Young Writers Society

Cinderella
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You’re coming. You’re coming closer to me, weaving your way in and out of the crowds, your aqua eyes focused on my widened pupils.

What’s going on? I wonder. You haven’t looked at me like that since you let me lay on your shoulder that fateful night in January.

Someone stops you. You, being the gentleman you are, halt to talk for a few harried seconds to answer her coy question. She flips her hair and winks at you as she continues on her way but you don’t even notice. You’re watching me again, your rapid strides closing the distance between us.

You stop abruptly as your eyes dart to my side. Blinking, I whirl around and stare into his eyes. Oh no, I groan, not now...

“Hey,” he whispers, his arms sliding around me for a hug.

I break apart from him and shoot my gaze back to where you were standing before.

Go, a voice rings inside my head. Go to him.

Your eyes are boring into me mercilessly. Wait, my gaze directs, wait for me.

You nod, almost imperceptibly, cross your legs, and rest against the pillar directly behind you, still watching me.

I turn back to him. “What’s up?” I ask softly.

“You still coming tonight?”

“Umm,” I reply, fiddling with my bracelet, “I think so. I’ll…I’ll call you if there’s a change in plans.”

“What-you got someone better to spend time with?” He nudges me and smiles.

Don’t you wish you knew, I growl inwardly. Out of the corner of my eye, I see your jaw tighten as he brushes a kiss across my forehead.

“Bye babe,” he murmurs, brushing his red wisps of hair back from his forehead. “See you at seven.”

Before his back is completely turned to me, I’m at your side.

You clasp my hand. “Kiss me,” you command.

Bells go off in my head. “What?!” I gasp. “What did you just say?”

You put your arms around my waist and arch my body against yours. Lowering your lips onto mine, you begin to caress my back and play havoc with my hair.

I don’t resist.

Wrapping my arms around your neck, I nestle my fingers into your light brown locks. I deepen the kiss.

Suddenly, a rough hand clasps my shoulder and whirls me around. It’s him.

“What’s going on?” he bellows. Jawline quivering, his eyes smolder into me and burn my heart to a crisp.

Still breathless from the kiss, I gaze into your waters of Ephesus eyes. They manage to draw me in even now.

“I’m reclaiming my Cinderella,” you reply, clasping my hand and not breaking our eye contact.

“Your what?!” he shouts.

“My Cinderella. My princess. My heart,” you whisper. Taking my other hand, you touch your forehead to mine.

“Sweetheart,” you murmur, “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Whatever has happened this past year is done and over with. I want you back. I need you back.” Tightening your grip, your eyes search my face. “I can’t lose you again.” A tear trickles down your cheek. “Please,” you whisper. “I love you.”

“Oh my gosh,” I murmur. I reach up and trace your cheekbone with my forefinger. “Yes!” I cry, throwing my arms around you, “with all my heart!” I give you butterfly kisses on your nose, your cheek, your forehead.

A flood is making its way down both of our faces by now. Gazing into your eyes, I smile and touch my nose to yours.

“I love you, too,” I murmur. Brushing your hair back from your forehead, I trace a heart on your skin.

“You came back,” I say, my voice choked with joy. “You came back.”

“Of course,” you whisper, stroking my hair. Grinning, you tap me on the nose. “After all, where would you be without your Prince Charming?”

I wish there were some names in this story and some explanation as to why Cinderella and her prince broke up in the first place. The reaction of her redheaded ex would be nice too. And I don't like all the crying, particularly from the Prince but men crying just freaks me out in general so that's a biased opinion there.

Aside from that I did get a kick out of this little story

LUNA

Hey, Wiggster!

Ooh, I love your writing style- it's so sweet! And, what's more, you managed to do an emotional piece without making it totally sappy. Never mind that it was a fantasy; it still rocked.

A few things I'd look at, though:

EVERYONE NEEDS A HOT NAME: ...especially hot characters. Prince Charming is; why don't you use it? I was a bit confused towards the end when the 'you' becomes 'he', and so forth. I had to read this over twice. That's not a good thing in a short story- it's my belief that short stories cannot be a) boring or b) confusing. Luckily, you're definitely not afflicted with a).

So, how do you fix the confusion factor? Refer to Prince Charming as his name. It's go this archaic thing to it that makes a 'ringy' name, so don't hesitate to use it. You won't ruin the ending; since the story is entitled Cinderella...we already kind of get from the modern context that it's going to have all the elements, except in a more up-to-date context.

This'll help keep the 'you' separate from 'he'.

That's another thing- a story that starts off with 'we' or 'you' can automatically be labelled as cheesy or overdone, even if it's like yours and it's not. There's something about it that just is kind of...amateur. I hate that word (it's degrading), but there's really no other way to explain it. Start off with a 'my Prince' or something romantic, and you'll set the tone, the characters, and you won't have us literary snobs turning our noses.

EMOTIONS, CHARACTERS, AND THE AWW FACTOR:

Here's your grand dilemma- you want contrast between the two characters battling for her/your love, right? You want us to root for one and not the other.

Personally, I'm kind of indifferent at the moment. The first guy is a bit of a slob and amusing to me, but he seems like he treats her well enough. Why does she leave him for Aqua Boy? Hmm...

This story is melodramatic. That gives you license to go all-out- if one part of it is a bit overdone, then the rest of it can be and it'll sound perfectly awesome. The good kind of overdone, I mean.

You need a character who's despicable, but whom we still like- so we're a bit torn between that one guy and the uber-perfect Prince Charming. That needs to be her present boyfriend.

Here's an example: meet Mr. Smart. He's a twenty-six year old lawyer from Canada trying to make it in Boston, in order to make money by hook or crook to please his "true love"- his fiancèe. Sweet? Well...sort of. He's also a compulsive gambler (cards and the races) and quite possibly bi-polar- as yet undiagnosed in the late 18th century.

And for some strange reason, he's also in love with Adelais Renault. Which is a very very bad thing, because in the eighteenth century, that's a whole slew of sins in one- besides which, he leaves Adelais for weeks without explanation and is occasionally abusive, besides-besides being broke most of the time.

Why are we supposed to love him, even though he's- eww, creepy- with a fourteen-year-old boy? When he's got money, he pays for Adelais' tuition, which Adelais' own loser parents won't. And he's usually very nice, and realizes his own creepiness (which disturbs him deeply).

This is what "babe" boy needs to be like. Why? We need to care about all of your characters, even the 'bad guys'. It's important. How would you go about doing that?

Make a list of all the good things and the bad things, like so:

"BABE" BOY:

Awws: Deeply cares for his girlfriend. Wants to bring her to movies and such. Is possibly being cheated on- aww.

Bad things: Talks like a bad cartoon. A bit too direct. Possibly abusive, if not just yucky.

Wiggster, I'm pretty sure you can come up with a few more good ones. The rule: the ratio of awws to bad things should be at least 2:3, counting really really good things or bad things as two points instead of one. The main rule? You can't really over-do it- but just remember that we still have to think they're sickening, despite their own personal 'aww' factor.

___

Grand story, Wiggster! Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions, or just want me to take a look at something else. Tell me if you do another draft- I'd love to take a look.

...I want a Prince Charming, too. *pouts*

Well, noticed you had no reviews, so I'm doing the pleasure. Loved it, I think it's a good story. Just make your story a little clearer, like at first I didn't know the narrator was talking to two guys. Just make those thngs clear and you have a really good, eat ice cream while you read it story!

That was really good. I REALLY enjoyed it. I'm partial to anything that even remotely relates to a fairytale, though It was awesome. I loved the present tense and second person, it really set the story. I do agree with the above, though, that there should be some more background info, as well as her ex's reaction. Other than that, it was great!! Keep writing!!

Hey Wiggy!

This was a joy to read! The imagery in here was lovely, and I am awed by the way you conveyed your character's emotions. Unlike those above, I liked the absence of names. It gave the story a fairy tale-like feel to it. I felt you could have described the obnoxious guy (not the aqua guy) a bit more, as he seemed to be lost in the fuzziness of the other two character's romance, but besides that, tis wonderful. I also felt there could be a bit more detail, but not in a setting sense as it would ruin the fairy-like magic of the piece; more emotion, in a sense, more body language, more reaction. Ah well, I loved it.

A lovely job!

Thanks guys! *is astounded at the amount of reviews* This was a bare bones copy, something I wrote on a whim just to get stuff about Louis out. It turned into something I really liked, though (I've always wanted to write something about Cinderella), and it was both fun and therapeutic to write!

You guys are so sweet-thanks a million for the reviews! I'll work on another draft...after I'm done with the infamous school work! *growls*

great job! I can't do half as well at second person, many congradulations!!!!!

-JC

OK, strange in a way. A little. . . unrealistic. Maybe not. I haven't experienced it (and I pray I won't for years to come). It's well written, but the dialog paragraphs should be adjusted.

Just as a reminder to the writer and the readers: love doesn't happen. It's a working process. It takes time to realize, time to relate, time to work. Love is not a emotion. Love is an action, a selfless giving away of yourself.