Young Writers Society

As I walked down the hallowed halls of fourth floor Irvine Hall I heard music floating throughout the hall it seemed to be coming from room 414. I went to see who it was. I looked in the window. It was Will Walter and Max Lissette. They were doing math homework, goofing around, and listening to music.

"Is that Khalifa?" I said gesturing to the computer that was playing the music.

"Yeah, its his new mix-tape." said Max in a irritable tone.

"Nice. I like it." I said with a nervous laugh. "I was walking by and I heard it and thought I'd see if it was who I thought it was"

"Well, you were right," said Will.

"I better go. Sorry I interrupted," I said.

"Its okay," replied Will.

"Bye guys."

"Bye." they both said.

I couldn't help but notice Max was being more hostile than usual toward me. He barely made eye contact, and looked more bitter than ever.

When I first came to The Mercersburg Academy, Max was just another person, but a few months ago he took the liberty to make himself more than just anyone else. He messaged me on Facebook, and asked for my number. At first I was freaked out, but then after texting him for a while I realized that he wasn't that bad. I started to like him. We began hooking up. It started out fairly innocently with make out sessions in his room, but it quickly progressed to much more. After a number of people found out, he decided he didn't want anything to do with me. I was distraught. He assumed that I told practically all of the Junior class. When in reality, it was the people he told that were telling everyone else. Eventually I got over it, and he decided to continue to ignore me though. I still didn't know why he got so uptight about it. He said he didn't want a bad reputation, I didn't buy that though.

I wondered why Max was suddenly being so irritable. Until this point, he seemed to do be doing fine ignoring me.

I continued down the hall pondering these questions that floated about my mind. As I approached the stairwell I stopped at the window just before it. I looked down at the sidewalk from four stories above it. I noticed my latest crush, Liam Hunter, slowly approaching the door at the bottom of the stairs. I hastily made my way down, and out the door. Just ten feet from the it stood Liam, checking his phone for new texts and emails.

"Liam!" I said smiling and doing my best to look and sound surprised to see him. I walked closer to him.

"Oh, hey Emma. Bridget told me you would be here. I was just going to go up to see you." he said

"Really?" I said sweetly trying to disguise the actual shock that had given me.

"Yeah, I'd been meaning to actually say something to you for a while."

He must have noticed the look of confusion on my face when he said that. What had he been meaning to say to me?

"Oh, I mean...can I get your number?" he asked letting out a chuckle at my oblivious nature.

"Oh, sure! Are you ready? Its 717-867-6149."

"Yeah, thanks," he said smiling. "I'll text you.".

"Okay...I'll see you later." i said smiling.

I turned and walked down the other sidewalk. as soon as I knew he wasn't around anymore I let out a burst of laughter. I was ecstatic. This was, Liam Hunter, the guy every girl in school pined for. He asked for my number! How much better could this get?

Later that night i made my way to Swank Hall and I heard my cell phone chime indicating I had received a text. I pulled my new Droid from my pocket. I didn't recognize the number. I opened the text and read it:

-Hey Emma, its Liam. I just wanted to talk. Text me when you get this.

"eeeeeeeep!" I chirped as I read it.

I i let myself into the dorm and ran up the stairs to my room. My roommate and best friend, Liz was sitting on her bed.

"Guess what!" i squealed.

"Liam asked you for your number and later texted you to talk." she said in monotone.

I frowned. "How did you know?"

Her voice displayed no emotion "I heard you 'eeeeeep.' The window's open."

"Oh."

I lied down and replied to Liam.

-hey its nice to hear from you. (: how are you?

I replied. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship I thought mischievously.

*****************

I began texting and talking to Liam non-stop for weeks. One night he told me to meet him in his dorm.

I went upstairs until I got to room 302 south. There were two signs on the door one was blue and said Liam in large, obnoxious letters. The other was orange and said AJ in the same font. I knocked twice gently. Liam quickly answered the door and looked around and hurriedly said "come in.". I thought it was a strange way to greet someone but I let it slide. I nervously sat down on AJ's bed since he wasn't there.

Liam walked over and sat next to me "How are you?"

"I'm good," I said with a smile "I'm glad you asked me to come".

"and I'm glad you came," he said as a smirk appeared on his face.

He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and looked at me intently. I watched his golden brown eyes studying my green ones. His facial expression lightened and he smile a crooked half smile. I bit my lip and looked into his eyes once more. His eyes closed and he leaned closer. I let my self lean just a little closer too until our lips connected. I felt the electricity between us. A jolt ran down my spine as I felt his lips curl into a smile against mine. I smiled too.

He spoke without pulling away "This can be our little secret.".

"Perfect" I said in a seductive tone. The idea of a secret teenage love affair excited me.

This time I made the move. I kissed him again with more passion than before. He kissed me back. His hands wandered upon my body. I let him do as he pleased.

Later that night I walked back to dorm with Liam. He said he wanted to see me off. I looked out the door to make sure no one was around before we left. We were going to try to keep this a secret, partially because Liam had an on again off again girlfriend named Melanie, and I had the recent thing with Max, and i didn't need the Liam thing making it any worse.

**************

Within the next several weeks Liam and I would meet on Fridays and Saturdays, and text nonstop. When we were in the dining hall and we passed each other in Irvine he would steal a seductive glance, or wink at me secretively. Every time i would see him around school i would cringe at the fact that we weren't allowed to do anything publicly. I tried my hardest to maintain my composure. Even though I hated the limitations I didn't care. Having a secret relationship was scandalous and I liked it. The sneaking around was sexy and I wouldn't want to stop it.

I sat on the senior benches with my friend Steven (a senior). I looked around and I saw Max walking toward me with haste. He looked infuriated. I had no clue what was going on.

"Liam? Are fucking kidding me?" he shouted.

I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away. "Shhhh! Be quiet!" I said. "How did you know about that?"

"I saw you."

I looked at him my face stricken with confusion. How could he have seen? I made sure no one saw me with him. How could this have happened?

"Last night. You guys were walking out of his dorm together. I was walking to Swank Hall to talk to you...but clearly that doesn't matter. "

"Wait! What?" I said in shock. "What did you see?"

"You guys were making out... intensely."

"Max...I"

"You know what? Save it." he said angrily, then stormed away toward his dorm.

What was going on? How could I not have noticed him out there? And even more importantly, why did he need to talk to me?

I called Liam. He didn't answer.

"Liam, we need to talk ASAP. Call me, or text me and tell me to meet you somewhere. Its really important."

Later that day Liam called me and we talked. We decided to put us on hold until I find out what was going on with Max. I walked Max's dorm and knocked on his window like I used to when we were hooking up. He opened up the window and i climbed in. I saw his alarm clock that was always set to go off at 6:00 so he wouldn't miss dinner. He was so silly. The song the alarm played was "Only One" by Yellowcard because thats what i set it to weeks ago. Suddenly when i looked at him the mood hardened. I looked at him with intense sadness and questioning displayed on my face. "Whats going on with you Max?"

"I...I..." he stumbled over his words.

"Max...you can say it."

"I....I....I love you Emma." he said breathlessly

"Max..."

"No, really. I've been trying to deny it by ignoring you, and being an asshole to you." he said. "Then...that day in Irvine when I saw you it hit me. I couldn't deny it anymore. I love you. I hated it. Once I had settled with it I came to pour my heart out to you, and then i saw you with him..."

It suddenly hit me. I was wrong. I wasn't over Max. I convinced myself that i was so that i wouldn't hurt anymore. Even with Liam I was still trying to get over max. I thought by having someone new it would help change my mind, but it didn't. I was merely lusting for Liam...but I loved Max.

I looked up at him in the dim light. I stared into his blue eyes as mine welled up with salty tears.

"I love you too." I said as a single tear rolled down my cheek.

He wiped that single tear away. He kissed me sweetly and gently as the chorus to "Only One" flooded the room. I let more tears roll down my face, and kissed him back with more emotion that I'd ever kissed anyone with.

"I love you Emma"

"I love you too...so so much."


Naturally I had to end things with Liam. He was upset, but did not ask questions when i refused to tell him why I was ending things. The truth was that I was in love with Max Lissette. I was Madly in love with Max Lissette.

Hi. Read your story. And to tell you the truth, I didn't like it. Some people will, some people wont. But it's just so confusing! Your spelling is sometimes worng and your story is too fast. The grammar is lacking. I mean she hates Max then loves Liam then loves Max? Explain what was going on bettween all the characters please. It's really confusing. Just make a back flash or something and SLOW DOWN. Re-read your story and you'll see what I mean, and if you don't then tell me and I'll do a complete review.

Keep Writing!
Nike

PM me when you edit or need me to do a full review!

You asked for a full review so, I will do as you please...

emilym1178 wrote:As I walked down the hallowed halls of fourth floor Irvine Hall I heard music floating throughout the hall, it seemed to be coming from room four hundred fourteen. I went to see who it was. I looked in the window where was this 'window'?. It was Will Walter and Max Lissette. They were doing math homework, goofing around, and listening to music.

Now, here where you say the names, explain who they are. Because to us at this moment, when you don't explain, we don't know who they are to the MC.

emilym1178 wrote:"Is that Khalifa?" I said gesturing to the computer that was playing the music.

Some people may not know Khalifa, like me, so explain to us who she is

emilym1178 wrote:"Yeah, its his new mix-tape." said Max in a irritable tone.

So, can you tell us what year we are in? Because Mix-Tapes were in the 80's.

emilym1178 wrote:"Nice. I like it." I said with a nervous laugh. "I was walking by and I heard it and thought I'd see if it was who I thought it was"

"Well, you were right," said Will.

"I better go. Sorry I interrupted," I said.

"Its okay," replied Will.

"Bye guys."

"Bye." they both said.

I don't see the emotion between the characters, you may want to add some. And since the MC is mad at Max for ignoring her, or maybe just disturbed or however she feels toward him, show it. Explain it. If she still likes him, say stuff like "My stomach flipped" "My heart skipped a beat", stuff like that.

emilym1178 wrote:I couldn't help but notice Max was being more hostile than usual toward me. He barely made eye contact, and looked more bitter than ever.

Show the bitterness.

emilym1178 wrote:When I first came to The Mercersburg Academy, Max was just another person, but a few months ago he took the liberty to make himself more than just anyone else. He messaged me on Facebook, and asked for my number. At first I was freaked out, but then after texting him for a while I realized that he wasn't that bad. I started to like him. We began hooking up. It started out fairly innocently with make out sessions in his room, but it quickly progressed to much more. After a number of people found out, he decided he didn't want anything to do with me. I was distraught. He assumed that I told practically all of the Junior class. When in reality, it was the people he told that were telling everyone else. Eventually I got over it, and he decided to continue to ignore me though. I still didn't know why he got so uptight about it. He said he didn't want a bad reputation, I didn't buy that though.

This should have been earlier!

emilym1178 wrote:I wondered why Max was suddenly being so irritable. Until this point, he seemed to do be doing fine ignoring me.

I continued down the hall pondering these questions that floated about my mind. As I approached the stairwell I stopped at the window just before it. I looked down at the sidewalk from four stories above it. I noticed my latest crush, Liam Hunter, slowly approaching the door at the bottom of the stairs. I hastily made my way down, and out the door. Just ten feet from the door stood Liam, checking his phone for new texts and emails.

How do you know that? Does she have x-ray vision to see what he's checking?

emilym1178 wrote:"Liam!" I said smiling and doing my best to look and sound surprised to see him. I walked closer to him.

"Oh, hey Emma. Bridget told me you would be here. I was just going to go up to see you." he said

"Really?" I said sweetly trying to disguise the actual shock that had given me.

"Yeah, I'd been meaning to actually say something to you for a while."

He must have noticed the look of confusion on my face when he said that. What had he been meaning to say to me?

"Oh, I mean...can I get your number?" he asked letting out a chuckle at my oblivious nature.

"Oh, sure! Are you ready? Its 717-867-6149."

"Yeah, thanks," he said smiling. "I'll text you.".

"Okay...I'll see you later." i said smiling.

Where's the emotion? Your dialouge is lacking any emotion, if she is 'lusting' for him than show it girl!

emilym1178 wrote:I turned and walked down the other sidewalk. as soon as I knew he wasn't around anymore I let out a burst of laughter. I was ecstatic. This was, Liam Hunter, the guy every girl in school pined for. He asked for my number! How much better could this get?

Later that night i made my way to Swank Hall and I heard my cell phone chime indicating I had received a text. I pulled my new Droid from my pocket. I didn't recognize the number. I opened the text and read it:

-Hey Emma, its Liam. I just wanted to talk. Text me when you get this.

"eeeeeeeep!" I chirped as I read it.

I i delete the extra 'i' let myself into the dorm and ran up the stairs to my room. My roommate and best friend, Liz was sitting on her bed.

"Guess what!" i squealed.

"Liam asked you for your number and later texted you to talk." she said in monotone.

I frowned. "How did you know?"

Her voice displayed no emotion "I heard you 'eeeeeep.' The window's open."

"Oh."

I lied down and replied to Liam.

-hey its nice to hear from you. (: how are you?

I replied. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship I thought mischievously.

Explain the friendship between Liz and the MC. Give us her description, and the description of the whole dorm room.

emilym1178 wrote:*****************

I began texting and talking to Liam non-stop for weeks. One night he told me to meet him in his dorm.

I went upstairs until I got to room 302 south. There were two signs on the door one was blue and said Liam in large, obnoxious letters. The other was orange and said AJ in the same font. I knocked twice gently. Liam quickly answered the door and looked around and hurriedly said "come in.". I thought it was a strange way to greet someone but I let it slide. I nervously sat down on AJ's bed since he wasn't there.

Liam walked over and sat next to me "How are you?"

"I'm good," I said with a smile "I'm glad you asked me to come".

"and I'm glad you came," he said as a smirk appeared on his face.

He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and looked at me intently. I watched his golden brown eyes studying my green ones. His facial expression lightened and he smile a crooked half smile. I bit my lip and looked into his eyes once more. His eyes closed and he leaned closer. I let my self lean just a little closer too until our lips connected. I felt the electricity between us. A jolt ran down my spine as I felt his lips curl into a smile against mine. I smiled too.

WANT MORE EMOTION! DESCRIPTION! Like, the last paragraph here it's filled with a little emotion, just tell us, no, show us how she feels.

emilym1178 wrote:He spoke without pulling away "This can be our little secret.".

"Perfect" I said in a seductive tone. The idea of a secret teenage love affair excited me.

This time I made the move. I kissed him again with more passion than before. He kissed me back. His hands wandered upon my body. I let him do as he pleased.

Uh, please! How does she feel? And wandered isn't the best word, it's like they are looking around, maybe say something else.

emilym1178 wrote:Later that night I walked back to dorm with Liam. He said he wanted to see me off. I looked out the door to make sure no one was around before we left. We were going to try to keep this a secret, partially because Liam had an on again off again girlfriend named Melanie, and I had the recent thing with Max, and i didn't need the Liam thing making it any worse.

**************

Within the next several weeks Liam and I would meet on Fridays and Saturdays, and text nonstop. When we were in the dining hall and we passed each other in Irvine he would steal a seductive glance, or wink at me secretively. Every time i would see him around school i would cringe at the fact that we weren't allowed to do anything publicly. I tried my hardest to maintain my composure. Even though I hated the limitations I didn't care. Having a secret relationship was scandalous and I liked it. The sneaking around was sexy and I wouldn't want to stop it.

I sat on the senior benches with my friend Steven (a senior). I looked around and I saw Max walking toward me with haste. He looked infuriated. I had no clue what was going on.

"Liam? Are fucking kidding me?" he shouted.

I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away. "Shhhh! Be quiet!" I said. "How did you know about that?"

"I saw you."

I looked at him my face stricken with confusion. How could he have seen? I made sure no one saw me with him. How could this have happened?

"Last night. You guys were walking out of his dorm together. I was walking to Swank Hall to talk to you...but clearly that doesn't matter. "

"Wait! What?" I said in shock. "What did you see?"

"You guys were making out... intensely."

"Max...I"

"You know what? Save it." he said angrily, then stormed away toward his dorm.

What was going on? How could I not have noticed him out there? And even more importantly, why did he need to talk to me?

I called Liam. He didn't answer.

"Liam, we need to talk ASAP. Call me, or text me and tell me to meet you somewhere. Its really important."

Later that day Liam called me and we talked. We decided to put us on hold until I find out what was going on with Max. I walked Max's dorm and knocked on his window like I used to when we were hooking up. He opened up the window and i climbed in. I saw his alarm clock that was always set to go off at 6:00 so he wouldn't miss dinner. He was so silly. The song the alarm played was "Only One" by Yellowcard because thats what i set it to weeks ago. Suddenly when i looked at him the mood hardened. I looked at him with intense sadness and questioning displayed on my face. "Whats going on with you Max?"

"I...I..." he stumbled over his words.

"Max...you can say it."

"I....I....I love you Emma." he said breathlessly

"Max..."

"No, really. I've been trying to deny it by ignoring you, and being an asshole to you." he said. "Then...that day in Irvine when I saw you it hit me. I couldn't deny it anymore. I love you. I hated it. Once I had settled with it I came to pour my heart out to you, and then i saw you with him..."

It suddenly hit me. I was wrong. I wasn't over Max. I convinced myself that i was so that i wouldn't hurt anymore. Even with Liam I was still trying to get over max. I thought by having someone new it would help change my mind, but it didn't. I was merely lusting for Liam...but I loved Max.

I looked up at him in the dim light. I stared into his blue eyes as mine welled up with salty tears.

"I love you too." I said as a single tear rolled down my cheek.

He wiped that single tear away. He kissed me sweetly and gently as the chorus to "Only One" flooded the room. I let more tears roll down my face, and kissed him back with more emotion that I'd ever kissed anyone with.

"I love you Emma"

"I love you too...so so much."

*******************************

Naturally I had to end things with Liam. He was upset, but did not ask questions when i refused to tell him why I was ending things. The truth was that I was in love with Max Lissette. I was Madly in love with Max Lissette.

Here's the confusing part... No emotion is shown throughout the whole piece. You say it but you don't show it. I really don't know is she likes Max, okay, if she loves Max and I can't feel it. Same thing goes for Liam, If she's lusting for him then explain it by showing it. Like they say "Don't draw what you know, draw what you see..." just do that in writing. So I get the point that she loves Max, but I don't see it.

Overall: Good plot. Great story, nicely written just need more emotion and description!

Keep Writing!
Nike

PS- PM me if you add more parts or if you edit!

I didn't like it. It was...kind of...blah. There wasn't any emotions in it. I don't feel the love, I just felt the teenage obsession to be with a boy. I don't understand why she had to be in a secret relationship. It was very confusing and a little fast. There were some grammar mistakes, but the ones I saw have already been pointed out.

It has potential though, so don't give up. Just add emotion and let the reader see this story instead of telling us what happened.

[quote="emilym1178"]As I walked down the hallowed halls of fourth floor Irvine Hall I heard music floating throughout the hall Try starting a new sentence here. it seemed to be coming from room 414. I went to see who it was. I looked in the window. It was Will Walter and Max Lissette. They were doing math homework, goofing around, and listening to music. The rest of this story seems very passionately written and is very good. This first paragraph, however, is very... boring. There is no poetry to it. The last four sentences of this paragraph are very choppy. They kind of seem like they have been written by a four-year old. When I say that, I am trying to help you improve your writing, not insult you.

"Is that Khalifa?" I said gesturing to the computer that was playing the music.

"Yeah, its I think you mean 'it's'his new mix-tape." said Max in a irritable tone.

"Nice. I like it." I said with a nervous laugh. "I was walking by and I heard it and thought I'd see if it was who I thought it was."

"Well, you were right," said Will.

"I better go. Sorry I interrupted," I said.

"Its okay," replied Will.

"Bye guys."

"Bye." they both said.

I couldn't help but notice Max was being more hostile than usual toward me. He barely made eye contact, and looked more bitter than ever.

When I first came to The Mercersburg Academy, Max was just another person, but a few months ago he took the liberty to make himself more than just anyone else. He messaged me on Facebook, and asked for my number. At first I was freaked out, but then after texting him for a while I realized that he wasn't that bad. I started to like him. We began hooking up. It started out fairly innocently with make out sessions in his room, but it quickly progressed to much more. After a number of people found out, he decided he didn't want anything to do with me. I was distraught. He assumed that I told practically all of the Junior class. When I would suggest either consolidating this sentence and the previous sentence or removing 'when'. Otherwise it grates on the ears just a little bit.in reality, it was the people he told that were telling everyone else. Eventually I got over it, and he decided to continue to ignore me though. I still didn't know why he got so uptight about it. He said he didn't want a bad reputation, I think a semicolon would work better than a comma here. I didn't I think you mean 'don't'. buy that though.

I wondered why Max was suddenly being so irritable. Until this point, he seemed to do be doing fine ignoring me.

I continued down the hall pondering these questions that floated about my mind. As I approached the stairwell I stopped at the window just before it. I looked down at the sidewalk from four stories above it. I noticed my latest crush, Liam Hunter, slowly approaching the door at the bottom of the stairs. I hastily made my way down, and out the door. Just ten feet from the delete 'the' of take out 'it' and put in 'door'it stood Liam, checking his phone for new texts and emails.

"Liam!" I said smiling and doing my best to look and sound surprised to see him. I walked closer to him.

"Oh, hey Emma. Bridget This part isn't very important, but who is Bridget? Emma's best friend? Liam's old girlfriend?told me you would be here. I was just going to go up to see you." he said

"Really?" I said sweetly trying to disguise the actual shock that had given me.

"Yeah, I'd been meaning to actually say something to you for a while."

He must have noticed the look of confusion on my face when he said that. What had he been meaning to say to me? This last sentence is kind of pointless. The confusion on her face is enough to say she doesn't know what he means.

"Oh, I mean...can I get your number?" he asked letting out a chuckle at my oblivious nature.

"Oh, sure! Are you ready? Its 717-867-6149."

"Yeah, thanks," he said smiling. "I'll text you.".

"Okay...I'll see you later." i Captitalize the 'i'.said smiling.

I turned and walked down the other sidewalk. as Capitalize 'as'.soon as I knew he wasn't around anymore I let out a burst of laughter. I was ecstatic. This was, This previous comma is unneeded.Liam Hunter, the guy every girl in school pined for. He asked for my number! How much better could this get?

Later that night i Capitalize 'i'.made my way to Swank Hall and I heard my cell phone chime indicating I had received a text. I pulled my new Droid from my pocket. I didn't recognize the number. I think you could phrase this sentence better. Try 'The number was unfamiliar'. Otherwise, you are starting two adjacent sentences with 'I' and it sounds very repetitive.I opened the text and read it:

-Hey Emma, its Liam. I just wanted to talk. Text me when you get this.

"eeeeeeeep!" I chirped as I read it.

I i The second 'i' is pointless. You can delete it.let myself into the dorm and ran up the stairs to my room. My roommate and best friend, Liz Either take out this previous comma or add another one after 'Liz'.was sitting on her bed.

"Guess what!" i Capitalization.squealed.

"Liam asked you for your number and later texted you to talk." she Not that it matters much, but which she? Leaving this unanswered kind of disrupts the story's flow and brings the read out of the world you have created.said in monotone.

I frowned. "How did you know?"

Her voice displayed no emotion "I heard you 'eeeeeep.' The window's open."

"Oh."

I lied down and replied to Liam. I'm sorry that this doesn't make sense, but something here sounds wrong. I don't know what it is, but something sounds... not right.

-hey its nice to hear from you. (: how are you?

I replied. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship Try putting what Emma thought in italics.I thought mischievously.

*****************

I began texting and talking to Liam non-stop for weeks. One night he told me to meet him in his dorm.

I went upstairs until I got to room 302 south. There were two signs on the door New sentence here.one was blue and said Liam in large, obnoxious letters. The other was orange and said AJ in the same font. I knocked twice gently. Liam quickly answered the door and looked around and hurriedly said "come in.". I thought it was a strange way to greet someone but I let it slide. I nervously sat down on AJ's bed since he wasn't there.

Liam walked over and sat next to me "How are you?"

"I'm good," I said with a smile "I'm glad you asked me to come".

"and Capitalize 'and'.I'm glad you came," he said as a smirk appeared on his face.

He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and looked at me intently. I watched his golden brown eyes studying my green ones. His facial expression lightened and he smile I think you mean 'smiled'.a crooked half smile. I bit my lip and looked into his eyes once more. His eyes closed and he leaned closer. I let my self Take out the space between 'my' and 'self'.lean just a little closer too The word 'too' sort of disrupts the flow of the story.until our lips connected. I felt the electricity between us. A jolt ran down my spine as I felt his lips curl into a smile against mine. I smiled too.

I don't have time to review the rest right now. I'll try to get to it soon. Keep writing!

Personally, and I don't me to sound like a complete downer when I say this, I agree with the other reviews posted. It was kind of empty. Almost rushed through. Like you didn't allow yourself the time you needed to really soak in the direction of your own story; the own emotions of your characters. The only way I could see where the emotion was supposedly at, was when you forwardly wrote it down.

The plot was a little cliche maybe, but not by too much. It reminded me of a teenage writer, writing all that she knew about personally herself. (whether that may or may not be the case). Simply by the way you added the unnecessary details like describing the kind of cell phone she had over describing her thoughts and feelings and actions. And how it seems so easy for her to have that happy ending with being able to get away with a breakup, then hooking up with a real hot guy who's supposedly the stuff on campus, then getting caught, but only to realize her ex "loves" her.

It's very melodramatic teenage stuff. Seen and written by other teenagers a hundred times before. And It's completely fine, if that's the sort of thing you like to write about. I only encourage you to break barriers with your writing and to step out of your comfort zone. You can only get better by putting both feet in. Just remember not to put all your eggs in one basket. Thing of a more interesting plot for future stories! Think of all the possible backgrounds out there that haven't been written about. All the different types of situations. Like, does the guy have to even be hot? Try something new one day. You seem like you could do it And I bet the outcome would be amazing! Good luck with future writing, and I hope you took my suggestions well.

"Yeah, it's his new mix-tape." said Max in an irritable tone.

It is -> It's. Also, before words that begin with a vowel, you should use "an".

"Nice. I like it," I said with a nervous laugh. "I was walking by and I heard it and thought I'd see if it was who I thought it was."

You used "it" third times in the last sentence. It gets kinda repetitive.

"It's okay," replied Will.

"Bye," they both said.

I couldn't help but notice Max was being more hostile than usually toward me.

"Oh, hey Emma. Bridget told me you would be here. I was just going to go up to see you," he said.

"Oh, sure! Are you ready? It's 717-867-6149."

"Yeah, thanks," he said smiling. "I'll text you."

"Okay...I'll see you later," I said smiling.

I i let myself into the dorm and ran up the stairs to my room. My roommate and best friend, Liz was sitting on her bed.

"And I'm glad you came," he said as a smirk appeared on his face.

"Perfect!" I said in a seductive tone.

and I didn't need the Liam thing making it any worse.

"Liam? Are you fucking kidding me?" he shouted.

You have some minor errors that I did not mind, except for the "its" - "it's" thing, which is a more serious mistake. As for the story itself, I do not know, but something is lacking. Maybe you did not put enough feeling into it, because it did not make me feel anything either. It's a good start nonetheless, but you need to improve it.

I wish you good luck!