Young Writers Society

Jeffrey
It is Saturday, and I am at the park gliding along the sidewalk on my longboard waiting for Marcus to show up. He said he had something important to tell me in person. He’s late. And I’m impatient.
Finally, he calls me as he emerges from the trees. “I see you, dude.” He speaks in the phone in an exasperated sort of matter. Worry is soaked into his voice. His white skin is beaded with sweat, his hair damp. He is wearing his Thespian t-shirt which has also been moistened.
“What’s wrong?” I ask him. He’s usually a very amiable person.
“It's… I was running on my way here, and when I passed by your girlfriend’s house I saw her with another guy,” Marcus says. He’s just jealous of Samantha I tell myself, and can’t see grey.
“So? Her cousins are visiting from up North this week.”
“Well, she was making out with this guy.”
“What?” I am confused. “Are you sure it was her?”
“Same blonde hair tied in a pony tail and t-shirt you gave her for her birthday. She’s cheating on you, Jeffrey.”
I grope my hair in frustration, despite the fact that I don’t really have pullable hair, pacing back and forth and nearly tripping on my board that I left carelessly lying on the floor. And anger envelopes my entire being.
“How. Could. She. Do. This.”
Marcus pats me on the back. “It’s okay man, she’s just a girl from public school.” There’s something unsettling about this, so I pick us my skateboard and leave.

Samantha
“You haven’t been answering any of your texts for a week, what’s wrong?” I ask him, taking his olive hand into my pale white one, but he pushes my hand away.
“How could you?” He looks at me with hurt graven into his dark black eyes.
“Do what?” I ask him quizzically.
“You know what you did.” His voice rises like a crescendo except unlike music, this isn’t beautiful. And I’m scared so I don’t say anything. “Don’t play me for stupid. Marcus saw you making out with another guy for God sake! “
“I didn’t do any such thing.” Tears choke me, incapacitating my body as if I were a piece of hardened gum stuck to the floor. I dislike it when people yell at me. It brings back the pain.
“Where were you Saturday?” he screams. Veins are bulging on his forehead.
“I was at Publix, working like I do every Saturday.” My fingers tremble slightly, and I see my father beating me.
“Lies! I should’ve never trusted you.” He is in complete disgust, and I feel like running away. “I should’ve known that people like you can’t be trusted.”
“What do you mean people like me? Are we not both human?” My words are raspy and weak. I can almost feel the pain and bruises and the suffocating feeling of dying.
He slaps me in the face. I can hear the words again. They echo in my mind and the pain feels ten times as agonizing. It’s a miracle the tears haven’t escaped my eyes yet. I have to be brave I tell myself.
“I‘m too good to be associating with like you. Walking around kissing other white people wearing the shirt I gave you in a hole house” The words are spit into my face and they linger there like spit does when someone sprays you while they’re talking, but somehow I keep the tears locked up. I am not a

Spoiler! :

whore

.
“I didn’t do that.” My voice is still shaky, but more assertive. “Kara was wearing that shirt on Saturday.”
The veins in his head protuberate even more and I cry before he even says the words.

Jeffrey
As I think back on what happened two months ago I realize Marcus is a liar, and he never told me the important thing because it was all but a trap. I was too arrogant and hotheaded to realize it and it was too late once I had been ensnared. It’s slowly dawning upon me that it’s not poverty I should detest, but a something of entirely different level. What’s done is done. The keys to the lock have been lost; the doors to Samantha are forever closed, and I’ll always wish there was a crack for me to slip through...

Hi there!! Fine I am not giving you a critical review.
I just wanna say..The work is awesome!! very touching! I loved it!
Keep your Good work going. *Follow*

Hello there.

As I think back on what’s happened two months earlier I realize Marcus is a liar,

So the story was okay. I like the little twist, because the girl actually didn't do it. I find it hard to believe that the guy would actually realize it was a lie by himself though. I think it would be more real if something would come up, like something about Samantha, and then he remembers and it makes sense...

Anyways, great work!

-Other One

Hey,

I agree with TheOtherOne. This story was okay. It was a thick burst of dialogue and anger and betrayal going fast, fast fast until it stops being good. The writing, vocabulary and structure was good but the story itself wasn't that great. I get that you're trying to portray discrimination against poor people or something but it didn't come across. Maybe if you make this longer or give us more on the background then I'd believe it. Right now though, it needs improvement. Also I think the title could be shortened to just 'Keys'.

Favorite Line: Tears choke me, incapacitating my body as if I were a piece of hardened gum stuck to the floor.

Grade: C+

~Jas

Wow! This was really good. I think you should turn it into a novel. Like, this would be the prologe and the actual story would lead up to it, explaining why Marcus lied or something. I would totally read it. Alll in all, I think you wrote this wonderfully. I expect to see great things from you.

I hate Marcus!! What a thing to say when
you first review huh? xD
But I do hate him D:
I mean Jeffrey and Samantha were
like how you described them a good couple
Garr if you put in the story I would have hurt Marcus.
Real bad. xD I am getting carried away aren't I?
I love the story short but direct and how the characters develop
I loved this!!
Keep writing
<3

This is good. and no, I don't give crital reviews unless the piece is really bad andin need of work, so when I say somethings good I mean it. So far the only assholes I have to point out are Marcus and her father.