Young Writers Society

This is a very short story inspired by a song called Remembering Sunday by All Time Low. I was thinking about putting more, but I'm lost of ideas on what I could add that would add more information on the story. I'm open to suggestions on how to make it better.

Derek had just remembered and ran across the streets, trying to look for me. I watched carefully from my fortress, examining his every move. He knocked, pleaded every neighbor, having forgotten where I had lived.

I had waited for him last night, telling myself he had heard me when I had asked for him to come by the next day. He would remember, was all that passed through my head. He hadn’t though. He had been too drunk to remember me. Too drunk to even recall the promise he had made.

I had forced myself to forget his features. His loving eyes traveling over me, sweet lips murmuring to me. Lips that I should have touched before dying.

I cried, it rained. The water was dripping down his hair, clinging to his eye lashes. He didn’t seem to notice or care that he was soaked. He was whispering my name, eyes drifting around the houses, scanning the memories he had of the nights we had spent together. The night I had told him my meticulously planned suicide. The nights we had drank and cried ourselves to sleep. All these blurred memories of days that weren’t enough for me. He didn’t show up, and I carried on, my heart aching too much to wait one more day for him.

I watched again as he finally came across my home, or what used to be. Knocking ferociously, he knew he had finally arrived. Ethan, the guy living in the basement flat, opened the door.

“Where’s Alyssa?” he asked, voice carrying all the way up to where I was up in the sky, caressing my skin.

“She’s not here anymore...” Ethan didn’t finish his sentence, but I knew Derek had figured it out. He pushed a hand onto his face, rubbing his forehead fiercely like he always did when he was thinking. He didn’t look up and turned around, not saying another word to Ethan. He walked aimlessly through the streets and I followed him, pushing the fog and clouds that were obscuring my view of him.

He stopped eventually, brushing away tears that were concealed by the rain. I stretched out a hand, almost touching him. I cursed myself. I cursed him. Why hadn’t he been able to stay sober at least for one night? Just one night to remember me, to stop me.

He took out a ring, sparkling in the practically nonexistent light. We were both falling down, unable to catch ourselves. He was on his knees, sobbing even harder, forgetting his dignity. I was beside him, pushing through air, trying desperately to touch him, comfort him. My heart was beating hard, my throat closing up. I honestly thought I would be happier up here, in the havens. I also had waited for him to change that, make me see the beauty in living. It had taken him too long.

Hey Otherone!

I wondered if this was based on the song when I saw the title. I'm so glad it is as I absolutely love the song - I've used it when writing scenes in the past and All time low are one of my favourite bands.

I really like your interpretation of the song. I've often wondered what the song is about and I've guessed along the same lines as what you've written here

This was really sad and I couldn't help thinking of the lyrics as I read this so it seemed even more sad. I really wish the guy had stayed sober and stopped the girl from killing herself, especially after reading the end part!

I did notice a few mistakes -

He had just remembered, running across the street to look for me.

This confused me a little. Has he just remembered running across the street looking for her? Or did he remember something as he ran across the street?

I had waited to for him last night

You don't need 'to'

The nights we had drink and cried

'drink' should be 'drank'

he knew he finally had arrived.

I think - 'he knew he had finally arrived.' - flows better.

Ethan, the guy living in the basement,

'the guy living in the basement' sounds a little funny. Maybe try something like -

'Ethan, the guy living in the basement flat,'

Ethan didn’t finish his sentence, but I knew he had figured it out.

I think now's about time you gave the guy she's watching over a name. It's a bit confusing here with her just referring to him as 'he' Also, I think it'll help add to the story if he has a name.

My heart was beating hard, my throat closed up.

I think this would be better as two sentences -

'My heart was beating hard. My throat closed up.'


Okay, so I really did love this. I think it's my favourite thing that I've read of yours. Not only because I love the song, but the story you've created from it. Your descriptions are great too, especially in the last paragraph

I don't think you really need to add anything to this, apart from giving the guy a name, even if you only use it a couple of times.

Thanks for the read!

I hope this review helped

xDudettex

Hey theotherone! I just wanted to start out by saying that I enjoyed reading this. The grammar was good, for the most part, although I agree with the comments that xDudettex gave in the post above. And along the same lines, I thought that this story had a nice flow. I just have a few nit-picky things to comment about.

I watched carefully from my fortress, examining his every move. He knocked, pleaded every neighbor, having forgotten where I was living.

Shouldn't "where I was living" be in the past, or is she not dead yet? Although, "fortress" does make it sound as if she's dead at this point.

“Where’s Alyssa?” he asked, voice carrying all the way up to where I was, caressing my skin.

This was just a tiny bit confusing to me, but perhaps I didn't read it right. It sounded as if she's on an upper level of the house when I first read this, and that confused me because I thought she was dead. But then I realised that she might just be caressing her skin up in heaven. Maybe it would be helpful for slower readers like me if you made her location more clear

Those are the only nit-picks I have, but one other thing I'd like to mention is that you start a lot of your sentences/paragraphs with the word "I". If you could change that up a bit once in a while, it might make your piece even more interesting. Although if that was a stylistic choice you made, feel free to leave it, of course.

I hope this has been helpful! Please PM me if you have any questions!
All the best,

GreenFinch

.

.

I am trying to spam your whole comments place xD
Sorry my computer lagged and I didn't know I posted it 4 times and now I don't know
how to delete it :'(
<3

WOW!!
Thtas all I can say!!
It really moved me :'(
NICE WORK <3
I have no problems with it(grammar) and etc,
It has just beautiful <3

That was really cool, and I liked how you based it off of a song. The description in this piece was absolutely amazing! I personally didn't find any spelling or grammar mistakes, (then again, I didn't really look for any! xD) and this turned out really good! Keep writing!

One, Remembering Sunday is one of the best songs in the world. As wells as All time Low My idols!
I really liked your story. I see what you mean when you say the song inspired it. It does resemble the song quite a bit. I really liked the twisted plot and the way the narrator spoke. How you didn't know she was dead at first but eventually you understand. The words and the way you used them were great. For a little short story, this was actually pretty good(:

Love, AnneMarie

I really enjoyed this piece. It was sad and touching at the same time. It really focuses on the importance of expressing your love to others. It also highlights the dangers of a drunken life style. My favorite part was when he was holding the engagement ring, crying in the rain. Wonderful.

Hey One!

I really loved this piece; it actually came across as well-thought-out, unlike some stories I do happen to come across now and then. (Don't ask.) I did have a few stylistic nitpicks, and the story seemed a bit rushed at times, but overall it was fun to read. Keep up the good work!

Noir.

I love that you did this! Remembering Sunday is one of my favorite songs

I thought it was really interesting. I never really thought of the girl committing suicide, I just always thought of her just flying away on a plane. And I also enjoyed it being in her point of view, instead of it being from his like in the song where we get this feeling she's just playing him.

This is the only nitpick I have:

He knocked, pleaded every neighbor, having forgotten where I had lived.

I didn't like this bit. I had more the feeling that he would be waking the neighbors up by shouting her name, or banging on her door... I just think it's unlikely he would forget where she lived, if he loved her as much as you make it out that he does, with the ring and everything.

That's surprisingly it! I dearly love you for bringing this song to life

~BTM

This actually gave an in-depth story to what I think the song is all about! Totally awesome! I wish I could forget it, so I could read it again. I love the song, and now I love the story too. The ones above me caught everything that needed to be changed, so great job! Loved it<3