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A Simple Love Note



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Sat Jan 22, 2011 1:56 am
jemalew says...



It was a withering building, yet seemed timeless and relentless. It had been abandoned for quite some time; ivy was already climbing up the masonry siding of the church. The surrounding grass seemed to inch its way more towards its optimum goal of touching the sky.
Tristan laid his bike down in the tall weeds, making sure it was kept hidden where no one could potentially steal it. He crept through the tall mahogany doors, and inside, he saw rows of wooden pews and a podium where he assumed the priest used to stand behind for a sermon. Streams of light poured through the colorful stained glass, exposing the collection of dust in the air.
He trudged down the aisle, his footprints revealing the true caramel color of the carpet beneath the settled dust. A great sigh of relief escaped his lips as he plopped himself down on a pew. Leaning back, he shut his dark, tired eyes in an attempt to ease his throbbing head. What the hell is up with this hangover? I didn’t drink that much.
Tristan squinted his eyes, and tried to recall details from the previous night, because he had woken up in the grass near the riverbank that morning. All he knew was his best friend Jayden had convinced him, somehow, into going to a bonfire party near Harrington River. He had a couple of beers, and endured the annoyance of socialization. The last thing he remembered was Stella Anderson’s irritating face and obnoxious laugh as she persisted to hang around him. The rest of the night was a blur.
He let out another sigh. “Why can’t I remember anything else? My God, there’s no way I could’ve gotten that hammered. There’s just no way.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a small, wrinkled piece of paper with bubbly numbers written on it. It was Stella’s phone number, go figure.
The thought of crumpling the paper up and tossing it over his shoulder crossed his mind, but then was quickly displaced. He stuffed it back in his right pocket. Frankly, he couldn’t have cared any less about Stella’s interest in him, but he knew he would eventually get tired of everyone saying how much he should “totally get with Stella” because they would “look so cute together” and finally give in to their requests. Typical.
Light footsteps were approaching the entrance of the church. Tristan leaned forward and lifted himself off the pew, brushing the dust left on the backside of his jeans. Great, he thought, so much for peace and quiet. And just when this stupid headache began to die down . . .
The door creaked open and light flooded into the building, revealing a shadow stretched along the center aisle. As he turned around, his eyes squinted from sudden exposure to the sunlight. It was a girl, he knew that much, but the blinding light impaired his ability to see her clearly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t think anyone was going to be here.” It was very soft and subtle voice; faintly familiar.
“No it’s fine. I was just about to leave anyway-” His eyes adjusted then. Oh my God, it’s that girl, he thought. He realized that the girl standing in the entrance of the church was Mia Morris; she moved into town a few months before. He felt a bizarre chill travel through his whole body.
He never did admit it or make it apparent, but he was quite fond of this girl. She was practically the opposite of Stella, or any of the other girls we was used to being around. He exchanged a few words with her a couple of times in class, and he couldn’t help but be slightly swayed by her mysterious disposition and simplicity.
“Oh – uh – hey, Mia. What brings you here?”
“Just wanted to relax.” Her voice was shaky. She let go of the door and tried to take another step, seemingly unsure of herself. She grimaced and shuddered with every other step. Slight concern spread across his face. Oh, she’s hurt. God Tristan, you’re so freaking dumb, he thought as he rushed towards her.
Without a word, he lifted her arm over his shoulders and grasped her waist. She flinched and widened her eyes, making it clear she was uncomfortable. Tristan’s face grew slightly red, and he took his hand off of her waist and onto her shoulder instead.
“Sorry,” he muttered, and carefully guided her to a pew.
After settling down on one, she lifted her right leg and gently set it out on the worn wood. She leaned forward and carefully raised her pant leg, revealing her injured ankle. It was swelled up to what seemed like twice its normal size.
“Oh my God, what happened?” He frowned and leaned forward to get a closer look.
Mia suddenly stiffened and fell silent for a moment. Tristen thought over what he possibly could have said wrong.
She finally spoke, “I fell off my bike.” He noticed she seemed oddly apathetic about it. “There was a pot-hole in the road, and I didn’t see it in time. It’s no problem. I’ll just wait here until I can walk alright. My house isn’t that far.”
“Are you crazy? You can’t walk on that. No way.” He bit his tongue, afraid his remark might have upset her. Dang it, Tristan, you’re supposed to be Mr. Nice Guy, remember?
She slowly turned her head, and looked up at him, revealing her pale face. Her round emerald eyes met his, they were filled with sorrow. He dodged her peculiar glance. Uncomfortable silence fell upon them once again.
He scratched the back of his head, leaving his dark-brunette hair in a jumbled mess. His headache had suddenly worsened. He risked a glance at Mia, and detected a large, bloody gash near her temple as she pushed her chestnut-colored hair behind one ear. She tilted over and nearly slumped completely off the bench, but Tristan quickly pulled her back up. She had become limp.
“Okay, I’m going to take you home, whether you like it or not. You need to see a doctor.”
He bent down next to her and carefully pulled her onto his back. He wrapped her arms around his shoulders, leaned forward, and secured her legs to prevent her from falling. A slight grunt escaped her, but that was all. She was nearly all dead weight, but strangely light.
He retrieved his bike within the tall grass and placed her onto the seat. Before hopping onto the petals, he locked her arms around his waist to keep her secure. He was well aware of the embarrassing circumstances, but tried not to let it get to his head. There was no time for such immature thinking to cloud up his mind in such a serious situation.
He attempted to do so, but he couldn’t help but get a small kick out of this girl being so close to him in such a way. It was nice, but eerily familiar. He shook his head and recovered his previous state of mind.
After positioning her on the bike, Tristan cautiously rode down the church pathway. It looked as if the weeds between its stony cracks were gradually engulfing the path into the Earth.
Before continuing onto the road, he asked gently, “Where do you live? It’s not far, right?” She was still a bit disoriented, but managed to provide him with directions to her house.
The ride so far was quiet, which left Tristan wandering in his thoughts. It was then that he began to remember little bits and pieces of the night before.

* * * *

“Tristan, my man! So, you came after all!” Jayden stumbled over towards Tristan, bumping into a few lawn chairs on the way, and held a half-filled beer bottle. Tristan hopped off of his bike and leaned it carelessly against a tree, studying the scene behind his friend. A crowd of familiar kids surrounded a decent sized bonfire, some sitting in chairs. His attention snapped back to Jayden, who was handing him an ice-cold bottle of trouble. He hesitated for a moment, then gripped the neck of the bottle. By the smell of his breath, he guessed that his friend had his own fair share of the stuff.
“Oh –uh–hey man. So why exactly did you want me to come to this stupid party so bad, anyway?”
A grin spread across Jayden’s face. His words were already beginning to roll off the end of his tongue when Stella Anderson decided to cut in. Her blond, curly locks bounced as she “casually” took Jayden’s place in front of Tristan. She was wearing a shirt which made it seem as though her breasts could burst out of it at any given moment, and her shorts were short enough to be considered underwear.
“Hey Tristan, you come to join the fun?” She giggled and motioned towards the bonfire with the beer can in her hand. Her icy-blue eyes traveled down towards his feet and back up again. Tristan noticed this, but his eyes were helplessly glued to her chest. Her unbearable laughter snapped him out of his trance. She went on about some kind of nonsense, but Tristan just nodded toned her out; drifting away into his thoughts. He tried to figure out why he felt so uncomfortable around this girl; why she was so bothersome. She was hot, after all. So what was the deal?
Ah, yes. That’s it, he thought to himself, and realized the answer to his question. When Stella came around, it was as if a big fluffy pillow was being stuffed in his face. She brought with her a sense of . . . suffocation. And he didn’t enjoy it. Not one bit. She never seemed to get the message, though.
“Well, don’t just stand there.” Stella grabbed his free hand, and dragged him towards the bonfire. As they passed the open back of a truck, music boomed in their ears. Tristen was scanning the area, trying to see where Jayden ran off to. His search was interrupted by Stella tugging on his hand.
“Come on, sit down.” She had already made herself comfortable on a bench, patting her hand on the empty spot beside her. He paused for a moment, hoping Jayden would appear and pull him away. Stella gave him an odd look that he didn’t quite understand. He let out a quiet sigh, and sat down beside her.
Fifteen minutes passed by a lot slower than Tristan would have liked, especially with Stella practically telling her whole life story. He eyed the drink in his hand, and finally pried the cap off. I’m gonna need this, he moaned in his head.
A brilliant idea came to him, and his face lit up with hope. He cleared his throat and interrupted her as politely as possible.
“Um, sorry, but I have to go take a leak.”
“It’s okay. I’ll be waiting for you.” She smiled and kept her eyes glued to him until he was out of sight amongst the bushes. The bottle sitting on the bench in his place was open. She first made sure the coast was clear, then pulled out a small plastic bag which contained sedatives crushed up into powder. She smiled as she emptied the bag into Tristan’s drink.
“It’s about time for him to love me back. I can’t wait forever,” she mumbled to herself while shaking the bottle. “This little love potion better work.”


Half an hour had already passed, yet Stella still held him captive. It wasn’t so bad, because he had a couple of drinks to help. She had persisted to tug his arm and ask if he wanted to dance. Eventually, her pleading escalated into whining. He had only drunk half of the fourth bottle before finally giving in. He could feel the alcohol working its magic. He felt at ease; he felt he could handle anything at that point. Even Stella.
As soon as he agreed to dance with her, Stella’s face lit up with a strange smile. She squeezed his hand and pulled him up from the bench, heading towards the bonfire where the music was louder. As he rose from the bench, he felt as if his whole body was gradually sinking farther into the ground with every step. He struggled to walk normally, but Stella dragged him along harder. He stumbled a few times, trying to regain his composure.
“Whoa, I really need to chill,” Tristan said under his breath. Stella finally came to a halt, but ceased to let go of his hand. She turned around to face him and comfortably wrapped her arms around his neck. Her scent filled his nostrils. It was thick, and smelled like an unbearable, berry scented candle. It made his head spin even more than it already was.

Ten minutes had already passed, consisting of Stella constantly pulling on him to keep him balanced and rubbing her body against his. He assumed she considered this dancing, but wouldn’t have known the difference either way. He guessed Stella had whispered sweet nothings into his ear, but her voice sounded too muffled for him to understand her. He could feel his mind slipping away, and his vision began to blur. The loud music would occasionally fade to a quiet thump, as if he were deep underwater.
Jayden popped out of what seemed like nowhere, which he tended to do often.
Tristan flinched and instantly broke away from Stella’s grip.
“Holy crap! You scared the shit out of me, dude!” His words were starting to slur.
Jayden tugged on his sleeve and started away from the bonfire. Tristan happily trotted along behind him, not paying any attention to the blood rushing to Stella’s face as she watched her prey being snatched away.
He tumbled along behind Jayden into a partially secluded area near the woods, which was dark and almost looked as if it was haunted.
“I meant to tell you this earlier, but there’s a reason why I invited you here. You see,” He turned and pointed towards the woods, near where the river bank was located. “I brought you something, and she’s right over there.”
He grinned, and observed the puzzled look on Tristan’s face.
“You don’t know what I’m gettin’ at, do you?” Jayden kept the grin. Tristan shook his head.
“Dude! I bribed Mia Morris into coming here, and she’s over there near the river right now. She’s too shy to join the party apparently, so she’s been sitting over there by herself. I talked to her for a little bit, and she seems cool. You remember her, right?”
Tristan had a bewildered look on his face, as if his friend was speaking in some bizarre language. Without realizing it, he was slowly tilting forward. He almost fell flat on his face, but Jayden pushed him back up.
“Jeez, you must have had over twenty beers! When did you become the drunken party animal? That’s my job.” He chuckled at the thought, and snapped his fingers in Tristan’s dazed face.
“Hey, wake up! Anyways, like I was saying before. It’s pretty obvious that you don’t like Stella, and I’ve seen the way you looked at that Mia girl before. So, I decided to try and hook you guys up. This is your chance to finally get a girl, man!”
Tristan gawked at Jayden and took a minute to let everything sink in.
“S – so this is why I’m here? Jay, I don’t think so -”
“Ugh! You’re killing me man! What’re you, gay? I can tell that you got a thing for that chick, Tristan. Go for it! You need to loosen up, get a girl, and have a little fun for once. And this could be a good start if you’d just cooperate. Now are you with me?!”
Tristan paused once again to try and wrap his mind around the situation. He felt that feeling again, that feeling that he could take on anything. He felt fearless; which he knew wasn’t like him at all.
Ah, what the hell. Why not? He thought.
“Alright man. I guess I’ll go for it. I won’t promise anything crazy, though.” Tristan regained his composure and attempted to stand up straight. He still felt faint, but he could also feel adrenaline pumping through his veins. Jayden patted his shoulder and started walking towards the wooded area close to the river.
As they headed off into the dark woods, Tristan asked, “Wait, how d – did you even get her to come here?” His voice continued to slur.
“I told you already. I bribed her. You see, I’ve been doing this whole matchmaker thing with you and her for a while, and I’ve noticed that she’s actually got the hots for you too, my friend. She didn’t want to come at first, but after I told her you would be here, she accepted the invitation.”
“Psshhh. I don’t believe that.” Tristan was smiling from ear to ear.
Jayden laughed, “Believe what you want, but we’re here now, so it’s time to make your move.” They both stepped out into an open, grassy area. The Harrington River was behind it, its rushing waters muted the thumping music from the party.
Sitting at the very edge of the steep, rocky riverbank, was Mia Morris. She was gazing dreamily at the water, had her arms crossed over her knees, with her chin resting on top. She snapped out of her trance when she spotted the boys out of the corner of her eye.
Tristan trailed closely behind Jayden as they approached her. Some of his confidence from before was sucked away when he accidently glanced into her big green eyes. It was unbelievable how they still seemed to glisten, even in the dark.
Jayden sat down next to Mia on the right and commanded Tristan, with his eyes, to sit on the grass to the left of her. He obeyed.
“I brought you some company. This is my best friend, Tristan Davidson. And Tristan, this is the lovely Mia Morris. I do believe you two have met before, am I correct?” Mia and Tristan both gave him awkward looks, but no answer.
“I – uh – think so.” Tristan finally spoke. His friend presented a reassuring smile and lifted himself from the grass.
“Well, I think I’m gonna head back to the party, now. I don’t feel like hanging out with you party-poopers, to be honest. Mia, it was nice talkin’ to you earlier. And Tristan, see you later buddy.” As he turned to leave, he gave Tristan a quick thumbs up.
Tristan’s lightheadedness faded in and out, but he managed to start the conversation.
“So?”
Mia stretched her legs out in front of her and leaned back onto her palms.
“So.” She responded quietly.
Tristan altered his view from the grass to the water beyond the bank. The moonlight illuminated the river beautifully, and the sound of the moving water was soothing. He began to feel calm, then took the chance of glancing at Mia. Her attire consisted of dark blue jeans, a purple T-shirt, and white tennis shoes. Nothing flashy, obnoxious, or revealing. She was looking out into the distance; the moonlight exposed her fair skin and rosy cheeks. He could see she wasn’t wearing any makeup, and from where he was looking then, he could see why. She didn’t need it. Impulse then took over his words,
“You look really nice.”
Mia immediately looked down. Her hair fell over her face.
“Thanks.” She said softly, “Y – you do too.” Although her hair covered her face, he could sense she was blushing wildly.

Half an hour had passed so fast, it had seemed like only a few minutes. By that time, Tristan had already gotten bucketfuls of giggles out of Mia. He was completely comfortable around her, and he felt as if he had known her all his life. They were both lying down on their backs in the grass, sharing little tid-bits about each other. Mia began to notice his words were excessively slurred and that he could barely keep his eyes open. Before she could ask him what was wrong, he had already begun to say something else.
“Y-you know what, Mia? I – I’ve liked you for a – a while.” It was almost impossible to decipher his words, but Mia knew exactly what he was saying. She had the same exact words floating around in her head the entire time. Her eyes grew wide as she shuffled her feet.
“You might not believe me, b – but I really have. A – And now, I like you e – even more.” He turned his head to the right, where Mia laid. Her cheeks were no longer rosy, they were fiery. Sweet silence fell upon them.
“I –” She glanced over at Tristan and saw that his eyes were completely closed. His face was completely relaxed except for a small hint of a smile. She smiled along with him.

* * * *

He began to pedal slower while riding up a hill. The sun beamed down on his head, causing beads of sweat to run down his forehead and into his eye.
“Ahh! Shit, that burns!” He suddenly stopped the bike and struggled to keep it balanced. He felt Mia’s arms tighten around his waist. She was trembling. “It’s alright, I just got sweat in my eye.”
“Please don’t let me fall again, Tristan.” It sounded like she was on the verge of tears. Tristan quickly reassured her,
“O – Okay. Don’t worry, I got you.”
During the few minutes of silence that followed, he continued to think about the night before.
“Hey, do you remember us ever – uh – talking last night at all?”
She continued to squeeze his waist without saying a word. He didn’t want to trouble her
anymore, so he stayed silent the whole rest of the way. He also liked the silence. He felt a warm feeling of comfort around this girl for some reason. He felt like he could just quietly ride with her like this forever.
“Okay, I’m assuming this is your house. It is, right?” Tristan turned his head and looked behind him, waiting for a response. She had her head leaning against his upper back, and simply nodded. He rode up the driveway and set the bike up against the garage door. Mia stayed put on the bike while Tristan went towards the front door.
He rang the door bell, and after a couple seconds, the other side of the door handle clicked. A woman opened the door, it was apparent that she had been crying. He guessed it was Mia’s mother, because the sorrowful look in her eyes matched the look in Mia’s eyes at the church.
“May I help you, young man?” She said in a broken, yet soft voice.
“Um – I came to drop off your daughter. She had a bike accident a couple blocks away and I - ”
“Excuse me, young man, but is this some kind of joke?” The woman was near tears.
Great, Tristan, now you’re making a poor woman cry. What am I doing wrong here?

* * * *

She spotted a scrap of paper and a pen sticking out of his pant pocket, and gently pulled them out. On one side of the paper, there was already something written, but it was too dark outside to see; so she turned it over on the blank side and scribbled something down. As she reached to put the pen and paper back into his pocket, a thunderous voice roared from behind,
“What do you think you’re doing?” Stella was stomping towards her from the woods. Mia rose up from the grass, bewildered. Without thinking, she knelt down next to Tristan and shook his shoulder.
“Tristan, get u -”
“Who the hell do you think you are, bitch?! Get your hands off of him!” Stella charged towards her and shoved Mia away from Tristan. She fell hard on her back, and cupped the back of her head with both of her hands. She grimaced from the pain, and from the stench of alcohol in Stella’s breath.
Stella rushed towards Tristan and knelt down beside him, nearly falling over. She shook him vigorously.
“Tristan, get your ass up! So this is what you left me for? You left me to be over here with her?!” She suddenly stopped and glared at Mia, who was now on her feet.
“What were you guys doing, huh? Messing around? Huh? Is that why you were lying down with him, trying to feel him up or something?”
“Uh – n – no! That’s not –”
“Shut up! I’m not dumb. I know you’ve been trying some of your slutty tricks on my Tristan. Go back to wherever the hell you lived before and stay there! I don’t want you here taking what’s mine. Hands off, you got that?!”
The moonlight exposed Stella’s make-up smeared face; the look in her eyes was terrifyingly vicious.
“What is your problem? You’re crazy!” Mia’s whole body was trembling from fear, confusion, and frustration. She had no idea what to do or how to escape from this beast. She also didn’t want to leave Tristan behind.
After that remark, rage blazed in Stella’s piercing eyes as she charged towards Mia once again; this time with full force. Mia wanted to move, but she seemed paralyzed; dumbstruck.
Stella roared as she plunged onto Mia, expecting her to crash to the ground. She fell down herself, but when she looked back up, all she saw was the moon and the river.
All of her rage drained completely out of her system at that moment. She wearily lifted herself from the ground and walked towards the bank. She stood there, looking down the steep hill of rock and stone leading to the hungry water. Mia was nowhere in sight.

* * * *

“Um, no ma’am this isn’t a joke. I was just saying that your daughter has a sprained ankle from a biking accident, so I decided to bring her home with my bike.” Tristan’s voice was now shaky. He was unsure of himself. The more he talked, the more astonished the woman became.
“Ma’am, is th - there something wrong?” Tristan couldn’t look at her in the eye.
A man came from behind the woman and asked, “What’s going on, dear?” He looked at the woman, then at Tristan. He gently led her back into the house, and after a minute or two, the man approached the door by himself.
“I’m sorry about that. You don’t know, do you boy?” He sounded very quiet and brittle. Tristan scratched the back of his head in confusion, and risked a glance in the man’s eyes. They were green, like Mia’s. It was her father.
“Know about what, sir?”
“Whoever you brought here is not our daughter.” He paused and looked up to the sky, trying to hold back the tears. “Our daughter, Mia. She’s dead.”
Tristan’s lips began to quiver. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
“We got a call earlier this morning. They found her body washed up somewhere from the river. It’s all over the news and everything.” The man buried his head in his hands and heavily sobbed.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he backed away and lightly shut the door.
Tristan stared blankly at the door for a few seconds, and then altered his view to his bike. There was nobody. No injured girl. No Mia.
He walked closer to the bike, shaking all over, and spotted something neatly placed on the seat. It was a small, crumpled piece of paper.
He realized there was something written on the back, something he didn’t notice before. He turned it over, and it read, “I like you too. –Mia”
  





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Sat Jan 22, 2011 6:04 pm
Jetpack says...



Hey, jemalew, and welcome to YWS! Two tips for posting work: the more you review, the more likely you are to get reviewed; and sometimes, with a long piece, it can be easier to split it into parts for posting. Having said that, I didn't find this too long to go through and I'm usually a flash fiction/short chapter purist. I should probably also point out that I usually nitpick and this kind of review is not really my strong point, but I've done my best. I wasn't trying to be harsh in my criticisms, so please don't take it the wrong way. :)

I'm also a big fan of ghost stories, but I found that this ending came out of the blue. It doesn't seem to fit the tone of the piece up until that point, and we don't really have much to go on. I had a general idea something wasn't right when Mia first appeared, but it could have been chalked up to character-building rather than a hint at ghostliness. There's nothing to suggest the plausibility of ghosts or even an atmosphere of eerieness. There are reasons for it, and a few ways that this can be remedied, or at least lessened, so the ending is legitimately surprising without also being somewhat out of place.

Firstly, the organisation. The flashbacks are kind of random, for lack of a better word. I think this is mainly because of your opening. We need to see Tristan wake up in the grass near the river bank, and we need to see him wonder at his situation before he decides to go into the church. As it is, that information is just told to us without much description and glossed over, so we don't feel it's important. Starting with the unexplained situation will draw attention to it and foster the reader's desire for the explanation. In opening with the church, you draw attention to the location, which is somewhat irrelevent given the corporeal nature of the ghost.

Also, the description of the church is more tell, than show. Take your first sentence.

It was a withering building, yet seemed timeless and relentless.


How can a church be "relentless"? There's also the use of "withering", which is unfortunate because "withering" has a double meaning, and it's not clear which you're going for. I know the feelings you're aiming to invoke in your reader towards this church, but this sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. You have to know when to use description and when to let your prose speak for itself. Let's take a simpler example.

colorful stained glass


Stained glass is colourful by default, so you don't need the adjective. Gratuitous description is fine when you're attempting to build an atmosphere, but I don't get the atmosphere I associate with ghosts from these paragraph. The church doesn't seem threatening, or cold. If you're going to use the setting, make the most of it and associate it with fear, and confusion, to match your main character's mood. Keep reminding us of the question - what happened last night?

This is a relatively minor nitpick, actually, but you mention that Tristan is remembering the night's events. If he's remembering them, why doesn't he react to Mia later on? Why would it be any trouble for him to tell her that he remembers their conversation? That, too, might bring up a few awkward answers from Mia that contribute to a sense of unease around her. Secondly, how does he remember Stella turning up, as it seems that he was unconscious at the time? It's just something to think about in the way you bring up those flashbacks. Perhaps it might be better to break them down. After all, at the moment they are quite chunky and provide a significant break in the original narrative.

So, that's the confusion addressed. Now, I love your dialogue between Mia and Tristan. I don't think we need to see much more of them as characters as we do here, because the story basically revolve around their relationship rather than the two of them as individuals. However, you could expand on the quirks of that relationship, particularly in the half an hour they're together. Mia says very little overall, and I was left slightly perplexed as to what the two of them have in common.

The character who receives least attention is Stella. She's pretty much a cardboard cutout at the moment, and her actions are completely unjustifiable from any point of view. What's her motivation for attacking Mia, really? Why does her fixation with Tristan reach such a heightened point? Is it a reflection on his character that he hasn't put an end to it? Her actions in this story suggest she's wholly unstable, but nobody remarks on it, nor is it addressed. She needs to be developed more if Mia's death is to feel fairly real to us.

I'd fill out some character sheets on Stella and search the YWS Knowledge Base as well as here for some tips on characterisation. The problem with Stella is that it's really her actions which are crucial to the plot, yet she doesn't seem like a real person. It's completely understandable that Tristan doesn't like her considering her actions, but it's not clear why anyone else would like her, or why she would even act that way in the first place.

Overall, I think you should just take your time over this piece, if you go back to edit it. Think about your characters, and where you can add mannerisms or dialogue that might develop them. Think about opportunities to build the atmosphere, so the ending is justified. Actually, I love the last line, but I don't think we really know anybody well enough at that point to feel its impact. You're not rushing to get the story out - play around with the description and perhaps balance the time spent with the two girls at the party in Mia's favour, rather than Stella's. I know I've not been very helpful specifically, but I hope I've given some useful general feedback.

- Jet.
  





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Sun Jan 30, 2011 6:06 pm
wonderland says...



Alright, so, this was long. Very long.
I'd suggest breaking it into parts, so it's easier for your readers to read it. It was long, and I'm heavily ADHD. It was very long and hard thing to keep reading and connect back to the main conflict.
What was the main conflict? It seems that there really wasn't one, just a bunch of talking and details.

I found that your ending was completely random, and unfitting to the story. In fact, I had to go back to see if there was a Mia in the story, as it was so long I couldn't remember. You leave the reader asking questions, such as 'who, 'how', and 'why'-specifically, why is this important? Why was Mia's death important, I didn't understand that, at all.

Overall-
My suggestions were to break it up, add some musing of a conflict, and answer major questions.

~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*
  





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Sun Jan 30, 2011 7:54 pm
Kale says...



Jetpack already covered what I wanted to say with regards to description and characterization, so I'll just be focusing on the consistency.

Basically, there were a number of inconsistencies within the structure of the story. In the first flashback scene, we are in Tristan's viewpoint, but then suddenly it switches to Stella, and then it's back to Tristan without any warning. It's rather jarring to read. Another inconsistency was with Mia's state of consciousness. Inside the church, it's described as if she completely passed out, yet apparently she's conscious enough to respond to Tristan's questions? But then it goes back to her being unconscious.

If Mia is sliding in and out of consciousness, then you need to make mention of this somehow. Maybe have Tristan maybe feel that she's shifted position, or hear her call his name.

As for Stella's sudden PoV switch, since the information about the drugging is important, I suggest moving the information later on, perhaps even having an entire scene in Stella's point of view to help flesh out her motivations and character.

Overall, you did a pretty good job portraying Mia and Tristan's relationship within the flashback scenes, but otherwise there was nothing particularly outstanding about this story. As Jetpack already mentioned, the ghost element comes pretty much out of nowhere, though even so, it is an extremely common story element, as is that of the jealous woman killing her favored rival. In addition, the characters are quite flat and can easily be assigned stock characterizations. Tristan, for instance, is the Nice Guy.

Basically, this read as a fairly typical romance story, and so doesn't strike me as particularly memorable. Though considering that I don't generally like romance, that's probably a good thing.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
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88 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 648
Reviews: 88
Sun Jan 30, 2011 9:30 pm
lovethelifeulive says...



Hi!
I really enjoyed reading this! I love your way of writing!
This was a wonderful story and of course, my favorite part was the end:
He realized there was something written on the back, something he didn’t notice before. He turned it over, and it read, “I like you too. –Mia”

It was wonderful and bright.
I really loved it and enjoyed it.
Again, it was brilliant I I hope to read more like this from you.
Thanks for posting it!
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
Love the life u live,
and live the life u love
  





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29 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Sun Jan 30, 2011 10:12 pm
cassidyrose says...



Hello! Welcome to YWS! I am CassidyRose, and I shall be your reviewer today!

First off, for a beginner, this was very good. I remember first coming to YWS and getting bad reveiws pn what not to do.

But I am not going to do that to you.

And instead of being a victim, today you are just going to be a normal person.

Only a few things were wrong here... just a few grammar and spelling. You might want to watch those, and make sure they are not done wrong.

Other then that, you are doing pretty good. Keep writing, and make sure that it ends up being slightly creepy and mysterious, like the end of this chapter. That is what makes a good ghost story!

Pm me when you post another chapter, or whatever.

cassidyRose
I have no idea what to put so I am writing random things. There. That should be enough.
  








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