Young Writers Society

She couldn't help smiling to herself when she thought of what had just happened...She had been in school as usual and had gone through all the routines: The classes in which many homework were given to her, now that she was in 11th grade, lunch with her friends, and many more activities. But only one thing made her really excited about school: Fabian. He was a Mexican guy with ebony black hair and a very tanned skin. Whne he smiled, her whole world seemed to light up. He unknowingly exerted so much power on her. Unfortunately, he barely ever looked at her. But then, what did she expect? He was the hottest guy in his school and there were much more attractive girls than her to date.

Today however, was an exceptional and extraordinary day for her; and all because of Fabian. During PE, they were divided in two teams to play basketball. She was silently hoping that she would be in the same team as him, but to her great disappointment she wasn't. Their teacher blew the whistle and the game started. She usually got the ball as she was a good basketball player. Often when they played, she wondered if he would be looking at her, paying special attention to her.

Still lost in her thoughts about him, she never heard him coming at her at full speed until it was too late. He crashed into her from behind and they both fell down. She was too dazed to react and could feel a throbbing pain in her ankle...as well as his body pressed upon hers!
"Oh my God I'm so sorry!" Exclaimed Fabian, full of regret. "Are you okay?"
"Umm actually my ankle is really hurting. I might have sprained it." She answered, barely covering the sudden joy she felt.
"Oh no ! This is all my fault" he once again eclaimed. "What's your name by the way?" He inquired.
"Oh uh my, my name?" She couldn't believe it, he had asked her for her name ! "It's Amy, yeah Amy."
"Oh good to meet you, well not in these circumstances though. I'm Fabian"
"Yes yes i know, same here" Now she was sure that she was grinning like an idiot.
"Can you walk?"
"I don't think so, it hurts too much."
"Then i'll have to carry you wont i?"
"wha-wha-what?" She must have heard wrong here right? But before she could formulate an objection of some kind, Fabian whisked her off the floor and headed for the clinic. She couldn't believe it. The guy she had always admired from far was actually holding her- her Amy Whinefield, in his arms! A dream come true. She closed her eyes and wished that the clinic was a thousand kilometres away so that this moment could last forever.

Sadly, it wasn't the case. They reached the clinic in no time and he gingerly dropped her on the bed.
"Once again, i'm really sorry Amy" Oh my he even remembered her name ! " See you around soon, i think i owe you one" he said, winking. Did that mean he was looking forward to see her again? She just couldn't believe her good luck...she was just too happy. Even if that meant sacrificing her ankle just to talk to him. Before leaving, he gave her the sweetest smile she had ever seen in all her 14 years and was out the door in a second. While waiting for the nurse to come, she couldn't help thinking about the feel of his strong, muscular arms...


"

Hello! I'm April! Let's get down to the review, shall we?

The classes in which many homework were given to her, now that she was in 11th grade, lunch with her friends, and many more activities.

This is a run-on sentence. Another way of formatting that may be;

The classes in which much homework was given. Now that she was in eleventh grade she had much to do, and the day started off normally. Classes in which she received a lot of homework. Then off to lunch with her friends.On top of all that she had extra curricular activities as well. (Note, that I cut out the 11th and changed it to eleventh)

But Only one thing made her really excited about school; Fabian. He was a Mexican guy with ebony black hair and a very tanned skin. Whne When he smiled, her whole world seemed to light up.

He unknowingly exerted so much power on her. Unfortunately, he barely ever looked at her.

How could he know about his power over her but not look at her?

But then, what did she expect? He was the hottest guy in his the school and there were much many more attractive girls than her to date.

Today, however, was an exceptional and extraordinary day for her,; and all because of Fabian. During PEgym, they were divided in two teams to play basketball.

She was silently hoping that she would be in the same team as him, but to her great disappointment she wasn't.

It's quite obvious she would want to be on his team. Instead why don't you try something like;

Sadly for her they wouldn't be on the same team.

Their teacher blew the whistle and the game started. She usually got the ball as because she was a good basketball player. Often when they played, she wondered if he would be looking at her, or paying special attention to her.

Still lost in her thoughts about him, she never heard him coming at her at full speed until it was too late. He crashed into her from behind and they both fell down. She was too dazed to react and could feel a throbbing pain in her ankle... as well as his body pressed(crushing?)upon her!

"Oh my God I'm so sorry!" Exclaimed Fabian, full of regret., "Are you okay?"

"Umm actually my ankle is really hurting. I might have sprained it." She answered, barely covering the sudden joy she felt.

Joy and pain do not mix. No matter how much you like someone.

"Oh no! This is all my fault" he once again eclaimed exclaimed.

"What's your name by the way?" He inquired.

If someone is upset they usually do not start casual conversation.

"Oh uh my, my name?" She couldn't believe it, he had asked her for her name! "It's Amy, yeah Amy."

"Oh good to meet you, well not in these circumstances though. I'm Fabian"

"Yes yes i know, same here" Now she was sure that she was grinning like an idiot.

Therefore the little conversation they had wouldn't have happened. Also, a singular I is always capitalized.

"Can you walk?"

"I don't think so, it hurts too much."

"Then i'll have to carry you wont i?"

Same for an I in a contraction.

"wha-wha-what?" She must have heard wrong here right? But before she could formulate an objection of some kind, Fabian whisked her off the floor and headed for the clinic. She couldn't believe it. The guy she had always admired from far was actually holding her- her Amy Whinefield, in his arms! A dream come true. She closed her eyes and wished that the clinic was a thousand kilometres away so that this moment could last forever.

Oh boy, I wish my gym teacher would just let someone carry me out of class when I hurt myself. Usually the teacher handles it, not the students.

Sadly, it wasn't the case. They reached the clinic in no time and he gingerly dropped her on the bed.

I don't know about you, but if someone were to drop me on a bed I wouldn't be very happy. Especially if I was already in pain to begin with.


Over all, it's not very well written. It doesn't seem like you even looked it over after typing it up. You really need to work on your grammar. On top of that it's not very realistic, in today's society men do not pick up women and walk out of class. I think you have some great potential though! Keep writing!

v=v April v=v

I disagree with April, I think men should carry us more But it was grammar lacking. and it lacked the most important part. The end!!!! I wanna know what happened to them!!!! But other than that keep it up!!

This had poor grammar, and run on sentances. You need to work on that. It was a good idea for a story, but it lacked an ending. An the middle was, well, unstructured. It needed something more. It was enjoyable to read, and I understand that it is a short story, but it needs more. More grammar, more structure, more plot. But, it was a good start.