Young Writers Society

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Bryan blushed, and backed up against the brick wall of the ally. The stench of the dumpster wafted towards them; mixed with feelings of tension.

A smile brightened Phillip’s face. “ I know, that's what makes it even more fun.” He stepped over the moss covered ground towards Bryan. He pressed his forehead against Bryan’s. Kissing Bryan’s lips, Phillip pushed him against the wall.

“ I love you so much baby.” Bryan’s lips locked with Phillips and sparks flew. Every second was like the world igniting for Phillip. Passion poured out their lips into each others.

Gravel crunched beneath someone's feet. Phillip jumped back, panicked. “Fucking fags, screwing all over the place.” Mark growled. His build was clenched, and his muscles were edged with a blue polo.

“Piss off Mark.” Phillip grabbed Bryan’s hand and began to pull him out of the ally. Bryan pulled away.
“ If he wants to fight, I’ll fight him. Put him in his god damn place.” Bryan spat at Mark.

“ Yeah, Phillip, he wants to fight me. Just let him.” Mark grinned ferociously.

“ Mark shut the fuck up you stupid homophobe. I know all about you.” Phillip glared, but kept his voice low and sharp.
“ No, you knew all about me, until you decided to dance with unicorns, and suck dick.”

“ You didn’t mind until I quit football, and you stopped getting to see me shower naked.” Phillip winked sarcastically.
Mark clenched his fist, and sent it flying into Phillips stomach. Phillip gasped for air, fell to his knees, and clenched his stomach. Mark used this to his advantage and tried kicking Phillip, but Bryan had tackled him before he could.

They all were tangled punching, kicking, and flaying on the ground. It was all a blur when Mark’s friends had joined into the fight behind the school cafeteria. No one knew why they were fighting, and no one stopped till it was too late.

To Phillip it had felt like hours till the football team had dismembered, and left. He laid on the moss ground where only 40 minutes ago he had been kissing his boyfriend at. He could barely see, or move. He tried to sit up, but fell back to the ground in agony as if bones were jabbing out of him in all direction.

Regaining his senses, he finally pushed him self off the ground, and scanned the area for Bryan. Pain shot through his body, everything tore and ached. Bryan was no where in Phillip’s sight. “Bryan?” Phillip coughed up blood. He managed to pull him self up on one leg. The ally was dark, and covered in random drops of blood. A twisted limb stuck out of behind the large, green dumpster.

“Bryan!” He limped over to the body with tears running down his beaten cheeks. On the ground lay Bryan, as if his body was trash and dumped where it would rot. A pool of blood soaked into the body with skin that was torn, scraped off, and hanging loose.

Phillip wailed and slammed his fist into the brick wall. He slid down next to Bryan’s body. “Bryan, Bryan....” He picked up the body’s hand and held it as if it glass. Rocking back in forth he slowly picked up the body till Bryan's body lay in his arms.

Bitting into his own lip, Phillip slowly started banging his head into the brick wall. At first the pain only sank into his shell. He began banging his head into the wall, till it sent blood streaming down the wall. Still he held Bryan’s body on his arms, holding on tight, until he passed out from blood loss.

Hey!

So I think your dealing with a very powerful subject here, hate crimes and discrimination. It's definitly something that is very emotional, so heart-wrentching, purely awful. The idea that someone would kill another based soley on their sexual orientation is dispicable, and yet, it happens. Writing a story to highlight atrosities like this is something that has been done before, but definitly is worth doing again.

I think you have a good start here, however, I think this piece could be improved. You have three man characters here: Phillip, Bryan, and Mark. Basically, what we know about them is that two are gay, and one is homophobic bigot. Aside from the little tidbits like Phillip being sarcastic, and Bryan having a hot temper, we don't have much else. These characters are flat. The villian and heros. We just get introduced to them, and then a couple paragraphs later, one of them is dead.

The final scene with Bryan's limp, lifeless body should really have me misty-eyed, perhaps even holding back a few tears, but it dosen't. The problem is, I haven't come to care about these characters as people. I don't really know much about them. I would try to make them as human and relatable as possible. Maybe Bryan has a little sister at home who he takes care of, maybe Phillip has strived for his father's approval but never gotten it. Maybe one or both of them has had a major private struggle with their sexuality. Including details and describing these thing makes the character real, well-rounded and inherently human. Basically, take it slow, let us come to care about these characters before they die. So instead of thinking of a faceless lifeless body, I am thinking of a father without a son, a sister without a brother, a friend who is now friendless.

I would like to talk about Mark for a second. Now, it easy to stereotype villians, just pure evil, born that way, the whole bit. However, most folks have motivation for what they do, reasons for why they are the way they are. What made Mark a bigot? Even worse, what made Mark a killer? What happened in his life that would make him take his hate to such extremes? You definitly don't have to detial the answers to this question in your narrative, but I think, as an author, it would be good to understand your characters motivation, even though the action is unforgivable.

Anyway, this is a great start, the biggest thing is to make your characters more human. Like I said, the subject matter is powerful, and for some deeply personal, which give your piece a nice serious energy. If you any comments or questions feel free to PM me.

Audrey

Hello,

Looks like I'm reviewing your story today. I say one its amazing and sad. I really liked your description. This made me sad because I know what it means to be hated for being in love with someone of the same gender. I'm bi and in love with a girl and have faced a lot of hardships. I loved this and I like/hate the ending just to let you know. But I didn't find anything wrong with the spelling or grammar so yay!! Buenas Suerte and Keep up the good work. Happy writing and may you receive many helpful reviews. Sayonara and best of wishes.
Soulkana<3

This was.... really... *shivers*... harsh. But good.

I liked it... however, the end was a little bit disappointing... I mean, it seemed like you were just telling us what happened "he passed out" but what was going through his mind exactly? I mean, it's perfectly clear that Phillip is really upset, but I felt like you needed to add something, some imagery or something that lets us know just how upset he was.

“ You didn’t mind until I quit football, and you stopped getting to see me shower naked.” Phillip winked sarcastically.

This line I didn't quite get... because, well, you just said Mark was a homophobe, but then you're making it out that he has a sort of homosexual leniency or something... I mean, I suppose Phillip was just kidding, but since you just called him a homophobe I think it’s less effective, you know?

Besides that and a couple of grammatical things, I can’t complain XD

--
Tabby