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'Cause when you're sixteen (Part One)



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Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:49 pm
Catri says...



As his hand grazed the bottom of my school shirt, I finally understood what it meant to be intimate without being, well... intimate. He gently covered his mouth with mine. I was once told that there were fireworks when you first kiss someone. They lied. It wasn't that I didn't feel anything because - by God - I did. It was sweet, it was caring and above all, I felt protected in his arms. That was my first kiss. It was wonderful, exhilirating. It made me want him all the more.

Now, we stroll hand in hand. That first kiss was over four months ago. Let me tell you, his taste was - is - addicting, like my own personal drug. As corny as it sounds, it's true.

We come to a halt outside his house. "Come inside," he says gently. I cast a glance over the house and I feel awkward. Behind those curtains are my best friend and a woman who hates me. I chew on my lip. He presses his mouth against mine, just like that time when we first started dating and my heart almost melts. How can I not give into that? As my tongue tangles with his, heat seeps through my body and his taste leaves a sweetness on my tongue when I pull away. "We've got to speak to my mom sometime." Logic doesn't make much sense and neither does the argument that had been on my tongue. I want to kiss him again.

I nod simply and allow him to lead me through the front door. My eyes drift towards the stairs and I swallow. As a child, I had climbed those stairs and banged the door leading to my best friend's bedroom. It feels weird now, to be coming back here with my boyfriend, rather than his sister.

"Lola!" he yells up the stairs. "We've got company!" Within a few moments, Lola appears at the stairs, her hair mussed and her eyes full of sleep. I drop my gaze to a loose thread in my shirt, feeling weird. It may have been four months since my first kiss but it was also four months since Lola had spoken to me without a bitchy attitude. I guess that's what you get when you decide to date your best friend's brother.

The blonde in front of me looks me up and down with the eyes that remind me of her brother's. It makes me feel uncomfortable, considering how much I've gazed into them in the past. "Ophelia," she says slowly. She holds her hand up in a silent wave and I almost wince at the sound of my full name. It is not the fact that I hate my name that bothers me; Lola has always called me Lily. Making a five year old kid write out Ophelia Mae Dimitri was appalling - Lola had thought so too. It was how we'd become friends.

I toss out my blonde curls, almost in an act of defiance as I bring my eyes up to meet hers. She gives me a hint of a smile that reminds me of the good old days and a part of me sees that she respects my defiance. I deflate a little but I keep that same steely look in my eye, telling Lola that I won't back down from this. It's time she got used to it.

"Lola? Dean?" a female voice calls. From behind Lola, there comes a red-headed woman, her glasses perched precariously on her nose. When she sees me, her nose wrinkles a little, like there's a bad smell. I try not to roll my eyes. "Ophelia." Her voice is flat. I clutch Dean's hand a little tighter. He runs his pinky across the back of my fingers, soothing me. I take in a deep breath, awaiting his mother's reply.

"Ms. James," I greet, a small, shy smile flitting across my features. I loosen my hand from Dean's and step forwards. "How have you been?" Ms. James gives me a small smile but it's not one that makes me believe she has given up on her hatred of me. It's almost... cold.

Dean interrupts then, retaking my hand and pulling me up the stairs awkwardly, past Lola and his mother. Nobody says anything but I know for certain that there are daggers shooting from his mother's eyes. I try not to cower as I walk past but it's difficult.

Dean takes me into his bedroom and my heart thumps as he shuts the door behind us. His hands slip to my waist, tugging me towards him with an urgency I've never felt before. I respond immediately, pushing my body into him as his mouth reaches for mine. The kisses are barely there - fast and urgent. A small moan escapes my lips but you can barely hear it as we tumble towards his bed. He drops down and I fall on top of him, my lips moving to the hollow of his throat as his hands graze the end of my checked shirt, his thumb rubbing over my hips.

My breaths come quickly and sharply as I begin to unbutton his shirt with trembling fingers. His hand reaches half way up my thigh. "I love you." And just like that, the urgency disapparates. I stare down at him in shock and my fingers fly to my mouth as I give out a small, choked sob. The sound is barely even human.

Staring down at him, I feel a burning in the pit of my stomach. "I love you too," I whisper. I roll off the top of him, so I'm lying at his side. I clasp his fingers between mine. As we lie in the dim light, at each other's side, I realise the truth in my words.
Last edited by Catri on Sat Jan 22, 2011 2:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Fri Jan 21, 2011 9:19 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey!

I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading this. It flowed well and I liked the way that you've already explained character dynamics so well, when it's only the first part.

I could really feel the hatred coming from Dean's mum and I'm itching to know why she hates Lily so much.

I also like the way you've chosen to make her boyfriend, her best friend's brother. I liked the way you showed tension between Lola and Lily and I already want a more in-depth look at their friendship and what really happened when Lily first started dating Dean.

I cast my glance over the house and I feel awkward


I think 'a glance' would sound better than 'my glance'

allow him to drag me through the front door


'drag' doesn't sound right. Try 'lead'

dragging me up the stairs


Again, 'dragging' sounds too rough here.

I stare down at him shock and my


'I stare down at him in shock and my'

This was so sweet and I really want to read the next part :) Any chance you can PM me when it's up?

I hope my review's helpful and thanks again for the great read!

xDudettex
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Sat Jan 22, 2011 3:00 pm
Catri says...



Thanks very much for the brilliant review :) You're really helpful. And I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

I've made the changes you suggested, so it should be okay now. Just shoot me a reply if you think of anything else that needs changing and I'll have a look.

As for why Dean's mum hates Lily... well, it's all to come ;) And about the relationship between Lily/Lola, it's based on a current friendship between myself and my boyfriend's sister >.< So yeah, it's where I got the idea from. Stay tuned (>.<) and you'll find out everything ^.^
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Sun Jan 30, 2011 9:43 pm
Kiwisatsuma says...



Hi! :)

I really like this. I'm totally jealous of your kiss writing skills. XD I love the tension between Ophelia and her boyfriend's family, and this is already really engrossing.

Still, there were a couple of things I'm unsure about. Firstly, it's just a minor niggle, but refer to Dean as 'he' for the first half of the story, and only tell us his name halfway through, which seems a bit weird to me. Unless you have a specific reason for not telling readers his name, you might as well put it in straight away in the first sentence so we know who this mysterious guy is. Also, while I do like the way you start with a flashback to their first kiss, I think it might be better if you put it in italics or separated it in some way, because it's a bit suddenly jumping four years within the first paragraph.

The other thing I'm not sure about is the love confession. It's not that it wasn't really well written and very cute, but - from your comments it seems like this is going to be a longer story, and if you're writing a love story then having them confess their love in the very first chapter feels like you're skipping to the end before we've even started. The best thing about romance stories for me is the way we get to go on a journey with the characters as the relationship grows, so that when the love declaration comes you really believe in it along with them.

So, I would suggest deferring the I love yous for a bit. It certaintly wouldn't stop me from wanting to read, and it would mean you had somewhere for the story to aim towards. It would mean that when the moment came it would have real significance, instead of being just a throwaway line and a mildly sweet end to the chapter.

But that's purely personal opinion and it's your story, and I can see why you wouldn't want to make a change like that. Just throwing it out there. :smt003 Either way, I really enjoyed this beginning and I'd really like to read more, so if you'd like any reviews on later chapters then PM me or write on my wall. :D
  





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Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:45 pm
PandaAiKorai says...



If you're writing continues to intensify, you know, you should probably increase the rating. I know that you wish for people to look at it, but, well... you understand. But the end was pretty sweet, honestly. I am hoping that, when you continue this, you'll elaborate on why the mother doesn't enjoy Ophelia's company. In the next installment, please elaborate.(: If this is a hint. (;

~Panda;;
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Sun May 08, 2011 12:10 pm
Vari says...



First off I want to say that I really like your story. It flows well and has me curious about why Dean's mother hates Lily so much. I would keep reading just to discover why.

Though a few small things could be worth revising to make it even better. Not that I'm an expert but then again you could ignore what I'm saying and be done with it.

He gently covered his mouth with mine.

Shouldn't it be: "He gently covered my mouth with his?"

It would also probably be better to put the first paragraph in italic, jut to alert readers that it's more of a preview than really part of what they're going to read in a minute.

Also maybe it's a bit awkward how Lily goes from having a hate-glare on her back to suddenly making out with Dean. Wouldn't it be weird knowing that both the mother and sister are probably still just outside of the door?

I look forward to reading the rest of your story :] Keep it up!
  





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Sun May 08, 2011 4:26 pm
NewFace says...



Ooh my god, this little love story had me captivated from the first few sentences. I smiled to myself I realized through out the whole story. I love how you added in the mad mother and the rebellious love relationship that they tried to overcome in their mothers presence. This was fantastic.
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Sun May 08, 2011 7:01 pm
Catri says...



Guys, thanks for the love :D

Kiwisatsuma: I was really confused with your name at first and was then all... oh my god, it says Kiwi and satsuma! And then I got really weirdly excited for some reason :P And you shouldn't be jealous! I just tend to overthink too-perfect moments way too much, which is why I end up writing it. I like love, I write love xD Actually, I don't like love. I like romance >.<

As for the love confession... the thing is, this story isn't what you're probably expecting. *Ducks* Unfortunately, the ending won't be as lovey-dovey wonderful as you'd like. You'll see further along the story how much Lily loves Dean, however, and I hope that's enough for you. But right now, that's all I'm saying. Check out Part Two if you haven't already. And as for referring to him as 'he' .. well, that was sort of a personal preference that I can't currently remember. But I'll come back to that when I do >.< I'm glad you want to read more; Parts Two and Three are now up :D

Panda: Part Three gives suggestions to why Lola's mother doesn't like Lily o.O I hope you enjoy that. And oh yeah, I know that I'll need to put the rating up. In fact, I have done so because the next two are a little more... hating. Aha. I hope you continue to read :D

NewFace: I'm glad you enjoyed it :D
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Sun May 08, 2011 10:40 pm
cookEmonster says...



That's really good! but (sorry, i just had to add the but xD) it's a little jumbled up and i don't understand it that well. Maybe take the story a little slower and in the beginning, explain things some more? Other wise, yeah its pretty good! :D
As his hand grazed the bottom of my school shirt, I finally understood what it meant to be intimate without being, well... intimate. He gently covered his mouth with mine. I was once told that there were fireworks when you first kiss someone. They lied. It wasn't that I didn't feel anything because - by God - I did. It was sweet, it was caring and above all, I felt protected in his arms. That was my first kiss. It was wonderful, exhilirating. It made me want him all the more.

Now, we stroll hand in hand. That first kiss was over four months ago. Let me tell you, his taste was - is - addicting, like my own personal drug. As corny as it sounds, it's true.

We come to a halt outside his house.

Like here, maybe you could add some more detail? Take some more time to let the readers know the characters so they can latch onto it more and get into the story more.
-CookEmonster (;
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