Young Writers Society

Just so you know Rylee is my fav name of all time! Considering that I have a novel with the character named Rylee and a girl named Ryila.

Inspired by my friend Larissa's novel.


Here it is!

I emerged from the book store and looked around hesitantly.

"Hey!" Rylee called out the brown SUV's window. I dashed for his car and got in.

"Rylee, I fell like something’s wrong." I explained as I buckled my seat belt.

"I don't see why, I'm just picking you up from the book store." He started to drive away seeing that my seat belt was fastened. He drove out of the mall's parking lot. I saw the ice shimmer on the road.

"Ry," I started to call his name, but he pushed on the gas pedal to increase sped. "AH!" I screamed for dear life. The car skidded across the ice and did several 360s. We smashed into the brick building of Terry's baked goods. "Ug," my head ached, and I stuck my hand up to touch the warm spot on my forehead. I grasped a hold of something cold and sharp and yanked it out of my skin. Blood started gushing out onto my lap and into my eyes.

Suddenly the door opened as a female EMT ripped me out of the car with sadness in her eyes. "Where's Rylee?" I asked, though I doubt she heard me. She placed me on a gurney and pushed me into the ambulance.

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"Jerry, she's waking up!" I heard the familiar sound of Mom's voice and Dad's feet rushing towards me.

"Really?" He sounded astonished. "Katie," He called my name, I blinked several times and winced at the pain in my forehead as I did so.

"Dad, Mom?"

"Yes honey?" Mom was here with me in this terrifying little hospital room. I groaned, "What's wrong, do you want some water?" Mom pushed a plastic cup at me. I rejected and showed her the palm of my hand.

Six years ago was when Mom and Dad had shipped me off to Aunt Eloise's house. They said I was a bad influence on Tie. Tie was my little sister. She wasn't much younger than me, but had started to become a rebel just like her big sis when I left. That was then though, now I'm 23 and have a boyfriend. A handsome and nice boyfriend who is much different from the guys I used to date. Those guys drank underage and skipped school, not planning to go to college.

Rylee was different. Rylee had a dream of being a scientist and marrying a girl who was smart and loyal and not to mention, defiantly not me, at least by that description.

All together, I was different now, but they still knew me as that girl they sent away, not wanting their perfect 15 year old to become like her. They knew me as the girl who ran away from her Aunt Eloise's house when she was 19 because there were too many rules and she couldn't see her snotty boyfriend whenever she skipped school. The girl who they hadn't heard from for four years and were starting to think they never would. The girl they thought might have been murdered, or off in another planet for all they knew.

But I was different now, I didn't run from things I didn't like anymore, and I didn't skip school. In fact I was in college to become an accountant. I wasn't that girl I used to be with so many holes in her pants there weren’t really any jeans left. I wasn't the girl who dated rebels that didn't take showers and had dreads hanging down by their ears, I wasn't that girl. I was sweet now, and lived with Rylee in an expensive apartment that his rich father paid for. Very different and hand different plans nobody ever expected me to have. But Mom and Dad didn't know this, they thought I was that same old girl they knew so little six years ago. In fact, it was all part of my plan to never call or speak to them again, but I felt differently with them here in this room with me after six years.

"Mom." I liked the way it sounded under my toung.

"Yes Katie," And I knew she felt the same way.

"I missed saying that word." I said in a different voice than I would've six years ago. "I'm different now Mom."

"You are," She said, coming her slim fingers through my knotted hair, "You defiantly are."

"Where's Tye Mom?" I wanted to know where my ill' sis was. I wanted to see her after those six years and apologize. Apologize for all the things I said to her to leave me alone. I wanted to see that face again, look into those honest eyes and just let it all out.

"Tye," Mom said, feeling the word under her own toung. "Beautiful Tye, you should’ve been there," She said turning to me. "Same thing, when I got that call of you ACE list, I thought I'd lost two daughters instead of one."

"What do you mean?" I looked at her, the only thing going through my mind was that she'd though I was dead since my disappearance and that she'd expected a bad call from someone who'd found Tye dead somewhere.

"Katie, do you remember Danny?" My old boyfriend's image ran through my mind, the one who was two years older than me, yet flunked so much he was a grade lower. The one with dreads hanging below his shoulders. I nodded, "When you left, Tye didn't change, she became an exact image of you. She grew her hair out and died it purple! Worst of all, she dated Danny. Katie I'm so glad we sent you away from him when we did because he killed her. He took her to an alley and shot her through the heart. The police found her drenched in her own blood." I knew she'd cried enough about it already because she showed no emotion what so ever. "When I got that call, and I heard the EMT say she was so sorry, I thought you were dead too. I had so much hope you were still alive and coming back to us."

"Oh Mama!" I cried and reached for her outstretched arms. I recovered and held her at a distance, "I need to see Rylee."

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"Are you sure?" I knew Mom knew something about Rylee's state of heath that I didn't.

"Yes." I swung the door open and saw Rylee's mom sitting on a chair inside.

"Katie!" She cried, turning towards me. I walked over to her and accepted the hug.

"Ry." I cooed at him, and I saw his eyes twitch under his eyelids. "You're going to be just fine." Mom stood in the door looking occword. I waved my hand at her, signalling her entrance. I sat beside Rylee on the bed and brushed my fingers through his short hair. "You're going to get better and go back to school, someday; you're going to be a scientist like you always dreamed.

"Katie," Rylee whispered back as he squeezed my hand. "I know I'm going to be OK, I know. For now I must ask you, Will you marry me?" Everyone in the room opened their eyes wider; especially me since I'd never imagined I'd be that smart girl Rylee had talked about marring.

"But I'm not smart; I'm not that girl you always speak of!"

"You are her Katie, you're perfect. Marry me."

"I will. Yes!" Tears of joy swept down my face. "Yes!" I cried once more. I was so joyful; I'd finally get the guy I'd been waiting for. "Yes, I will marry you, Rylee Rae Miller. I will marry you.

Hello there. I wanted to give ya a review on your story. I usually don't read romance but gave this one a shot. Here it goes.

"Ry," I started to call his name, but he pushed on the gas pedal to increase sped.<<<< Pretty sure you wanted speed here.

"Ug," my head ached, and I stuck my hand up to touch the warm spot on my forehead.<<<<It should go as follows.. "Ug." My head ached, and I stuck...

"Suddenly the door opened as a female EMT ripped me out of the car with sadness in her eyes."<<<<<Why does she have sadness in her eyes? A little more description.

"Katie," He called my name, I blinked several<<<<Should be as follows "Katie!" he called my name....or if you dont like the exclamation, leave it out.

"Yes honey?" Mom was here with me in this terrifying little hospital room. I groaned, "What's wrong, do you want some water?" Mom pushed a plastic cup at me.<<<<<I'm confused on this part because it sounds like Katie is asking her mom if she wants some water. If i'm correct, I think what you want is this. I groaned in pain. "What's wrong? Do you want some water?" mom asks while pushing a plastic cup at me.

You also go past and present tense too much, so I cant really give you a good review. I looked over half of it and it needs some revising. Once you clear up alot of the mistakes, I think people will have no problem reading it and giving you a review. All that said, I think that your storyline is a very unique and original idea. There is no such thing as a bad story, just remember that, and keep writing. Let me know when you revise and I would be happy to do another review for you. Cheers

Hi. I felt this was a bit rushed. I was a bit confused because I thought Rylee wanted to die or kill the MC at first. I found parts of it touching though, like how her sister imitated her rebel-self after she left and ended up dying. Those parts really shined out in your story, and were pretty. There were a couple of spelling errors that you can go back and fix. I may come back and give you a more detailed review in the future... and point them out. The storyline was definitely unique like the previous reviewer said and it was grappling. Keep on moving that pen!

-Crescent

I really liked this! I almost cried ;P
A few things about it though, it seemed kind of rushed, in a way, because you didn't seem to take time and explain the pain or what she was feeling. Also, you kept saying things like the EMT having a sad look in her eyes, and the mom saying "Are you sure?" when Katie wanted to see Rylee, like he was dying or something but then at the end he was practically peachy for someone who just rammed his car into a building.
And now onto the more nit-picky things

"Ry," I started to call his name, but he pushed on the gas pedal to increase speed.(Why did he increase the speed? If he was such a smart and nice guy, why did he speed up so much?) "AH!" I think the "AH!" is unnecessary. I screamed for dear life. The car skidded across the ice and did several 360s. We smashed into the brick building of Terry's baked goods. "Ug," my head ached, and I stuck my hand up to touch the warm spot on my forehead. I grasped a hold of something cold and sharp and yanked it out of my skin. Blood started gushing out onto my lap and into my eyes.

"Tye," Mom said, feeling the word under her own tongue. "Beautiful Tye, you should’ve been there," She said turning to me. "Same thing, when I got that call of you ACE list,(This seems awkward. Maybe rephrase that?) I thought I'd lost two daughters instead of one."

"Oh Mama!" I cried and reached for her outstretched arms. (You should probably say more about her crying, or do something that makes the transition from crying to not crying less abrupt) I recovered and held her at a distance, "I need to see Rylee."

"Ry." I cooed at him, and I saw his eyes twitch under his eyelids. "You're going to be just fine." Mom stood in the door looking awkward. I waved my hand at her, signaling her entrance. I sat beside Rylee on the bed and brushed my fingers through his short hair. "You're going to get better and go back to school, someday; you're going to be a scientist like you always dreamed."

Okay I think that's all
This is probably the most thorough I've done a review! XD I'm kind of proud...
So, besides all of those nit-picky things, I really liked this story overall. It was sad and cute and tragic and adorable all at the same time! (Which is quite hard to do, I think)
Thanks for entertaining me! And keep writing!

P.S. The first reviewer mentioned something about you switching from past to present tense frequently, but I don't see what they're talking about. I re-read it and it all seemed past tense to me... I just wanted to let you know so you're not reading it over and over and not seeing what they were talking about, like me ^_^"

I am with Crescent too!
at first i thought he one of those boys then i realized, "Hmmmm, No"
any way i love the hospital and sister parts..... very good
I like it a lot , good job. Keep UP

Hi!

Okay, this was pretty good. Although, no offense, I didn't see what the part about Tye had to do with the story. I mean, it adds a lot of emotion and background to the story, but it seemed kind of random. But the romance part was very good. Nice job!

Hi there! I'm here to review for you!

"Rylee, I fell like something’s wrong." I explained as I buckled my seat belt.

*feel like something is wrong.

He started to drive away seeing that my seat belt was fastened. He drove out of the mall's parking lot. I saw the ice shimmer on the road.

Your narration is quite boring and too simple. "I did this, I saw this and I made that." You have it very simplistic and it's boring to read. Spice up your descriptions and your narration by making your wording jump out a little. Add some more depth to it.

"Ry," I started to call his name, but he pushed on the gas pedal to increase sped. "AH!" I screamed for dear life. The car skidded across the ice and did several 360s. We smashed into the brick building of Terry's baked goods. "Ug," my head ached, and I stuck my hand up to touch the warm spot on my forehead. I grasped a hold of something cold and sharp and yanked it out of my skin. Blood started gushing out onto my lap and into my eyes.

This accident scene was too bland! I didn't even know when it started and when it end. Slow down and use some more descriptions. It seems that's the bit you're struggling with the most. ^___^

defiantly not me, at least by that description.

lol, I think you meant "Definitely"

You were mixing your tenses in the story a little bit so you might want to go back and check that out.
You also had some misspelled words and some words that were spelled right but meant totally different things! So you might want to go back and double check your work before posting it in the future so you can avoid those silly mistakes.

Overall, the story was sweet but it lacked realism and description. The feeling was only half-way there so I think you should try to bring out those emotions a little bit more.

Kay, that's all. Let me know if you have any questions and I'll be more than happy to answer them for you.
I'm just a quick PM away.

Alright, happy writing,
-Pink

Rylee had a dream of being a scientist and marrying a girl who was smart and loyal and not to mention, defiantly I think you meant definitely not me, at least by that description

Very different and hand had? different plans nobody ever expected me to have.

I liked the way it sounded under my toung tongue.

I knew Mom knew something about Rylee's state of heath health that I didn't.

For now I must ask you, Will 'will' shouldn't be capitalized you marry me?

It was cute! Good job ^__^