Young Writers Society

Rated 16 for slight swearing. This is merely to rid myself of frustration. Feel free to pick it apart.

Dude,

What am I meant to say anymore? Am I meant to tell you how I feel or am I meant to simply let it go? Your sister told me that she didn't care; our best friend tried to get us together. Everyone else could see we were so damned perfect for each other. I could feel it in my bones. I know for sure that I felt it when your hand entwined with mine and when we sat together on the coach in silence. It was okay though, wasn't it? We had each other and we didn't give a damn about anyone else, even though rumours were spread. We were happy, wrapped up in each other's embrace.

"Do you think we would...?" I can still hear the words you used as the coach pulled to a halt. I can hear them as if you're standing right next to me, your breath whispering in my ear. God-damnit, I can feel it. That feeling shakes me. It makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and cry. I don't want to listen to your voice in my head because it will make it hurt all the more.

I can still hear my squeal as you lifted me off the ground and attempted to pass me to Charlie. You didn't let go though, did you? Your arms were around my waist, holding me close to you. I wanted to remain like that forever. I liked that feeling. It made me feel special. Doesn't every girl want that? I know I do.

Then the teacher made us move and we shuffled along the corridor, your mates making remarks about my petite height. I laughed and took it because the truth was, I didn't care. I had you. That was all I needed. You were all I needed.

Your friends kept on disappearing and reappearing; it started to get annoying. "Oh go away!" I finally snapped. Charlie asked whether it was literal or metaphorical; I knew that phrase would one day come back to haunt me. I rolled my eyes and he asked if you wanted him to leave so he went to find the bathroom. We made a mad dash for it and as we laughed, I asked what it was you had planned to say to me the other day, on the coach.

My heart froze when you mentioned about us being 'together.' I wanted to turn around and hug you right then and there but you ruined it, you bloody freak. You ruined it! You said we couldn't be together because we wouldn't work. You didn't say why; you just left me, utterly speechless as I wondered what exactly had just happened. Then Charlie turned up and you just said I was leaving. I watched you walk away and then I ran towards my friends. Ran.

You ruined it all. You came into my life and trashed my perfect fantasy. You bombarded your way into my heart and refused to leave. You held my tight against your slender frame and let me cry when things were difficult. You were somebody I trusted. I trusted you with my heart and you smashed it with your bare hand.

I wanted you to know. I loved you. No, that's a lie. I love you. I always will. I'm merely sorry. I've cried my tears; I'm done now. Goodbye.

Hello there.

This is a really nice piece, which a lot of girls and guys can relate to.

Sayen stood there, the wind whipping through her dark hair. I tapped her shoulder and she spun to face me, a smile on her face as excitement pooled into her features. She was the only one who knew but she was expecting exactly what I had. Even Lola said we'd make a happily ever after. Since when has your sister ever said that about you? She never said it when you dated Toni. She often called me by your surname. Dr Owen. I was going to become a Professor of English, hence the Dr title. We'd planned our future from the moment we were four, Lola and I did.

This paragraph here, though, is a little bit confusing. It doesn't flow with the rest of the story, as per me, and I'm not quiet sure what you are saying in there... Maybe try to make a link with this in the paragraph above, and re-write it so it makes more sense? So we know exactly what you are talking about?

The rest seems fine, and you seem to have the grammar down. Great job, and keep writing!

-Other One

Hello.

I absolutely loved this. You were able to write a very emotional piece without making it so over-the-top as to make it indigestible. I really do enjoy stories like this. Stories that don't follow the common exposition-complication-climax process. Instead it gives you only a silhouette of the story and you're left to fill in the pieces. It's something I'm exploring myself in the things that I write. It's almost like a proto-novel but in short story form.

I do agree with theotherone about the paragraph though. It was a very abrupt shift from you to someone else and gave a very different tone from the rest of the piece. You also added different characters into the picture which I feel is rather unnecessary. Although, I'm thinking that this might be written from your own experience or perhaps someone you know, and that's why characters appear so abruptly but given that you've transformed it into a fiction piece, I think you can make do without the others.

We had each other and even when they shit stirred,

Another thing is you should proof-read your works before you post them. The one I quoted above is just one of the typos. I know I saw another one in the piece.

Anyway, I did love this and would like to read more from you.

--Nixie

Hey, Pervy here. I really liked this story, i'm quite sure almost everyone have had a similar situation at a certain moment of their lives (or yet to experience it?).

Sayen stood there, the wind whipping through her dark hair. I tapped her shoulder and she spun to face me, a smile on her face as excitement pooled into her features. She was the only one who knew but she was expecting exactly what I had. Even Lola said we'd make a happily ever after. Since when has your sister ever said that about you? She never said it when you dated Toni. She often called me by your surname. Dr Owen. I was going to become a Professor of English, hence the Dr title. We'd planned our future from the moment we were four, Lola and I did.

I got confused and had to read it many times over, it doesn't suit the context. I'd say the story was better off without it.

Good story, keep at it!

Sincerely,
Perviguana~

Hey Guys First of all, thanks to all of you for replying to this.

I've taken out that paragraph; rather than rewrite it, I came to the conclusion that the story was just as good without it. It didn't really... add anything. I've taken out two of the names, to be replaced with titles.

Thanks for all of your help; it's very much appreciated!

-Catri

This is great in the way that this story can really hit home for a lot of people, I'm sure. It describes feelings we've all felt at some point or another, and it does this without getting overly mushy, which is really hard to do when you're talking about romance a lot of the time.

I really enjoyed this piece. I related to everything she said and inferred. I could feel what she felt, and see what she saw, and even hear what she heard. This was very creative. I loved it. LOVED. I couldn't stop reading it. That is how I test myself when reading. I tell my self i need a drink, and if i put it off until I am done. It's good, but if I go it's not. this was veryyy good however. (: There were some minor grammatical errors. Just be sure to proofread more carefully before posting next time. Over all it was a great story though.
<33

I could find no faults. The emotion was so real... I'm sure almost anyone can relate to this, and yet you phrased it so beautifuly. I aboslutely love the play of emotions. You did very, very well! Good job!!!
If you write anything else you want reviewed, please feel free to PM me!
Ofir

Hello, I'll start out with the nit picks then we'll move on:
- Minor spelling mistake in the fifth paragraph: I think you meant "couch" instead of coach.
- a few minor grammar errors, but not that many.

I am in love with this piece. I really think You put your heart out there, and I think it really had moral to it. I know exactly how you felt, if this was specifically YOU that you were writing about. I love how you were so dead on with your explanation of what happened, and exactly how you feel. I think you are a wonderful writer.
The emotion was real.
The words simply flowed beautifully.

Please continue writing, and feel free to PM me if you want another piece reviewed, or if you find a good read!

Wonderful piece.

--Ash.

i really could relate to this storty and that's what i enjoyed that the most. Your flow was good and i liked your word choices. Keep up the writing and the good work.

Hey Catri!

I just stumbled across this piece and after reading it, thought it deserved a review

So. Wow. This was full of so much emotion. Raw and real. I could feel everything that your MC was describing and that's what made it all the better - your audience was able to relate and sympathise with your MC, making it seem even more realistic.

I caught only a few things -

What am I meant to say anymore? Am I meant to tell you how I feel or am I meant to simply let it go?

You use 'meant' three times within two sentences here and although I think it works in the second, I'd suggest replacing the first 'meant' with something else.

E.g - 'What am I supposed to say anymore? Am I meant to tell you how I feel or am I meant to simply let it go?'

You held my tight against your slender frame

'my' should be 'me'

you smashed it with your bare hand.

I think 'hand' would be better as 'hands'

So, I think you did a good job on this piece. Congrats on another great story!

Thanks for the read

xDudettex

A heart-wrenching piece! And very easy to relate to. We've all experienced that one person that leaves you in the dust, your heart feeling... dirty, smothered with soot. It's a terrible feeling, but, obviously, gives inspiration for a great piece (whether or not this is secretly personal). I suggest looking back and correcting on any run-on sentences. The story is MUCH too short for those. That, and their unattractive anyway. But thanks for sharing!

~Panda;;