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Through the Storm



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Mon Jan 31, 2011 12:10 am
Flemzo says...



3/21/2011 -- This story just got accepted to the Wartburg College literary magainze, The Castle!

The lights flickered as Katherine slowly regained consciousness. She struggled to move for a moment, and suddenly found strength as she dragged herself out from under the rafters that had fallen on top of her. She weakly got to her feet, and allowed her eyes to focus on the destruction around her. The lights flickered again as she scanned her surroundings; nothing but wood and debris scattered the inside of the church, which now stood without the majestic steeple and intricate stained-glass windows.

Katherine surveyed the scene, and saw the bodies of friends and family, lying lifeless in the rubble. A gasp escaped her lips as she took in the broken and bloodied bodies. Electrical wires shorted and sparked as the dust began to settle, and the sound of the storm died off in the distance. For a moment, she considered calling out to see if anyone was alive, but the stillness was so thick and stifling that she believed that any shouting at all would be a lost cause.

Katherine inspected her wedding dress. Dirt, mud, and blood stained what was once a pristine and dazzlingly white dress. The purity and majesty of the moment was lost in the destruction. The material was stretched and torn. She looked disgusting, like she was left for dead in the middle of a desert. But she was lucky to be alive.

It was her quick thinking to dive under the first pew when the sirens gave no warning to the impending storm. The deafening howl of the tornado filled her ears, and she couldn't hear the screams of those who panicked and didn't know where to go. She didn't hear the sound of crushing bones from her bridesmaids, and she didn't hear the fading screams of her ringbearer, her little cousin Andrew, as he was sucked up by the storm and was lost forever.

"This was my day," she said to no one. "This was supposed to be my perfect day."

The sky was in limbo, getting brighter as the storm traveled away, yet getting darker as the sun set. In a few moments, Katherine wasn't going to be able to see, though today, that didn't seem like a bad idea.

She stepped over the unmoving bodies on the ground around her and went into the sacristy, looking for a match. She found a nearly empty box in the back of a drawer. She grabbed it and returned to the sanctuary, toward the baptismal candle, the one that was supposed to be lit as she and her fiance, Alex, said their "I dos" to pledge the rest of their lives to each other. It was supposed to be happily ever after, riding away from the church in a rented white limousine, getting ready to live in eternal bliss.

The match hissed as the sulfur lit, and she shielded the flame from the wind as she lit the candle. It wasn't much light, but it was more light than she was going to get otherwise. The dim, flickering light from the candle provided a little peace. Katherine thought it was beautiful that even in the midst of such destruction and pain, the light could still shine brightly. She hoped that some day she could shine as bright. She knew that our flames are always weak after tragedy, but in spite of it all, we still shine.

She grabbed the Book of Sacraments from the pastor's cold and bloody hands, and turned to the Order of Holy Matrimony. In her grief and helplessness, she was going to be married on this day, no matter what. She found the vows, and playing the role of the pastor, she recited them.

"Do you, Katherine, take this man, Alex, to be your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do you part?" She paused, and answered, "I do."

Playing the pastor again, she addressed Alex, tears welling in her eyes and she read the vows. "Do you, Alex, take this woman, Katherine, to be your lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health until--"

She paused, wiped a tear away, and finished. "Until death do you part?"

"I do."

Katherine glanced up, not expecting to hear anyone answer, much less someone who sounded like Alex. As she strained to see in the darkness, she could barely make out a figure walking towards her, struggling to get footing in the debris. As the figure approached the light, Katherine could make out the familiar features of her fiance, the man she was going to marry today, the lover she thought she had lost.

Alex sat next to Katherine in the darkness. He sighed and grabbed her hand. After a moment of silence, he turned to her and said, "Now, I don't know if you reading the vows makes the wedding legitimate, but can I kiss the bride anyway?"

Katherine laughed as she wiped tears away from her face. "Of course," she said.

They kissed and turned back to the darkness in front of them. Katherine glanced at the candle, and she swore that the flickering flame was shining a little brighter than it was before.
Last edited by Flemzo on Mon Mar 21, 2011 9:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Mon Jan 31, 2011 2:54 am
Sassykat says...



Okay. I just have to say that this was BEAUTIFUL. I literally almost cried. I loved it.
And I couldn't even find anything wrong...though that could just be that I was so absorbed in this story I wasn't looking.

Maybe make it a little clearer what happened? It took me forever to figure out that it was a tornado...and I'm still not sure that that's what it was.

Loved. It.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
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Mon Jan 31, 2011 5:31 pm
tinkembell says...



Impressive. All I can say, impressive. Only flaw I found was this;
Flemzo wrote:her surroundings; nothing but wood and debris scattered the inside of the church, which now stood without the majestic steeple and intricate stained-glass windows.


That is literally it. *does confined finger dancing to congratulate you*
Anyway; keep up the writing :P

Must dash, my monkey needs me.

- Tinkem
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Mon Jan 31, 2011 5:38 pm
silentriot says...



This is a really fantastic short story; I was just wondering if anything like this happened to you, personally. I apologize if such event happened and I hope that your loved ones are okay. I really enjoyed this, but I suggest you try poetry; I'm sure you'll find it entertaining.
  





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Mon Jan 31, 2011 6:09 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey!

I thought this was brilliant. You captured a moment of devastation well in your descriptions and I could really imagine myself standing with Katherine amongst the rubble.

I did notice this -

The lights flickered as Katherine slowly regained consciousness.


Here you say that the lights flicker and then you go on to say that they flicker again here:

The lights flickered as she scanned her surroundings:


To rectify this, I'd suggest adding 'again' after you say that the lights flicker the second time -

'The lights flickered agian as she scanned her surroundings:'

I didn't notice anything else wrong though, your grammar and structure was great :)

I think the piece flowed well, but the only thing I think was lacking was a little bit about how Katherine felt about the destruction around her. Even something as small as - 'She felt a lone tear roll down her cheek. There was so much loss.' You could add in a some of her feelings here -

Katherine surveyed the scene, and saw the bodies of friends and family, lying lifeless in the rubble.


I thought the ending was beautiful :) Hope amongst ruin.

I hope this helps and thanks for the read!

xDudettex
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Mon Jan 31, 2011 8:06 pm
ArcticMonkey says...



Heya, here to review as requested!

Firstly, I really enjoyed the descriptions that you used within this piece, I think that they were very emotive. I also think that you explained your characters well and developed them through the piece through different methods. I also liked the dialogue that you used. The flow was alright, but at times was kind of slow. Loved the beginning and the ending, alright, let me go into more detail.

Grammar and stuff in spoiler ;) :
Spoiler! :
She slowly and weakly got to her feet, and allowed her eyes to focus on the destruction around her.

You've used 'slowly' already, try and use another word like slowly... *Cue thesaurus, unless you don't like thesuaruses xD*
As she strained to see in the darkness, she could barely make out a figure walking towards her in the darkness, struggling to get footing in the debris.


Like I said before, I enjoyed the descriptions you used. You obviously thought quite hard bouat them and thought not to use sime cliche ones and stuff. So, I don't really have any problems on description.
An issue I found with this piece was pace, because sometimes I thought it was kinds of slow and didn't fit in with the rest of the piece. To improve on this you could think of more interesting ways to describe things. Also, steer clear of thee 'she did this, then did this, then did that' ect.
I also found it all rather confusing, I mean first she's hurt and then she's at her wedding? The change wasn't very clear and I think it was rushed a bit. Take more time with your writing f you can, because I can see tons of potential from this piece.

Alright, I don't really have anymore to say! Keep writing
~Inbetweener
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Mon Jan 31, 2011 8:22 pm
PandaAiKorai says...



One word to describe how I felt reading this: AW!!!!!

This is probably the sweetest, almost saddest piece I've read today. And I've read A LOT of stories and poems this day. The ending was a little fast, but how could you truly end a story perfectly? However, this story left me almost teary-eyed. In the middle of class, I had to control it, but let me tell you, it was difficult! A very beautiful story, and I suggest sharing this. The symbolism to hold on to hope, and to keep striving for that "light" is something always to be told. Kudos.

~Panda;;
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Thu Feb 10, 2011 2:50 am
Elinor says...



Hi Flemzo!

So, I promised that I would take a look at this to you in chat -- and now I have. Apologies for getting to this so late, but I've been bogged down with schoolwork and other commitments. Anyway, I thought this was generally well-written. You have a good sense of character, and you were able to hold my attention from beginning to end. I think this is good as a first draft, and that is a flash so the details are supposed to be limited, but I think there is more that you can do with it.

I would be nice to be able to know a bit of the details surrounding the events of it. More specifically, I think if we knew what exactly happened to cause everyone else to die, and also how Katherine survived, we'd be able to appreciate it more. I'm not saying that you should go full out, because I liked the mystery of it, but hints of subtly that would give us more of an idea of what's going on would add to the story since we aren't trying to figure out what happened. It would also be good to plot out how Katherine survived, seeing as how whatever seemed to kill these people was very intense. And you make it fairly obvious that this event happened either while or before the wedding is taking place, so you could play around with that to; one minute she's happy and about to get married, and the next minute she's standing in rubble.

I'm also confused about the message that you want us to grab from this. Right now, a girl who was about to get married undergoes and survives a tragedy and marries her dead fiancee. What does this show us? That she's sad. We don't even really get a sense of the trauma that's she undergoing. And while we certainty understand her predicament, we don't feel her emotion because you don't give us an opportunity for us to know her and sympathize with her. Also, I understand it's supposed to be sweet, but I was slightly disturbed when she kissed her dead finacee. I understand she loves him and he was alive moments ago, but he's a corpse. Maybe if she embraces him or kisses his cheek, that would be better.

Overall, I like this story a lot. Just work on adding more detail that will make this piece more emotional and heart-wrenching. Hope this helps, and feel free to PM me for anything!

~ Elinor

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-- Walt Disney
  





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Sat Feb 12, 2011 9:08 am
katchaerin says...



Hey there! Okay, I have to say I LOVE IT.

It almost made me cry, especially when Katherine read the vows. Awwwww. And one more thing, my name's Katherine, so, haha, that's plus points for me. You are a really good writer. I'd love to read more of your works, so keep writing!

-KAT <3
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Sat Feb 12, 2011 11:09 am
writerwithacause says...



Good grammar and punctuation! I enjoyed reading it. I have no suggestion, your piece is well-done! :)
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Sat Mar 26, 2011 7:17 am
rayhutch5 says...



I. Love. This. In the beginning, I thought that this was going to have a very sad ending and I was not looking forward to it. But, you managed to pull through and give me the perfect story and ending before I went off to sleep. I didn't see any grammatical errors, although, I must admit that I might have been a bit too involved in the story to notice them. For me, this is the best type of writing because I'm constantly on the look out for them, so to have a piece like this where I didn't even notice... Well, all I can say is bravo! Great job on this! I look forward to reading more of your work. Oh, by the way, congratulations on this work getting accepted into a literary magazine. You deserve it! :)

RayHutch :)
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