Young Writers Society

The sound of his voice gave me goose bumps, the way he held me – not to tight and not to soft – but just right. I was the happiest girl in the word..... Until “Ania! Ania! Wake up!” So I'm guessing you probably know that I’m Ania, I have dark brown hair that is a complete mess, blue eyes that look like they haven’t slept in a while, so basically I look like a girl that was lost. Well I described myself perfectly, because I am lost, my mum, my dad and my little sister died a year ago in a car crash. I was the lucky one in my family; all I had was a broken arm and a bleeding nose. “This is the fifth time you have fallen asleep in my class room” said Miss Hunckle
“I know miss, I’m sorry its just I haven't been getting a lot of sleep” I looked around the room noticing that it was a bit too quite, there was no one to be seen, there was only me and Miss Hunckle. “Where is everyone?”
“They have all gone to there next lesson, the bell went about five minutes ago”
“Seriously?! I’m going to be late for science” Mr Johnson doesn’t really like me, so if I’m late I get into big trouble, “Don’t worry, I talked to Mr Johnson and told him I need you to finish off some course work, he complained at first but he eventually understood. But I need to talk to you about your behaviour in school; I’m not the only teacher to see that you are still grieving your family’s death. And I have booked you and appointment with the school’s therapist”
“What! There is nothing wrong with me, I am completely fine I don’t need some weirdo telling me what to do and stuff”
“I thought you might act this way so me and the therapist decided that we will let you come in your own time” I was fuming “how dare you! You don’t know anything about me!”
“I’m sorry if I offended you Ania that was not my intention”
“I don’t care if it was not your ‘intention’ you did it anyways, you should have thought before opening your mouth!” I was about to explode, how could she say that I needed help! I mean seriously, I can’t sleep at home and now people think I’m crazy! I was standing next to my chair looking ready to go actual crazy. “I’m sorry Ania, please sit down let us talk about it like adults”
“No! I don’t want to sit down” I ran out of the room furious with Miss Hunckle, I slammed the door after me and ran towards the front entrance. I kept looking behind to see if she was following me, then all of a sudden I hit something, “Ouch!” luckily my bum broke my fall, I looked up to see what I had hit, then a guy stood up, he was an angel sent from heaven. But I new him from somewhere, it took me awhile to realise, he was from my dream, but that can’t be, the guy in my dream isn’t really he’s made up from my fantasy. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you coming” he held out his hand to help me up, I took his hand and he lifted me up. “Oh umm... Its ok don’t worry about it, no one was hurt” I stared into his hazel brown eyes that resembled the leafs on the trees in autumn, they were the most peaceful thing I have ever seen. “What’s your name?” I asked gazing into his eyes, “My name is Kashif Khan, I’m a new student here, and I don’t know where my lesson is that’s why I wasn’t looking where I was going”
“My names Ania, it’s nice to meet you Kashif”
“It’s nice to meet you as well” he smiled at me, his teeth were the shiniest things I had ever seen “What lessons are you supposed to be in now?” I mumbled
“Science with Mr Johnson”
“I’m supposed to be there as well, we can walk together if you like?”
“ Ye sure I’d like that, I haven’t really been able to get to know anyone since I got here, no one wants to talk to me because I’m new. By the way why aren’t you in class?”
“I had to finish off some course work” I wasn’t going to tell him that everyone in the school thinks I’m crazy, that will put him off me completely. So he just said “Ok” no questions asked or anything, then to move the conversation on i asked him “So tell me about your self?”
“Well I am half Muslim; my dad is originally from America. But he came to Manchester and met my mother, we lived up there for a few years and then when moved to London and we stayed there for a few years then eventually we moved down here to Wales because my father has a new job here, what about you?”
“Well I’m living with my aunt, my parents died in a car crash with my little sister a year ago, I was the lucky one all I had was a broken arm and a bleeding nose. I should have been the one to die, I was the reason the crash happened” I started crying, every time I say this it makes me cry, and then I’m crying for hours. I tried to control myself but the water works where about to start, and he could see it as well “I’m sorry, please don’t cry. Come let’s go in here” we went into a janitor’s closet and we sat on the floor talking. I was actually happy, talking to him made me feel so much better now that someone knows how I feel. Even though I don’t really know him, it felt like I’d known him for years.

The next day, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulder and I was more like the old me again. Before all these things happened I was a popular girl, everyone loved me, but after the accident I started to feel sorry for myself and went into depression. I went down stairs to get some breakfast before I get ready it’s about 6.45am; it takes me fifteen minutes to eat my breakfast. I’m living with my aunt now because after the accident no one ell’s in my family wanted me so my aunty said she would take me in. Her really name is Betty, by the sound of her name she seems like a bossy, mean, old, horrible, wish you were dead type of person. The only reason she wanted me to live with her was because I could clean up and do the shopping because if I did anything ell’s I would be wasting my youth. She was completely wrong; she is the one wasting my youth. I should be going out with my friends having fun. I’m waiting at the bus stop for the school bus, it’s about 7.20am its usually here by now. Then a BMW 4x4 past, I’m not really good at knowing models of cars. I didn’t really pay much attention to it, and when I turned to the direction the car was heading it had stopped just a few feet away from the bus stop. The door opened and Kashif came out, I looked at him shocked, he started walking up to me and as he did he said “ the bus has broken down, we just passed it”
“Oh, seriously? How am I going to get to school now?” I wasn’t really that angry and he could tell, “If you want you can ride with me?” I had to think about it for a while but after 5 seconds of thinking I said “yes”. I walked up to his car, and he held the door open for me like a gentlemen, I felt like I was being treated like royalty.

Hi,
Welcome to YWS. I really liked your story. It was sweet and would make everyone wish they had someone like Kashif in their lives. I like the concept and your execution is quite commendable. I admire the way you have described the main character. While reading the story, one sorta becomes attached to her. And in the end one is so happy for her, so well done!

I think you should review your sentence structure a little. There were a few times when you should have begun a new sentence instead of continuing in the same one after a comma.

Now, will you please forgive me for nitpicking? I'm sorry I can't help it.

The sound of his voice gave me goose bumps, the way he held me – not to ('to' should be 'too')tight and not to soft – but just right.

So I'm guessing you probably know that I’m Ania, I have dark brown hair that is a complete mess, blue eyes that look like they haven’t slept in a while, so basically I look like a girl that was lost.(that was lost should be that's lost or who is lost)

I looked around the room noticing that it was a bit too quite,(quite should be quiet)

I stared into his hazel brown eyes that resembled the leafs (leafs should be leaves)on the trees in autumn, they were the most peaceful thing I have ever seen.

Well I’m living with my aunt, my parents died in a car crash with my little sister a year ago, I was the lucky one all I had was a broken arm and a bleeding nose.(you're repeating the last bit. It's mentioned before, maybe find another way of saying it?)

The next day, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulder and I was more like the old me again. Before all these things happened I was a popular girl, everyone loved me, but after the accident I started to feel sorry for myself and went into depression. I went down stairs to get some breakfast before I get ready it’s about 6.45am; it takes me fifteen minutes to eat my breakfast. I’m living with my aunt now because after the accident no one ell’s (ell's should be else)in my family wanted me so my aunty said she would take me in. Her really name is Betty, by the sound of her name she seems like a bossy, mean, old, horrible, wish you were dead type of person. The only reason she wanted me to live with her was because I could clean up and do the shopping because if I did anything ell’s I would be wasting my youth. She was completely wrong; she is the one wasting my youth. I should be going out with my friends having fun. I’m waiting at the bus stop for the school bus, it’s about 7.20am its usually here by now. Then a BMW 4x4 past, I’m not really good at knowing models of cars. I didn’t really pay much attention to it, and when I turned to the direction the car was heading it had stopped just a few feet away from the bus stop. The door opened and Kashif came out, I looked at him shocked, he started walking up to me and as he did he said “ the bus has broken down, we just passed it”

In this paragraph, you started with past tense, then switched to present tense, then reverted back to past tense. Maybe you could make it more uniform? You should use past tense, since you've used past tense for the rest of your story.

I walked up to his car, and he held the door open for me like a gentlemen (gentlemen should be gentleman), I felt like I was being treated like royalty.

All in all, it's a very good story. The nitpicks don't really matter. The plot and the concept are more important, and I liked those. I pointed out the nitpicks 'cause, well, someone had to do it, right?

Thanks

Priyansha

Hey there!

I liked this, although it seemed weird. And I have a question: Why is this called Unrealistic? Is it because it's unrealistic? Here's going to be my list of "Nags". Brace yourself.

1. If her family died in a car crash, it must've been pretty bad, so how did she end up with only a broken arm and a bloody nose?

2. Why would the teacher let her sleep in class, and schedule an appointment with the guidance counselor?

3. It doesn't seem realistic how they've literally just met, and they're both opening up to each other. I don't know, I just find that a bit odd.

Yep, that's about it. Although, I also noticed a few grammar mistakes. Maybe you could work on that a bit too. The detail was a little shabby, but overall I liked the idea of the story.

Maybe if you pursue this, but with more detail and make it a bit more realistic (even though the name of the story is "Unrealistic") it might turn out pretty good.

Please don't let my review discourage you from pursuing this! I liked the idea of the story! Nice effort though.

~Amfli
GO TEAM TOXIC NUDIBRANCH!

Hello there.

I'll begin with nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on your story.

The sound of his voice gave me goose bumps, the way he held me – not to tight and not to soft – but just right. I was the happiest girl in the word... Until “Ania! Ania! Wake up!” So I'm guessing you probably know that I’m Ania, I have dark brown hair that is a complete mess, blue eyes that look like they haven’t slept in a while, so basically I look like a girl that was lost. Well I described myself perfectly, because I am lost, my mum, my dad and my little sister died a year ago in a car crash. I was the lucky one in my family; all I had was a broken arm and a bleeding nose.
*Space*
“This is the fifth time you have fallen asleep in my class room” said Miss Hunckle

First off, it seems a little bit weird that she would be describing herself just randomly. Normally, when people think, it's about something else then what they look like, right? So, I would recommend you describe her as you go, and say little things about herself when its appropriate. Let's say the wind is blowing her hair in her face, you could say something like: The wind blew my dark brown hair in my eyes. Not like it completely wrecked them up since they were already a mess. You see how I described her hair without disturbing the flow of the story? It's less awkward.

But I knew him from somewhere,

Then to move the conversation off of me, I asked him comma, “So tell me about yourself?”

The next day, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulder and I was more like the old me again. Before all these things happened I was a popular girl, everyone loved me, but after the accident I started to feel sorry for myself and went into depression. I went down stairs to get some breakfast before I get ready it’s about 6.45am; it takes me fifteen minutes to eat my breakfast. I’m living with my aunt now because after the accident no one ell’s in my family wanted me so my aunty said she would take me in. Her really name is Betty, by the sound of her name she seems like a bossy, mean, old, horrible, wish you were dead type of person. The only reason she wanted me to live with her was because I could clean up and do the shopping because if I did anything ell’s I would be wasting my youth. She was completely wrong; she is the one wasting my youth. I should be going out with my friends having fun. I’m waiting at the bus stop for the school bus, it’s about 7.20am its usually here by now. Then a BMW 4x4 past, I’m not really good at knowing models of cars. I didn’t really pay much attention to it, and when I turned to the direction the car was heading it had stopped just a few feet away from the bus stop. The door opened and Kashif came out, I looked at him shocked, he started walking up to me and as he did he said “ the bus has broken down, we just passed it”

This is one big paragraph. First, you seem to be changing from past to present verb tense. It's really confusing when we read this, and I would suggest you go over it and make sure all of your verbs are past.
Secondly, you seem to be jumping from the past (in your story), to the present, and even describing her aunt and her situation at the same time. This is also confusing me. You should write everything about her past and her situation and then go on with the 'present' of the story (her going at the bus stop.) Written like that in chunks that match, it'll be a little less confusing.

Plot wise, I felt like this is an unfinished story. Is this a novel, or just a short story?

You should read this out loud, it'll help with the grammatical errors as well as the flow of your story. Sometimes when you read it, your eyes will play tricks on you and you'll read it the way you intended to write it, and not the way it is written. Normally, doing this will help editing a story a lot.

Overall, I like the idea, and it has a lot of potential, but I think you rushed through it and you could do something much longer with this then what it is right now. Add some secondary plots and other characters and it would be an awesome novel.

Keep writing!

-Other One

PS: Hope I wasn't too harsh, because I didn't intend to be. The story was really good.

thank you for your suggestions, it isn't finished, I was just hoping to get some feed back from people on what I had done so far, I am currently editing it and trying to make improvements, but I thank you for your suggestions and I will look over my story, thank you

hey.....first of all,the plot was really sweet. liked it.and the title of your story also fits well because I, at some parts of the story, did felt that it was unrealistic. teachers don't think you go crazy and book your appointment with the therapist just because you sleep in class.
the story would be awesome if you describe the situation a little more.i would not go to the usual gramatic mistakes and all that cause someone else already has done it.
anyway, i repeat, the story was really god. keep on writing!