Young Writers Society

Not a reincarnation? D: My head just jumped to that 'cause I loved that weirdocreepy factor it gave.

W-O-W!!! It was so sweet and lovely!! I loved it!! Great job!!
Harshita:)

Hello there. ^_^ Congrats on the featured work!

Nitpicks:

And, you always kept your promises.

- You shouldn't put a comma after a coordinating conjunction when it begins the sentence (like 'but') unless there's an interrupter. If you intended a pause, try using an ellipsis.

You always insisted they were black and you’d get that pout every time I disagreed – even though they were just a very dark brown – and you’d get mad.

- This was cute. ^_^ xD

I went to work for the first time since you died today.

- Today? Didn't she die days ago already?

She even wished me happy anniversary.

- I think there ought to be an 'a' before 'happy'.

She mentioned you and I turned and – just for a second – Amy disappeared and it was you again.

- There are so many 'and's' in this sentence.

But, how can I be happy without you, love?

- Same thing about coordinating conjunctions.

And, she understands that.

- Same thing about coordinating conjunctions.

She knew you and she knows what we had have.

- Formally, we don't use strikethroughs. Maybe, you can rewrite this as something like 'and she knows what we had - no - have.' or 'what he had, no, have.'

And, I’m definitely not in love with her. But, she’s my best friend and she was yours.

And, any connection I have with you is one that I’ll cherish forever.

or Amy and I listen to some of your CDs.

- There should be a 'when' after 'or'. Anyway, I don't get what kind of CDs they are listening to.
- Same thing about coordinating conjunctions.

April 29, 2011

- I think it's better if there was a diary entry before this one where he talks about Amy's pregnancy.

but I know you’ll take care of everything for me. Like a personal guardian angel.

- I think it should either be a comma or an ellipsis after 'me'.

Yet, Leslie, our baby has brown black ones.

- O.o *gasp* Impossible! Well, scientifically though.


This story is really beautiful. Although it's a little cliché, I don't care. xD You were able to add your originality to it. And I just really liked it. It's just so sweet. I think the only problem (except the ones I mentioned in the nitpicks) is the double spaces. They make it a little bit too tiring to read. >.< Nevertheless, great job!

Never stop writing! This totally deserves to be featured.

Hey there! Walker here, with a review, as requested!

Alright so, it appears most of the nit-picks are taken care of, so lets jump to the overall!

Overall:

This had a very lovely concept which was interesting and quick to read. I enjoyed the refreshing, almost fluffiness about it that emotionally could connect to anyone, whether or not they ever lost someone physically. We all must lose something or someone in our lives, so you really captured the emotion of denial and not wanting to believe in what is gone.

But there are a few things that might need to be looked at.

First of all, you diction was very bland. I know this was diary entries, but the sentence structure was short and choppy, the paragraphs were merely two sentences long often enough, and the entirety of the piece, even though it spanned over years, took me maybe a whole of five minutes to read. I love that you were inspired to write and its amazing that you can come back and enjoy it, but in this case, I want to see you start pushing out more quality sentences instead of the mere simple. This person, whose eyes you are in, could easily be an analytical person.

And if you want to go for someone who doesn't have much time, have long entries then short ones like those. Long ones for the days of which he had little to nothing to do, or short ones for the times he was busy with life. I want to see some variants. I want to see you really strive for a believable narrative and an interesting, impressive read.

Secondly, I would like to touch on the cliche. There was a lot in here that didn't really appeal to me in an original sense. Everything, I know, comes across as being cliche in some manner, but we cut this out by having our own styles and twists and characters that make it our own. We, as writers, need style. Because the diction was simple and the characterization was a little on the 'not really there' side, I didn't get much of the style but more of the impatience of someone who really wanted to get an idea down. So, cut out some of the cliche by being a little more you.

Thirdly, I want to touch up on gender. There is nothing in your characterization that could mean this guy wasn't a girl. In this day and age, its not uncommon for a girl to be married to a girl or in love with a girl, even in fiction. In fact, for the first half of this narrative, I was almost positive that this said person was a girl speaking to a boy. It actually shocked me a little bit when I realized that maybe the position was different. So, start making your characters out to be masculine and feminine,if you don't wish to state it blatantly. There are ways to make your characters seem a little more towards one way or the other.

Other than that, I did find this piece refreshing and would love to see more from you!

~Walker

I completely loved this. The fact that through the whole story he seemed a little crazy just adds to the greatness of it. I think though that even though this could have turned out creppy it was very soft, and sweet at the end. The fact that he thinks the love of his life (I'm going to call her Jill) has now incarnated into his kid was odd at first. But you have to think about it. If he is crazy, or just desperate to hold onto a part of Jill, you can't think in a rational way. I don't think he means anything weird twords his kid but that he will love her just as strongly, but in a fatherly way. And the fact that the baby has "Black" eyes may be a sign that Jill accepts his being with Amy. Or that Jill really did help the baby and a part of her was there in put into the baby forever.
I really enjoyed this peice and hope to see more!

Forever, Writer.

Overall, I think I do like it. Especially the part where you describe her eyes- my favorite. But one thing you missed was clarity. It was like half of the diary when I knew the gender of the writer. Plus, with the fact that girls are more probable to have diaries than boys, it strengthens the belief of the readers that the writer is a boy in the first place.
Another, please try to be realistic, why would a married man be writing in a diary? It just makes no sense! Plus, he wrote "Dear Brownyeyes," he's a man who had 2 wives for crying out loud!

I'm in tears. Or maybe that's because I've been on this rollercoaster of emotions lately. Who knows?
But that's beside the point.

I absolutely loved this. It was adorable.

I agree with HorsebackWriter in terms that it's crucial to clarify the gender in the beginning.
And also, I think maybe a little comparison between Amy and his "brown-eyed sweetheart" wouldn't hurt when we're first introduced to her.
Also, even though it's a short story and the pace is fairly rapid, don't be afraid of three-four sentence paragraphs (not regulary, of course, otherwise you'll interupt the flow). Just don't be afraid to risk it.

Thank you for a gorgeous read.
-Madz

Congrats on the thirty >one< likes! You totally deserve it! I'm honestly not much of a romance person, but this was a really cute story! Since to many people have commented for me to do a real review I'll just share some of my opinions.

~The whole creepy thing? I didn't really notice it until Snoiky pointed it out. Nobody out of YWS will proabaly notice, especially the romantics. Honestly, it's probably just our over tuned reviewing senses.

~I agree with those who said Diary=Female. I would rename it and call it a Journal. Journal's remaind me more of something a guy would do. Less readers thoughts would go immediatley to female after calling it a journal. Just my opinion, but I would certainly consider it.

~ This is a very short-and-sweet with choppy words trying to convey emotion. I like those kinds of stories and you did good for the most part. My issue comes in with your word choice. Try adding some "salsa words"- more interesting nad visual words. That way you can keep your short and choppy, full of emotion feel AND convey the right amount of imagery.

I liked it alot! You did pretty good for rusty.

I absolutely loved this! I actually felt the emotion rolling off of this piece! You did have a few mistakes and you repeated some words a lot, but I barely noticed. Great job! Keep writing!

sunxkissedxme

This story was so beautiful. It almost made me cry. You had so much depth and emotion attached to every diary entry. I loved the beginnning it was my faveorite. It made me mad to see him move on but also happy, I guess that's the way brown eye's felt too. You didnt provide to much information or too little about his life before she died. This story was good. Make a second one, I'll be a fan. (;
Adoringly yours,
-Madison Lowe

Hi.
You guys are all amazing.
Just sayin'.
I'm going to try and fix my mistakes soon enough.
Also, in general, I've tried to thank everyone personally for the reviews and likes, but I've been busy for the past 2 days, so if I didn't thank you, I'm sorry...
You're still awesome and I still love you^^

So I wish that I was Browneyes...or Amy...either one really.

Nitpick alert.
All those spaces REALLY threw me off. At first I was bored and thought "this belongs in poetry." But then as I continued to read I WAS HOOKED. I just really don't like how much spacing there is because I think it not only makes the format seem like a poem but it also takes away from the story. I also couldn't tell what lines went where really. I found myself wondering at points, "okay, are we still in the diary or is this external of that?" I think the best thing to do would be get rid of all the spaces except between each entry.

Also, this part: "Something about keeping track of important events, but I always just responded by saying I didn’t need to since I didn’t have the memory of a goldfish like you. " In my opinion you need some re-wording, I found myself stumbling over it.

You have some great movement in your story. We see the main character changing, which is great. And it has, as all short stories should, a GREAT twist at the end. The whole time you have us thinking that this guy is INSANE, talking about seeing the dead wife and that she will "come back" but then SHE DOES. (No lie, I was clapping) Snaps for you.

I was a little confused, until about half way in, whether the narrator was male or female, so you may want to clarify.

Overall, I think you could expand so much on this, turn it in to a book even.
PLEASE let me know if you edit/re-post, because I would love to read it again!

-RL

i totally got carried away. Geez!
i wish i can read more of your stories in the future ahead.
good luck!

It was good, but could have used more details. It was like a couple-sentence-per-entry every month or so. It also sounded as if he were obsessed with her or something of the sorts because of the way he speaks about her. Again, though it was good.

I loved it! Such a sad sweet story. I didn't think it was a bit creepy. It was an easy read and well written.

The only thing that I was a little confused on about was how old the guy was. I'm reading along and I'm thinking this is an older guy and all of a sudden Amy is pregnent and I'm like "Huh????"

But other than that I really liked it.

My favorite part is when he says the little girl has brown eyes then corrects himself and says black eyes. It had just the right touch of sweetness in it.

Keep writing. ~Dragongirl