Young Writers Society

Solvey! Hey there =]]. This was absolutely lovely! I saw one instance however that made me wrinkle my nose. This entire piece is romantic and beautiful and very sophisticated. Which I loved. But, you said dude. A nasty nasty word! Ha ha =]. It's just a tiny nitpick of mine, nothing huge and horrible that needs to be changed. This made me very sad at the end. He seems so in love but his older brother of all people has to go and just... GAH! Lovely story Solvey =]

Haha... Thanks for the reviews everyone. I really appreciate it. "Dude" must really be a nasty word... o.o I shall change it. xD <3

First of all, it seems to me as though saying something on this site is cliché is, in itself, cliché. As long as you wrote it well, whether or not it's utterly original should be among the least of your worries. Obviously, the descriptions work - they wouldn't become "clichéd" if they didn't.

I read this story earlier and finally have time to review it... and I want to commend you for removing those pesky "she was blind" repetitions. I know how hard it is to change something you've worked hard at making perfect, so it's good to know that you're receptive to criticism.

My one major complaint:

Most likely, you must be thinking I'm cheesy, saying to yourself, "Hey, Lynnda was almost perfect!", or "The dude is so hooked, he looks at her with the eyes from his soul!" No matter what you're thinking, both of them are probably right.  

Please get rid of this or change it completely. It seriously detracts from your story when you suddenly address the reader, in a "You talkin' to me?" sort of way.

Besides that, this story has so much going for it. You understand the main character's dilemma and you feel for him. Nicely done.

Hey Sol! Okay, this was pretty good. I thought the story was good and the part at the end where you say that his brother and her fell in love was a nice twist. I like the concept a lot. Some other people mentioned the redundant 'she was blind' thing and they're right, you might want to get that gone. Most of the grammar was already pointed out, but I don't think that it was that bad to begin with. Just a couple of minor errors. I personally would love to see some more character development on Lynnda. At this point all we know is that your MC thinks she is perfect and that she seems to be very religious. Maybe give a little more on her. All in all, very nice... I liked it a lot!

Cheers,
Luxe