Young Writers Society

I’m messing around in the kitchen when the doorbell rings.

“Coming!”

I drop the knife on the counter and then rush to the front door, wiping my hands on a towel. I pull open the door, a bright smile on my face... and then it drops. “L... Lola?” I choke out, not entirely sure that this is actually her standing on my doorstep. That’s when I realise she’s crying. That part of me that is too trusting and caring for its own good forces its way to the front of my mind. “Lola?”

She starts to sob uncontrollably. I step forwards, taking her hands as I lead her into the kitchen. “She kicked me out,” she whispers through her sobs. I push her down gently into a chair. “She kicked me out. She just said I was screwed up and told me to go to you if I thought I was going to keep up with this...” My mind is a tangle of past conversations as I struggle to comprehend. I’m about to speak when Lola beats me to it. She takes a deep breath, tilts her head towards me and looks me straight in the eye. “She said if I thought it was you who knew me better, then you could clean me up again, just like last time."

I shake my head, near tears myself as I take Lola’s hands. She doesn’t pull back like the last time, when I saw her in hospital after finding her. She doesn’t even wince as I pull up her sleeves over the raw cuts across her arms. I hold back my own, hysterical cry. I stagger backwards, leaning against the cupboard for support. I can’t take anymore. I want the world to swallow me whole, so I don’t have to deal with this. I don’t want to deal with this.

My eyes do not move from Lola’s wrists. It is no longer the cuts I am seeing though but something else, something that is more sinister, something that still breaks my heart to think. “You didn’t... try, did you?” Lola shakes her head, a lone tear trailing down her cheek. I breathe a sigh of relief. “Okay... so... it was just a cut... just a cut... just a cut...” I repeat these words softly to myself, because it’s easier than thinking of why she’d actually done it. I wasn’t ready to delve into it yet.

“Can I stay here?” she asks quietly. I give a short, curt nod. Before I can say anything else, she’s up the stairs and in the bathroom. After a few seconds, I follow her up. Pulling back her hair, I watch as she throws up into the toilet bowl. When she sinks backwards, I pull her round to face me. I drop to the floor in front of her. There’s only one question on my mind: Why me? Lola knows me well enough to answer the question without me asking it.

“Because you’re the only one that can still save me.”

And that is enough. It is enough to restore our shaky friendship. Whatever happens, Lola has always been my best friend. I have always saved her and she has always saved me. We’ve been through everything together; old habits die hard. I pull her into a hug, allowing her bigger frame to lean against my own petite one. She has always been the taller one, the stronger one. Seeing her so weak only hurts me.

I pull her to her feet. “Come on,” I say and I lead her to my bedroom. Opening the door, I swear and push her back out. She glances at me. “Um... Dean.” I blush a bright red. “We weren’t...” I open the door, allowing her to see. I had forgotten; Dean was asleep in my bed. “He’s so tired,” I whisper shakily and it is my turn to lean on her. This is what friendship is; leaning on each other despite everything.

Surprisingly, Lola doesn’t mutter anything about how weird it is to watch her brother sleep. Instead, she interlaces my fingers through hers, the way we used to do when we were little because that was cool. “We’ll get through it,” she whispers. But I don’t know whether she means the three of us or just her and me.

I came to this originally because it remided me of a line in Taylor Swifts' - Fifteen.
'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them.'
I hope it's good

On to the review!

Catri wrote:
I’m messing around in the kitchen when the doorbell rings.

“Coming!” I would put this as a new paragraph.

I drop the knife on the counter and then rush to the front door, wiping my hands on a towel. I pull open the door, a bright smile on my face... and then it drops. “L... Lola?” I choke out, not entirely sure that this is actually her standing on my doorstep. That’s when I realise she’s crying. That part of me that is too trusting and caring for its own good forces its way to the front of my mind. “Lola?”
This is well written and paves the way for the next paragraph.

She starts to sob uncontrollably. I step forwards, taking her hands as I lead her into the kitchen. “She kicked me out,” she whispers through her sobs. I push her down gently into a chair. “She kicked me out. She just said I was screwed up and told me to go to you if I thought I was going to keep up with this...” My mind is a tangle of past conversations Nice imagery! as I struggle to comprehend. I’m about to speak when Lola beats me to it. She takes a deep breath, tilts her head towards me and looks me straight in the eye. “She said that if you thought you knew me better, then you could deal with me for a second time.” Okay, I've read this a few times over and am still not sure I understand it, maybe you could make it clearer?

I shake my head, near tears myself as I take Lola’s hands. She doesn’t pull back like last time. You didn't mention that she pulled back last time. You need to mention it if you're going to refer back to it later. She doesn’t even wince as I pull up her sleeves over the raw cuts across her arms. I hold back my own, hysterical cry. I stagger backwards, leaning against the cupboard for support. I can’t take anymore. I want the world to swallow me whole, so I don’t have to deal with this. I don’t want to deal with this.

My eyes do not move from Lola’s wrists. It is no longer the cuts I am seeing though but something else, something that is more sinister, something that still breaks my heart to think. “You didn’t... try, did you?” Lola shakes her head, a lone tear trailing down her cheek. I breathe a sigh of relief. “Okay... so... it was just a cut... just a cut... just a cut...” I repeat these words softly to myself, because it’s easier than thinking of why she’d actually done it. I wasn’t ready to delve into it yet.

“Can I stay here?” she asks quietly. I give a short, curt nod. Before I can say anything else, she’s up the stairs and in the bathroom. After a few seconds, I follow her up. Pulling back her hair, I watch as she throws up into the toilet bowl. When she sinks backwards, I pull her round to face me. I drop to the floor in front of her. There’s only one question on my mind: ‘Why me?’ I would put this into italics and remove the quotation marks. Lola knows me well enough to answer the question without me asking it.

“Because you’re the only one that can still save me.” new paragraph for speech generally.

And that is enough. It is enough to restore our shaky friendship. Whatever happens, Lola has always been my best friend. I have always saved her and she has always saved me. We’ve been through everything together; old habits die hard. I pull her into a hug, allowing her bigger frame to lean against my own petite one. She has always been the taller one, the stronger one. Seeing her so weak only hurts me.

I pull her to her feet. “Come on,” I say and I lead her to my bedroom. Opening the door, I swear and push her back out. She glances at me. “Um... Dean.” I blush a bright red. “We weren’t...” I open the door, allowing her to see. I had forgotten; Dean was asleep in my bed. “He’s so tired,” I whisper shakily and it is my turn to lean on her. This is what friendship is; leaning on each other despite everything.

Surprisingly, Lola doesn’t mutter anything about how weird it is to watch her brother sleep. Instead, she interlaces my fingers through hers, the way we used to do when we were little because that was cool. “We’ll get through it,” she whispers. But I don’t know whether she means the three of us or just her and me.

This was really good! I like the way the charcters interact with each other and found that there were very little nitpicks. Well done!

I really enjoyed reading your story. I like your usage of words. I like how the story was so detailed on how the characters felt. You gained another follower, Keep writting.

Hey guys Thank you for both reviewing

Now, IcyFlame, I'll come address your review So, I've made the edits that you suggested. The only problem I came across, however, was rewording that one sentence to make it clearer. I suppose I was sort of hoping that the following paragraph would add more weight to that and explain what it was that had happened 'last time.' So... yeah. Yes, the title did come from Taylor Swift's 'Fifteen.' I had to change the age, however, because of certain things that may or may not be made obvious later on in the story. I am a huge fan of Taylor though. I got to go see her in concert for my birthday. She was awesome o.O

And to the both of you: I am really glad you liked the story and thank you for taking some of your time to review for me

Hello, it's me again.

So I didn't find any nitpicks, I think IcyFlame picked them all out. The story is good. Is this the final chapter? I feel like the three parts are so different from one another, even though they work nicely together. First off she's with the guy, which is the brother of her former best friend. Then, she's talking with Lola, and the last part, she is friends with her again.

I definitely think you could make a novel out of this and give us a lot more details. Because I feel like I'm missing parts. But it's still done nicely, and you could keep it the way it is now.

Sorry for the short review... Keep writing!

-Other One

Thanks very much for the review Um... no, it's not the last chapter xD There's actually a lot, lot more to come so please stay tuned But that's all I can say for now... I'm glad you enjoyed it

Hey Catri!

I'm glad you've started posting this story again. It's been ages since I read and reviewed the first parts!

Now, the nit-piks have already been pointed out, so all I'm left with is to give you my general thoughts.

Overall, I liked this once again. It still has the same feel to it as the other parts do and I can feel the story progressing which is good. This part is short though and it leaves me with unanswered questions. Such as, why does Lola cut herself? What happened 'last time'? And I'm still not sure exactly why Lola's mum hates Lily so much. Maybe it's because Lola goes to Lily for help instead of her mum - I guess that could be quite hurtful/upsetting/annoying for her mum. Or maybe there's a deeper reason that we haven't touched on yet. i'm also not completely sure why Lola and Lily stopped being friends in the first place. Sorry if you mentioned it in the previous parts and Ive just forgotten. But if not, and you haven't mentioned it yet, then I'd suggest that you should add it in soon, especially seeing as they're friends again.

Anyway, I'm glad you're back to posting this and I can't wait to read more

xDudettex