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Girls



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463 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 12208
Reviews: 463
Mon Jan 24, 2011 7:36 pm
megsug says...



This is for a contest. I'm not good at first person or romantic fiction or even short stories. I'm more of a novel person. Thought I would try something new. I wanted to see how this went over before I actually entered it. Tear it to pieces.
Want to read the second part, "Boys?" Here's the link. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post818752.html#p818752
Want to read "Boys like Girls?" post819306.html#p819306



I act like I don't care. I watch her go through the hallways and then turn away when it seems like she's looking right at me, reading my thoughts.
I mean, look at me! I'm not like her god-awful boyfriend. I've got no muscle, no beautiful hair, no “smolder.” I'm not an athlete.
Wanna know the longest word in the English language? Wanna know why two plus two equals four? Wanna know how it doesn't?
You've come to the right place.
Run a mile?
Ah... I don't think so.
I'm not pathetically crushing. I don't obsess about this girl. I'm... mildly interested. I'm only mildly interested in Abigail Parker, the long-legged, blonde bombshell, captain of our varsity volleyball team (Go Raiders!). In my calculus class, I barely glance in the direction of the girlfriend of our very own Jason Lineburger, star basketball player, six feet and two inches of solid muscle and little brain.
That- Is she looking at me?
I dare a glance at her.
She is. Why is she looking at me?
I raise an eyebrow, directed at her and am glad for the absence of the kid normally between us.
“Marcus, I need question seventeen,” she whispers, watching our sleeping teacher out of the corner of her eye.
I deflate. With a resigned sigh, I remember my place is infinite geekdom and reply, “I don't know.”
She frowns and tries again, “One.”
I shake my head. I urge Mr. Wilson to wake up and cover the paper with my arm.
She rolls her eyes. “Okay, I get it. You don't want to cheat.”
I scoff and turn back to my drawing. I haven't even tried at the work yet.
The bell rings. Mr. Wilson starts, almost falling out of his chair. The practically silent class erupts into motion.
Shoving my paper into my backpack, I make for the door.
Lunch. Canned peas and questionable pizza. Yum.
Lilian joins me in the hall and smiles brightly. Friends since middle school, we've been lucky to stay that way.
She's been better with the opposite sex. She's not as introverted as I am. She's just... nicer.
“How was calculus?”
I laugh softly. “I don't think it could get any better.”
She gives my sarcasm a heartier laugh than needed and sighs happily. “Well, I'm in a good mood today.”
“When aren't you?” I smile, finding it hard to resist her laughter.
“This is different. Today, I had to look in the mirror and tell myself I was going to be happy.”
I frown at her, studying her carefully. “That worked?”
She shrugs. “Mostly.”
“I told you what's-his-face was trouble.” I slip into a chair and nod to the gargantuan line. “Go get your food and think about listening to my warnings next time.” I take out my lunch box and shake my head.
Her boyfriend... Her ex-boyfriend was a jerk. I had told her so. He wasn't her type. He was some hotshot member of the track team, really smart, really cocky. I don't know what Lilian saw in him.
I find Abigail in the crowd of highschoolers. She's not only surrounded by athletes. Things are never that black and white. There's a mix, ranging from the fittest of the fit to the smartest of the smart.
“What's this?”
I look down at Lilian to find my drawing in her hand as she rises.
She grins as I reach for it, keeping it just out of my reach. “Another masterpiece, Picasso?” She turns it around, and her face falls for a moment. She looks at the girl now sitting on a table, laughing with her boyfriend and forces a laugh. “Again, you outdo yourself. Did she ask you for this?” She hands me the portrait, sitting down with a tight smile.
I take an apple out of my lunch box, setting the drawing on the table, and mutter, “No.” I watch her eyes flicker and take a bite nonchalantly.
She scoffs and shakes her head. “And you make fun of me. You make fun of me for my boyfriends.” She stabs at her overcooked broccoli with her fork and continues vehemently, never meeting my eye, “At least, I can get them to pay attention to me, Marcus. At least- At least, they want to date me, even if they dump me later. At least, I'll take a chance.” She gets up, leaving her tray. “I've got to go.”
Her eyes meet mine, and, for a moment, I think I see anger glittering there. But that's not Lilian. She doesn't get mad. She laughs. She smiles. She forgets.
She turns away and says quietly, “She's not good enough for you, Marcus.”
I watch her walk coolly out of the cafeteria and glance at the tables around me. What had I done? It was a picture. It was a cr- a mild interest.
Suddenly, a girl I vaguely recognize as one of Lilian's many friends sits in her place and stares at me for a long time.
Finally, I smile in the uncomfortable silence.
“Don't even smile at me.”
I obey and look at the table she had come from to see a group of girls shaking their heads. “I assume,” I say awkwardly, “I've done something.”
The girl blinks and points at me, mouthing something to her posse. “You said no, douchebag.”
“To what?” I search for a rescue and slowly back away from the table.
She frowns. “Didn't she ask?”
I sigh, angry and confused. “Ask what?”
She looks at me disbelievingly and seems to search the tabletop for answers. Her eyes fall on the picture, and she picked it up.
Oh, crap. I look away, only to see the, now intrigued, gaggle of girls.
“I see. I'm sorry. There was a misunderstanding. I didn't mean to intrude.”
I look up and nod. “It's fine. Is everything okay?”
She smiles and nods quickly. “Of course, everything's okay. How could it not? I just- ah- nevermind.” She backs her way to her group.
I roll my eyes. Girls.
Last edited by megsug on Sun Jun 05, 2011 8:03 pm, edited 9 times in total.
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7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 7
Mon Jan 24, 2011 8:25 pm
writtenacrossmysoul says...



I very much enjoyed this! Very good work, very well written. It's paced nicely if not perfectly and it's really interesting.
I don't think there was anything I didn't like about this. It was really witty.
However everything after
She frowns. “Didn't she ask?”
Was a little confusing. Didn't she ask what? I'm sorry if I've missed something but I really didn't get that.
Besides that, though, impeccable. Whatever contest you're entering I suggest you enter it. Can't wait to read more from you.
Dealing with backstabbers there was one thing I learned; they're only powerful when you have your back turned.
  





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Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:47 am
niclie says...



I liked it interesting and i really could relate to this story with me being in high school myself. I thought the pace was good and your flow was a little choppy in parts. I was confused about who was talking at some parts but i really liked it. Keep up the writing and the good work
  





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498 Reviews



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Points: 22451
Reviews: 498
Tue Jan 25, 2011 1:07 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)
I raise an eyebrow, directed at her and am glad for the absence of the kid that is normally between us.

She smiles quickly and nods hurriedly.

The repetition of quickly was a little bit weird, so I changed the word for another. :)

This story was pretty good, and I like the fact that you leave the readers to their assumptions, and do not say what is actually the matter. It reflects the real life. I know that most of the writers would actually make the girl tell Marcus what she meant, when in real life, most of us won't say anything and just walk off. You know... Keep the secret. ;)

Great job!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  





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Points: 2492
Reviews: 77
Thu Feb 03, 2011 12:50 am
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PandaAiKorai says...



Me AND my boyfriend were greatly intrigued by your story. I like the part where Lilian's friend comes over with "Didn't she ask?" Really nice twist. I truly hope that you post yet another installment!

~Panda;;
Southern hospitality just ain't what it used to be...

...Ain't what it used to be...
  





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336 Reviews



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Points: 805
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Thu Feb 03, 2011 1:51 am
Jas says...



Hey,

I really liked this piece but I felt as if you ended it at a random timing. I know the point was to show 'Girls, wow, they're crazy :/' but you kind of leave us wondering, 'What next?'. I loved the naivete of the guy but when Lilian starts crying, it seems a little sudden. We see it a lot in fiction, how just seeing something and then a character bursts in tears, but it's not very realistic. I was listening to an amazing cover of 'She will be Loved' on Youtube while reading this and the song fit with the sad tone of the story then it finished at this random moment and I was like 'What?'. Continue it. It's reallllly good.

Favorite Line: I act like I don't care. I watch her go through the hallways and turn away when it seems like she's looking right at me, reading my thoughts.


I really liked your first line. It hooked me in and really set the tone for this piece.

Grade: A

~Jas
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Points: 8198
Reviews: 203
Thu Feb 03, 2011 6:26 am
ofir says...



I just wanted to drop by to say this was great! I love your main character - you got him through really well! You phrased everything very nicely! I really can't find anything wrong, even if I try. The dialogue was really well done! Good job!!!
Ofir
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow
  





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Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:42 pm
Nike says...



Wow, this is really good. Great job!

Nike :)

Keep Writing!
“There is no need to call me Sir, Professor.”
  





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Sun Feb 06, 2011 9:03 pm
322sivart says...



This was really good. The pace was right, your two main characters were portrayed perfectly, and the story was very vivid. However, once I got to the part where one of Lilian's friends sees Marcus' picture, I'm lost. You say that a romantic short story is not your genere, but I think you did an excellent job with this piece.
Need reviews?
I'd be happy to give them.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic76104.html
  





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Mon Feb 07, 2011 2:52 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey Megsug!

I read this a couple of days ago, but I never got around to reviewing it, so I'm back to look through this for ya!

1. Nit-piks -

I watch her go through the hallways and turn away when it seems like she's looking right at me, reading my thoughts.


I understand what you're trying to say here, but only after I'd read it a couple of times. I'd suggest adding 'then' after 'and' so it reads more clearly -

'I watch her go through the hallways and then turn away when it seems like she's looking right at me, reading my thoughts.'

Wanna know the longest word in the English language? Wanna know why two plus two equals four? Wanna know how it doesn't?

You've come to the right place.


I like this :) You're telling us he's a bit of a geek without actually saying the word 'geek'

She's not surrounded only by athletes.


This reads a little awkwardly. Maybe try re-wording it to something like -

'She's not just surrounded by athletes.'

Her eyes meet mine, and, for a moment, I think I see anger glittering in her eye.


'eye' needs to be plural - just saying 'eye' makes it sound as though only one of her eyes is glittering with anger. Also, saying 'eyes' twice in this sentence is a bit repetitive. I'd suggest changing one of them for something else. E.g -

'Her eyes meet mine, and, for a moment, I think I see anger glittering in her gaze.'

one of the many friends of Lilian


This reads awkwardly. Maybe try -

'one of Lilian's many friends'

I obey and look at the table she had come from with a group of girls shaking their heads.


As it is, it reads as though the group of girls are at Marcus's table too. To rectify this, I'd re-phrase it to something like -

'I obey and look at the table she had come from to see a group of girls shaking their heads.'

and she picked it up.


'picked' should be 'picks'

“It's fine. Is everything fine?”


The repetition of 'fine' is distracting. Try -

'“It's fine. Is everything okay?”

She backs her way to her group.


What? Did you mean to write that she returns to her group - the table she'd come from?

2. Overall impression -

So, I liked this. I think you wrote from the opposite genders point of view well. You managed not to make Marcus sound girly and your plot was nice :)

Good luck in the competition!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  








My existence is political. And love is my statement.
— Kevin Abstract