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All that glitters is not gold



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Sat Apr 16, 2011 11:39 am
Temi says...



Some people say love is the most important thing in a marriage. Others say wealth is important. Yet others also say both are important. I am man who understands love just like a father understands his son. But not in my wildest dreams can I fathom the essence of wealth. I love my wife passionately but sometimes, I feel deep in the bowels of my heart, I should prove my love to her through wealth. Unfortunately, the universe doesn’t smile radiantly on my sombre face, when it comes to riches.

Every so often, I cried myself to sleep hoping one day I shall have riches and praying everyday that my wife didn’t leave me. I knew she loved me, but what is the essence of love if you can keep it burning just like a candle keeps burning? I knew she didn’t complain but I saw it in her eyes, her bottomless eyes. I saw the sadness she carried; knowing with every passing day was a life in misery, pain and poverty. I just hoped the worst didn’t happen.
......
The worst happened. It was another day in my worthless life when my wife came in after a visit to her friends. She was crying, clutching firmly, something in her slender hands. I ran to her holding her steadily, looking down at what she had in her hands. To my horror, they were divorce papers!

A shiver went down my spine as it struck me that she wanted ‘‘out’’. It was over. I sank to my knees crying, pleading, but she wouldn’t listen. My heart had been shattered. I didn’t know who to blame- me, her or her friends? My heart was swirling with myriads of confusion. It was too much to take in. But it was true- she divorced me.

A year went by since my divorce with my ex-wife. Since the divorce, strangely, the tables were turned to my once worthless life. I had a job and it payed decently! Fortunately, I could afford food on the table and I bought my own clothes. One more vital thing also happened. I met a woman who loved me for who I was then and still loves me for who I am today. Oh, she was so wise. She comforted me when I was in despair. She picked me up when I fell. She was my helpmate. She is what I would call, ‘‘A wife without a price’’.

The last I heard of my ex-wife was that she was married to a very wealthy business man. I couldn’t help but feel that the universe was in the right order of things. She got what she wanted. A wealthy husband and I got what I wanted; a worthy wife with a job and a good remuneration.

I was driving one morning, when I came across a sight that stopped me on my tracks. Right next to my place of work, was my ex-wife. She had changed. Changed for the worse. She was barely recognisable. Her cheeks were swollen; her eyelids were thumping just like a man thumps on the ground in anger; her eyes were blood shot from weeping; her arms were filled with scratches pulsating from her fingers to her elbow. Her image was simply revolting. But one thing was the same, her deep bottomless eyes.

She saw me and she broke down in tears. I told her to enter my car and then it began. She told me of how blinded she was by the wealth of the man she later married. She told me how she married the man and hoped for money; instead, she entered into the abode of wickedness. Every little mistake she committed costed her rain of physical suffering from the man.

The last thing she told me was one thing I would never forget. She asked me if she could come back in my life! I gazed into her eyes and I started having flashbacks of my life with her then. Then I remembered what my father use to tell me ‘‘all that glitters is not gold’’. I uttered those words. She heard. She cried. As she wept, I heard the thundering rain crashing down. Then, silence.
Last edited by Temi on Sat Apr 16, 2011 5:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sat Apr 16, 2011 12:59 pm
IcyFlame says...



I just caught this as I came onto the front page so here I am reviewing :) Just a note to begin with that I really love the title, it creates a beautiful image yet poses questions. Good choice!
On to the nitpicks!
Temi wrote:Yet others also say both are important
you have used 'others' in the last sentence. To break the repetition pattern try using a different idea such as 'some'.
Temi wrote:radiantly on my sombre face, when it comes to riches.
I don't think you need the comma here.
Temi wrote:I cryed myself to sleep hoping one day I shouldhave riches and praying everyday that my wife didn’t leave me.
I've changed this to past tense as I think it fits better with your story that way.
Temi wrote:scrawny hands.
I think if he loves her as much as he claims to he would find some small delight in her hands and describe them more positively.
Temi wrote:A wealthy husband and I got what I wanted semicolona worthy wife with a job and





That's it reall for the nitpicks, you have a good storyline here but it is often distorted byyou too quick descriptions and mixed up tenses. I suggest you read it through and make sure everything is in the past tense as you are telling us what happened to you, not what is currently happening!
  





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Sat Apr 16, 2011 2:13 pm
Azila says...



Hi! Thanks for the request. I've only got a few minutes, but I'll try and be as helpful as possible. First off, I'm just going to point out the few nit-picky things that IcyFlame didn't get to.

I know she loved me but what is the essence of love if you can keep it burning just like a candle keeps burning.
There should be a question mark at the end of this, and possibly a comma after "loved me."

She was crying, clutching firmly something in her scrawny hands.
This sounds a little awkward to me. I'd change it to either "...clutching something firmly in her scrawny hands" or "...firmly clutching something in her scrawny hands." But it's just a matter of opinion, really. It's up to you.

A year had gone by since my divorce with my ex-wife. Since the divorce, strangely, the tables were turned to my once worthless life. Now I have a job and it pays decently!
You're jumping all around with your tenses here! O.o It's rather confusing--is the story in present tense or past tense? I'll talk more about this a bit later on.

Her cheeks were swollen; her eyelids were thumping just like a man thumps on the ground in anger; her eyes were blood shot from weeping; her arms were filled with scratches pulsating from her fingers to her elbow.
I'm not sure I understand this imagery. How can eyelids thump? >.<

-----------------------------------------

All in all, I liked this. The plot itself isn't particularly spectacular--it's sort of like a fable, actually. A little story with a moral. But the way you have written makes it very fresh. I like the way that you've told it because rather than try to make the plot into something more than it is, you've written it in such a way as to capitalize on its simplicity and make the most out of it. You have just enough emotion and detail to tell the story effectively, but not so much as to distract from your message. It is a simple piece, but elegantly done.

My biggest issue with it is the tenses, like I mentioned above. I'm a little unsure how you're telling the story--is it present tense ("I am doing this") or past tense ("I did this")? I think how you're doing it is sort of having it be the narrator talking in present tense about something that happened in the past, am I right? That's okay, but it just makes things a bit confusing. Take this for example:
I know she didn’t complain but I saw it in her eyes, her bottomless eyes. I saw the sadness she carried; knowing with every passing day was a life in misery, pain and poverty. I just hope the worst doesn’t happen.
I've put all the past tense bits in blue and all the present tense bits in red--see how much you're hopping around? I think it's technically you're not doing anything wrong, but it gets a little confusing. Especially when you switch scenes:
I just hope the worst doesn’t happen.

......

Guess what? The worst happened.
It's almost like these are journal entries or something. Is this supposed to sound like it's being told to us by the main character at one set time? Or is it supposed to sound like entries in his diary, written that night about things that happened that day? You need to decide on one vantage point and stick to it. I'm not sure if I'm making sense with this, so please feel free to PM me or post on my wall if you want me to go over it more with you.

Other than that, though, I think you've done a very nice job. It was fun to read--you have a refreshing style. I have to go now, but let me know if you have any questions or anything!

I hop this helps.


a
  








Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise.
— 12th Doctor