Young Writers Society

So last night I thought about the reason I don't believe in love anymore.
And there's two reasons, Justin and Mike.
Let me explain.

Justin and I were together for one year and three months. And in the beginning it was perfect. We were happy, we never fought. I trusted him, and he trusted me. He even gave me his class ring. And I thought wow, I really do love him. But as time went on, things got worse, not better. We fought, I didn't trust him, and he didn't trust me, I didn't want to hang out all the time anymore and I started to lose feelings. But after we broke up this summer, I realized that I really did love him. How do you know when you love someone? It's when you break up, and you still think about them from time to time, hope they are happier now then they were with you, and make the most of the memories you have left. Do I still want to be with him today? No. I'm moved on, but I will always have a place in my heart for him.

Then there is Mike. I loved him for all that he did for me. He was always there and always made me feel special. We were best friends, and boyfriend and girlfriend. There's nothing better then that. We could sit in my basement everynight talking about so much stuff, and not even worry about 'doing stuff'. It was nice. But when you get cheated on by your boyfriend and best friend, it hurts more then anything. Especially when he told you he loved you unlike anyone else. So things got weird. No more talking, no more hanging out, no more I love you's, no more kisses. Just a relationship on the rocks. Did I really love him? I think so, but not nearly as much as Jutin. Do I miss him or want to be with him anymore? No, because things like that make you realize what you want in a guy, and it's not a cheater.

And even though I loved them, and admit to it, I don't believe in love anymore. Because both of those times that I fell in love, I got hurt. And love is just an excuse to get hurt then. And it's a hoax half the time. So I don't want to say that to anyone unless I truly mean it.

I want to find someone who can say love through a look in their eyes, or a touch of their hand. I want someone to make me feel love the moment that they walk into a room. And I want to be able to trust someone completely and not be afraid to go away or something in fear that they will cheat on me or break up with me.

I want mature love. No more elementary crushing.
But hey, don't we all?

I'm over it all.
How is that for content?

I realized yesterday that there's no use in waiting for something to change, because you gotta just move on to the next best thing. And that's what I'm doing, well, what I've done.

You just have to do things when you want to. You can't let chances pass you by, because when you look back on your life, you'll feel either guilty or sad. Because you could have lived happier in some cases. And even if there are other girls who like the same guy, or aren't over him yet, you need to realize that if he likes you, it's not your fault. You just have to deal with them feeling the same way you do. In the end, whoever he chooses, is what was meant to happen.

But right now, I'm happy, and content. I actually have gone through with something I wanted. I've been waiting a year or so for this, but I've finally realized who I truly like. And if you know who it is, and your mad or upset with me, then I'm sorry. But I won't change my mind just because of other people. In the end all you have is yourself, and if you aren't happy with yourself, you can't be happy with anyone else.

'Tell me if this is real, I need to know, before I get too close.."

And I know that the rumor was that I like Nick. And I tried to hide the fact that I did like him, because I wasn't sure I believed it myself. But I was wrong. I do like him. And even though Ellen has feelings for him, we just have to see who he wants to be with himself. And if it's not me and it's her, I won't be mad, because we both have a chance. It's 50/50. And I'm not afraid that Mike will find this out, because I want him to know, and I want him to find someone who makes him happy.

This is part of my new life. Telling the truth. You can't lie about your feelings, because sometimes it hurts more to be guilty about something, then to be honest and hurt other people. And I know a few people may be mad at me, a few may stop talking to me, and others might go and tell Mike or other people. But that's okay.

My Journal is compiled of all my feelings and things going on in my life. And that is what I'm doing. I'm compiling my feelings into this entry, and being honest.

You can't tell someone to just not have feelings for another because you don't think they should. I don't listen to that. I'll do what I feel like I need to do, or want to do. And whatever happens, happens.

"Why can you read me like no one else? I hide behind these words, but I'm coming out. I wish I kept them behind my tongue, I hide behind these words, but I'm coming out.."

If you read this, you're in for a whirlwind of emotions leading up to what happens. So if you stand by me, thank you. If not, then I'm sorry.
Actually I have no reason to be sorry, I'm just being me.

So you'll end up watching chances fade. And wondering what's real.

You know, I take pity on myself right now. Because I'm such a stupid, stupid girl. I ended up doing something well, last weekend that I thought would help out with a choice I needed to make. And it did. But now that I've made that choice, nothing's going right.

I try harder and harder everyday, every nightly phone conversation, everytime I cut my wrist, everytime a tear burns my chapped lips. I just think of it. And I wish I knew what would come of all of this, but I don't.

I want to be loved. Really and truly loved. I want to be needed and wanted. Craved for and cried over. I just want to make someone fall head over heels for me. And everynight I sit here contemplating what good things I can say, and there's nothing good left.

I'm bruised and broken; and I'm tired of it. Tired of the scars the people I love leave behind, and I'm tired of the peices that I have to pick up everytime I fall apart.

This isn't really a short story. It reads like a journal entry. I think you have some good building blocks here, but as it is, it reads like someone talking, either to themselves, or to someone else.

"I got cheated on, and I loved him. Or at least I think I did, I dont think I do anymore."
I'm just not interested as much as I could be, if you told us how it happened, instead of that it happened.

I'm not great at critiquing stories, but I'll do my best. Here goes.

It does read like a journal entry. Not that that is a bad thing. It just doesnt sound like a story.

And there's two reasons, Justin and Mike.
Let me explain.

Is should be there are, not there is.

And in the beginning it was perfect. We were happy, we never fought.

Semicolon after happy, not a comma.

We fought, I didn't trust him, and he didn't trust me, I didn't want to hang out all the time anymore and I started to lose feelings.

I would put a semicolon after fought and end the sentence after trust me. Start a new sentence with I didn't want.... Then, at the end, I think it would flow better if you said I started to lose my feelings for him.

No. I'm moved on, but I will always have a place in my heart for him.

I think you meant I've moved on.

but not nearly as much as Jutin.

You mean Justin.

And even though I loved them, and admit to it, I don't believe in love anymore. Because both of those times that I fell in love, I got hurt. And love is just an excuse to get hurt then. And it's a hoax half the time. So I don't want to say that to anyone unless I truly mean it.

I don't really like that paragraph.. It didn't flow for me... I don't know how to fix it though.

And that's what I'm doing, well, what I've done.

Semi colon after doing.

'Tell me if this is real, I need to know, before I get too close.."

The first thing should be a " not a '. Also, this line is out of the whole story. It interrupts your flow. Either get rid of it or put it into a paragraph without the quotes.

"Why can you read me like no one else? I hide behind these words, but I'm coming out. I wish I kept them behind my tongue, I hide behind these words, but I'm coming out.."

Again, your flow was interupted.

Anyway. It was good. A lot of it was slightly abstract, but I like that in writing. I think that with a few line changes, you have a good journal entry, if that is what you were striving for.

Ciao

Semicolons generally don't work while someone is speaking, and since this entire piece is someone speaking, or at least, that's how it reads, semicolons would be too much of a break, and would feel akward.

Semicolons do work, but I would rather have fragments in this piece.

I have read it over, and so far so good, but I'll probably end up doing the critique tomorrow. Until then...

Okay! First of all, I did enjoy it. It was startling deep at times, yet not stiff and pretentious. While I read it, I could imagine a teenager leaning over and talking to me in a hushed serious voice about her life. It was a conversational style which seemed easy and unforced and it led well to the story.

Now! For the fun stuff!

If you're anything like me, you're starting to sweat. I don't know why... no matter how well I may be able to write, I always get nervous before reading a critique. So just take a deep breath. Here we go!

We were happy, we never fought. I trusted him, and he trusted me. He even gave me his class ring. And I thought wow, I really do love him. But as time went on, things got worse, not better. We fought, I didn't trust him, and he didn't trust me, I didn't want to hang out all the time anymore and I started to lose feelings.

I like the first part of the paragraph, the part that is fragmented. "I trusted him and he trusted me." The shortness of the sentences seemed to fit well and I liked it a lot. But then you decided to change the format a little bit. Perhaps you were worried about style and thought that it needed to be more varied. So instead of the crisp nice sentences you had, you strung them together. It's not terrible mind you, but it looks a little awkward.

And then there's the last sentence. One reason why I liked the paragraph on the whole was because it was so timeless. There will always be love, there will always be trust, and yes, guys do give girls jewelry. "I didn't want to hang out all the time anymore" sounds awkward next to these timeless things listed in the paragraph. And then, right after that, "I started to lose feelings." Perhaps if you deleted the first part of the sentence and just said, "I started to lose feelings" it would become less awkward.

I'm moved on, but I will always have a place in my heart for him.

I prefer "I've" over "I'm."

everynight

Lol! Isn't that funny? Everyday is one word, but every night is two. How funny.

Yeah, seperate the words.

...and not even worry about 'doing stuff'.

Ooo... I'm getting really nitpicky. XD It should be: ...and not even worry about 'doing stuff.'

See how the little quote thingy is on the end there after the period? This is correct.

It was nice. But when you get cheated on by your boyfriend and best friend, it hurts more then anything. Especially when he told you he loved you unlike anyone else. So things got weird. No more talking, no more hanging out, no more I love you's, no more kisses. Just a relationship on the rocks.

I love the first sentence, mostly because it's simplistic and it understates her feelings about him. But then it starts to get ambiguous... I don't know. Perhaps I'm wrong (I probably am) but when I read this:

"But when you get cheated on by your boyfriend and best friend, it hurts more then anything."

I thought she might be talking about Justin instead. Oops. But still! If you clarified the characters a little bit, I'm sure it would be better.

...but not nearly as much as Jutin

Ignore everything else if you want to, but not this. It's "Justin."

No, because things like that make you realize what you want in a guy, and it's not a cheater.

In this case, I think it would make it more powerful if you seperated "No." It would just be cool. See?

"No. Because things like that..."

Then the rest of the second sentence gets a little mushy. What are you trying to say? Say it aloud and then write it down. It's not coming out right.

And even though I loved them, and admit to it, I don't believe in love anymore.

Eh...

Sometimes contradictions work, sometimes they don't. This doesn't really work. I know what you're trying to say but it's not coming out the right way. Besides, this makes the rest of the piece seem a little silly, especially when she admits to being in love with another guy. I would make it a little more ambiguous (i.e. less powerful) and say, "I don't think love exists."

And love is just an excuse to get hurt then. And it's a hoax half the time.

And I think you're using "and" too much. This would be a lot more powerful: "Love is just an excuse to get hurt." The words "and" and "then" get in your way.

So I don't want to say that to anyone unless I truly mean it.

Say what? That? What is wrong with a word like that?

Okay, now I'm being silly. But really... you don't mention what that is, and it's a little confusing and kind of annoying.

I want to find someone who can say love through a look in their eyes, or a touch of their hand.

Personal story! My creepy employer was giving me these annoying hugs in 85 degree F weather. And I didn't like it. So I gave a pleading look for him to stop it. And then he got all offended and gave me this B.S. about "my eyes revealing my true thoughts." Gag me! So anyway, he goes on about this long rant about how eyes mean more than words, and I'm about to strangle him. So what if I have big eyes I can manipulate to look expressive? Deal with it! It... sucks...

Okay, back to your story.

And I want to be able to trust someone completely and not be afraid to go away or something in fear that they will cheat on me or break up with me.

The first part made sense. The second part didn't. Why is she afraid of "going away or something?" First of all, be specific. Ambiguity makes things less forceful and often times it can be used for evil. It would be better to say something like this:

"And I want to be able to trust someone completely without fear of consequence."

I don't know. I'm not you, so I'm not sure what kind of message you want to put across. Clarify it so that the meaning is more accesible.

How is that for content?

This seems kind of random and awkward...

And that's what I'm doing, well, what I've done.

Sounds awkward. Try:

"And that's what I'm doing. That's what I've done."

You just have to do things when you want to. You can't let chances pass you by, because when you look back on your life, you'll feel either guilty or sad. Because you could have lived happier in some cases. And even if there are other girls who like the same guy, or aren't over him yet, you need to realize that if he likes you, it's not your fault.

The sentence structure doesn't seem as free and easy as it did previously. First of all, when "because" is in a sentence, figure out whether you want to start the sentence with "because" or have it somewhere in the middle. Right now, you're trying to get a "swoosh" effect, but because you're changing the rhythm of the sentence structure, it sounds awkward. Don't worry about varying your sentences! You have a nice tone that is easily connectable, and I'm sure the reader wants to hear you speak.

In the end, whoever he chooses, is what was meant to happen.

Ooo! A tricky one! But it's "whomever."

...but I've finally realized who I truly like.

Another tricky one! Whom. You can tell because because if you put in "he" where "who" is, it doesn't sound right.

And if you know who it is, and your mad or upset with me, then I'm sorry.

Not your mad... "you're" mad.

'Tell me if this is real, I need to know, before I get too close.."

Um... yeah.

Very random. Sounds awkward.

And I know that the rumor was that I like Nick.

Eep!

This is a sentence that uses too many tenses! "I know [present] that the rumor was [past] that I like [present] Nick."

I would prefer, "I know that the rumor is that I like Nick."

because I want him to know, and I want him to find someone who makes him happy.

No comma necessary between "know" and "and."

You can't lie about your feelings, because sometimes it hurts more to be guilty about something, then to be honest and hurt other people.

Be a little more clear. Say aloud what you want to say and write it down. It sounds a little confusing at the present.

And I know a few people may be mad at me, a few may stop talking to me, and others might go and tell Mike or other people.

Did I mention I was a nitpicker?

I think it would sound better if you switched "might" and "may" and change, "a few may" to "some will." So you would have:

And I know a few people might be mad at me, some will stop talking to me, and others may go and tell Mike or other people.[/quote]

I don't know... it sounds better. This is what it means to vary in style. Sometimes the words just need to be tweaked a little bit.

My journal is compiled of all my feelings and things going on in my life. And that is what I'm doing. I'm compiling my feelings into this entry, and being honest.

One of my favorite things about the piece was that it felt like I was being intimate with a friend. This sort of killed it for me. I don't know! I think it might be better for you to not mention this was for a journal so you can keep that itimate setting. As soon as I read that paragraph, I felt a little silly because I put that much time into listening to your character, only to have her think of me as a journal.

Yep.

So anyway, I did enjoy it. Only a couple of things, some minor, some even more minor. You do have a grasp of the English language and know how to manipulate it, which is very good. It needs a little improvement, yes, but like I said, you know how to manipulate the English language to appeal to readers. It's all downhill from there.

Good luck!

I'm sorry, double post.

I like it but I also agreed with NickelPickle. It does sound very much like a journal entry, not a story. There were a few spelling errors but you know, everyone else got to it. Well, thats pretty much it!

XOXO,
Cassie

I can say I feel genuinely empathetic towards your writing. It gives me a feeling as a person who has experienced your situations. Although the way you wrote this makes your writing appear like a journal entry, it tells a story in itself - which I appreciate to the fullest. Although this is my first review, I hope I can give you some constructive criticism. I liked and disliked your story for the same reason. I wanted to go on to read more of the way that things felt, and as I came to the end I have found it empty - intriguing suspense leads me in and drops me in am emotional cliffhanger, wanting to know more but respecting the artistic value of silence. I'll be sure to follow you.


- I hope I was of help.

And there are two reasons, Justin and Mike.

Justin and I have / had been together for one year and three months.

"For" requires Present Perfect or Past Perfect.

We could sit in my basement every night talking about so much stuff, and not even worry about 'doing stuff'.

In the end, whomever he chooses, this is what was meant to happen.

"Tell me if this is real, I need to know, before I get too close..."

Other than these small mistakes, you did a great job there. And I see nothing wrong in the fact that this sounds more like a journal story, it's still a short story, with personal notes in it. I like the way you've described those feelings, you've really paid attention to details. It was a good read!

Hey, I'll do an ulta short review for you. Time has left me. I'm sorry. D:

I like this. It has potential but if I'm honest I don't think it's filled its mould. I mean It was shaped like it was going to be beautiful but then.. as I read on I was uncomfortable. You didn't use enough description or imagery in places that you could, you used slightly bland words that didn't show any depth and I couldn't really see as clearly what you meant as the piece went on. You did a lot of this,

I was happy. Content.

You told us how she felt but didn't show us. Give us detail. Let us know why and how she feels the way she does. You lacked major depth in some of your parapgraphs that I feel could be fixed by editing In a short time. Remember editing and going back over your work is the most important thing in writing. It's what polishes your writing. Makes it complete.

I think with some work this could improve and become quite a story. The idea is a bit sterotypical but it's good. Keep trying and I'm sure you'll get there!

Keep writing and apologies for such a terrible review. Seriously, normally I do better then this but I'm under a bit of pressure right now.

Sorry again,
Kaka xoxo

Hey.

There really isn't much left to say about the nick picking that the others haven't already said. I love the idea of it. The two boys being the reason for losing love is brilliant.

Again, Loved it!

-Charlotte Grace