Young Writers Society

Lola looks hesitant as she approaches my desk, like she already believes this is a bad idea. I lift my head and shake out my hair, so that none of the blonde curls cover my vision. When she stops at my desk, I look straight up into her eyes. We both wince at the eye contact and she drops her gaze to the floor as she trails a light finger over the corner of the brown table.

"Do you mind?" She nods towards the chair at my side. I shake my head and she seats herself beside me. She stares down at her lap and everything's quiet for a few seconds. However, this is Lola - she can't keep quiet for long. "Why'd you do it?" At first I'm confused and then I realise she's making a reference to our last argument, when we stood in the parking lot, yelling swear words as each other. I struggle to recall what she said.

My heart stops, then continues. You broke Timi's heart. I chuckle to myself and her head shoots up. The first thing you should know about Lola is that when she's curious, she's vulnerable. When she's in that state, you have to step lightly."Is that what this is about? Timi? God Lola - you haven't spoken to me in four months because I broke Timi's heart?"

She raises an eyebrow and I realise that I've hit the nail on the head... however, a little to the left. It's not the complete truth. It also looks like Lola isn't going to divulge any more information though. "Look Lola, I'm not going to play guessing games with you. I'm meeting Dean." I throw my books into my bag and sling it over my shoulder as I push my seat back. Lola's hand wraps around my wrist. I stare down at it for a few moments, as does she. It's like she's trying to convince herself she's not doing this. Confronting me.

"Why are you dating him? Do you feel sorry for him? Did you want to get back at Timi for... for..."

I know exactly what she's thinking. Timi's brother is the ex of my older sister. He's currently in prison for domestic abuse. Even if I hated Timi's brother, I would never seek revenge on Timi. It wasn't her fault. I just... don't do revenge.

I think back to the other night, when I lay at Dean's side. I think of how hungrily he'd kissed me, how I'd been so... ready and how then, he had told me he loved me. I struggle to hold back the small smile that wants to flit across my features at the feeling of the memory.

"You don't know me very well, do you, Lola?" I sober up, pulling my wrist from her clasp and dropping my bag back at my feet. I continue standing up, so that I'm above her. It's nice to feel a sense of comfort by doing that. "Timi is my friend but I love your brother."

"Well then... are you doing this because you feel sorry for him? Because he's dying?"

Time stands still.

A sob catches in my throat but I refuse to cry. Have you ever had that feeling of losing control, where you simply cannot find the words you want to say? No, that's wrong. I know what I want to say; I simply cannot speak the words. It's like my voice box won't obey me because deep inside, I don't know if by denying it, I'll destroy myself if I later find it's true.

I stare up at Lola with watery eyes and open my mouth. For a few seconds, I cannot speak. Then the words come to me."You're lying. He'd have told me."

Hey! Thanks for the PM

Revenge isn't my stronger point.

'stronger' should be 'strong' - it sounds better.

"Why are you dating him? Do you feel sorry for him? Did you want to get back at Timi for... for..." I know exactly what she's thinking. Timi's brother is the ex of my older sister. He's currently in prison for domestic abuse. Even if I hated her brother, I would never do that though.

This all seems a little rushed. I like that you give background on who this new character, Timi, is. And I like that it also adds background to Lily, making her a little more 3D. We now know that she has an older sister, whose last relationship ended badly.

This part though -

Even if I hated her brother, I would never do that though.

- is a little confusing to read. I know it' referring to Lola's brother, Dean, but I think it would be better if you clarified it by writing the names in - e.g -

'Even if I hated Dean, I would never do that to him.'

I'd also start a new line after - '"Why are you dating him? Do you feel sorry for him? Did you want to get back at Timi for... for..." - so it's easier to read.

E.g -

'"Why are you dating him? Do you feel sorry for him? Did you want to get back at Timi for... for..."
I know exactly what she's thinking. Timi's brother is the ex of my older sister. He's currently in prison for domestic abuse. Even if I hated Dean, I would never do that to him.'

"Well then... are you doing this because you feel sorry for him? Because he's dying?" Time stands still.

I'd start a new line after 'dying?'

Ooh! A cliffhanger. Didn't see that coming!

The only thing I'd suggest is adding in a little discription of how Lily feels when Lola says -

"Well then... are you doing this because you feel sorry for him? Because he's dying?"

Tell us how she feels. Does she feel faint? Can she feel her heart rate struggling to stay steady? Does she suddenly find it hard to breath? A little description will help the reader to sympathise with your character more.

I like how you showed us a more in depth look at the relationship between Lola and Lily. I can't wait to read the next part!

Thanks for the great read

xDudettex

Thanks very much for the second review I really appreciate it. You give great feedback.

I've made the changes you suggested, as well as adding a little about how Lily feels. I don't know whether it is that.. emotional at the end but that's mainly because Lily's in shock, so she can't really feel anything. We'll see how that joins up in Part Three and I may change that.

Once again, thank you for the awesome review

Hey again!

I just wanted to say that I think the changes you made have definitely benefited your story. The feelings you express really help to make me want to empathise with Lily and it makes her seem like a real human, instead of a 2D finctional character. After all, our emotions and the way we react in different situations are what makes us, us

I can't wait for the next part!

xDudettex

Hello there.

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on your story.

At first I'm confused and then I realise she's making a reference to our last argument, when we stood in the parking lot, yelling swear words at each other.

It wasn't her fault

I'm kind of confused about who the her is. Is it her sister? Lola? Or you made a mistake and you meant him?

I liked this part. The ending really helps too, since it makes us want to read more. Actually, I've just decided that it would probably be a better idea to just comment on the whole story at the end, since then it could be complete.

So you'll have to wait until I read the third part.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Thanks Dudette!

And okay, I shall look forward to reading it, theotherone As for the 'her,' it's Timi that I'm referring to. I didn't want to say:

Even if I hated Timi's brother, I would never seek revenge on Timi. It wasn't Timi's fault.

I didn't like the repetition here, which was why I took it out and used the word 'her' instead.

And I shall change the 'as' to an 'at.' Thanks very much for the review

Onto part two..

My heart stops, then continues. You broke Timi's heart. I chuckle to myself and her head shoots up.

This part confused me. Why did her heart just randomly start and then stop again? Like, what made her so nervous/scared (or whatever makes ones heart stop)? Obviously, we don't know who Timi is but I assume that will be cleared up later. And why did that make her laugh? It doesn't seem like a particularly laughable matter.

he raises an eyebrow and I realise that I've hit the nail on the head... however, a little to the left.

However doesn't really work there, maybe try "well"

I like how you start to complicate things after the picturesque (ok, somewhat) situation that was introduced. Suddenly, its very interesting.

Since dying is kind of a widely used word it's not completely clear that you mean death - I mean he could be suffering from sadness or something - and give a little background into what she means by that. (You do mean death, right?) Is this the first she's heard of this? If so she should say something like "what do you mean" or explain how much she knows about this and why she's denying it.
Also he's dying? That is so sad! I really really want to read more.