Young Writers Society

You smiled at me.

How can one simple upper turning of the lips completely disarm me? How can it make me forget where I am? I don’t know how, but it does.

You kill me with that lopsided half-moon of yours. The stars sparkle inside your mouth, and they dazzle me till I’m dizzy. Why do you have that power over me? Why you? Why can’t I satisfy my magic carpet fantasies with a complete stranger? No; it has to be you. You and your Curve cologne, your waters of Ephesus eyes, and your I-take-in-the-whole-world grin.

I don’t care how cheesy it sounds; I love the way you control me. If you’re not there, everything loses its luster. But when you’re there, ah-now that’s when life is right.

I know that you know I love you. I can see a small glimmer of it in your eyes every time our gazes connect. It used to be in full view for all, but it’s taken a backseat on a hurtling roller coaster ride of emotions for now.

I know you’re having a hard time; I am, too. I miss you. I want you back, seducing me with that squeeze of the hand and that luminous light of love in your eyes. Even though you’ve told others differently, I see you’re still struggling over me. You can guard yourself, but just like before, I've found another crack and started to open your inner door. I peek in through the doorway, and I know you will come back.

I smiled at you.

This is really sweet, it reminds me of something my friend is writing at the moment.

Very sweet, will you be writing anymore of it?

Meevs
x

Woo, soppy-extreme!! It's very descriptive, and nicely written, but a bit too mushy for my liking.

-ST

I really liked it, I love little perspective stories they're so much fun. Anwyay, this sentence I felt could've been worded better at the very end. You wrote...

writingluver5 wrote:Why can’t it be a complete stranger that I can satisfy my love longings with on magic carpet fantasies?

I think it's fine till the word 'with,' from there the wording's strange but it could be changed easily so it's not a real issue. I can't wait to read more of your work.

Thanks guys. Any others? I'd really like to see what you think!

writingluver5 wrote:
I know that you know I love you. I can see a small glimmer of it in your eyes every time our gazes connect. It used to be in full view for all, but it’s taken a backseat on a hurtling roller coaster ride of emotions for now.

This part in particle stuck out to me, for I know exactly how that feels to have once shown true emotions, only to have them locked away.

I loved your piece, you described everything wonderfully. Keep up the good work!

That was really great. I loved the description. It was a little corny for me, but I still liked it. Typo: loved it.

I really like your descriptions-- they are so detailed. You even mentioned the brand of fragrance he wears. Nice. Just a little some thing I thought about in the last sentence where you wrote, "I peeked in through the doorway, and I knew you would come back."

--I just thought it would be a really powerful in present tense. Like if "peeked" was "peek" and "knew you would come" was "know you will come"--that would be really interesting. But then it depends on what effect your going for. I really loved it--really sweet.

Thanks so much! Wow-I didn't expect this many positive responses! !_! Thanks though for all your suggestions.

Cheri>>I took your suggestion and changed it to the present tense. There had been something wrong with that sentence, but I just hadn't been able to pinpoint it. You hit the nail right on the head. I just have one question-do you think I should change the last sentence (I smiled at you) to present tense for effect? Kinda iffy on that one right now...

sweet. I love this line most of all cos I can relate, "How can one simple upper turning of the lips completely disarm me?". Smiles!

I loved it for the fact that it was short and sweet and made you feel for the young girl and the boy that captured her with his grin.

Though the last line was the best part. Even though, from what I gather, they broke up she hooked him again in the same way he did her. A smile.

Wonderful job!

What really stuck out for me was how you varied the sentence length (whether consiously or unconsiously), which is good because it keeps the reader engaged in what they're reading. This paragraph in particular:

You kill me with that lopsided half-moon of yours. The stars sparkle inside your mouth, and they dazzle me till I’m dizzy. Why do you have that power over me? Why you? Why can’t I satisfy my magic carpet fantasies with a complete stranger? No; it has to be you. You and your Curve cologne, your waters of Ephesus eyes, and your I-take-in-the-whole-world grin.

I only felt like there were too many questions asked. When I looked back to count, I realized that it stuck out because they were all posed at once in the beginning.

PM me if you have any questions

-Amelia

you love MY style? i love YOUR style. great descriptions and details and everything =]]
if you liked that chapter, that's just an excerpt from the novel. i have the intro and first three chapters posted, so thats there for you if you're interested:))

I have no idea how you wrote so much about someone's smile. It just flowed so nicely. Wonderful job wiggy. I really enjoyed it. Nothing wrong stuck out to me.

~aero

Awww, that's cute. This wasn't too cheesy or mushy for me, it was relateable. I love how you worked some story into that string of emotion. awesome job =D

Keep up the good work!
-JC