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Young Writers Society


Roses are red...



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Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:43 pm
paperbackheart says...



She sat across from him and hid her face in her hair, a smile playing across her lips as if he'd told a joke. Yes, this was Derrick, the boy she liked, no she LOVED him. The only problem was that she was Miss Popular, getting asked out almost everyday, and he was Mr. Freakshow, someone no one wanted to be by (excluding herself of course). The little blonde decided to just keep an eye on him and keep their contact with each other very brief. She didn't want anybody to know about her crush, especially her sister. She shuddered to think of what she'd say.

The girl kept her head forward all through class, ignoring the boy like she did everyone else. They were adding fractions today and boy, was that hard! The blonde's eyes could barely keep up with what was going on on the whiteboard and finally, after staring at her paper for ten whole minutes, she shoved it in her backpack to ask her sister for help. She was smart enough to help and her sister was three grades ahead of her. She better remember how to do this!

"Hey Katy?" asked the boy who sat next to her, Luke.

"What?" she snapped, irritated already.

"Are you going to do the poetry contest?" he asked.

Katy cocked her head to the side, twirling a loose hair. "Sure," she finally decided. There should be nothing wrong with a poetry contest.

The day passed quickly and Katy rode the bus with her sister. She was chatting away eagerly about the contest, oblivious to her sister's dismissal of her.

"Do you think I can do it?" she asked with eyes shining. "Do you think I can be as good as you are, Jay?"

Jay looked up from her book and patted her sister on the head. "Of course you can," she said. "I'll help you in fact."

Katy looked up at her hero with bright blue eyes, idolizing her and feeling pleased that she'd spare some time to be with her.

That month was filled with stress. Katy cried and Jay cried, mostly because of their frustration with each other and a whipping from their father after a physical fight. Eventually the last day in April arrived and the poetry contest began. Most of the children had Dr. Suess-like poems. Some wrote rather cyptically, and some, some just read other people's work.

It was finally Katy's turn. There were goosebumps all over her skin and she tugged at her skirt, whispering that it was too small. Her hairpins were pressing into her head and the curls were becoming loose. She wanted to look nice but she felt like a mess. She wished she had boobs to keep her shirt up and oh my, what if she tripped and fell on stage in front of Derrick? He would never like her then!

"Next up is Katy Greene!"

Katy felt like she would piss her pants or even worse, cry. She wanted to run, to throw up, to rip the fabric of reality and go into an alternate universe. Isn't that what happens on television? Why won't it happen now?!

Katy calmly stepped on stage and was greeted with applause. She sat on the chair on stage and breathed into the microphone.

"This is a poem me and my sister wrote," she said strongly into the microphone.

"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
You're kinda cute.
I like you."

"Oh that was so cute!" The audience clapped and laughed at the innocent girl's poem. She had a crush and that was adorable!

"I'm not finished," she whispered. The applause then decreased and she began again.

"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
You're kinda cute.
I like you.

Summer is over.
The flowers are dead.
As we walk through the woods,
The trees turn red.

Winter comes soon.
Snow covers the clovers.
We snuggle with chocolate.
This world will never be over.

That scene is covered in red
And the flowers do bloom.
But you left me for Leigh.
I cry in my room.

Now violets are blue
nd the roses are red.
You mess with my heart
and I'll kill you dead.


Katy looked up with a smile. She was proud of this creation. She noticed that there were only a few scattered claps but that was all she heard. Her face turned red and she ran off stage, swearing to herself never to do that ever again.

The days passed and the poem was mostly forgotten. Katy reclaimed her spot as the popular girl. Everything was going very well, and so she decided to be daring. That's why she was wearing her favorite t-shirt and shorts, to give her luck. Butterflies swarmed in her stomach and her voice felt dry. She wet her lip and stood at Derrick's desk, waiting to gain his attention.

He looked up through a head of curls, boring her with dark eyes. "Yeah, what do you want?"

Katy smiled. "I want to know if you wanted to go out with me cuz I kinda like you." She had kept the natural confidence in her voice, using what she called "swagger" to influence him.

Derrick rolled his eyes. "Go away. I don't want to date you."

Katy scrunched up her eyebrows in frustration. "Why not?"

Derrick sighed and went back to drawing. "I don't want to be hurt. As you said, 'Violets are blue. Roses are red. You mess with my heart, I'll kill you dead.'"

Katy blushed and walked away, not willing to argue. She didn't know that he paid attention to the poem.

Haha, I love this actually! Super proud of this! Leave comments and any concerns you have with this story/poem. By the way, while the main characters are in elementary school, the poem is written by a elementary schooler and a middle schooler! So remember if you have comments there. Thank you!
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.
  





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Sat Apr 30, 2011 12:00 am
Amfliflier says...



Haha, I'm glad you pointed out that they were still in elementary school, because I was thinking, "In what school are they still teaching kids to add fractions?". At the beginning I thought they were in middle school almost high school! xD

Anyways, about the story: it was pretty good. The storyline was a little confusing, but the description was really good. I really liked this! Nice job!
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

Everyday is Earth Day! :D
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 1:42 am
MOIMOW says...



Thanks for mentioning the ages, because at first I thought they'd be teens, like stories usually are when written on YWS, then I thought she was elementry, then I thought she was older, then I thought she was elementry again, then she started saying, "boobs" and "piss" and I added a few years to her age, then she said the cute first poem, and I subtracted some, then she said,
You mess with my heart
and I'll kill you dead.
and I died laughing. Absolute favorite part, I'll be saying it for days. :)
My problem with it is I feel there are two seperate conflicts: Derrick and the poetry contest. And, to me, the poetry contest is the winner. That's all.
Keep writing!
"Forget love. I'd rather fall in chocolate."
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 1:47 am
AdoxagraphyAngelus says...



Haha, this was surprisingly comedic. I love how Derek took the poem literally. It was really cute.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 2:03 am
Shearwater says...



Hi there! I'll be reviewing this piece for you today!
(Also, I'll be reviewing as I read.)

My first impressions of this is cliche. I mean, you have someone popular and someone not so popular. This happens all the time but there's the thing, usually it's the guy who popular and the girl who's not so you switched that around and it makes it a little different and even a bit interesting even though it's a cliche. So, you get ten points for that, my friend.

I also don't like how you refer to her as 'the blond'. Since this is written in third person couldn't you just use her name? I felt like it was a bit degrading to call her 'the blond' just because it's cliche. "The blond pretty popular girl". Can I take a guess and say that she's cheerleading captain too? lol Hopefully not.

Okay, you mention a lot of things such as frustration with the sisters, father's beating, her crush and her sister's disapproving of him but you never give us a reason for it. Why? Why does she have feelings for this guy? Why did they get whipped? Why were they fighting when they looked like they got along just fine? What happened?

Also for a popular girl why is she so shy? I don't understand. It's a change yes but most people who are popular are because they put themselves out there to let themselves and their personalities be seen by others. So I'd like some explanation on that too.

When she read her poem I didn't like the audience reaction to it either. I mean, why? If it's a poetry contest wouldn't the audience be expecting a little more? Maybe you could make them pause for a second then slowly clap while looking at her like she's nuts to have come into that competition and have written something such as that but then she says she has more so they get all excited again because it's a surprise. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about but hopefully you understand me. xD
Now violets are blue

nd the roses are red.

-*And. Missed a word. lol

"I'll kill you dead"
-It didn't exactly work for me. :c
How about "You'll be dead?"

Again, I dislike the audience reaction to that. In fact, their reactions should be switched around. The first reaction second and the second reaction first. xD

"I want to know if you wanted to go out with me cuz I kinda like you."

NO! Use "because" even if it's in a dialogue line. D:

Overall, it's a good story but it's missing foundation and explanations. You just threw things in there and mention things but never really gave a reason behind it. Why did you even put the sister and the father beating in there if they weren't important to the story? Try concentrating on your character and her relationship with this boy and the thoughts she put into her poem instead of the other things.

Keep writing and let me know if you have any other questions.

-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Sat May 07, 2011 2:41 pm
lovethelifeulive says...



Hi!
Oh, wow.
The poem was very creative and I adore your imagination. The story was brilliant as well, the title hooked me immediatly and that is a very good thing to have done. Your use of detail was nice, but I am sure you could have used a little more. The suspense for the scene were she tells her poem was gripping and wonderful. I enjoyed the ending because of the twist, but I feel that she should have put up a fight, instead of just walking away from the guy that she "loves." BUt that is just my opinion. SHe could say, what do you mean? and he could tell her whatever the reason is that he was so rude.
I think you did a marvolous job and I hope to see more writing like this from you soon.
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
Love the life u live,
and live the life u love
  





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Sat May 07, 2011 3:06 pm
Zoreo18 says...



It was such a cute story, but why did the dad do so? Nice poem by the way. Keep it up :)
The power of imagination makes us infinite.
-John Muir
  








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