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Young Writers Society


Wedding Day



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Points: 300
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Thu May 05, 2011 6:09 pm
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MidnightxPrincess says...



The sweet fragrance of flowers filled the air. People getting ready to watch the wedding, I entered the church holding my folder of music sheets. Smiling and greeting the people, then I saw your face, wearing a black tuxedo with the rose as an accompaniment. I smiled and waved at you happily, for your sake.

After that, it was time for it to begin. They all sat in there seats, and I went to the piano. The bride entered wearing a medium long veil and as she walked down the red isle, the people stood. I couldn’t believe that today was your wedding day. I played each note, happy yet sad. I couldn’t smile, so I just played emotionlessly trying not to see your face and hers.

As I played, I recalled the times when we were together. Those happy times, and now I’m seeing the person I cared and loved dearly, go. After this, you’re going to get committed to live your whole life with her, and I will never get the chance to have you again.

I tried not to cry, nor shed any tears. I don’t want to show you how I really feel and suddenly, it was time for the kiss.

I couldn’t look away as you two kissed. Happiness, sorrow and sadness mixed inside me. Forcing myself not to cry, so I just smiled.

I thought that we were tied together, but I guess I was wrong. Now then, it was time for the reception, and it was to be held in your house. The house that we had memories with, the time we spent together, laughing, smiling, playing and sometimes even crying.

When I entered your house, I stood strong and emotionless. Helping the visitors inside, the children played and all was happy. I smiled and entered a room, which we always hid in telling stories, how we lived our days and talked about many more things.

I sighed and lied on the sofa I usually sat in. After a few minutes of reminiscing and hearing those happy shouts outside, I drifted off to sleep.

(Flashback)
It was in mid autumn, the wind blew cold and the ground full of dried leaves. I ran to a garden that wasn’t known to most students. Panting as I reached my destination, I saw your laughing face.

“And what are you laughing at?” I asked fixing my composure.
“Nothing, it’s just that you look like you were chased by a crazy man.” He replied laughing a bit more.
“No, I wasn’t. I just didn’t want to make you wait. That’s all.” I smiled as I replied and something caught my eye, it was Steve and Jeremy.
“Oh hey guys!!!” I hugged them all of a sudden.
“P-princess!” Sam jolted and blushed a bit making me chuckle, “You look cute when you blush”
“You’re cute yourself Princess.” He replied blushing a bit less smiling.
“Thank you.” I replied
“So, how’s life so far?” Jeremy asked putting a spoonful of rice in his mouth.
“It’ great. I’m happy, you’re happy, we’re all happy. There’s nothing wrong.” I replied chewing my food.
“Good to hear then.” He continued to eat his meal.

We talked a lot more laughing, and then went home together talking about so many things. After that, we decided to go to Alexis’ house. Although I was the only girl, I decided to call Tori, my friend since elementary. We picked her up at the park, bought some snacks and headed again to Alexis’ house.

In Alexis house, we directly walked to the secret room we usually go to. Tori didn’t know, so we had to teach her the way, it was a hidden room. It was opened from behind a bookshelf, pretty cool right?

After walking down the stairs, we sat in our usual places. A balloon sofa for each.
“This feels good! I finally get to rest my feet.” Alexis said.

“Hey, I bought a DVD wanna watch it?” I asked getting a DVD out of my bag.
“Sure, what’s the title?” Alexis asked curiously looking at the DVD I was holding.
“It’s “Alice In Wonderland.” I replied.
“Ooh, nice. Put it in!’ he said.
“Sure!” I was to put the CD in until Jeremy grabbed the CD and shouted, “Let’s play video games!!!”
“What the. Let’s vote then. Who wants to watch a movie?” I asked.
Sam and Alexis agreed. “So that makes three of us, and Tori?”
“I want to play!!!” She whined and brought out her phone calling Shailow, “Want to play video games with us?”
“Uh, sure. Where are you?” he asked.
Tori looked at me and asked, “Is it alright if I bring him here?’
I looked at Alexis and asked, “Can she?”
“Sure, it’s more fun with more people right?” he replied smiling.
“If you say so, sure.” I told Tori grinning then whispering in her ear, “You’re boyfriend.”
“What?” Tori asked.
“Nothing, just pick him up. I’ll come with you.” I told her and walked upstairs and suddenly Jeremy and said, “Wait, you two are going alone?”
“Yup, we can go ourselves, besides it’s just in the station right?” I looked at Tori and she nodded.
“But, what if something happens to you if we’re not there? Maybe a perv will attack you.” He stared at us with worriful eyes.
“He’s right, what if I come with you?” Sam nodded and stood up.
“Uhmm….i think we can handle on our own. Right, Tori?” I looked at Tori and she said, “I think I agree with him. Maybe some perverted guy might attack us. And you know how I feel when guys are near right?”
“Oh sure, but we can’t just leave Alexis here, if Sam and Jeremy come with us.” I muttered.
“I’ll come with you and Alexis and Jeremy will play games while they wait.” He offered.
“Uhmm….do you mind Alexis? Just for a bit.’ I asked putting my hands together
“Oh sure! Just try to be careful ‘kay? I don’t want my sweetie to get hurt. Sam, protect her.” He told us.
“Of course, I would never leave nor hurt my princess.” Sam replied. Alexis raised an eyebrow and glared at Sam making him smirk.
“C’mon let’s go.” He grabbed my wrist and we walked to station leaving Jeremy and Alexis playing video games.
“You’re jealous aren’t you.” Jeremy asked while staring at the TV playing the game with Alexis.
“Humph, none of your business.”he replied pressing the game buttons on the controller and shouted, “I ain’t losing.”
“Me neither.”they both played continuosly while….
  





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Points: 1313
Reviews: 23
Thu May 05, 2011 7:30 pm
easilyinspired says...



Hello :D
I really enjoyed reading this piece, and I like the portrayal of emotions. I think that when you wrote this you had it planned out exactly in your head and as you read it it made sense because it was in your head, but it doesn't quite flow because there isn't enough detail for it to make sense. It was a little confusing, especially when Tori appeared but I think that if you edited this piece and added in a bit more description it would improve it a lot because the full story is there, it just need to be written down in more detail. Anyway, well done and keep writing.
xoxo
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"We couldn't sleep," said Lucy - and then she felt sure that she need say no more and that Aslan knew all they had been thinking.

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Thu May 05, 2011 10:36 pm
TabbyGirl says...



Hi XD

So, I started reading this, and I was like "YES! I think I'm going to like this story!" Because I love stories about weddings, and I was looking forward to figuring out who the pianist was, and why she was upset yet happy... at first I thought that she was the groom's mother...

The thing is... the whole flashback thing? I didn't get it at all. How old were these people? Why were they eating rice? I could hardly keep track of which ones were boys and which ones were girls... Which one of these children grows up to be the groom? Does one of them grow up to be the bride? And the pianist who is having the flashback, is her name princess, or is that her nick-name?

So.... yeah. Maybe if clarify all of those things I'll understand the flashback. But I did like the first part. Is this going to be continued?

Hope I helped XD

--
Tabby
  





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Fri May 06, 2011 2:04 pm
LadySpark says...



hi lovey! Here to review!

Smiling and greeting the people, thenI saw your face,no comma wearing a black tuxedo


They all sat in there seats,

Their not there


The bride entered wearing a medium long veiland as she walked down the red isle, the people stood. I couldn’t believe that today was your wedding day.

this seems choppy. Well, acutally it seems all choppy so far. Not smooth. and that part about the veil should be deleted.

(Flashback)

instead of this, just put the flash back in italic

“P-princess!” Sam jolted and

didn't you just say steve?

“But, what if something happens to you if we’re not there? Maybe a perv will attack you.” He stared at us with worriful eyes.

“He’s right, what if I come with you?” Sam nodded and stood up.

“Uhmm….i think we can handle on our own. Right, Tori?” I looked at Tori and she said, “I think I agree with him. Maybe some perverted guy might attack us. And you know how I feel when guys are near right?”



I'm really confused..... How old are these kids? who exactly is there? Why are they worried about walking down the street? you need to slow down and tell us, the stupid reader whats happening, you might know whats happening as the writer but we don't.

“Uhmm….do you mind Alexis? Just for a bit.’ I asked putting my hands together

“Oh sure! Just try to be careful ‘kay? I don’t want my sweetie to get hurt. Sam, protect her.” He told us.



what??? I'm so confused, I'm not sure I want to read anymore.

Okay, So you reallllyyyy neeeddd to slow down the flashback. here are my top five questions for the flashback
1.how old are they?
2. Who the hell are they talking to when they call all these people?
3.How many people are there?
4.What are the gender of most of these?
5. whats the name of the main charecter?

I can't say anything. Except slow down and explain

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