Young Writers Society

Hi. I'm Janice. I am the one who was fortunate and unfortunate enough to witness a classic high school love story.

My high school. Woodbrooke High. Normal, right? Yes.

Me, I'm just a cute, dark, not thin girl who was known throughout the school as the Most Likely To Succeed girl. You know the type. Or not.
I was just 14 when all of this happened...

My friends and I were sitting in the rec room of one of my buddies' houses. His name was Courtney Mitchell. He was not there yet though.

"Jan! you suck!" Tonou Moriitsu laughed. We call him Tony. His face always had a playful grin on it. He had styled silky black hair, and Asian eyes that were surprisingly blue .

"I don't! I'm winning Tony!" I replied. We were playing football with each other on the PS2. We never could quite commit to the XBox. We remained loyal to Sony.

"I don't get it... what's a touchdown?" my friend Sandra Mitchell asked, gazing at a magazine featuring an article on Orlando Bloom. She's not so sports-informed.

"It's when you get to the other side of the field. you know? The one with the pretty picture on it?" Kai Lasalle teased.

"Alright Kai? Watch it!" Sandra warned. She flashed her black eyes at him, which were glaring under thick brown, styled mind you, bangs. However, there was a smile on her smooth, ivory face.

Kai laughed. He had white-blond hair, which was shoulder length, and his eyes were the color of the sea. His face was always clever and with a grin. He has pretty teeth. He was sitting next to me, waiting for a loser to emerge.

"So Jan? Who are you going to the dance with?" he asked. There was a dance, yes... at the end of the month.

"I'm going with Courtney. We're going out, remember?" I said. Kai knew this. After all, no matter how many boyfriends I have, he'll always be my BFF, so he knows everything about me. We've known each other since I was born. He's older by a year, so you know.

Kai gave me a hug, almost causing me to miss an interception.

"Aw CRAP!" Tony yelled. I ran the full length of the field making a touchdown.

"Thanks Kai. Your graceful hug helped me to get a touchdown."

Kai grinned, still embracing me. I grabbed a pillow and smacked him on the head. Soon, the basement was engulfed in a steel-cage pillow match. Luckily, Coutney's mom buys cotton pillows, not feather. Smart huh?

I heard the jangling of car keys somewhere, and, me boing smothered underneath Sandra, Kai, and five pillows, looked to see who was there.

"Hey you guys? I left for ten minutes and this is what I find? I'm thourghly ashamed of you youngsters!" boomed a voice.

Everyone glanced toward the steps descending into the rec room. It was Courtney!

"Hey C!" we all said in unison. We looked then at each other, laughing.
"Aw snap! Attack of the clones run!" Coutney exclaimed, laughing in his sweet voice. Coutney sat on the stairs, swirling his keys in his hand. His bright chocolate eyes shone from underneath his side-sweeped bang. His deep brown skin was spotless, except for the scar on his cheek. The really cool one.

"Did you get the movie?" I asked. Sandra stood up, stretching her arms. Kai went next, helping me up too. I found that my hair was stuck in one of his many earrings. three on one ear. While we untangled it, Courtney walked over to the DVD player.

"Yeah. A bootleg copy of the Amytiville Horror, and my copy of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre... Wanna watch?"

And that was one of the only scenes that made sense in the weeks that followed. Really, it was the last ordinary day we had as friends. Because a group with three gorgeous boys and two girls is bound to have some sorts of problems.

The next time we saw each other, jealousy and angered flared up while Coutney and I stood motionless... outside of this barrier that stood between us and them. And a fierce battle was emerging on their side... and it couldn't and wouldn't be stopped... till it was too late...

(Hope you like this story... and I hope it wasn't too long... I'm used to writing long chapters! Critique is welcome and encouraged. I'm using this story to get an A+ in Creative Writing Class! )

-Lakija X

nice job, i wonder what will happen next, keep writing it

I'm really curious as to what will happen next! Is there more to come then?

This was okay. It kind of moved too fast, and I felt like you weren't telling the readers all they needed to know. There were some grammer mistakes such as commas in the wrong place or not being there at all. Just keep working on it and be sure to read through it a couple more times to catch those little errors. Other than that, it was pretty typical as you said since it's a "high school love story." Can't wait for more...

It's okay...I have to agree with Mattie. It did seem to move really, really quickly and I never quite caught onto who was who...it confused me. Maybe if I read it again. Is Courtney a boy or a girl? Anyway, I can tell that you're a good writer, so my only advice would be to go back and look for grammatical errors (there were a few) and other things that are easy to fix, as well as not rushing. If you slowed down and expanded this a bit, I think it would be a lot more enjoyable.

It did go a little fast. I can't wait to read more. I'm curious as to what is going to happen next. Good job and keep up the good work!!!

I asked for critque and I got it!

Thank you! Truthfully, I've never really done a story in a forum. I usually go over my writing with a fine-tooth comb, but I think that I used a comb with broken teeth this time! n.n

As for how quickly it went... I didn't know whether or not to shorten things up. I like writing... really long things...^^;, and I didn't know if it was appropriate or not to write something really long. I'm sorry! T.T

So before my writing teacher sees that story... I need to really go over it again. Fix the grammical errors and such.

I wish to write a new chappie! Thank you once again for your nice criticism! I really do appreciate it. It helps a WHOLE lot!!!

-Lakija X

Hi. I'm Janice.

Not a particularly interesting beginning. I'm probably biased, though, because I don't like stories that start with and introduction right away.

My friends and I were sitting in the rec room of one of my buddies' houses. His name was Courtney Mitchell. He was not there yet though.

This was confusing. I didn't get exactly what you were saying until I read on a little more. The first sentence made it seem like your friends weren't friends with your "buddy." The second sentence brought up a name before clarifying anything. (Maybe you chould join the first two sentences together?) The third sentence made it sound like it wasn't Courtney's house and that he was going to arrive to this friend's house later.

We were playing football with each other on the PS2.

This makes it sound like you are playing together, not competing.

Kai laughed. He had white-blond hair, which was shoulder length, and his eyes were the color of the sea. His face was always clever and with a grin. He has pretty teeth.

First, I believe he still has white-blond hair, so it should be "has" not "had." Second, the description of Kai was totally random; it came out of nowhere. You should try to incorporate your descriptions into the story.

After all, no matter how many boyfriends I have, he'll always be my BFF, so he knows everything about me.

The "so he knows..." part didn't really fit in with the other things being said. Either you delete it or make it a different thought.

I heard the jangling of car keys somewhere, and, me boing smothered underneath Sandra, Kai, and five pillows, looked to see who was there.

Typo: boing = being? It seemed to imply that the girl was totally beneath her friends... how could she see who was coming in? Maybe you could clarify this.

Kai went next, helping me up too. I found that my hair was stuck in one of his many earrings. three on one ear.

Was her hair still tangled as Kai was helping her up? Wouldn't it be a bit difficult to help someone up when Janice doesn't know until later that her hair stuck in Kai's earrings?

The way the story is narrated makes it seem like one of those movies made for preteen and teen girls. It's all right, I guess, but I didn't really like the way in which you wrote this.

Wow this was some stuff. I really liked the characters. The forshadowing type you used usually gets on my nerves but you use it well here.

I liked the dialogue in the first part, keep going! It's pretty fun.

First of all, don't leave two line breaks between parahraphs. It is disturbing for the eyes, for mine at least. =D

Secondly, this is an ample story, I imagine. At least so it seemed to me. If you ever re-write it, emphasise on details, give us an insight into the school life, describe your colleagues, or best friends and after that let him enter your life and build your relationship slowly, so that it seems credible. It all happens too fast in your story. It all depends on what you want to turn it into. If it were something like a flashback from your past, you could select some scenes, but still you should describe what you feel. I did not feel the characters here and their feelings.

Nevertheless, a good start! And since it is for your school essay...

its a good story....I really enjoyed reading through it....I hope you will soon put up the sequel...because im dying to read it...the depth of emotions has been written wonderfully...I couldn't make out a single mistake(not I generally am able too)...keep writing!!!:)