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Wed May 25, 2011 5:50 pm
Justagirl says...



Spoiler! :
This is sorta new. I wrote it in about 10 minutes and from a little idea I've been having for a while... Does it seem like a flash fiction to you? Rip it to pieces if you'd like. Overall I'd love feedback on: characters, descriptions, and theme.
Thanks! Alzora


I sprinted away from him and leaped onto a narrow metal board. Running along it I heard him calling after me, asking me to stop and talk to him.
I didn’t.

I ran and ran, staying just in front of him and leaping higher and higher. But I knew I’d have to stop sometime, I’d have to face him someday.

I reached the top of the half-made building and stopped. I guess the day I’d have to face him was today.

I turned and slinked back to where he was scrambling up after me. I may be more nimble than him but he could easily outrun me, that’s why I’d gone into a construction zone.

“What do you want?” I asked, my voice dripping with honey that threatened to turn acidic at any moment.

“Just… A second…” He panted, getting his breath back.

I waited and watched as his finely muscled chest rose up in down with each breath. His black hair was mussed from the wind and his pale face looked tired but determination showed in his dark brown eyes. I’d looked into his face so many times, trusted him with all my secrets…

How could he have ever done that to me? He’d said he loved me then threw my soul and heart away. Why? He’d traded me in to be with another Shifter. Not that we'd even be able to go together. Truthfully, I'd always thought we'd break apart. I was a feline Shifter and he was canine. We were opposites, never meant to go together.

“I think you owe me an apology.” He started.

“Really?” My voice was frigid and I could tell he was worried about what I’d do next. “You think that you can just go and love my like you did then throw me away? I’m not disposable Trevor. I have feelings and a heart. Unlike you, I see.”

“You know I never meant to do those things to you-”

“I know you did.” I snarled. “And I will never forgive you. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you plead, I will never forgive and I will never forget.”

“Please, just listen to what I have to say?”

I could tell he was getting desperate but the determination was still in his eyes. I’d have to wait it out.

“No.” I turned and walked to the edge of the metal plank we were standing on. I stood and kept my back to him, hoping he’d leave eventually.

After a few minutes I felt him encircle my waist with his hands. Couldn’t he tell it wasn’t going to work anymore? He’d hurt me once. But I’d never, ever let him do it again.

“Please,” he whispered into my ear. “Don’t give up on me.”

“I already have. Long ago Trev, long ago.”

“Just listen to my side then? Please?”

I turned to face him. “This will be the last time you ever talk to me. I will leave after this. You’d better make it meaningful.”

“I thought you’d known. I thought that you wanted it to be over. Because we’re so different. I thought you didn’t love me anymore.
“I thought you’d left me all alone.”

“Well I didn’t.” I snapped.

I could tell that he knew his words were getting to me.

How could I let him? I’d turned that part of my heart into ice after him. I’ve never loved anyone since. And I never will again.

“Let me be with you…” He crooned, bringing his face closer to mine.

Instinctively I turned my head upwards and our lips met. It was all so familiar I didn’t realize what I was doing – my hands were in his hair, he was pulling me closer…

“Stop.” I pulled back. “I don’t trust you now and I never will.”

“Please Ariadne.”

“No.”

And with that I slipped around him and walked away.

I’d freed myself of his spell; he’d never get me back now.
Last edited by Justagirl on Wed May 25, 2011 6:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~
  





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Wed May 25, 2011 6:03 pm
Sierra says...



Yay! Nixy finally gets flash fiction!!! Welcome to the world of fragmented stories bouncing around in your brain!
But now, back to business. I liked it. A lot. The beginning had a nice flow to it, in some places it sounded almost like a poem. After that, I found it a little confusing. What did he do to her? Why is she so mad at him? It seem almost intentionally vague - which can be a good thing, kind of mysterious - but I would like a little more background information on the relationship between the two characters.
A few nitpicks:
He’d traded me in to be with another Shifter.
Two things about this: I don't get the Shifter part. I'm pretty sure you mean shape-shifter, but you don't explain it so I suggest cutting it. Do you mean 'traded me in' literally or not.
I’d freed myself of his spell; he’d never get me back now.
I like this. Quite a bit. I suggest you switch this and the closing sentence - I think this one has more of an impact - but that's just me.
Good emotion. Really. It's almost heartbreaking, the way she still loves him but she refuses to give him a second chance. Awesome internal struggle. I'd like a little more emotion in the very beginning, when she's running, but other then that it was great!

Love,
Sierra
What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.
  





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Wed May 25, 2011 6:09 pm
Justagirl says...



Edited! Is it better now?

-Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~
  





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Fri May 27, 2011 12:48 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with characters and plot.
Running along it comma, I heard him calling after me, asking me to stop and talk to him.

“You think that you can just go and love me like you did then throw me away? I’m not disposable Trevor. I have feelings and a heart. Unlike you, I see.”

First off I want to say that the reason she's mad isn't clear. I don't know if you meant it to be that way, but either way, you should definitely try to work on that and maybe hint at something more. You say that he was with another girl? Did she walk in on them, or did a friend tell her? Just a little more details would be good.

The character seems a little bland, but I get that it's just a short story so you can't really elaborate much with her. I would like a little more details on her personality... Make little things show through her thoughts, actions and speech so we feel like we know her better.

For the description, it seems okay. You only need to show us a little more for the things I mentioned, but for the rest, it's pretty good. :)

Hope I helped!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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Fri May 27, 2011 12:54 am
Kittengirl2 says...



This is pretty awesome, I like it. Very emotional.

Justagirl wrote:“You think that you can just go and love my like you did then throw me away?
Typo...

Justagirl wrote:I ran and ran, staying just in front of him and leaping higher and higher.
So I'm getting the idea here that she's some sort of superhuman... I would like a little more information about that.

Justagirl wrote:“Please Ariadne.”
Umm, is that a typo? I can't even pronounce it.

Justagirl wrote:I’d freed myself of his spell; he’d never get me back now.
I quite like this ending.

I agree with Sierra that we need a little more info on their relationship and the "shifter" thing. Not necessarily a lot, but right now it's a little confusing.

Well that's awfully short but hopefully it helped a bit anyway...
"A kitten is an angel with whiskers."
  





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Sat May 28, 2011 8:10 pm
LadySpark says...



hai Justagirl! I'm here for your review!



narrow metal board

where are they?


I reached the top of the half-made building and stopped. I guess the day I’d have to face him was today.

O.O There on a half made building AWESOME! Already I'm in love with this story!

He’d traded me in to be with another Shifter.

whats a shifter?

was a feline Shifter and he was canine

wait... Okay, are they like animals? AWESOME!

After a few minutes I felt him encircle my waist with his hands. Couldn’t he tell it wasn’t going to work anymore? He’d hurt me once. But I’d never, ever let him do it again.

This is getting kind of confusing.I mean, one minute I think their animals, the next human. Consistence is the key. Consistence.


“I thought you’d known. I thought that you wanted it to be over. Because we’re so different. I thought you didn’t love me anymore. I thought you’d left me all alone.” he said.

fixed the spacing here.

Okay, I think this is a wonderful romance story, not what you usauly see in a romance. :) I loved it, I just wish you would give us more details. :) I was kind of confused and really impressed. Good job. I really liked it. okay, so the only main nit-picks I have are:
1.Consistence
2. description


Bye!
~Pointe
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  








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