Young Writers Society

OHAII THERE! Im Twix, this is my first short story, I wasn't so sure what the age boundaries were all about, so I thought id play it safe and put it as 18+

What was that loud thudding...That humongous annoying thudding? I soon realized the repetitious thudding was in fact the gang calling on me. Running top speed down the stairs I tied my dressing gown the best I could. Wrenching the door open I saw kayleigh fall back a few steps. She stood up with an anxious glance at me and the gang who had massive smirks on their faces'

"jeez, who woke you up at the wrong side of the best this morning?" She muttered in her harsh Spanish accent.

"when in actual fact, she ment to say; who got you up on the wrong side of the bed, well, this afternoon really. Haha" Chris, the gay scholarship of our group corrected her absent-mindely, I decided to intervene before the bickering started.

"Actually, you guys just woke me up, at, 3 pm, in the summer holiday, so you'd better have a good excuse for this monstrosity"

"OOOOOH we do! We need to borrow your basement" Said this random emo guy that Greg hangs around with.
With a wink, Greg opened his bag and pulled out a large freezer bag, full to the brim with weed, whilst everyone else pulled out bottles of vodka and cider out of their bags. My shitty mood evaporated instantly, in its replace, a very happy- ready for fun mood washed over me.

"Well. my parents left me home alone whilst they went on a two week cruise. SO LETS GO GET FUCKING WRECKED!"

Cheers erupted all around me whilst I went and threw on some shorts and a vest top. Looking out of the window for the first time, I saw a clear blue sky and birds chirping, then I noticed it was starting to get real warm. "SUMMER!!!" I shouted.

*** 4 HOURS LATER***

"I FEEL AMAZING" The emo kid, who I now knew was called lewis, said with a smile.
"me too. We should do this more." I said leaning onto his surprisingly cool side,
"dont you get hot with all that black leather, and. emo shit on?" I murmurer into his side.
"haha not really, I guess im fine where I am" He says wrapping his leather clad arm around me, at this point, I know I should have moved. my boyfriend wouldn't like it, but its not as if I was into lewis- the faggy emo guys aren't exsactly my type. but, I was too fucked to move, and, like he said, I was fine where I was.
"hey.." He bent down and whisperd in my ear, I tilted my head back to reply, and he kissed me. I would have moved away. I could have easily moved away, but, it was so soft, so tender, I just couldn't brake it... Boy friend or no boy friend.

part two on the way

Hello there.

I'll quote the whole thing so I can comment and show grammatical mistakes at the same time. So red for corrections and bold for comments. If there's a sentence in blue, it means there's a comment coming up about this at the end of the paragraph.

giveherhellkitty wrote:OHAII THERE! Im Twix, this is my first short story, I wasn't so sure what the age boundaries were all about, so I thought id play it safe and put it as 18+

What was that loud thudding...That humongous comma, annoying thudding? I soon realized the repetitious thudding it was in fact the gang calling on me. Running top speed down the stairs comma, I tied my dressing gown the best I could. Wrenching the door open comma, I saw Kayleigh fall back a few steps. She stood up with an anxious glance at me and the gang who had massive smirks on their faces'
Too much repetition.

"Jeez, who woke you up at the wrong side of the bed this morning?" She muttered in her harsh Spanish accent.

"When in actual fact, she meant to say: who got you up on the wrong side of the bed Period. Well, this afternoon really. Haha" Chris, the gay scholarship of our group comma, corrected her absently Period. I decided to intervene before the bickering started.

"Actually, you guys just woke me up, at, 3 pm, in the summer holiday I must say. So you'd better have a good excuse for this monstrosity" I added something, hope you don't mind.

"OOOOOH we do! We need to borrow your basement comma," said this random emo guy that Greg hung around with. The rest of your story is in past, keep the other verbs in past tense also.
With a wink, Greg opened his bag and pulled out a large freezer bag, full to the brim with weed, whilst everyone else pulled out bottles of vodka and cider out of their bags. My shitty mood evaporated instantly, in its replace, a very happy- ready for fun mood washed over me.

"Well comma, my parents left me home alone whilst they went on a two week cruise. SO LETS GO GET FUCKING WRECKED!" I don't really like the use of capital letters in a story. It looks to aggressive, and you can very well say that she screams, without showing us directly with the capitals. For example, you could say: I screamed the last few words, sensing the energy pumping in my veins.

Cheers erupted all around me whilst I went and threw on some shorts and a vest top. Looking out of the window for the first time, I saw a clear blue sky and birds chirping, then I noticed it was starting to get real warm. "SUMMER!" I shouted. Again with the capitals. You clearly tell us she screamed, so why show us too? For some things, it better to do so, but when someone's talking and yelling, it's better to just tell. Also, one exclamation point is more then enough. No need to put three.

*** 4 HOURS LATER***

"I FEEL AMAZING comma," the emo kid, who I now knew was called Lewis, said with a smile. do I really have to explain again?
*space*
"Me too. We should do this more often," I said comma, leaning onto his surprisingly cool side Period.
*Space*
"Don't you get hot with all that black leather, and. emo shit on?" I murmured into his side.
*Space*
"haha Not really, I guess I'm fine where I am comma," he laughed comma, wrapping his leather clad arm around me Period. At this point, I knew I should have moved. My boyfriend wouldn't like it, but it was not as if I was into Lewis- the faggy emo guys weren't exactly my type. But, I was too fucked to move, and, like he said, I was fine where I was.
*Space*
"Hey..." He bent down and whispered in my ear, I tilted my head back to reply, and he kissed me. I would have moved away. I could have easily moved away, but, it was so soft, so tender, I just couldn't brake it... Boyfriend or no boyfriend.

part two on the way

I'm not sure if these were all typos, but you should definitely proofread your story before posting it on YWS. This was bad, grammatically talking. When someone reads something that has a lot of mistake, normally, they will focus so much on them that they will not read carefully the story itself. So basically, it takes away from your piece. I have to admit that I didn't concentrate as much as I would've. So, read it out loud to yourself a little while after you've written it. This will probably catch the run-on sentences and a few typos you've made. Because when you read something you've written, a lot of times, your brain will play tricks on your eyes and they will see the words how you intended to be, not the way it actually is written. So, when you read out loud, you actually pronounce the words and read them, and that's when you will see your mistakes. Also, you can always ask for a friend or a family member to read you over. They will also catch those mistakes quiet easily.

Now, for the plot. I have to say that this didn't go very far. I see you have another part you're writing. Good, because teenagers getting drunk and high is not that good a plot. You need a catch, something that will make your story worth reading, and I believe you will have that in your second part.

Keep writing! And you can PM/ write on my wall when the second part is posted. (hope i haven't been too harsh, it wasn't my intention. )

-Other One

Yes, I have a good plot coming, kind of like a gossip girl sabotage xD haha, this bit was just a lead on.
Also, Im dyslexic, so I struggle with a lot of grammar :L i love writing but its also one of my bad points.
Nope, you weren't too harsh it needed to be done right? x

More?



-jac

Good morning/afternoon/evening!

Hmm... weird... I was sort of expecting a deep, romantic plot type thing when I read the title... and, I have to admit, I'm a tad dissapointed... I was looking forward to a good, stupid, romantic short story (no offense intended there, I write stupid romantic short stories all the time XD)

But like I was saying...

After reading your peice, I'm sort of confused... I lost track of which person was which... If I had gone back and re-read certain parts, I'm sure things would be clarified for me, however, with that being said, I shouldn't have to re-read anything, you know?

Your grammar did need cleaning up, but I see theotherone already cleaned it up for you...

If was rating this, I would give it 16+, not 18+, but it's always good to guess high...

Hope this helped!

--
Tabby