Young Writers Society

100% true but motified.

I was returning from that walk to nowhere, we were together, I'd just been thinking about what would happen if we'd been torn appart. I'd decided it would never happen, but in the back of my mind, knew I was wrong. When we got back, she was there. Your friend was with her. She pulled you into the other room and you got to know each other. I watched and answered her questions. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I held them in, not wanting to show emotion. She nodded at me, confirming her decision. I hoped and prayed she'd change her mind. One more day would be enough to get you for myself. That nodd did not subside. She stayed strong. I watched her jump into her car. I waved good bye. All I wanted was to go home. I had no purpous here any more. But I couldn't, I wasn't done yet. I stayed and waited, watched for that red car to pull back up into the drive and return you to your rightful home, but it didn't. I left, knowing I'd never see you again, and I hid my feelings from him. He asked if I was all right, but I didn't want him to know, he'd be discusted. I went home to my room. Into the bed I went and cried. Tears didn't stop flowing, sadness didn't subside. It hurt so bad, it still does. You were ripped from my heart, before I even had a chance to say good bye. So now I say, I love you. Someday I'll see you again, and I can't wait for that day. Love, losing you hurts, but I'll never forget you.

Hello there, I'm Masque, and I shall be reviewing your work today. -ehem-

The plot itself of this story seems like it could be really interesting, but it needs to be filled out. The main problem I saw with this work is that it was short. It was all structure and little meat. The use of "he" and "she" were kind of vague, too, and I got a bit confused in the middle as to what was going on at all. You said it was a true story, but I'm going to treat it as a piece of fiction. The story lacks description and characterization. There's not enough in it for the reader to get to know the characters, and they need to get to know them a little before they can feel for them. As the reader I know nearly nothing about the characters. The setting is also vague. This story seems more like you've just written out the skeleton of the story. Now all it needs is to be filled in with all that blood, organs, and muscle. I would definitely consider going back and filling in details. Try some figurative language and imagery. Fill it in with all that fluff that makes us just love stories. As the reader, I would love to hear more about the characters as well.

This story seems to have quite a bit of potential, it just needs elaboration.

Happy Writing!
Masquerade

As dear Masque stated, you need more content. Also "appart" should have only one "p" and "discusted" should have a "g" in place of the "c".
Otherwise, what I gathered is that this has some potential, I'm just not entirely sure what's going on. It sounds a bit like an adoption, but none of it's entirely clear, it's just emotions. Usually, I'm all for a story that keeps the reader in the dark and makes him or her imagine most of what's going on, but this could use a tad more light.

I really got interested in the PIECE OF WORK(I'm calling it that because I just read a plot a writer studies before constructing an actual story) from the start but there is no matter in the P.O.W, no real story, no description, nothing. A reader gets interested in the story only if she gets to know the character she is reading about, that's the only way the reader can sympathize with the character, feel something for the character. Your story definitely has a lot of potential and I would love to read an actual story you create on the synopsis you provided us to read...
Hope this helps you.
rooh27

Why are you so good at writing ><
Gawd, I'm jelous.
Okay first thing is you need a comma
I'd just been thinking(,) about what would happen if we'd been torn appart.
And appart only had one p in it.
So the whole new sentence should look like.
I'd just been thinking, about what would happen if we'd been torn apart.
Apart from that, it was all good.
Carry on writing (:

Hello there.

This is a great beginning, but it was confusing. The use of he and she isn't helping much. I think you should actually put names so we can actually know what's happening. Because right now, I actually don't know what happened. It's clear that he was 'taken' away, but by what? A girl was asking her questions... Here are questions you should try to answer. Why did he leave and never came back? Who was the girl? Her name? Why was she with a friend of the guy? (You see why names are important here? ) What kind of questions did she ask the MC? Why was the MC feeling like crying? Was she home? If not, where was she? Why did he leave (like the reason he said to the MC)

So! I think you should definitely write more, with a little more details on what happened, and why did it happen.

This has a lot of potential. Keep writing!

-Other One

Hey there!

I agree with the other reviewers in that this is good, for a start, but it could be so much better. The way you describe the emotions are good, but you don't describe much else. I want to know who she is, who these people are. At the moment, they are all blank faces and it's hard to understand what's going on. I get that the MC is missing someone - a girl maybe? but that's about it.

The structure also made it hard to understand, You seem to jump all over the place and move onto the next scene before you've finished the last one. I'd suggest using paragraphs or at least indenting a little, so it's easier to read rather than it being in one huge chunk.

I need more information before I can care about the characters and I think the main problem is the lack of names, like Theotherone pointed out. We don't know who anyone is and it makes it hard for us, the reader, to relate to them. Even if you use the names once, it will help us to distinguish who is who.

I spotted some spelling mistakes too - some of which other reviewers have already pointeed out. I'm going to save time and quote the whole piece, as it's short. My corrections will be in bold.

I was returning from that walk to nowhere. We were together and I'd just been thinking about what would happen if we'd been torn apart. I'd decided it would never happen, but in the back of my mind, I knew was wrong.
When we got back, she was there. Your friend was with her. She pulled you into the other room and you got to know each other. I watched and answered her questions. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I held them in, not wanting to show emotion. She nodded at me, confirming her decision. I hoped and prayed she'd change her mind. One more day would be enough to get you for myself.
That nod did not subside. She stayed strong. I watched her jump into her car. I waved goodbye. All I wanted was to go home. I had no purpose here any more. But I couldn't, I wasn't done yet. I stayed and waited, watched for that red car to pull back up into the drive and return you to your rightful home, but it didn't.
I left, knowing I'd never see you again, and I hid my feelings from him. He asked if I was all right, but I didn't want him to know, he'd be disgusted. I went home to my room. Into the bed I went and cried. Tears didn't stop flowing, sadness didn't subside. It hurt so bad, it still does. You were ripped from my heart, before I even had a chance to say goodbye.
So now I say, I love you. Someday I'll see you again, and I can't wait for that day. Love, losing you hurts, but I'll never forget you.

I think this piece could be awesome if you expanded it, adding in names and a little more background. What was the decision? Why is the MC said they left? etc

I hope this review helps!

xDudettex