Young Writers Society

Okay I'm getting no where with Eternity right now so I'm kinda giving up on it, I know what I want to do with it but I don't know how to get it to go smoothly if you know what I mean. Anyway I thought I'd post a story that is actaully going somewhere right now lol, the main female character is called Kassa - the Kassa in Eternity is just a subsitute name. She wasn't meant to be called that - which is another reason I'm giving up because I can't think of a name for her. Anyway this is the story with the "real" Kassa, hope you like it.
Please give me some harsh constructive feedback if you read this (make me cry lol)

Prologue
Present day.
A young woman who looked to be no older then seventeen climbed out off her bed and sighed sadly trying to hold back tears. She looked at her alarm clock and saw that it was only half one in the morning, she had half an hour to get ready.

She changed into black jeans and a black jumper so that she could melt into the shadows easily, she couldn’t be seen. If people saw her they might tell Jok…and he might try to find her. She looked in the mirror and brushed her long midnight black hair, she studied her reflection as she did this.

Sapphire eyes coated in tears looked back at her sombrely; her pale skin stood out against the darkness but she could hide this when going out. She could shield her face with her long dark hair; her rosy lips were turned downwards in sadness.

She picked up a white envelope and ran the edges on her finger trying her best not to cry. But as the minutes ticked by it became harder and harder.

Finally as the numbers shifted to 1:50am she slipped into her partner’s room and sat the envelope on his bedside cabinet leaning it against his glass of water. She leant over and kissed his cheek praying he wouldn’t wake, he stirred and sighed but that was all.

“Goodbye.” She whispered closing the door behind her; she let the tears fall now unable to contain them anymore. This was for the best right? Jok would be safe…and maybe Vlad wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe she could learn to like him…she doubted she could ever love him.

She opened the door to her flat and closed it silently; she locked it and wondered if she should drop her keys through the letter box. No, she told herself quietly, keep them…

Outside the block of flats she could hear a siren wailing in the distance and the sour smell of rotting rubbish. A sleek silver Porsche stopped in front of her and the young woman sighed sadly climbing into the car.

The driver grinned at her flashing his sparkling white fangs. He leant over and kissed her cheek gently squeezing her shoulder in comfort.

“Ready?” His voice was cool and soft, like snow.

“Promise he will be safe.”

“I promise.” The young woman nodded and the driver revved his engine pulling out and driving off.

Crit/nitpicks....

A young woman who looked to be no older then seventeen

A young woman who looked no older than seventeen

and sighed sadly

the adverb here didn't work for me, it doesn't sound right. change it.

and sighed sadly trying to hold back tears

and sighed [sadyl], trying to hold back the tears.

she had half an hour to get ready.

so she had half an hour to get ready.

so that she could melt into the shadows easily, she couldn’t be seen

the clause after the comma is redundant, as it states what you've already told us previously.

and sat the envelope on his bedside cabinet leaning it against his glass of water

and sat the envelope on his bedsite cabinet, leaning it against the glass of water.

She leant over and kissed his cheek praying he wouldn’t wake, he stirred and sighed but that was all.

She leant over and kissed his cheek, praying he wouldn't wake. He stirred a little and breathed a little sigh, but nothing else. (I think it sounds better like this, but feel free to write your own new version. The problem I have with this sentence is I think it should be split intwo two parts)

Maybe she could learn to like him…she doubted she could ever love him.

but she doubted she could ever love him.

and the sour smell of rotting rubbish

Whether the alliteration was intentional or not, it made the end of the sentence sound almost comical. Try changing at least one adjective or delete altogether; perhaps "and the sour smell of rubbish". Also, you've said "all she could hear" previously, and not smell. Can she hear smells lol? I think you need change the last bit. So it would be "Outside the block of flats she could hear a siren wailing in the distance and yhe sour smell of rubbish filled the air." is an example of a chnage you could use.

A sleek silver Porsche stopped in front of her and the young woman sighed sadly climbing into the car.

If you ignore the fact I already dislike sighed and sadly together, you've aleady used this combination once, and this is a short passage, so it becomes noticeable. Try something different here. "and the young woman breathed deeply, climbing into the car."



I think generally the proble is sentence construction and the lack of commas. Many of your sentences are missing important commas (I've tried to highlight the parts that need them). Some of your sentences were a little long too, especially at the start, where a little short sentences to create tension wouldn't go amiss.

However, overall I did enjoy the sentiment in this part. Hopefully it will become clearer who Vlad and Jok are later on. Nice work.

I really like this, very discriptive. It seemed a little bumpy in some parts though. I'm way intrested in what its about! I hope there more coming!

Sorry,

But I really liked your Eternity stories. I think you should carry on.

And yes, this was good but like kate, it is a bit bumpy. Also, this is coming from someone who can't write love stories, so your alright!

Emma wrote:Sorry,

But I really liked your Eternity stories. I think you should carry on.

And yes, this was good but like kate, it is a bit bumpy. Also, this is coming from someone who can't write love stories, so your alright!

I can't carry on with Eternity since I have no idea where it's going

Sorry then.

like this although i noticed you used the same looking character in Eternity. I will keep on reading =)

It was okay, only I didn't like the beginning. Too common, starting something out with someone getting out of bed. But the rest was, as I said, okay.

I enjoyed this.
It wasn't the best,
but it was pretty damn good!(: