z

Young Writers Society


golden eyes



User avatar
7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 7
Tue Mar 08, 2011 12:24 am
emilooguinness says...



I miss her eyes. Her beautiful, golden eyes. They were a colour id never seen before. It was a warm loving colour, just like her. I remember her smile, her laugh. The way her cheeks would flush red when i kissed her. She was beautiful, she was perfect, she was mine and i loved her.
It was a cold winter’s morning. The sun was still rising, burning its way through the fog and mist. The frost covered grass crunched under my boots. You could see my breaths clouding through the freezing air. She had text me last night. It read “babe tomorrow, meet me by our tree we have to speak. 8’oclock.” It was an odd text very unlike her. I knew where she meant though. We had a tree. In the middle of a field. It was old and hung over to the side. it was sheltered and hollow. Its branches large and twisted, we would climb them to the top of the tree were she would sit in my arms and we would count the stars. That’s were we first kissed. I remember her soft, velvet lips. The way she smiled as we broke apart and the way she pulled me back in for another. And then i held her to my chest and squeezed her, making her laugh and it echoed through the field. I’m sure if i listen, i can still hear it echo.
But that was in the summer, now the tree had lost all its soft leaves, and its black shape scorched the snow full sky. i pulled my collar to my face to protect it from the cold and dug my hands deep into my pocket. Something was wrong i could feel it. It was 8:30 and she still hadn’t come so i decided to climb into the tree. I ducked under the low hanging branches until i came to a open aria surrounded by branches, all decorated by cans hung on string. I remembered how we spent hours listening to them clatter together. But in the middle hung one new object, not a can, but a note. I read it out loud to myself.
My love
You don’t understand what’s happening. You have to understand that i couldn’t stay any longer, the pain was just too much. Please remember the good times we shared and forgive me please. and babe, Never forget me.
Your love Victoria.
It felt as if someone had ripped my heart from my chest and torn it in two. My breaths scratched my throat and burned my lungs. My eyes filled with tears. What had happened to my baby girl, my angel. I thousand thoughts flooded into my mind but i pushed them away they couldn’t be true. But as i turned to leave, i looked at the opening to the trunk of the tree. And there huddled in it was my Victoria. She was wearing her white night dress and her body lay dusted with frost. Her cheeks colourless her hair laden with twigs and leaves. I collapsed to my knees. Around her neck she wore a necklace. It was one i got her for her birthday this autumn. It was a sliver leave on a thin chain decorated with only a small green emerald. She’d seen it in the market place and i went back and brought it later on. It described her personality perfectly, gentle, but wild. It hung low on her chest and just above it was a deep gash. A slit across her throat and in her had a kitchen knife, its steel blade stained with blood. The collar line of her dress also bloodied. I crawled over and took her free hand in mine. It was stone cold. Not human, not anymore. I looked to her face, and that’s when i saw her eyes, her beautiful golden eyes now glazed over with a white, just empty and hollow. So now she was gone, lost to the world. And already, i miss her eyes. Her beautiful golden eyes.
  





User avatar
20 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 545
Reviews: 20
Tue Mar 08, 2011 12:38 am
MisterThien says...



Heey again, Emiloo! :)

Okay, so starting with the nitpicks:

You're missing an apostrophe here:
They were a colour id never seen before.


I think this would be better separated into simple sentences:
She was beautiful, she was perfect, she was mine and i loved her.


She had texted me last night.


You don't need to state it wasn't a can here because a can wasn't my first thought as you said it was a 'new object' so it just seems unnecessary:
But in the middle hung one new object, not a can, but a note.


Spontaneous (un)capitalisation here:
and babe, Never forget me.


There should be a question mark at the end of this:
What had happened to my baby girl, my angel.


'A' not 'I':
I thousand thoughts flooded into my mind...


It was a sliver leave leaf on a thin chain


'Bloodied' is an odd-sounding word:
The collar line of her dress also bloodied.


Okay, so I think that's all the nitpicks. Though, there were others that I didn't quote because it was too frequent: you didn't capitalise your "I"'s which you must! Just a have read through next time as this could easily be avoided :D

I don't really have any criticisms really. I quite liked this piece. It really conveyed much emotion and the ending was really effective: how you repeated "beautiful, golden eyes" in the beginning and the end made it seem cyclical. Well done! Keep posting!

Thien
‎"I dream my paintings, then I paint my dreams" - Van Gogh
  





User avatar
14 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 710
Reviews: 14
Tue Mar 08, 2011 12:59 am
Milaita says...



I agree with Thien. This work was very nice.
“There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.”- William Shakespeare
  





User avatar
106 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1626
Reviews: 106
Wed Mar 09, 2011 4:28 pm
Funkymomo says...



The thing felt kind of twilightly to me. Golden eyes, Victoria. I'm sure you didn't mean it to be that way! :)

I don't think you did a god job describing their tree. It was to flat, your description. Maybe go more in depth, describe the sun shining through the leaves or the sound of the leaves rustling, something kind of poetic. Also, a lot of your sentences were short. They using commas. It's really good though.
Light one candle instead of cursing the darkness.
  





User avatar
152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1130
Reviews: 152
Thu Mar 10, 2011 5:58 am
harshita3chaarag says...



hey there... First of all... I think the story itself was good... But There are so many errors...do correct them... thein has mentioned them... Your descriptions were extremely weak though the feeling were deep felt... A bit improvement and it would look very nice... thats all I'll say....
Harshita...
The answers lie within.. You only need to look.. :)
  





User avatar
7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 7
Fri Mar 11, 2011 8:03 pm
emilooguinness says...



twilight? never seen it or read the books so i have no clue who victoria is XD ummthanks for the revews i will try the improvements <3
  





User avatar



Gender:
Points: 0
Reviews: 0
Fri Mar 11, 2011 8:15 pm
View Likes
synismysyn3 says...



hey i read your golden eyes story :) rly good you should tke a loook at my writing lol plz
  





User avatar
34 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2639
Reviews: 34
Sat Mar 12, 2011 7:43 am
HarpoMarx says...



I miss her eyes. Her beautiful, golden eyes. They were a colour i'd never seen before. It was a warm loving colour, just like her. I remember her smile, her laugh. The way her cheeks would flush red when I kissed her. She was beautiful, she was perfect, she was mine and i loved her.

It was a cold winter’s morning. The sun was still rising, burning its way through the fog and mist. The frost covered grass crunched under my boots. You could see my breaths clouding through the freezing air. She had text me last night. It read,Babe tomorrow, meet me by our tree we have to speak. 8’oclock.” It was an odd text very unlike her. I knew where she meant though. We had a tree. In the middle of a field. It was old and hung over to the side. it was sheltered and hollow. Its branches large and twisted, we would climb them to the top of the tree were she would sit in my arms and we would count the stars. That’s were we first kissed. I remember her soft, velvet lips. The way she smiled as we broke apart and the way she pulled me back in for another. And then I held her to my chest and squeezed her, making her laugh and it echoed through the field. I’m sure if I listen, I can still hear it echo.

But that was in the summer, now the tree had lost all its soft leaves, and its black shape scorched the snow full sky. i pulled my collar to my face to protect it from the cold and dug my hands deep into my pocket. Something was wrong i could feel it. It was 8:30 and she still hadn’t come so i decided to climb into the tree. I ducked under the low hanging branches until i came to a open aria surrounded by branches, all decorated by cans hung on string. I remembered how we spent hours listening to them clatter together. But in the middle hung one new object, not a can, but a note. I read it out loud to myself.

My love.

You don’t understand what’s happening. You have to understand that I couldn’t stay any longer, the pain was just too much. Please remember the good times we shared and forgive me pleaseno fullstop and babe, never forget me.

Your love Victoria.

It felt as if someone had ripped my heart from my chest and torn it in two. My breaths scratched my throat and burned my lungs. My eyes filled with tears. What had happened to my baby girl, my angel. I thousand thoughts flooded into my mind but i pushed them away they couldn’t be true. But as i turned to leave, i looked at the opening to the trunk of the tree. And there huddled in it was my Victoria. She was wearing her white night dress and her body lay dusted with frost. Her cheeks colourless her hair laden with twigs and leaves. I collapsed to my knees. Around her neck she wore a necklace. It was one i got her for her birthday this autumn. It was a sliver leave on a thin chain decorated with only a small green emerald. She’d seen it in the market place and i went back and brought it later on. It described her personality perfectly, gentle, but wild. It hung low on her chest and just above it was a deep gash. A slit across her throat and in her had a kitchen knife, its steel blade stained with blood. The collar line of her dress also bloodied. I crawled over and took her free hand in mine. It was stone cold. Not human, not anymore. I looked to her face, and that’s when i saw her eyes, her beautiful golden eyes now glazed over with a white, just empty and hollow. So now she was gone, lost to the world. And already, I miss her eyes. Her beautiful golden eyes.
  





User avatar
30 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1141
Reviews: 30
Sat Mar 12, 2011 4:28 pm
Busheldood says...



I really liked it. I thought it had very good description and the story flowed very nicley. Great job *thumbs up* :)
  








It's like being in love, discovering your best friend.
— Elizabeth Wein, Code Name Verity