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Paper Hearts And Bagels Pt. 1



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Mon Feb 28, 2011 7:50 pm
Esther Sylvester says...



AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Spoiler! :
This is part one of my short story for Teardrop's cool contest. It's really big and rough, but it goes fast and if you review it I promise to review you back when I can. I'll take any advice at all. Please enjoy!


PART 1

Amber Pennington never expected to be late for history class. She considered her being late to happen sometime when pigs flew or when armadillos learned how to speak English. But still, there she was, striding as fast as she could on her way to history, holding a mountain of books that blocked out her field of vision. Not being able to see where she was going, Amber nearly ran into a janitor's cart, which was surprisingly enough being pushed by a grinning teenager. Not that Amber could tell. She couldn't see anything in front of her face, and for all that she knew she could have just almost walked into an elephant.

Amber couldn't look at her watch but she figured she only had about two minutes before class began. If she took a shortcut past the teacher's lounge, then she could probably make it. She took a sharp turn to the left, causing one of the top books, Ten Thousand Ways Humans Messed Up-And Then Some to nearly fall off. Amber considered that her failure to get to class on time was going to be number one thousand and one in that book. Amber saw the door to the teacher's lounge and realized she didn't have far to go. The halls were empty and she had no obstacles. She would make it! She let out a sigh of relief and hurried along, just as the lounge door burst open. Amber had to jump to get out of the way, sending books flying all over the place. One book, Alexander Wasn't So Great, hit a screaming teacher in the face as he ran through the door. Amber questioned why the man was screaming, but her question was answered when a giant cloud of smoke bellowed through the open door. It smelled like burning plastic, and it stuck to her eyes. She couldn't see, but she started feeling for her books. She had to be on time with her books, she had to. She bumped into the teacher, who was sprawled out on the floor, nearly unconscious but awake enough to cry out,

"Who did this? God, I hate this school. The next second I see a student I'll-why, hello there!" The teacher's voice had a tinge of evil and unfortunately, the smoke had cleared up enough for the teacher, ironically named Alexander Grate, to see Amber.

"Why aren't you in class, little girl?" he said evilly, irritated and ready to lash back out at anyone. "Were you the one who slammed into me?"

Amber, struck with fear, did not reply. Instead, she slunk back into the smoky fumes.

"You didn't see anyone," Amber cried out, trying to appease the angry teacher with hypnotism, "you are having delusions...ah!" She gasped when she found herself out of the smoke. She started to run, not knowing what else to do and not wanting to be caught. She suddenly hated whoever set the room on fire, and made a promise to bring the goon down when she-was that the janitor's cart? Amber looked at it briefly and wondered where the janitor could be. Was he already in the teacher's lounge?

"I think the coast is clear," a voice from within the trashcan on the janitor's cart whispered. The lid popped up and someone's head peeked out of the opening. After bright green eyes shifted from side to side, the Figure Within the Trashcan popped up like a jack-in-the-box. It happened in a matter of seconds, and Amber was so startled that she fell over. Again.

"Aaaaah!" Amber screeched. The Figure Within The Trashcan smiled down on her, the trash can lid wobbling on his head like a giant sombrero.

"Hola," he said, quite suitably.

"Aaaaah!"

"No need to scream! They'll find me!" the young man shouted. He craned his head to the right, causing his makeshift hat to fall off, revealing a head of curly dark hair. He pursed his lips. "It seems that my comrades have abandoned me. Oh well, I can escape if I just get out of this trashcan..." He looked down at the trashcan solemnly, because there was no way he could step out of it because it was too high. Eventually, he disappeared within it, and with much internal rattling the trashcan fell over. The trashcan fell to the ground and he crawled out. "I'm free!"

"You're free?" Amber shouted, "What about me? If the teacher catches me I'll-"

"Then we shouldn't waste time."

"What?"

The boy grabbed Amber by the arm and started to pull her off. In the distance he saw the teacher crawl out of the smoke. Amber didn't look behind her; instead she focused on yanking her arm from his grip.

"Let go of my arm!"

"Fine," the boy said. He dropped her arm and grabbed onto her hand, still pulling her along. "Better?" he asked coyly.

"Why yes, much-no! That's not what I meant!"

To this the teenager responded with a deep chuckle. The two kept running until Amber realized that they had passed her classroom. She pulled away from him and began to head back.

"Wait!" the boy shouted, "he's right behind us."

"I have never missed class before, mister...mister..." Amber trailed off.

"Lucas," he finished.

Amber crossed her arms.

"Lucas. And I don't intend to now-"

"There you are!" the teacher's voice boomed. "Thought you could get away from me miss? Well, I'm not the gym teacher for nothing. I eat jogs like that for breakfast." Alexander Grate loomed towards them. "Was it you, ma'am, who set a smoke bomb in my office? And now you’re missing class!"

Amber was about to say that she had not missed class yet, but Lucas spoke up.

"I set the bomb, Mister Grate. I thought it would be hilarious-and it was."

"What?" Amber cried. Lucas laughed.

"Relax, it was just a joke."

"We take school very seriously, Mr. Yolen," Mr. Grate said, apparently aware of this trouble student's full name, "and I have a very special punishment for you. As for you-" he turned to Amber "-you ran away when I told you to stop. You'll be punished like Mr. Yolen here."

"But I didn't even miss-" The bell rang, ending Amber's speech. She dropped her head and her shoulders went slack. "Class..."

Lucas laughed uproariously.

"Now that," he said "is hilarious!"

Amber’s heart tightened within her chest. Things couldn't get much worse then, could they?

The smoke alarm finally went off, and the sprinklers went on.

PART 2

Shortly after school was over, if you happened to be around at the right time, you could see a pathetic lump crouched in a corner next to the gym's entrance. While tracing empty patterns on the floor with its finger, the lump turned its head to gaze loathingly at the figure that approached it.

"Hey, are you going to stay in that corner all day or are you going into the gym, uh, what's your name?" Lucas said.

"Amber," the lump that was Amber replied, "and you know it."

Lucas put his hands up in a submissive stance, but the smile on his face betrayed the gesture. He approached the lump-oops, Amber-and stood over her solemn figure. She turned her gaze to the floor again, tracing the pattern of an elephant.

"Oh come on! You just got detention and a small punishment. It's not like it's all over," Lucas sighed.

"It's all over," Amber echoed, which, in her opinion, it was. "I have never once got detention. Ever."

"A little detention never hurt anybody."

"Then why does it hurt me?"

"I can see you take school very seriously."

"And you don't?"

Lucas was right. Amber did take school seriously. Her whole life she had dedicated herself to the sake of her education. In a textbook, she could forget the stresses of the world. But now she was here, forced to volunteer with a boy she didn't even like, and he didn't even seem to care. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying being punished. Amber stood up, filled with self indignation, and ready to breathe fire at Lucas. She would have, too, if crouching for fifteen minutes had not cut the circulation from her legs, causing them to be numb and useless. Amber fell over, face first into Lucas chest. She half expected him to push her away, but he didn't. He just stood there. Amber, feeling somewhat emotional, and strangely comforted by the warmth emanating from her tower of support's chest, began to softly cry. Lucas went rigid. There were three things that made Lucas uncomfortable: ventriloquist's dummies, Jello, and a woman crying.

Quick, must think of something, he thought.

"Uh, there there?" he offered. When this didn't work, Lucas was relieved when he saw Coach Alexander stride in through the gym door. Alexander, ignoring the bizarre intimacy between his two victims-delinquents, he corrected-immediately yelled at them.

"What are you waiting for? Get in here for your punishment, you two pathetic lumps!"

"Sir, the only pathetic lump in the room is this one," Lucas said, pointing to Amber. Amber scoffed and stood up, wobbling yet still ready for a fight. She didn't get the chance to because the couch commanded that the two follow him into the gym. So they did.

The gym was a large expanse of polished wood floors and green and gold painted bleachers. The coach took pride in making sure his gym was clean, so Amber and Lucas were surprised when they saw the gym floor littered with a few tables covered in boxes. At the tables stood a few other teenagers, looking grim. Well, most of them were. There was one teen in a red, white, and blue poncho who was dancing the polka and looking quite happy. In a short amount of time coach Alexander had managed to round up all of the students, even those who polka danced, into a straight line. He began to pace, and they all knew when the coach paced a speech was about to happen.

"You know why you are here. You are here because you are slime bags," the couch said simply. "I bet you think I'd let you get off easy. Well, not today, my little pretties, not today."

"How can we be pretty slime bags?" Amber asked, puzzled.

"Be quiet, you! Anyway, I have finally found a way to get you students out of my hair for two weeks. As you know, the Valentine's Dance, aptly titled Valentine's at Saint Rhines, is coming up in ten days. Normally, we would have a committee do all the decorating and prep, but since I am in charge of choosing who can join the committee this year, I picked you hideous pretties."

"What? There are only five of us," shouted Lucas. The coach's deep voice gurgled in what was his signature evil laugh.

"I know."

"That's evil!" said the boy in the poncho.

"That's justice! And that's not even the best part. I want the decorations to be made by hand."

"We won't do it. Right, guys?" Lucas said. Everyone shook their heads and worded their agreements.

"It's either this or detention for the rest of the year. I know that all of you took part in the teacher's lounge incident."

"You can't do that!"

Everyone was shouting and complaining at this point, and the coach let them do it for a while, inhaling deeply as if to smell the children's despair. Finally, with a wave of his hand, he set off, leaving his students to their papery fate.

"Wait," Lucas said, "you should leave Amber out of this, coach. She didn't do anything wrong except being at the wrong place at the wrong time."

Amber glanced at Lucas just as he turned to look at her. He was actually standing up for her! She felt something strange in the pit of her stomach, and before she knew it she was saying, "I'll do it coach. I need the...exercise." Lucas gazed at her in pure awe. Feeling like she needed a better excuse, Amber said, "I mean these people need help, right?"

"We can get along without you," the purple haired girl said. This hurt Amber even if the words were not intended to. Still feeling rather adamant on the decision, she did not change her mind.

After the coach left and the students were done talking about how Alexander was demon spawn, the kids, not including Amber, sat down in a perfectly uniform square. Amber felt out of place and shy. She had no idea why she had decided to stay. It was all so weird. And now she had no idea of where to sit, or what to say, or what to do, or what...

"Amber, are you okay?" Lucas said, patting the floor besides him and smiling a bit too wide, "here, you can sit next to papa."

"Papa?" Amber asked. "I think I'll just stand over here."

"Oh come on," said Poncho, who had seemingly materialized behind her, "delinquents must sit together. It's like a rule."

Amber was about to say how she was not a delinquent but a student of moral character, but Poncho took the liberty to push her next to Lucas. Lucas smiled and patted her on the back.

"Well what do you know, the pathetic lump moved," said Lucas.

"I hate you."

Lucas promptly made introductions. In short, the purple haired girl was Lydia, the boy with the poncho was called Poncho, for he never gave his real name, the boy with glasses was William, the handsome boy with the mischievous grin was Lucas, and the girl who never spoke without stammering was Amber. After all that was done with, everyone began to plot. No one wanted more detention, and two weeks of misery seemed better than the other proposal. As everyone talked about how to decorate as fast as possible, Amber said nothing.

"Gah, we don't have enough time," Lydia said, lying back onto the floor, "I think we have to meet up on Saturday to plan."

"That's tomorrow," Amber said stupidly.

"No duh," Lydia said, and rolled her eyes heavenward.

"Who's place?" Lucas said.

"I like your place Lucas," Lydia giggled. Amber thought that the drastic change from cranky girl to giggling girl in Lydia was jarring.

"We always go to my house. I'd like a change of scenery. How about Amber's?"

"My house? Why my house?" Amber said.

"I'm interested to see where the Lump lives," Lucas said with a wink, "I hear its lair is quite frightening."

Amber gave Lucas a shove that was much more powerful than her small frame gave her credit for. The idea of having strangers over unsettled her stomach, but she didn't have anything else planned either. But Lucas made her so...goodness, what was the word? Irritated?

"I don't know..." Amber started.

"If you don't want to, Ambs, we can always do my house!" said Poncho. "I have a whole collection of milk cartons that I've been dying to show William. I also have a bed bug collect-"

"Let's go to my house!" Amber shouted. In truth, she hated milk and she did not want to think of bed bugs. "Yeah, let's, um, do this...shindig?"

Poncho slouched, looking slightly down at the lost chance of showing his bed bug collection. All the others were visibly excited, however, and expressed this by standing up and patting Amber on the back.

"Yeah, this will be fun!" Lucas said. "I guess we can just work tomorrow. We should go home and get some rest right now anyway." After a murmur of agreement, the friends and acquaintances parted. Lucas strayed behind with Amber, who was walking slower as if to avoid talking to anyone. She looked down, and he felt a strong urge, one that he had not really felt before, to cheer her up. "Amber," he said, "I'm glad that I'll get to see you tomorrow." Amber looked up at him, confused at the sudden...unobnoxiousness of his words. She blushed, and suddenly Lucas was a little red faced too. He slapped her on the back. "I mean your house. I get to see your house. The house that belongs to you. I like architecture, ya’ know? It's interesting. You know what else is interesting?" He paused, searching for something interesting. "Bagels. I. Love. Bagels." Lucas continued on like that until the two were outside.

"I'll-um-see you later. I walk home from school," Amber said, shrugging her backpack.

"Yup," he said, trying to stop his mouth from saying more stupid things.

"Yes," she said, not looking him in the eyes. His eyes made her stomach tie in knots, something she didn't need at that moment. They just stood there in silence. It was odd; being together had never been awkward before then. They parted.

Lucas stopped at a gas station because he was hungry. He bought a bagel.


Part 3


"On a scale of one to ten, how good do I look?" Amber asked her mother Lisa, who was busy getting ready for work. Her mother turned around and squinted at her daughter.

"You are solid eleven, dear. I haven't seen you wear a dress in ages. Is it because a boy is coming over?" Lisa said.

"Mom! No, that's not it at all! I'm changing!" her daughter screeched.

Amber twirled away but her mother caught and gently squeezed her shoulder.

"You know I was just joking, dear. Don't worry too much and have fun with your study group. I have to go now, but I'll call you to see how you are doing." And with that Amber got a kiss on the cheek from her mother and was left to her thoughts. There was no study group coming over. Amber had lied so her mother wouldn't worry. If she would have known, Amber probably could not have stood the humiliation. To make her mother proud of her was what was most important to Amber, so she was determined not to make any more mistakes from that point on.

The door bell rang. She jolted up with such a start that her pony tail lashed around and whipped her in the face. Pulling the strands of brown hair away from her mouth, she walked to the door. She hadn't had friends, well, fellow delinquents she supposed over in a very long time. She was nervous. She wiped the sweat off her hands onto her blue dress and hoped her palms weren't wet enough to make the fabric damp. Then she opened the door with a smile.

"Amber!" shouted Poncho, arms out as if to embrace her. She side stepped his hug attempt as he glided into the room, poncho fluttering. One by one the others walked in. William, upon locating a couch, threw himself upon it, while Lydia, upon spotting the open kitchen, threw herself at the refrigerator.

"Help yourself," Amber muttered as Lydia stuffed her mouth with a slice of cake. Amber had been planning to eat that last slice of cake after this day was over. Oh well.

"So this is where the Lump lives," Lucas said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and striding into the living room. Amber whirled around and glared at him.

"Shut up, Doofus. That's your nickname. Because it rhymes with your name. Lucas," Amber stammered.

"I get it," Lucas said coolly. He looked her up and down. "You look like a girl. Congrats." He clapped his hands in an almost condescending way. Even though Amber was positive what he just said was not a compliment, she was shocked to see that Lucas didn’t stop gazing at her. They both looked in each other’s eyes for a long moment. Then he coughed. "Let's get to work," he said.

The planning went as well as planning could go. It was awkward: Lydia was rude, William too quiet, Poncho too excited, Lucas enjoying mocking Amber way too much, and Amber feeling like she was going to explode. They decided that the ceiling of the gym would be "heart-tacular", dripping with hearts hung from the ceiling along with chains. Lydia knew a guy who knew a guy that could "obtain" some great speakers for the music, which was appreciated. All in all, it was going quite well. Sure, there were moments of sheer weirdness that in spite happening once already happened again and again. One of such moments was when Amber glanced at Lucas and caught Lucas looking at her.

"What?" he said.

"Nothing!" she said back.

"You were staring at me."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yes-uh!"

Pause.

"Whatever," he would say, and turn around again. Repeat after about five minutes.

Everyone was settling down after a while, and the planning dissolved into a slumber party of sorts. Amber made a giant bowl of popcorn and turned on the television. Poncho's favorite movie And the Bedbugs Bit was on, and therefore it was imperative that everyone must watch it. Amber had just plopped on the worn sofa when her cell phone rang. She quickly took the phone out of her pocket and went upstairs in her room to answer it.

"Hello, mom? . . . Yeah, I'm fine. I'm having a great time with my study group . . . Oh yeah, they are all nice . . . What? Mom, no, I'm not crushing on any of the guys!. . .Cute guys? Well, there is one . . .Lucas. No, he isn't interested! He hates my guts! . . . It’s okay. Can't be loved by everyone. Gotta go. . .Love you too."

Amber closed the phone shut with a frustrated snap and collapsed on her bed. The springs of her bed creaked complainingly as she rolled onto her side, and then she saw Lucas in her empty bedroom doorway.

"I always knew you thought I was handsome," Lucas commented, grinning. Amber, too stunned to let out a shout of surprise, sat up on her bed.

"On the contrary sir, I believe I said you were cute," she said.

"Same thing."

"Is not. Cute isn't handsome at all. It's like, two levels below handsome."

"But you still think I'm good-looking," Lucas said, entering her room. Amber grabbed her pillow with a case printed with a giant picture of Albert Einstein and pointed it at Lucas like a weapon.

"I don't think I gave you permission to enter my room, you, you enterer!" she shouted. Lucas ignored her and sat beside her on the bed.

"So, you sleep with Albert Einstein?" he asked, pointing at the pillow of Einstein's face.

"Yes, I love him," Amber said, not catching his joke. They both paused. Amber asked what Lucas was doing up there, and he answered that he was looking for the bathroom. "It's across the hall." Lucas shrugged.

"I don't have to go anymore...Was that your mom?"

"Uh...yeah...just checking in."

Lucas squinted at her.

"Did you tell her study group was going well?"

Amber felt the heat rise in her face and she turned away.

"Amber, you haven't told your mom what you're really doing, have you. What's wrong? Are you ashamed or somethin'? Do you not think I am good enough to hang around with? I mean, not that I care or anything. I'm just observant....Bagels taste good." Lucas bit his lip with a visible effort and turned away. He was suddenly a little red in the face too. Amber felt guilty. She began tracing a pineapple in her bed sheets.

"It's not that...it's just that my mother-well, I don't know-means a lot to me. She works really hard to keep her job and the house and all that. She works hard so that I don't have to, and well, I feel like I have to work hard anyway. To make the best of myself. But...this wasn't in the Master Plan."

"So what, was the plan never messing up? Never making a mistake? Being immortal and perfect?" It sounded shallow when he said it like that, but Amber couldn't say no. When she nodded, he just shook his head. He grabbed her shoulder and turned her to face him. "Amber, people screw up. If people didn't screw up, then we wouldn't know how to fix things up either. Just a fact of life. Live a bit!" Amber suddenly felt defensive and angry. Why was he telling her what to do, anyway? Was he trying to be mean or something? She was about to lash out when suddenly he edged closer to her, so that his thigh pressed against hers. As if reading her mind he said, "No need to get high and mighty about it. It just looks like you need a break. Seeing a girl my age acting like an eighty-seven year old makes my heart hurt.”

Amber stared at him. He stared back.

"Your leg is touching mine," she whispered as if it were a scandal.

"I know," he whispered back, eyes glittering. And then as quickly as flash, he went red and retreated to the other side of the bed. "I mean, I know now. I didn't know I was touching you before. Until you told me. It's not like, I wanted to touch you or anything. Ew. Oh God, look at that clock. I better get going. Good bye, Amber. Good bye, Einstein."

"Uh, bye?" Amber said. She held up the pillow of Einstein and in a silly voice said, "Have a nice pi. Get it? I said pi instead of bye-"

Lucas was already heading out the door.

. . . . .

Thanks so much. Here is the link to part two if interested - topic76934.html
Last edited by Esther Sylvester on Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
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Mon Feb 28, 2011 8:09 pm
greatman says...



i like this quite funny and entertaining ;) keep this up its very good :)
  





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Mon Feb 28, 2011 8:19 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey Esther!

Wow, I really enjoyed reading this.

I loved the humour that ran throughout the piece, both in the dialogue and narration.

Your characters were all brilliant too - I love Poncho :)

The tension between Amber and Lucas was cute and realistic. The name calling and insulting as flirting was good and believable. The dialogue between them did seem a little childish at times but then it fits with how they were acting towards each other.

I did find one mistake -

She works hard so that I don't have too,


'too' should be 'to'

This was great and I can't wait to read part two!

Good luck in the contest :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





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Tue Mar 01, 2011 1:58 am
AllieMeadows says...



Omg you had me on the edge of my seat the whole time I read your story. I loved the humor throughout the story and find that I can relate to your characters. I can't wait to read part two and know it will be just as good as this one. I uove how you made the MC so innocent it made it very funny. Its even funnier have Lucas being so nervous. Its makes me realize that guys are nergius round girls just like girls are because you mainly just see that girls are nervous. Keep up the good work and keep writing.
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3
  





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Wed Mar 02, 2011 4:26 am
onceuponatim3xo says...



Hello!

I absolutely loved this! It was brilliant. :) Every bit of it was completely realistic and believable. I could picture the entire thing happening as though it were a movie. I love your writing style, it's perfectly quirky and humorous.

Honestly, I really don't have any suggestions other than to keep writing. One thing might be to expand on Lydia and William so that it's easier to picture them but it's not a necessity.

Fantastic job!!
-Once
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
-Buddha
  





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Wed Mar 02, 2011 6:31 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Heya Sylvester, thanks for the request :) Sorry I didn't get on to this sooner, but uni homework beckoned quite evilly. Sooo, here I am to review one behalf of 1/2 of the Dynamic Duo.

On to the review.

Amber Pennington

Don't know why, but I didn't like this name (I think the last name is the one that rubs me the wrong way) - but it's not like it matters, because you never mention her by her last name. Also, for some reason it reminded me of Olive Penderghast from Easy A.

But still, there she was, striding as fast as she could on her way to history, holding a mountain of books that blocked out her field of vision.

Obviously I don't know where Amber had come from, but maybe mentioning that she had overstayed in the library during lunch or something, because generally there are a fair few students still milling around before the final bell for class.

She would make it!

Is anyone really that obsessed with making it on time to class? :P

She suddenly hated whoever set the room on fire, and made a promise to bring the goon down when she-was that the janitor's cart? Amber looked at it briefly and wondered where the janitor could be. Was he already in the teacher's lounge?

This seems a bit weird. Who bothers thinking about janitors?

It happened in a matter of seconds, and Amber was so startled that she fell over. Again.

"Aaaaah!" Amber screeched.

*grimaces* This reminds me of, "Jack bumped into his best friend, literally. They both fell to the ground and started to laugh." It just doesn't happen? Who falls over from fright and then screams?

The Figure Within The Trashcan smiled down on her, the trash can lid wobbling on his head like a giant sombrero.

"Hola," he said, quite suitably.

I loved this part though, very quirky.

"You're free?" Amber shouted, "What about me? If the teacher catches me I'll-"

Why would she be shouting?

The boy grabbed Amber by the arm and started to pull her off.

Sorry, but lol haha. Dirty minds.

"Why yes, much-no! That's not what I meant!"

Small thing, but generally there are spaces before and after the hyphen, or you use dashes. So, "Why I didn't even--wait, what was your name?" or "Why I didn't even - wait, what was your name?"

To this the teenager responded with a deep chuckle.

D: Deep chuckle?

The two kept running until Amber realized that they had passed her classroom. She pulled away from him and began to head back.

Amber crossed her arms.

What happened to her books?

"I set the bomb, Mister Grate. I thought it would be hilarious-and it was."

"What?" Amber cried. Lucas laughed.

"Relax, it was just a joke."

Who in their right mind would admit to sabotaging the teacher's lounge? Assuming nothing important burned down, the smell of smoke actually sinks into any fabric that could have been in the room. Not to mention what would have got damaged during the deluge of the sprinkler system. So it really makes the "having to decorate the dance" idea really really really unrealistic. They wouldn't just get detention, but suspension. Perhaps a more innocent prank. Maybe they egged his car, or wrapped toilet paper all over his desk. Something that wouldn't cause the sprinkler system to go off. Fires are really serious in Australia. People who deliberately set fires generally can be arrested. And it's not the fire itself that kills people, it's the lack of oxygen. If Mr. Grate had just so happened to be having a nap in the teacher's lounge and they set off the bomb, he could have died. Pessimism :3

Lucas put his hands up in a submissive stance, but the smile on his face betrayed the gesture. He approached the lump-oops, Amber-and stood over her solemn figure.

I thought calling her Lump was amusing until you over did it. Then it was as if you were explaining the joke.

She would have, too, if crouching for fifteen minutes had not cut the circulation from her legs, causing them to be numb and useless. Amber fell over, face first into Lucas chest.

Oh. So what I said above does happen. I don't know. If you could just think back to highschool - did this ever happen to you?

Quick, must think of something, he thought.

Not necessary, but sometimes thoughts are in italics to define them as different from the actual narrative.

She didn't get the chance to because the couch commanded that the two follow him into the gym.


Everyone was shouting and complaining at this point, and the coach let them do it for a while, inhaling deeply as if to smell the children's despair.

lol that imagine is the best. Absolutely loved it.

"I mean your house. I get to see your house. The house that belongs to you. I like architecture, ya’ know? It's interesting. You know what else is interesting?" He paused, searching for something interesting. "Bagels. I. Love. Bagels."

<3

"Amber!" shouted Poncho, arms out as if to embrace her. She side stepped his hug attempt as he glided into the room, poncho fluttering.

All I can think is Christian Side Hug.

"What?" he said.

"Nothing!" she said back.

"You were staring at me."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yes-uh!"

Pause.

"Whatever," he would say, and turn around again. Repeat after about five minutes.

Reading that was cringe worthy. Maybe if you expanded it a bit more, for a bad example:

She caught him staring again. As the others talked about the colour scheme of the dance, she whispered, "What?"

"Nothing, what?"

She searched his face, "You were staring at me."

"Psh, no I wasn't." He answered grinning. A dimple appeared on his left cheek and winked at her when his grin relaxed into an easy smile. She couldn't help but smile back. etc etc etc.

"Is not. Cute isn't handsome at all. It's like, two levels below handsome."



"But you still think I'm good-looking," Lucas said, entering her room. Amber grabbed her pillow with a case printed with a giant picture of Albert Einstein and pointed it at Lucas like a weapon.

Random enter spaces?

"Uh...yeah...just checking in."

Generally there are spaces after full stops. So, "Uh... yeah... just checking in."

Lucas squinted at her.

"Did you tell her study group was going well?"

I feel as if these two could be on the same line; the first part as the dialogue tag.

"Uh, bye?" Amber said. She held up the pillow of Einstein and in a silly voice said, "Have a nice pi. Get it? I said pi instead of bye-"

This also made me cringe. And not in a good way :/

So. Overall.

I did enjoy reading this, but it certainly isn't the type of story I'd normally read. It was too quirky for me :P But I liked how you wrote everything so far, and the characters are pretty well developed. Besides the whole issue I had with the smoke bomb, the only other thing I felt was weird was the relationship between Amber and Lucas. It just seems to have sprung up a bit fast - but I assume that's the point :)

I would like to know more about the others in the group, Poncho etc, so I do hope they have relevant parts later on. AH. I guess this reminded me of Easy A because she becomes friends again with the gay guy in detention. But then again, lots of stories use detention as plot convenience :)

On to the next part shortly.

Half of the Dynamic Duo at your service,

Jai
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Fri Mar 04, 2011 7:35 pm
Sins says...



Esther! Long time, no see, eh? ;)

I was meaning to review this earlier on in the week, but I ended up having a million and one other things to do. I'm free though now, so I'm finally able to get to this. When I was a YWS newbie, you were one of my favourite writers, I'd say. I remember that novel (The Greates Matchmaking Challenge Ever?) you were writing quite well. Anyways, that's totally unrelated to this.

Okay! Overall, I thought that this was a really neat beginning to a story, Esther, so well done. I love the... quirkiness? of your writing because it sets you aside from a lot of other writers. You have a unique style, I suppose. When it comes to your grammar, I didn't really see many problems at all. None worth mentioning anyway. Part of the quirkiness of this, I think, is connected to your characters. Like Jal said, I love Poncho. He certainly amuses me, and he adds to the overall humorous feel to this. I will admit that sometimes, the humorous parts in this can edge on a bit cringey for me, but I can cope.

Now, I do really like your characters, but I'd like to comment on something about your two MCs (Amber and Lucas). This might just be a complete coincidence, but those two guys seem similar to the two MCs in the matchmaking challenge novel I read of yours. Alex and... err, I can't quite remember. You know who I mean. I mean, you've got the arrogant guy and the girl who insists we hate him, but we all know they'll end up together. Anita! That's it! (Err, sorry, I just remembered the name...)

I suppose it's their situation that makes them seem more similar too. It's Lucas that I especially find similar to Alex. It's the whole troublemaking, cocky attitude, but really a nice guy attitude really. Like I said before, this could just be a coincidence because I haven't read anything else by you, and in all honesty, I doubt all of your characters are always similar, but I just found it interesting that I saw similarities here.

Staying on the same subject of character, I did find the situation Lucas and Amber were in a little cliché. I mean, it's the classic, let's pretend to hate each other, but fall in love in the future. Plus, the fact that the guy's arrogant is another thing that you often see in things like this. Before you start worrying, don't. Just because an idea isn't the most original in the world, it doesn't mean it can't make a brilliant story. I mean, The Greatest Matchmaking Challenge Ever had a generally used idea when it came to the basic idea of it, but you managed to make it such an entertaining story, that didn't bother me in the slightest. So long as you make sure to keep the interesting and quirky feel of this, I think you'll be fine.

The only other critique I have for you is the fact that, at the beginning, I was a weeny bit confused. It might just be me and my attention spam of a dead goldfish, but it took me a few paragraphs to really get into the swing of things. I mean,I didn't 100% understand the smoke in the teacher's lounge thing at first. I thought there was a fire in there or something, so I was weirded out when the teacher reacted in a way that didn't seem very panicky at all, but angry. I obviously realised what it was all about eventually, but it was confusing for me at first. Like I said before though, I'm a bit of a doosh, so it might just be a me problem and not a majority of the population problem. If you can though, I'd suggest for you to make sure that what happens at the beginning is completely clear for us people with less brain capacity. :P We're an unfortunate species.

I'm droning on a bit now, so I'll try and cut this short. As a whole, I really did enjoy this. I think you have some entertaining characters here and I must say that I do adore your style. There are some critiques I've managed to delve out, but there's nothing major. Not really. I do think that there are times in this where the emotions are a bit bare, where you could enhance them, but that can be easily done. Just make sure that every area where there is a certain emotion, make sure you enhance it as much as you can. With a bit of tweaking, I think this could be wonderful!

If you have any questions or comments regarding this review, just leave me a comment on my wall, or send me a PM. I'd be more than happy to answer any questions for you. I'll get to reviewing the second part of this when I can. It may even be within the next few hours... It depends on what time I decide to go to bed. I should be able to get to it by the end of the weekend, anyway.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Sat Mar 05, 2011 1:59 am
Daisuki says...



I loved it! I always like romance stories like these! I love it when the guy and girl insult each other, but end up growing very close. I can't wait to read part two!

This reminds me a lot of a shoujo manga. I've gotten really into those lately and would like to write something similar, so it was really great reading this! I love the characters - Amber the nerd, Lucas the delinquent, Lydia the uh... everything? It all just came together really well for an amazing story. I guess some people would call Lucas and Amber "cliche" characters, but I don't really understand that. Is it really possible to think of new character personalities for every story? I happen to love characters like Lucas.

With romance stories it's very difficult to write the romance part without sounding awkward, but I think you did those sections very well.

The storyline was well-thought-out. I liked that she got in trouble because that really gave Amber a chance to show emotion. It would be nice if some of the - were spaced out more. I found a couple punctuation problems that made it hard to read, but other than that it was amazing.
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Mon Mar 07, 2011 2:07 am
bookworm27 says...



This was very cleverly written-a welcome relief from some of the dry crapola one sees! There is a certain air, a je ne sais quoi, that one cannot attain by studying, and your piece reflects exactly this. It is witty, and enjoyable to the reader. Your style is excellent, and asides from possibly a few phrasing issues ("Everyone shook their heads and worded their agreements"-possibly worded is not the write word here...it breaks the flow) but other than things like that, I really really enjoyed this and can't wait to read the rest! BTW : "Hello, mom? . . . Yeah, I'm fine. I'm having a great time with my study group . . . Oh yeah, they are all nice . . . What? Mom, no, I'm not crushing on any of the guys!. . .Cute guys? Well, there is one . . .Lucas. No, he isn't interested! He hates my guts! . . . It’s okay. Can't be loved by everyone. Gotta go. . .Love you too.
LOVED THIS!!!! I cracked up! I totally identify with the character!:)
Avec Amour!
Booky
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