Young Writers Society

"Don't you see we cannot be together anymore?" I said holding back tears that threaten to come. "But, Rachel you know how I feel about, and I know you feel the same way.” Chris said caressing my cheek ever so slightly. “Stop it.” I said so low I doubt he heard me.
“Why, so you can run away and avoid me when I try to talk to you?” he asked I could tell he was getting angry. I didn’t not want him to feel like this at all.
“Chris just stop okay, we have drift apart from one another. Let’s stop pretending like we still love each other okay. The deal is off you don’t have to pretend anymore.” I said walking away from him and what could have been.
Chris grabbed my wrist, gripping it with such force I grasped loudly. He weaken his hold but did not let go of me, he turn me around to face him. “I’m not pretending anymore Rach, I love you.”
“What?” I asked dumbfound at his announcement, I looked up at his beautiful blue eyes, I felt as if I was floating.
“I love you Rach and I never pretend to love you, everything I’ve done was because of love. I never did any of this for money. I use that as an excuse to get close to you.” He admitted pulling closer to you, and whispered in my ears, “Please tell me you feel the same way to?”
“Yes.” I said my voice raw with emotions. “I love you Chris; I never knew I did until I thought there would never be an ‘us’ anymore.”
“Well good thing that ‘us’ will be something for a long time I promise.”
“Really?”
“Yes really, you silly girl.” He laughed, bending down to kiss me. His lips met mine with such force, it felt like he was searching for something—like he was searching for….me.
We pull away from one another to catch our breaths. “Chris would you promise me something.”
“What is it?” he asked still breathing kind of heavy.
“Promise you won’t leave me. Like if you found someone else who is better or something like that, just….”
He kissed me before I could finish, this time the kiss felt more passionate than any of his kisses before. What felt like hours passed by, he pulled away leaving me completely breathless.
“Why did you do that for?”
“Because you where saying stupid things. I never will leave you for someone else because I find her already.” He said looking at me, waiting to get the point. When I didn’t say nothing, he shook his head frowning a little.
“What.” I felt frustrated at what he was trying to me, and then it hit me slowly but I caught on. “Me?”
“Yes silly, I find you; you’re the girl I have been looking for ever since I realize girls didn’t have cooties.” He said lamely, blushing at saying the word ‘cooties’ made he look like a kid again.
“I love you so much.” I said looking up at him, feeling love, compassion, and safeness wrapping around us as he kiss me again.
“Rach I always yearned for you.” He said as he kisses me with love and tenderness.
I’ve yearned for you too, but I never thought you would mine. I’ve longed for this day to come, and now that it is here I never want to go back to being who I was before. Ever
The End.

I think I really like what I wrote and I hope everyone does to.

i thought this was really good and loved the way it flowed.to improve you could maybe give a little background info, not too much but i wanted to know what the whole thing about only pretending to love her for money was because i was alittle clueless. there were a few grammar and spelling mistakes though.

whats in red is what i would change/add keep up the writing

I thought this was really good! there were a few mistakes, but other then that I loved it.

Makino318 wrote:"But, Rachel you know how I feel about you, and I know you feel the same way.”

Makino318 wrote:gripping it with such force I gasped loudly

Makino318 wrote:“Yes really, you silly girl.” He laughed

I thought this felt a little weird, because it broke the tension then went back into it. It Might sound better with out the silly girl.

Makino318 wrote:He kissed me before I could finish, this time the kiss felt more passionate than any of his kisses before

I felt it read some what awkwardly because kiss was used a lot. you could try something like "He kissed me before i could finish, this time when his lips touched mine it felt more passionate than any of his kisses before"

-MoMo

I definitely did like the storym although it was very short and left some questions unanswered. Why was she saying they could not be together anymore? What was the money that he was promised for being with her?

I also do agree with MoMo that "kiss" was overused. There are a lot of great metaphors you can use to imply a kiss. Another point to take into consideration was that you tended to use different tenses while writing.

For example,

“Because you where saying stupid things. I never will leave you for someone else because I find her already.”

Using found would have made a lot more sense.

I also noticed that in the first paragraph you have both characters speaking. Always start a new paragraph when the speaker is switched. Because that would leave a very short opening, I suggest improvising a new opening paragraph, perhaps one describing the surroundings and/or the situation. Using imagery will imporve the story a lot.

Overall, very good little piece! Keep writing.

Jasmine.

Thank you all for reading my short story and get ready for another, called "My Love is Death." I hope you like it, as much i do.

"Don't you see we cannot be together anymore?" I said, holding back tears that threatened to come. "But, Rachel you know how I feel about, and I know you feel the same way,” Chris said caressing my cheek ever so slightly. “Stop it,” I said so low I doubt he heard me.

“Why, so that you would run away and avoid me when I would try to talk to you?” he asked; I could tell he was getting angry. I did not want him to feel like this at all.

“Chris, just stop! Okay? We have drifted apart from one another. Let’s stop pretending that we still love each other, okay? The deal is off; you don’t have to pretend anymore,” I said, walking away from him and from what could have been.

Chris grabbed my wrist, gripping it with such force that I grasped loudly. He weakened his hold but did not let go of me. He turned me around to face him. “I’m not pretending anymore Rach, I love you.”

“What?” I asked dumbfound at his announcement. As I looked up at his beautiful blue eyes, I felt as if I was floating.

“I love you, Rach, and I have never pretended to love you, everything I’ve done was because of love. I never did any of these for money. I used that as an excuse to get close to you,” he admitted, pulling closer to me, and whispered in my ears, “Please tell me you feel the same way too?”

“Yes,” I said — my voice raw with emotions. “I love you Chris; I never knew I did until I thought there would never be an ‘us’ anymore.”

“Well... good thing that ‘us’ will be something for a long time, I promise.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really, you silly girl.” He laughed, bending down to kiss me. His lips met mine with such force, it felt like he was searching for something—like he was searching for… me.

We pull away from one another to catch our breaths. “Chris, would you promise me something?”

“What is it?” he asked, still breathing kind of heavily.

“Promise you won’t leave me. Like if you found someone else who is better or something like that, just —”

He kissed me before I could finish, this time the kiss felt more passionate than any of his kisses before. What felt like hours passed by, he pulled away leaving me completely breathless.

“What did you do that for?”

“Because you where saying stupid things. Never will I (this is how you emphasise ^^) leave you for someone else because I have found her already, ("already" requires Past Perfect)” he said looking at me, waiting to get the point. When I didn’t say anything (you can not use the word "nothing" in negative sentences), he shook his head frowning a little.

“What?” I felt frustrated at what he was trying to tell me, and then it hit me slowly but I got the idea. “Me?”

“Yes silly, I found you; you’re the girl I have been looking for ever since I realised (realized is for American English, realised for British English) girls didn’t have cooties,” he said lamely, blushing at saying the word ‘cooties’, making him look like a kid again.

“I love you so much,” I said looking up at him, feeling love, compassion, and safeness, wrapping around him as he kiss me again.

“Rach, I have always yearned for you,” he said as he kissed me with love and tenderness.

I’ve yearned for you too, but I never thought you would be mine. I’ve longed for this day to come, and now that it is here I never want to go back to being who I was before. Ever.

These are some corrections that I've made, mainly some punctuations errors and don't forget to pay attention to verb forms! Nice work nevertheless!