Young Writers Society

My mother had a collection of porcelain dolls. Dad had gotten them from a trip to China and Mom arranged them on top of the drawers. I was curious about them but recognized them as a toy for girls, and I would go back to my trucks and robots. But there was something about the dolls that called to me. Perhaps it was because Mom would never let me near them, lest I break them. They’re fragile, she said, fragile.

***
She was a china doll come to life. Her skin was so white that I could see the blue veins tracing rivers on her arms. Her cheeks were flushed and she was standing at the top of the steps leading to the library. She was breathing heavily and I stopped because she looked like she needed help. I saw her tilt forward and I grabbed her wrist.
That was how we met. She was falling, and I was the lucky bystander who caught her.
It didn’t strike me then, but I remember now, how thin her wrists were. It was as if I had grabbed a child. When I tried to lift her up I could feel her ribs sticking out and when I lifted her, it was as if I carried a feather.

It was a recurrence with her, the fainting. I used to joke about it at first, telling her how she ‘fell for me at first sight’ and then, I got worried. She was so frail. When it got too cold she would shiver uncontrollably, and I would hold her as tightly as I dared. I was afraid that if I pulled her too close I would crush her. When it was too warm, she would faint. When the weather was fair, it would either be too cold or too warm, and I didn’t know what to do.
It wasn’t just that. It was as if she was scared of everything. One afternoon I snuck up on her as she was on her way to school and grabbed her waist from behind. I only intended to surprise her but she was so frightened and she wouldn’t stop crying even when I was holding her. She got startled by sudden movements, sudden loud noises. When we walked she would always hold my hand. I didn’t mind. It felt… good, somehow, knowing that she felt safe with me.
But I didn’t want her to be afraid. I didn’t want her to be so weak. When she was far from me, I was scared for her. She was a china doll on the top shelf and I had to constantly check on her, and make sure she wasn’t scattered in pieces all over the floor.
I was beginning to feel frail as well. I was getting tired of hauling her up in my arms and praying to god that she’d be alright. I felt my heart stop every time she would fall down. I was getting weak as well. One night, I grabbed her by her shoulders and shouted at her. What’s wrong? Just tell me what’s wrong. I can fix it!
I wish I’d paid attention. I wish I saw how her eyes had brimmed with tears at my desperation. I just wanted her to be alright. I wish I realized how much she needed me. I should have seen that when I saw her pale skin, and her thin wrists, and her ribs and her sunken cheeks.
If I could turn back time, I would have turned back and gathered her up in my arms again. Instead, I chose to prove my strength by showing that I could leave her. I barricaded my heart against the onslaught of her tears. She’s too breakable. Sometimes I’m afraid even to simply touch her lest she falls from her perch on the shelf and shatters to pieces.

I found out a few months later… how sick she was. She was holding on because of me. She was falling and I caught her. I was the one that kept her stable on her shelf, making sure that she wouldn’t fall and fall apart. And in the end, I just broke her, like a china doll. I let her fall and I let her break.

***
I remember, one day, I couldn’t help my curiosity and I climbed onto a chair to reach the dolls. I held one in my hands so carefully, knowing how breakable they were. They were so small; I wanted to take them and put them on my truck and make them fly across the garden. My mom startled me when she slammed the door. I lost my balance for a moment then regained it, but the doll had fallen.
Mom found me on the floor, shattered pieces all around, and I was crying. I didn’t mean to break it, mommy. It was just so pretty and I wanted to play and I really didn’t mean to break it, mommy

***
I didn’t mean to break you, my dear. You were just so fragile and I didn’t know how to handle you with care.

Hi!

I just want to say that this was a very good piece. I like the comparison between the person and the dolls. Although I was a little confused about the plot. Was there much of one? It seems like he basically falls in love, and she's sick, so he's scared of her. It just doesn't seem like it was very developed to me.

Anyways, I really liked it. Nice job!

Hi!
this was a creative peice and I really enjoyed reading it!
I cannot believe that I am the second person to comment on this amazing story.
I love the way you write and your imagery is spectacular!
As much as I adored the plot, I am curious of what was your inspiration for this short story, so you must tell me!
You did a great job and I hope to see more peices like this from you soon!
Thank you for posting it!

Hello,
During this review I may become a little nit-picky about grammar, but don't take it personally, I just want you to have the best review Now on to it:

My mother had a collection of porcelain dolls.

This is your opening sentence; it is suppose to bring your readers in and grab their attention, but frankly this just doesn't do it. I would like to maybe see a description of one of the doll, the looks of it and such. Then say my mother had a collection of these dolls.

Dad had gotten them from a trip to China and Mom arranged them on top of the drawers.

There should be a comma after China because you are combining two complete sentences with a conjunction. A conjuntion is a word followed by a common used to put sentences together with similar ideas (for, and, nor, but, or, yet,so)

But there was something about the dolls that called to me.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction; it signals that the following sentence is a fragment. In extreme cases you can add a comma after the conjunction, but in this case I think you can exchange but with Even though and add a comma after that.

They’re fragile, she said, "fragile.

They're fragile should also be italized.

She was a china doll come to life. Her skin was so white that I could see the blue veins tracing rivers on her arms. Her cheeks were flushed and she was standing at the top of the steps leading to the library. She was breathing heavily and I stopped because she looked like she needed help. I saw her tilt forward and I grabbed her wrist.

I love the description here. Bravo!

Her cheeks were flushed and she was standing at the top of the steps leading to the library.

There should be a comma after flushed because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

She was breathing heavily and I stopped because she looked like she needed help.

There should be a comma after heavily because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

I saw her tilt forward and I grabbed her wrist

There should be a comma after forward because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

When I tried to lift her up I could feel her ribs sticking out and when I lifted her, it was as if I carried a feather.

There should be a comma after out because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

I only intended to surprise her but she was so frightened and she wouldn’t stop crying even when I was holding her.

This is a run-on sentence because you are combining three complete sentences. The way to correct this is to add a comma after surprise her, and then replace the and after frightened with a semi-colon (;)

It felt… good, somehow, knowing that she felt safe with me.

As a personal opinion, I do not like the ... here. It seems misplaced, and I think it would read better without them.

But I didn’t want her to be afraid.

Do not ever start a sentence with a conjunction. In this case you can just get rid of it.

She was a china doll on the top shelf and I had to constantly check on her, and make sure she wasn’t scattered in pieces all over the floor.

There should be a comma after shelf because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and. Also, the and after check on her should not be there.

I was getting tired of hauling her up in my arms and praying to god that she’d be alright.

God is a name (pronoun) so it should be capitalized.

I was getting weak as well.

This is a redundant comment, and it is not adding anything to your story.

If I could turn back time, I would have turned back and gathered her up in my arms again.

Since you have already said turn in this sentence change the turned into went

I found out a few months later… how sick she was.

I don't recommend the ... here. It just doesn't do anything for the sentence.

She was falling and I caught her.

There should be a comma after falling because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

I was the one that kept her stable on her shelf, making sure that she wouldn’t fall and fall apart.

Try not to say fall twice how about changing it to she wouldn't fall and break apart.

And in the end, I just broke her, like a china doll. I let her fall and I let her break.

Never begin a sentence with a conjunction, and in this case you can just remove the and from the beginning of this sentence.

I remember, one day, I couldn’t help my curiosity and I climbed onto a chair to reach the dolls.

There should be a comma after curiosity because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

It was just so pretty and I wanted to play and I really didn’t mean to break it, mommy

This is a run-on sentence. It can be fixed by adding a comma after pretty, and replacing the and after play with a semi-colon.

You were just so fragile and I didn’t know how to handle you with care.

There should be a comma after fragilebecause you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

Overall:
I loved the emotion behind this piece and the imagery you used, magnificent. You seemed to have trouble with conjunctions and run-on sentences though, so if I didn't explain it thoroughly please message me or write on my wall, and I will try to help you out further. This was a lovely read

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Aw this was sad. But I liked it. And it also was a little underdeveloped but keep writing

Oh, wow, this was sweet. I really liked it. I loved your china doll metaphor, and how you kept flashing back to the china dolls on the shelf, then back forward to the china doll you loved. It was a nice story, if a bit sad. I can't find anything wrong with it, other than the rating is off. I got brave today and read it, and I guess I was lucky or something...but I wouldn't rate this with anything higher than 12+, if that. It was amazing, I felt the desperation. I felt the passion. I wish I were this inspired and creative.