Young Writers Society

Well... short, really short story here. I wrote it for fun. XD Thanks for readying, guys. And, please... review.

Wandering through an empty land, there's nothing here, silence is so quiet it sounds loud. Cold air embraces my feet, just wet fog, rebel wind, memories that will never come back, and me. Sitting inside my own heart, my arms are hugging my legs and I'm swinging back and forth. I hear a door grind. How did he get here? Oh, just great! He's walking my way again, looking at me. Oh, God! My hands are shaking. And my fingers are cold! It's okay, breathe, just breathe, I think to myself.

I'm still looking at him, his brown locks bounce with each step he takes, I know there is oxygen in the air, but my lungs won't work. Like they are no longer flexible, just steady like a rock. My heart bounces out of control.Oh, Lord! What to do now?

He greets, "Hello, my rainbow during the day, and my star when there's no sun." I get on my feet, looking at him. It's true what he says, I'm unreachable like the sky, the fear of losing later makes us lose earlier sometimes. And, with a dread smile, I ask him to leave. Loving someone is like being chained, it's a beautiful nightmare that soon or later will end. I don't want it to end, so I don't want it to start.

"I don't want to be your jail. And, besides, I don't love you that much," I continue, wanting a glimpse of his enchanting, light eyes. Instead I look other way, hiding my face, hiding the noticeable and obvious truth, I do not want him to go. He puts his right hand on my cheek and looks into my eyes, smiling again, like he always does. He calls my name, and fondly says, "You're my heaven, it's my desire to reach you, even after death."

My tummy trembles, like an earthquake. I don't know what's least proper now, to be happy or to cry. I smile and close my eyes, and a tear crashes on the floor.

"Don't lie, feelings always seem to show. Like stars locked in a paper box at night. Like butterflies in the morning, after a garden has bloomed under silver moon rays of light." He wipes my tears off. "These chains are like white ribbons, blessed by God with love." He reaches for my frozen hands, and continues, "Remember, my love. You're my heaven, not my jail. You're not my hell, you're my sun."

Hi Sol. I saw you posted a short story and I'd though I'd review it.

It's okay, breathe, just breathe. I think to myself.

That period should be a comma.

I know there is oxygen in the air, but my lungs won't work.

I like the way you worded this, but I think it could be better if you described the main character's breathing or her heart was beating really fast to show she's nervous.

He greets,

I think it'd be better if you had him actually speak to the main character. Dialogue is a good way to show a character's personality, and it's also a good way to spice up your story with action.

The fear of losing makes us lose sometimes.

The parts in italics sound redundant. I would suggest changing losing to failing or since you're talking about losing a loved one to being abandoned or left behind. Also, this sentence let's readers know that the main character is scared of losing the person she loves. This is an interesting sentence, so you should elaborate on it. Make readers interested. Why is she afraid of losing the person she loves? Maybe pull the reader with a memory. Whatever you do, you should back up that sentence with more emotion and feeling to keep the readers interested and make the readers be able to relate with your character.

I don't know what's least proper now, to be happy or to cry.

That bolded part is worded awkwardly. Maybe you should reword like "I don’t know what's proper, to be happy or to cry."

He calls my name, and fondly says, "You're my heaven, it's my desire to reach you, even after death."

You say he calls the main character's name...so what is her name? Also the last part in bold , care to elaborate about the death thing? It just seemed random and a little out of place. Also, it might be just a personal gripe, but I didn't find believing what he was saying. I guess it's just that you should put more emotion more into your character and what he's saying.

I smile and close my eyes, and a tear crashes on the floor.

Why does the main character smile? I understand that she has mixed feelings but what I don’t understand is why and what they are. Somehow show her emotions and why she feels the way she does.

You're my heaven, not my jail. You're not my hell, you're my sun."

I find it awkward that those two words rhyme. If it were poetry, it would be acceptable, but since this a short story, those that just messes up the flow.

What I liked:

Sol, you have a beautiful writing style. I also liked the dialogue, so good job with that.

My tummy trembles, like an earthquake.

Nice simile. Very original.

Don't lie, feelings always seem to show. Like stars locked in a paper box at night. Like butterflies in the morning, after a garden has bloomed under silver moon rays of light." He wipes my tears off. "These chains are like white ribbons, blessed by God with love." He reaches for my frozen hands, and continues, "Remember, my love. You're my heaven, not my jail. You're not my hell, you're my sun."

Beautifully worded.

What Needs Improvement:

Firstly, we don't know as much about the characters as we should. We don't even know their names. Though this story was good, it could so much stronger if show us more about the character's emotions. Why is the main character so afraid of losing the person she loves? Also, readers don't know very much about the character’s history, but more importantly, the history between each other. What happened between them and how do they feel about each other and why? Something to help you might be to consider this is to use: Who, What, When, Where How, and Why?

And the second thing that needs improvement is the setting. As I was reading this, I couldn't picture in my head where the main characters were and during what time period the story happens. For all readers know, the setting could be any time and any place. Just really think about where the characters are and what time period it is.

Overall: This story is good and has lots of potential. And if you strengthen the character's emotions, and describe the setting, then your story will improve drastically. If you need any help with this, or if you have any questions, just pm me.

Hope I helped~Blue.

This is kind of creepy, lol. I mean, if someone tried to do this to me, he would probably be slapped!

I think it would be much better if we had some sort of idea why she would think that she would be jailing him by being with him? Since this idea isn't very clear, the full meaning of his words aren't really there. So his last words in this story, while poetic, seem to have no meaning.

Also, why is she crying again?

I like the vague aspect of not knowing the characters. In this case it actually makes it so much easier for me to put my place in the story where I currently am emotionally and where I want to be! I liked this very much. Great job Solly!

Hmm, it's obvious you're more used to doing poetry than short stories; this piece's prose is very flowery! I like the style of it, but in some place it can get very confusing. ie.

Cold air embraces my feet, just wet fog, rebel wind, memories that will never come back, and me.

"Hello, my rainbow during the day, and my star when there's no sun."

"Don't lie, feelings always seem to show. Like stars locked in a paper box at night. Like butterflies in the morning, after a garden has bloomed under silver moon rays of light."

Also, the guy's dialogue is about the sappiest I've ever heard. The MC might like it, but I'm sure anyone who wasn't madly in love with him would puke their guts out.

But no offense, this was pretty good. I didn't like it, but that's only because it isn't my style of read. I'm sure there's someone out there who would love this immensely.

Hello.

Nitpicks:

Wandering through an empty land, there's nothing here, silence is so quiet it sounds loud.

- o.o Please rewrite this sentence.

My heart bounces out of control.Oh, Lord! What to do now?

- You forgot to put space after the period.

Like they are no longer flexible, just steady like a rock.

- I think it's more proper to write: 'It's like they are no longer flexible, just steady like a rock.' or just replace the period that precedes this sentence with an ellipsis.

He greets, "Hello, my rainbow during the day, and my star when there's no sun."

- o.O Why does talk like this?? XD He's like a poet. His dialogue made your story seem like a poem. If the persona spoke the same, it wouldn't sound weird.


Honestly, it was rather hard for me to read this. There were like so many commas and I think, you should rewrite this story. >.< Peace. There wasn't enough description too. I could hardly picture the setting and the characters. Perhaps, this would be better if it was a poem. The language (of the guy) is so poetic too. xD

Never stop writing.

Hey... Your story was short and sweet... But some improvements are required... There should have been a little background of their feelings and probably a bit more description... Otherwise I liked it pretty much... And if you don't generally write stories... Then you've done a great job..!!
Harshita...

Hey, it's me Nike to review. Aww this story was touching. It was greatly written, no edits needed here. I love the plot, but it was a little confusing when you said that the MC was in her own heat. Was she in it or was it just a saying? sorry but I got really confused there. The rest of it was great and touching.

Keep Writing!

Nike

PS - Can you review my novel I Hate Him? Thanks, if you can!