Young Writers Society

Surgery wasn't for another hour, so I entertained myself by staring at the ceiling. It was grey and lifeless, devoid of color, and uncaring about my situation. I turned my head and looked out into the hallway. People were walking past in a busy shuffle: nurses, doctors, patients, visitors. All of them looked as though they wanted to be somewhere else.
There was a woman outside, leaning with her face to the wall. She looked familiar, but I couldn't place it exactly. She was crying, sobbing into the wall as though it would absorb all of her sorrows. I turned back to the ceiling.
Annette came in a few seconds later, followed by my mother. I could tell they'd been talking about me, because they both looked like they'd been crying. I wondered briefly if anyone else wanted to come cry near my room; admission was free and it seemed to be in vogue lately.
Mom tried to put a bold face on it and asked me in a half-way level voice if I was doing alright. I said I felt okay, but I could feel the pain lurking behind the meds.
Annette told me I'd gotten lots of flowers from people at church. I nodded. I hoped someone would send me balloons, since all the flowers made me feel like I was gay or something.
Mom said Dad was going to be there soon and that he was late because he'd gotten a speeding ticket. Dad's not good with cops, so it was a wonder he hadn't been arrested.
We were waiting. Annette sat nearby, holding my hand and trying to talk about things that weren't related to my broken, bleeding, half-dead body. I lay there trying to stay on topic. I had a hard time focusing on what Annette was saying about Professor O'Carey, which was something about how he'd forgotten what he was saying in the middle of a lecture. Normally, I'd be listening raptly, but my mind was elsewhere.
All I could think of was the ring in the pocket of my blue jeans. When Annette had first visited, she'd noticed that they were rumpled, so she folded them nicely. I don't think she noticed the box, but I was paranoid about those jeans. I didn't want to ask then because I might die during the operation and whatever she said would possibly be because of pity and I wanted an honest, unbiased answer. I should've asked before the accident.
Dad came through the door. He looked stressed. He's always stressed. I wish he'd take a vacation so he can relieve some of that stress. He, too, had been crying.
Yes, come and cry near the wreck victim. Drown us all in tears; let the river sweep us away from this wretched life.
"Hey, sport." Dad said. I'm not sure why he calls me "sport", since I don't play sports, but I figure if you can't remember your son's name, "sport" works just as well. Judging from the look on dad's face, he had had a memory lapse.
"I'm OK, mister." I said.
Dad gave a brief, choked chuckle. Everyone knows his memory sucks.
We sat there for another ten minutes or so, feeling sad.
I couldn't stop thinking about Annette. Funny how I could die any moment but all I could think of was the way her hair was so delightfully messy. There was one strand hanging down and it bothered me to no end that she wasn't close enough for me to deal with it.
She noticed I was looking at her and blushed. "What?" She asked, laughing.
Will you marry me, Annette? "Oh, nothing. Just that one little strand of hair hanging there." I said.
She self-consciously swept it back and it flopped back down again. "My hair is a complete mess and all you notice is that one hair out of place?"
"The rest of it is perfect."
She smiled, "You're just being nice."
I shrugged. I could never convince her that her hair always looked beautiful.
A nurse came in, followed by some orderlies. They said it was time. I was transfered to a gurney and everyone crowded around me. Mom and Dad told me they'd see me later and Annette said, "Don't die, OK?" Which preceded more crying. She was close enough then that I could brush the strand of hair back myself. It stayed this time.
"I won't."
The ceiling was grey, then it moved and it became broken with lights. There was a thud and I was under a very bright light. I squinted. there were people above me, walking around the bed. I noticed that I was wearing an oxygen mask, then I felt something prick my arm. The surgeon asked me a question. I answered, then he asked something else and I couldn't think of an answer because everything went black.
It took awhile to realize I was awake. I couldn't feel anything yet, but after awhile I found the pain, unvoiced but still present.
I opened my eyes a slit and saw that the ceiling was once again grey and unmoving. Something was different, though. There was color. I opened my eyes wider and saw that all the colors of the rainbow were floating over my bed.
It hurt to smile, but I did anyway. Someone had finally given me balloons.

Hello!

So, I just have to say I really really enjoyed this, like really. Your MC had a very distinct voice, and it made this piece very colourful. The way he views things in sort of a detached sarcastic manner is very refreshing. The amount of detail you have included is a nice mix, it makes your characters seem real and believable without overloading us with detail. I also liked the ending, very poignant.

Yes, come and cry near the wreck victim. Drown us all in tears; let the river sweep us away from this wretched life.

This is brilliant.

I wish you I could give you something more constructive in terms of improvements, but I can't really think of anything too meaningful. So I guess I just have a couple nitpicks.

The ceiling was grey and colorless. I shivered and looked around the room. The door was open and I could see people walking back and forth, tending to patients, visiting patients, being important, etc.

This first line does not really grab me. Granted, I appreciate the repetition of this line throughout the piece, but I would choose a different opening line. You have so much drama in this piece, I would work with that. Also, the "etc." is a little jarring, I might try and rework that a bit. I also might rethink your title, it's a little bland, especially for something so good.

I said I felt OK, but I could feel the pain lurking behind the pain meds.

The second "pain" here is redundant.

I had a hard time focusing on the various spoonerisms of Professor O'Casey and what he'd assigned for required reading next semester.

Can't put my finger on why, but this sentence seems a little stilted. I had to read it a couple times. Not exactly sure how to fix it, but just thought I would mention it anyway.

Okay. So that all I have really. I wish I could give you something more constructive, but this was really well-written. Thanks for the great read!

Audrey

Hey, Charcoalwolfman, I'll review this later, 'kay? It's an excellent story!

Wow that was powerful. There were some clarity issues, like I didn't know for quite a while exactly why this person had to go into surgery.

All of them looked as though they wanted to be anyplace else.

This seemed like it needed an "anywhere" instead of and "anyplace."

She looked familiar, but I couldn't place it exactly.

This one seemed like it needed a different wording. Perhaps "but I couldn't place where I'd seen her." Plus, can we know for sure if this is just a random, possible recognition or a relationship we need to know about? It adds feeling, but it this passage may not be necessary.

Again, I loved it. I love balloons more than flowers, too!

This was WHOA! It was a really good story that it took me like three times read it because I wanted to savor every bit. Anyway, the only things I had a problem with was there was some unanswered questions in the story. Like Why did he end up in the hospital? How? Is the Annette girl is girlfriend? Things like that. But other than those it was really good. Keep writing!!!!!!!

It made me want to be in the setting! Great job and keep up the good work!

~Pixie2~

Here as promised, Charc! First off, this was a great read, good work! I did find some mistakes, though. Let me nitpick the few errors I found.

Surgery wasn't for another hour, so I entertained myself by staring at the ceiling.

Writing it like this sounds as though ‘surgery’ is similar to ‘math class’ or ‘quilting session’. When referring to surgery -whether keyhole or invasive- maybe you should say things like, “The surgery wouldn’t begin for another hour.”
Basically, refer to it as an object rather than an event.
Confusing? I may be wrong.

It was grey and lifeless, devoid of color, and uncaring about my situation. I turned my head and looked out into the hallway. People were walking past in a busy shuffle: nurses, doctors, patients, visitors. All of them looked as though they wanted to be anyplace else.

Here is one of those few places I would encourage repetition. Try replacing the second italicized phrase with the first, with some obvious modifications. It would read as follows:
“It was grey and lifeless, devoid of color, and uncaring about my situation. I turned my head and looked out into the hallway. People were walking past in a busy shuffle: nurses, doctors, patients, visitors. They were grey and lifeless, devoid of color, and uncaring about my situation.”
However, you should consider cutting the first ‘and’. I struck it out in my example.

There was a woman outside, leaning against the wall.

She was crying, sobbing into the wall as though it would absorb all of her sorrows.

In the first sentence, you write it as though the woman has her back to the wall. However, in the next, it seems as though she is facing it. I know it’s a rather irrelevant point, but the technical errors of a story are always the most pulling for me.

Mom tried to put a bold face on it and asked me in a half-way level voice if I was doing OK. I said I felt OK, but I could feel the pain lurking behind the meds.

Both OK’s stand out too much in a sentence that does not call for their attention-grabbing-ish-ness. Try ‘okay’.
In other words, if these sentences were music, there would be quieter music for a while, and the OK’s would be crashes of cymbals. Not good.

When Annette had first visited, she'd noticed that they were rumpled, so she folded them nicely.

I think you should mention that the hospital had removed his jeans. I thought at first that he was wearing these jeans, until I read this sentence. After all, it isn’t too commonly known that the hospital removes your clothes and gives you aprons.

"Hey, sport." Dad said. I'm not sure why he calls me "sport", since I don't play sports, but I figure if you can't remember your son's name, "sport" works just as well.

‘Since’ doesn’t work here. ‘Because’ does. Don’t ask me why, I just feel that way. Actually, I’m not sure why, but it does seem to flow better this way, right?

Will you marry me, Annette? "Oh, nothing. Just that one little strand of hair hanging there." I said.

I love that line! However, I feel that it should be italicized, since he’s thinking it.

I was transfered to a gurney and everyone crowded around me.

Transferred

I squinted. there were people above me, walking around the bed.

Capitalize.

It hurt to smile, but I did anyway. Someone had finally given me balloons.

Amazing ending. I assume that the MC has died and gone to heaven. However, ‘assume’ just makes an ass of u and me.

Anyways, I loved it. The title (which you changed) does not seem to go well with it. I know that the colors (balloons) are important in the end, but they are not mentioned very much in the body and beginning of the story. Maybe a third title change would be good.
Anyways, it’s an excellent story with a touching and slightly sad ending. Sad for Annette and his parents, not the MC. He’s fine.

Jenth

Excellent job! The end almost scared me though, I thought he died. Great job, I love the piece, and really there wasn't anything to critique that I could find. And if there was anything, I'm sure one of them above me got it.

Hi there!

I liked this. The detail was really good, and I loved how you weaved the emotion into it. I especially liked how you used the balloon metaphor. This story was really sweet and simple, and I liked how the reader had to use their imagination to say what happened before, and what's going to happen afterwards.

I liked the simplicity of this Very short, sweet, and to the point. Nice job.

Hey there!

I enjoyed reading this. It was sad - the fact that he'd been in an accident and might die before proposing to Annette, but the ending made me smile. It was awesome

I would have liked to have known a little more about the accident. You don't have to give us the whole story, besides, I doubt the MC would remember much, seeing as he's in hospital. But maybe you could say something about how his mum or a nurse had told him bits and pieces about the accident - e.g; That his car had been flipped twice and landed in a hedgerow. It's a rubbish example, but you get what I mean. It'll just help the reader to sympathise with the MC more as we'll know something about what he's been through.

I think all of the nit-piks I spotted have been mentioned by other reviewers apart from the punctuation in your dialogue.

"Hey, sport." Dad said.

Here, for example, it should be written as;

'"Hey, sport," Dad said.'

"What?" She asked, laughing.

'She' here should be written as 'she'

She smiled, "You're just being nice."

And the comma here should be a full stop.

There are more punctuation mistakes, but I won't bore you by pointing them all out.

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I hope this review helps

xDudettex