Young Writers Society

It Was Time

It was time; their time to leave. We don’t know what separated them, but they both had the look on their face. The look of strong life-changing want and love for each other, but also the knowing look that their stronger fates pulled them away from their lover’s bliss.

They sat knee to knee on the ground, his hands around hers in a kind, gentle, comforting way. “I love you,” he said.

The girl looked up into his eyes, her smile beaming out of the sadness on her face. “I love you more,” she said.

“Probably,” he said straight. The girl’s eyebrows twitched downward but smiled anyways.

They were silent for a while. They were leaning into each other. They both sighed and touched foreheads. He rubbed her fingers with his thumbs as she tried her hardest not to cry. Her face was flushed and she grew hot. “I will see you again, won’t I?”

He didn’t know. He didn’t want to make this any harder though. “I really don’t know,” he said. “I want to see you again,” he added. The girl sniffed. “I will try my hardest to come again,” he said.

The rumble was heard as the bus came around the corner. She felt the hot tickle of a tear as it fell down her cheek. The bus stopped. The brakes squeaked and it sounded as if the girl had sobbed once, but when I looked, the couple was kissing fiercely. The two separated and the girl breathed out a small laugh as a tear came down the boy’s cheek as well.

I had grabbed my bags and was on the first seat of the bus and looking out the window by now. I still watched as the boy kissed the girl’s tears, one by one, making them disappear.

The bus driver began to close the doors but I put my arm out and stopped him. As I watched out the bus doors, the boy finally stood and picked up his bag but the girl jumped up and threw her arms around his neck, her eyes squeezed shut to keep the tears from escaping. The boy hugged her back before kissing her once more. He then pushed her back and quickly leapt onto the bus. The girl was too shocked to react. The doors shut and the bus began to pull away.

I sat in my seat and looked back out the window once more to see the girl take a couple steps before standing still in the grass. Her arms folded across her chest as she tearfully watched the bus move away.

“Please take a seat, sir,” the bus driver said to the boy who still stood staring at the closed doors. “The bus is moving.”

He mindlessly took the first seat across the aisle from me. He leaned his head against the window and a tear fell off his cheek and rolled down the windowpane.

"It was time; their time to leave" - wrong type of colon.

"The look of strong life-changing want" - comma after "strong".

"smiled anyways" - I'd put "anyway", "anyways" is too colloquial.

"the bus driver said to the boy who still stood staring at the closed doors" - comma after "staring".

That was very moving, well written and fluent. I really enjoyed it, I cannot suggest any improvements. You could continue this into a longer story, your writing is very good.


Gurby

Hello!
I enjoyed reading it, probably because it wasn't overly romantic.

There were some punctuation errors, besides what OFour found.

yoha_ahoy wrote:The bus driver began to close the doors but I put my arm out and stopped him. As I watched out the bus doors, the boy finally stood and picked up his bag but the girl jumped up and threw her arms around his neck, her eyes squeezed shut to keep the tears from escaping.

Always put a comma before "but". It should be:
The bus driver began to close the doors, but I put my arm out and stopped him. As I watched out the bus doors, the boy finally stood and picked up his bag, but the girl jumped up and threw her arms around his neck, her eyes squeezed shut to keep the tears from escaping.

yoha_ahoy wrote:“Please take a seat, sir,” the bus driver said to the boy who still stood staring at the closed doors.

"The bus driver said" could stand alone, so put a comma after "said". It should read:
The bus driver said, to the boy who was staring at the closed doors.

These next two, I don't know if they are necessary, but it's how I was taught to write:

yoha_ahoy wrote:The rumble was heard as the bus came around the corner.

It should be "The rumble was heard, as the bus came around the corner"

yoha_ahoy wrote:She felt the hot tickle of a tear as it fell down her cheek.

Same thing, "She felt hot tickle of a tear, as it fell down her cheek."

Keep up the great work!

Thanks guys! I'm glad the content of the story is okay. I seem to be a better content writer when it comes to the romance genre. Hm, maybe I should just stick with that. Lol! Thanks again!

~Yoyo

Well, what can say I say, it was short, but I loved it. Liked the way you wrote "rhythmically" and kept the mood and everything kind of sweet, sad, and to the point. This is something I would finish reading and just sigh. I think if you made this short story longer it would definately work out. Anyway, really good write and yeah.

[he girl looked up into his eyes, her smile beaming out of the sadness on her face. “I love you more,” she said.

“Probably,” he said straight. The girl’s eyebrows twitched downward but smiled anyways.

The rumble was heard as the bus came around the corner. She felt the hot tickle of a tear as it fell down her cheek. The bus stopped. The brakes squeaked and it sounded as if the girl had sobbed once, but when I looked, the couple was kissing fiercely. The two separated and the girl breathed out a small laugh as a tear came down the boy’s cheek as well.] this doesn't make sense please revise and transition from first person view to third person view.

I really enjoyed reading this piece; I think you should continue it.

I really enjoyed that. It was interesting how there was a sort of...omniscient...observer that you didn't learn about until half way through the story. I believe the punctuation issues have been covered, so, keep writing!!

couples grammar errors

still very well written

I liked how this piece flowed. Very well-written.

I wasn't too sure I liked the ending sentence though. It seems a bit too long and somehow a little clunky; can't put my finger on exactly what's bothering me but somehow it didn't flow as well as the rest of the piece.

Loved how it was short, and not many details were given. And LOVED how it was written from the point of view of a stranger on the bus.

Everyone's already pointed out the grammar points, but besides that the idea is brilliant. I really want to know more about them and why he's leaving and everything definitely carry this on.

Hey, Yoyo! What's up? I decided to do a critting spree: do as many crits as I can before I go to bed. Hopefully I'll have some points!

All right, here we go!

Very sweet, and not overly romantic. The mushy gushy parts were pushing my limits, but I read through it.

“I love you more,” she said.

“Probably,” he said straight. The girl’s eyebrows twitched downward but smiled anyways.

I don't know if you wanted this to happen, but to me, the guy seems like a total jerk. I mean, I think that he doesn't really love the girl by the way he reacts. When they were making out, though, I thought differently. I don't know... Maybe my brain is all confuzzled today?

Very good! I really liked it! Great job, Yoyo!

BBB

Yeah, couple of grammatical errors. You also need to work on the emotions portrayed throughout the story. Try to make the reader cry. Here's how:

First, get into the mood, whether by watching a romantic TV show/movie, or listening to some sort of music that serves as sort of a soundtrack for the story.

Then, just write. Write without discretion, and don't care about grammar and whatnot. You need to get those feelings down on paper.

After you're done going through the entire story [at which point will definitely be longer, because it needs to be right now], then set it aside for several days, maybe a week, until everything fades from your head. Then you'll need to go back, trim it down a bit, decide which words trigger the emotion best, etc. Don't be afraid to cut out parts you thought you liked, but didn't work for the story. Save those on Word for future stories, maybe.

That's pretty much it. And since this is in the Romance section, it'd be nice if you included more romance details. How would you feel if you had to leave someone? What would be your last words, your last actions?

--Seree.

Seree, you're asking be to write a different story than this is. And you're also asking me to change my writing style. I appreciate your advice here, but I don't need it. I don't want this story to be any longer. It was meant to be short. And as far as how I would feel if I had to leave someone, my last words and actions and such, this is what that is. This is how this story came to be. I was thinking about what I would do if I had to leave someone. So if you don't think that came across, then that's your own problem, because I'm perfectly happy with how this story came out. And I didn't have to copy a sappy romace movie to get it. If you don't like my story, just say you don't like it. Don't tell me how to write my own stories.
Kindly,
~Yoyo

I wasn't trying to tell you how to write it. I was suggesting a way to improve it. I'm not a dictator when it comes to any writing. And note that I said, "Here's how". Not "do this, do that".

And I do respect your story in terms of literary value. I didn't say outfront that I hated this, nor do I.

-Serena.