Hey. I haven't done this in a while. Just thought I'd put this up here. It isn't done but I don't really know if it makes any sense. So, I'd like some feedback on it please to see if I should keep writing it. Thanks a lot.
~shine
Choices
I stand small on the concrete step that has lodged itself in my memory. It is where I told Jass I loved him, where I fell in love with Zach, his baby, and where I will say good-bye to both of them. The wind is blowing gently, as if it wants to wipe the tears off my face but doesn’t have the strength to hide them from Jass. Can he see them? Does he know, now, because of the guilt-induced tears, why I have come tonight?
He stands with the door open, his beautiful face muddled with sorrow. Yes, of course he knows. I hear the toddler cry, as if even he can sense the distress in the air tonight. Jass does not tear his gaze from mine, not even for his only child. The last moment I get with him will be the only time when he’s just mine and no one else’s. How sad this moment has come too late. He should have realized earlier how much he would miss me. But guys are stupid like that. Don’t know what they’ve got until its gone. Or, at least, almost gone.
“Jass,” I say as gently as I can, willing the tears not to choke my words. “I’m leaving.” He nods, his eyes closing, perhaps because he’s trying to hide his own dismay.
“When?” Now its my turn to shield my face. I look at the ground and a curtain of hair sweeps to my rescue.
“The plane takes off at six in the morning.” He does the math. I will be gone long before he wakes up tomorrow.
“Lanaa…” He reaches forward, one hand finding its way under my chin to lift my head. The other wraps around me in an enveloping hug. I let go of the tenuous control I had over my tears and let myself sob. I can feel him shaking against me and I don’t have to look up to know he is crying with me. I lift my head off his shoulder, hiccups still racking my body. I don’t want to let go. I don’t think I can now.
“We h-have eight h-hours,” I manage to get out. Jass leads me into the house. He lets go and goes to check on Zach.
I breathe the familiar scents of a life that could be mine. I could live here with Jass and his kid and I would be happy. Or I could leave and see the world in a way that Jass will never be able to, because of Zach. I have made the choice already. Jass will never let me live it down. But he isn’t going to stop me from going, no matter how much he wishes I wasn’t.
Jass comes out of the nursery, carrying a very sleepy Zach. I smile at both of them. Zach looks like his dad so much. Except for the blonde hair that was his mother’s, he could be Jass’s twin. Oh, the irony of that. Jass’s twin died six months after Zach was born. Almost two years ago now. Still a stinging wound for both Jass and I. And here I was, the last person Jass had left, besides his child, choosing to leave him. I hope he will forgive me for it. He knew I couldn’t stay here much longer, though,
Zach’s chubby face brightens at the sight of me, his beloved aunt, though we share no blood. He squirms in his father’s arms, reaching for me. I smirk at Jass and indulge him, walking the rest of the distance and reliving him of his burden. Zach cuddles close to me. I rock with him around the living room like I used to do when he was still a baby. Jass watches with amused eyes, though his mouth remains a smooth line. I know he is thinking about what he has told me so many times.
“Zach loves you, Lana. And you love him in a way that his mother never could. Stay here.” His eyes were fathomless. “I need you here. To take care of Zach. To take care of me. I love you. Lanaa. And you love me in a way that Zach’s mother never could.” But I couldn’t stay. Not for Jass. Not for Zach. Even though they are the world to me, “The World” could be so much bigger then them. I had to find out. I had to know.
But Jass is looking at me with those eyes. Those loving eyes, the color of milk chocolate kisses. Kisses that could have been. Kisses that weren’t mine to take, but tasted so good anyway.
I shut my eyes against the blinding lights. I feel the weight of Zach as he settles against me. I rock him slower now, singing the lullaby Jass had taught me long before Zach was born. The song always makes me sad. It was the sound of my crying when Jass had told me that his girlfriend was pregnant. The sound of my anger, my jealously, of my pain. Any chance I had at being with Jass was ruined by Zach’s creation. But I don’t resent Zach. Only Jass’s choices. And mine.
Regrets
The sun is peaking up over the horizon and sleep clings to my eyes. She’s so much shorter then I am but when she looks at me the pain and fear in her eyes tower over me. Its all my fault she’s leaving.
Dam that bitch Marisol. She just had to be pretty, blonde, and great with seductive words. If I’d never met her I’d be going with Lana. We wouldn’t have to part.
If I’d never met Marisol, I would have never met Zach, my first born son.
And Lana is still leaving.
I won’t let this be the last time I see her. I won’t let this be the way we part, bitterly torn to pieces by self-anger and jealousy.
“This is not good-bye Lana.” She closes her eyes and I can see her frustration mounting. She had been hoping I would let her off the hook. Hoping that I would just let her go without a fight.
“What the hell is it then?” she says tersely. “Cuz it sure as hell ain’t hello.” I know. I can’t tell her what I really think. She would never let it go then.
“Just promise me you’ll come back. Promise.” She looks away. Towards the door and the rising sun. She doesn’t say anything. I reach out, caress her cheek. Guide her unwilling face to look at mine. Her lip trembles. She wants to promise but I know she won’t. She doesn’t make promises she’s more likely to break then keep. “Lana….” I whisper pulling her against me. She curls automatically into my shoulder. She doesn’t cry. We had sworn the tears away during the night before.
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