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The Space Between.



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Sat Sep 20, 2008 8:01 am
PenguinAttack says...



Her hands fluttered over the keys, never pressing firmly enough for sound, but each key touched precisely as it should. She never looked up, though no sheet music sat before her, and the breeze from an unknown window played her hair in fits of excitement. Small strokes along the sleek black keys kept her attention, the corner of her lip curling beneath her teeth as she nibbled without thought.

Silence in the room rattled his mind, even as her supple movements calmed him. He loved watching her, the simple pleasure from the pursuit of sound. Sometimes the silence was beautiful because he could imagine the clear tones of songs she played. Most days, though, he was consumed by the silence, and her refusal to play. In his head the music was glorious, filling all the space until he couldn’t think for all the sound. He wanted her to play and play and play.

Today, watching her hands press too lightly to be a real touch enraged him. The ephemeral nature of her playing stormed his vision. Though there were hidden thoughts that played their tunes against his skull, waiting to be drowned, there was no peace and the breeze was stale air.

He stood, taking three strides to the stage, and placed his hands slapping down on the raised platform. She flinched on her leather seat, but did not look up. Raising himself, he placed one foot and then his knee, on the platform, watching her shrink back from him. Her hands still played along the keys, her lip crushed between her teeth. He waited by her side, begging her with his eyes to just play one note, let it hold in the air so he could breathe it in. Still, she didn’t look up.

There were fingerprints on the polished piano. His fingerprints. They greased along the shiny black, smearing his reflection and making her shudder with fingers poised. His eyes glinted in the fading darkness, morning light made her cheeks heat, and her fingers slip in tempo. The tapping of his fingers on the music stand halted her own, and she faltered. Almost, almost pushing that little bit hard enough to make the sounds ring. His hand captured hers, clutching it in his own, he kissed the tips of her smooth fingers.

Slowly, he led her fingers down and pressed them to the keys in front of her while she shuddered without control. The sounds rang out, notes mingling with each other in a mesh of ugliness.

He sank, knees knocking the piano leg, arms wrapping around himself to hold in the shaking sobs. And while she played, he wept.
Last edited by PenguinAttack on Sat Sep 20, 2008 10:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Sat Sep 20, 2008 3:06 pm
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Fye says...



Dear Pingu, I loved this greatly so much so that as I read, everything went silent around me and it was just me and the words. =) But anyway...

PenguinAttack wrote:...and the breeze played her hair in fits of excitement.

I'm curious as to where the breeze is coming from. From the setting you portrayed it looked like an empty concert hall of some sort, or any indoor room with a stage. So where did the breeze come from? A window? Imagined?

*scans through everything again* Wow, I can't find anything else that's wrong. It was rather short, though.

Overall, I liked the way you wrote this. The emotions didn't sink in until the end. I think this is because the piece you wrote here might be interpreted in different ways. At the end I was left to ponder for a while what it all meant. In my case, I somehow take her to be an imagination in his mind. And thinking more of what might have happened that led to this I have the perception that she died and he can't help but fondle over the strongest but most painful memory of her. Ah, I might be thinking too much, but I'm just pointing out how I took it. ;)

One thing I must note is your word usage. It gave a lot of colour, and I liked it. E.g. "played her hair in fits of excitement", "her lip crushed beneath her teeth", "notes mingling with each other in a mesh of ugliness"

What else is there to say? This is beautiful and it really hit me. Thanks for writing it. ^^ Keep up all that you are good for!

Fye

Edit: *adds a star*
  





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Sat Sep 20, 2008 11:10 pm
PenguinAttack says...



^^ Thanks, Fye!

I fixed up that one line, so now we know where that breeze is coming from... sort of. xD And I'm so very glad you liked it.

Be well.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
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Mon Sep 22, 2008 1:28 am
Broken^Minded^Warrior says...



Pretty sweet, the way that this is crafted. Aside from what Fye said, one thing caught my eye. In "Most days, though, he was consumed by the silence, and her refusal to play. In his head the music was glorious, filling all the space until he couldn’t think for all the sound. He wanted her to play and play and play so that he wouldn’t have to think any more.", you might want to make this sound a little less redundant, although that may just be because I am very sensitive to redundancy.

Also, it was pretty cool how you kinda played with the rules, making the one who bursts out sobbing touch the person who made him burst out sobbing, so in a sense, she didn't really touch him. Lol, I'm rambling now, but still, you did an excellent job!
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Sun Sep 28, 2008 2:51 am
Kylan says...



Penguin -

Impressive. This was very rich, very full of atmosphere and passion and love. I enjoyed how much attention you paid to word choice and detail. Also. The end is genius.

[my thesaurus has the stomach flu, too]

Okay. I've read a few things by you in the past: Incisive Coalition, Drowning, and another poem that you wrote recently with a title that doesn't come to mind at the moment. All of these pieces were good, exceptionally good, but they all suffered from a little verbosity. Your stories and poems are like triple chocolate cake with extra icing; decadent and moist and smooth and I'll stop there because now I'm salivating all over the keyboard. The point is that some of the time your writing has too many calories. The words are all holier-than-thou. It seems like the thesaurus got sick all over your screen, yes? Okay, maybe not that extreme, but you get my drift.

Just be a little more down to earth. Tone down the verbage.

Other than that, I don't have much else to point out. This has the potential to win Flemzo's contest, I'm sure.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

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Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:30 am
olivia1987uk says...



Lol, don't you dare tone down the "verbage"!

Each to their own, I understand that but personally, every now and again I like to read a piece of writing with words in it that contain more than three syllables! Lol! I love learning new words and incorporating them into my work and I'm sure you do to, hence the previous comment!

Loved the piece by the way! Hahahahahaha
Olivia
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Tue Jan 27, 2009 1:43 am
Mercury616 says...



This gives the reader the idea that the pianist is, well, the complete opposite of deaf. That sounds, most specifically music (by her own hand) would be too powerful and overwhelming. It seems like her audience is brought to excruciating frustration over this. I can certainly understand why and how.
This brings to mind the infamous silent composition of John Cage

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Cage

though it's said to be four plus minutes of silence, what it does is focus the audiences attention on environmental sounds, which we too often block out, or simply get accustomed to, especially in the modern age where everything is noisier and so much is vying for our attention.

This piece embodies that spirit beautifully.

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Tue Apr 05, 2011 4:29 pm
Jubberr says...



Like the guy said above, the imagery is gorgeous, however some might say less is more... If you know what I'm saying. It's really great though, would love to read more like it. :D
  





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Tue Apr 12, 2011 1:17 am
Qoh16 says...



This is beautiful. I loved the imagery. This was very interesting. Everyone has said what I wanted to so, I'm not going to repeat. Other than that, great job!!! Keep Writing!! :)
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~
  








That's how we should measure our lives. Not in distance traveled, or time passed, or worlds conquered, but in moments... and the rush of joy—of grace—that exists within them.
— Megatron (Lost Light, by Roberts, Lawrence, Lafuente)