Young Writers Society

very well written. I like the description you used throughout the story. Keep up writing. Can't wait to read more. =]

It's not really the kind of story that will stick with me, but when really enjoyed it while i was reading it. I don't know if that's what you're going for, or even if it's a good thing. But there's my thoughts on the subject.

As to your question, i vote you should change the last sentence to present tense.

Its not that i think its bad as it is. I just liked it better when you suggested the switch.

=)

I would change the "No; it has to be you" part into the "No, it has to be you" part (semicolon to comma).

It's encouraging to see (from my point of view) the desire of a women/girl to have a controlling man/boy. I believe it natural and appropriate.

Wow, Wiggy. Really brilliant. No complaints. This was just... wow. So wonderfully genuine and unique, yet I know exactly what you mean. I don't know. It felt like you were sharing this moment with me, like I was some close friend.
Really brilliant.

I like it. Short, sweet, and (most of all) it doesn't have a stupid title that sounds marginally cute yet has nothing to do with the story (guilty, personally!).

I also admire your ending most significantly of all the elements you've added into the story: it complements itself with the beginning, something I rarely see with stories. It's no big thing, really, but I like it when writers do that. Plus, it wasn't overflowing in the cringe factor (which is used so much when reading some romance). That ingredient really puts this story before all others I'm seeing so far...

Not bad, not bad at all.

Wiggy wrote:How can one simple upper turning of the lips completely disarm me?

I do believe this is may favorite part of the entire story. The description in just this line is enough to make you feel what the narrator is thinking while easing you into the story. It's quite good.

Wiggy wrote:You kill me with that lopsided half-moon of yours. The stars sparkle inside your mouth, and they dazzle me till I’m dizzy.

The "dazzle me till I'm dizzy" isn't really my cup of tea, too many 'd's. It's weaker than the rest of the work and a little unnecissary.



[quote="Wiggy"]I know you’re having a hard time; I am, too. I miss you. I want you back, seducing me with that squeeze of the hand and that luminous light of love in your eyes. Even though you’ve told others differently, I see you’re still struggling over me. You can guard yourself, but just like before, I've found another crack and started to open your inner door. I peek in through the doorway, and I know you will come back.
[quote]

I like the description in this paragraph. It makes you feel like the narrator and this boy both have a sort of spell over each other. How it's written makes you feel as if you can feel all this yourself. Good stuff.

Overall I liked this work. Good job.

Hey!! I thought this was so, so perfect!! I wasent to to mushy, but it still had that litlle bit.

I espically adored this line:[/quote]
You kill me with that lopsided half-moon of yours. The stars sparkle inside your mouth, and they dazzle me till I’m dizzy

I believe you described how a lot of people feel when they see the person the love smiling at them!!

This was an exciting job!! Keep up the great work!!

Kelsi =)

Wow! JackBauerHasABaldSpot was right! This was perfect, I mean there's always room for improvement, but nicely done!

My suggestions : Well of course we want the actual story, and background!

Other suggestions: Give me MORE! This is really interestingso far.