I know you.

I don't know fate works, but I do know it likes to be funny. I know that we went through three months of school before I even knew who you were, in my defense, it's a big school. On top of that, it took me even longer to remember your name, or even care if you sat down with us at lunch. I know that one day it miraculously changed, I now know your name, I now know your face, I now know your voice, I now know you. The question, do you know me? The answer, no. But would I like you to? More than anyting in the world.

I see you everyday, we share some of the same friends, it's inevitable. But I know you don't see me, who would?
Everyday, I feel my heart flip inside my chest, I hear my words come out in a stutter. I know it is crazy, I don't even know you, but I feel like I do. I feel like I should.

It's before school starts and as always, there is a large group of us standing in the hallway, constantly being asked to move, but who listens? No one. Out of the corner of my eye, I see you walking down the hallways, toward us, toward me. That's when I feel the elbow in my ribs and hear the snicker of my chums, "Look who it is." they tease. They know what I'm thinking, they can see my face light up. But no, you are not walking towards me, just us as a group. You stand over with your friends and make rude comments about the teacher no one likes, or the easy girl. You are just being teenage boys but I wish you were my teenage boy.

It is lunchtime, we are in the cafeteria, it's crowded, what else is new? You have entered the room, that's what. My heart is racing a million beats a second and I know my face is going red, but who cares? I am hoping you will sit over here, but when you don't, I hate it. I hate the sinking feeling that captures my heart when you don't fill up the empty chair a little to the left and across from me. My heart is wrenched, falling down to my stomach. Yet when you do sit over here, my heart soars to the sky, free as a bird, careless. I wish I could tell you it all, I wish you could know what I feel. I wish you could know the way you make my heart flutter, the way you make me smile, and the way you make me stutter. I wish you could know that you make me want to write a sappy love poem, that your beautiful, and that I love that your hair seems to have never seen a comb. Look what you've done, you've got me rhyming, I am writing a sappy love poem.

It's after school, classes are done, I race up to my locker on the third floor and back down to the first, where yours is located. I walk casually down the hallway, hoping to catch one last glimpse of you before I go home. Someting to tide me over until the next morning. As my eyes fall upon your signature jacket and your deep eyes, I am thankful for how many friends I have with lockers in this hallway, the perfect excuse. There is a small smile on my face, on my lips and in my eyes, but I know you don't see it. Why would you notice me now?

If there is anything I know, it's that you are always on my mind and forever on my heart. I know that I'm a fool, I'm lovesick, I'm crazy, that's it, that's all. Boy, you drove me to this crazy, you drive me crazy. You don't know be, but I know you, and I'm crazy in love.

I. LOVE. THIS. It's just so realistic. And the description blows me away. This is written so beuatifully. But, be sure to re-read this because you have many mistakes (spelling). Other than that, it blows me away.
Keep Writing!
Nike
PM me anytime, and maybe when you add another part!

Love how this can refeer to every girl
one problem i find it more a poem/blog than a story try at add a personality to it and a story line but other wise i think it's really good we get to know what the writter is thinking and feeling i'm liking the bounce to it an how this person writting this goes on how crazy she is about a simple guy
kepp going really goood!!

Hiya! Okay, I totally relate to this. You have no idea how much I relate to this. Seriously. Anyhoo, I would just work on spelling... that's probably the biggest error in this. I really enjoy this because it doesn't just show how you feel, it shows how EVERY girl feels. This was great!
Keep writing,
~Luxy

Well, I couldn't quite figure out whether it was a girl or boy talking. And I loved all the descriptions but I got lost in it all. I thought it was pretty good, but you leave the reader confused. What happens? I know if readers are like me, you have to write more. If this is going to be short story give some back detail abou the character.(possibly gender). I do love your ability to describe everything with such depth. But at some points I was trying to figure out what the character was describing and got lost with the plot. I woul love if you just elaborated a little more on the plot, set, character etc. But other than that what you have so far is prettyyy good

Does somebody maybe want to point out my spelling errors? I am terrible at editing my own work in that sense.

Hey, welcome to YWS!

I don't know fate works, but I do know it likes to be funny.

As first lines go, this one is kind of...okay. It doesn't really make me want to keep reading, but it doesn't put me off either. It came across as a little... 'blog'ish if you know what I mean. Because this short story is speaking directly at someone, it took me a few moments to fall into the style, if you know what I mean. I don't particularly like this style myself, but that's probably just me, it's obvious that a lot of people relate to this and that's great!

Back to this first line, I think you could probably think of a more interesting way to start this piece off. Something that is a bit more provocative, something to make the reader stop and think.

The other problem I have with it, is I don't actually see how it relates to the rest of the piece. You go on to talk about how the protagonist loves this one guy, and I know people love to relate love to fate, but it is not one and the same. How is her falling in love with this particular guy fate? it happens all the time, people fall into love (or think they do) with people who barely know they exist almost constantly. Why is this one so fateful?

I now know your name, I now know your face, I now know your voice, I now know you.

I hear my words come out in a stutter. I know it is crazy, I don't even know you, but I feel like I do. I feel like I should.

These two lines seem to contradict. She knows him and she doesn't know him but should?

I wish I could tell you it all, I wish you could know what I feel. I wish you could know the way you make my heart flutter, the way you make me smile, and the way you make me stutter. I wish you could know that you make me want to write a sappy love poem, that your beautiful, and that I love that your hair seems to have never seen a comb. Look what you've done, you've got me rhyming, I am writing a sappy love poem.

I will tell you now, I don't like this passage. I do, however, think it's clever. It pretty much captures what it's like to have a crush and go on romantic flights of fancy and start writing sappy poems in the back cover of your maths book. It's still a poem that makes me cringe, but I guess it's kind of supposed to. It's not often that the scrawls in the back of my own maths books ever made me not cringe about a month later.

You don't know be, but I know you, and I'm crazy in love.

Be should be me. And as a last line, it doesn't really give the impact that I would love to see. It's a phrase well used by teenagers everywhere, and I would love to see something a little more lasting and impacting to tie up this, overall, well written piece.

Overall, I think you have pretty much captured perfectly what it's like to have a crush on someone in class. I know I have felt like this before, and wouldn't be surprised if most of us have at some point and could relate to this completely. You've captured that essence of 'first love', which is great. It's not my cup of tea, but you may be able to guess by now, I'm not really a romance fan. Saying that, this seems well written, thought out and is kind of sweet in its innocence. Well done =D

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to PM me.

-Nutty

Finally! A realistic love story! But, here goes my reply... OH EM GEE I love it!!!!!!!!!!:D Great detail, great description, great everything! There are a few spelling errors, but the awesomeness of the whole poem overpowers the spelling errors. Amazing job!!!!!!!!

This is an amazing story (well as it has been said before it isn't really a story but still good!) and it is easy to reate to. It deserves every like that it recieved and has earned a spot on the Featured Works. Keep up the good work an who knos how many more featured spots you will get.
-Jem

This idea isn't unique or original at all, but somehow I couldn't stop reading! You made it so relate-able. Any girl (or boy) knows what it feels like to have a crush, and you captured the feeling well!

My only critique is that I wish there had been some sort of exchange of dialogue between the MC and her crush in the end. I want more .

Anyway, Good job!

SafeHouse wrote:I don't know fate works, but I do know it likes to be funny.Wonderful opening line- it's interesting, grabs the reader, without actually limiting your piece to some type of stereotype. Great first impression. I know that we went through three months of school before I even knew who you were,I might suggest making this two separate sentences- the rhythm is awkward. in my defense, it's a big school. On top of that, it took me even longer to remember your name, or even care if you sat down with us at lunch. I know that one day it miraculously changed, I now know your name, I now know your face, I now know your voice, I now know you. The question is, do you know me? The answer, no. But would I like you to? More than anything in the world.

I see you everyday, we share some of the same friends, it's inevitable. But I know you don't see me, who would?
Everyday, I feel my heart flip inside my chest, I hear my words come out in a stutter.What words? Do you mean whenever she talks around him at all? I would specify, as nitpicky as that seems. I know it is crazy, I don't even know you, but I feel like I do. I feel like I should.

It's before school starts and as always, there is a large group of us standing in the hallway, constantly being asked to move, but who listens? No one. Out of the corner of my eye, I see you walking down the hallways, toward us, toward me. That's when I feel the elbow in my ribs and hear the snicker of my chums, "Look who it is." they tease. They know what I'm thinking, they can see my face light up. But no, you are not walking towards me, just us as a group. You stand over with your friends and make rude comments about the teacher no one likes, or the easy girl. Honestly, he kind of sounds immature right here- not really someone interesting. Not all teenage boys talk about shallow things.You are just being teenage boys but I wish you were my teenage boy.

So, you start off by saying that you don't really care about him or anything, but that changed in one day. Then you started, and it sounded like you were going to describe that day. Then you launched in, and described how nervous you were around him and everything, as if you were already infatuated. Seems a bit odd. You never described that one day, though that seemed to be where you were going.
It is lunchtime, we are in the cafeteria, I'd make these two separate sentences. it's crowded, what else is new? You have entered the room, that's what. My heart is racing a million beats a second and I know my face is going red, but who cares? I am hoping you will sit over here, but I would do either "I hope that you'll sit over here, and when you don't, I hate it." or I hope that you'll sit over here, but you don't. I hate it.when you don't, I hate it. I hate the sinking feeling that captures my heart when you don't fill up the empty chair a little to the left and across from me. My heart is wrenched, falling down to my stomach. Yet when you do sit over here,So did he just change seats? Or is this is a past experience- clarify. I know what you mean, but it sounds awkward. my heart soars to the sky, free as a bird, careless. I wish I could tell you it all, I wish you could know what maybe "how" instead of "what"? I feel. I wish you could know the way you make my heart flutter, the way you make me smile, and the way you make me stutter. I wish you could know that you make me want to write a sappy love poem, that your you're beautiful, and that I love that your hair seems to have never seen a comb. Look what you've done, you've got me rhyming,Another sentence. I am writing a sappy love poem.

It's after school, classes are done, Separate sentences.I race up to my locker on the third floor and back down to the first, where yours is located. I Switch "casually" and "walk" for it to flow a bit smoother.walk casually down the hallway, hoping to catch one last glimpse of you before I go home. Someting to Maybe "hold" instead of "tide"?tide me over until the next morning. As my eyes fall upon your signature jacket and your deep eyes, I am thankful for how many friends I have with lockers in this hallway,Maybe "who make a perfect excuse"? the perfect excuse. There is a small smile on my face, on my lips and in my eyes, but I know you don't see it. Why would you notice me now?

If there is anything I know, it's that you are always on my mind and forever on my heart. I know that I'm a fool, I'm lovesick, I'm crazy, that's it, that's all. Boy, you drove me to this crazy, you drive me crazy. You don't know be?, but I know you, and I'm crazy in love.

Overall:

This was a great concept. The execution is nice too, but I think that you could fix this up a bit. Using present tense is a bit awkward to read, at least for me. It has to be done realllly well in order for it to work really well. Also, decide whether you're going to use infinitives or "ing" verbs, and stick with it. The "one day" thing towards the beginning was a bit confusing. You left out a great deal of words and had some grammar mistakes, but those are easily solved- just over it again. I would also think about perhaps playing with your vocabulary a little bit.
The biggest problem in this piece were the comma splices. Comma splices really make the flow of a piece weird to read, even though it might look correct. I would go through and fix them up.
Great conclusion.
Nice piece.

-Coral-

I really liked this. I think it's something every girl out there can relate to. Corrections are bolded

SafeHouse wrote:I don't know fate works, but I do know it likes to be funny. I know that we went through three months of school before I even knew who you were (In my defense, it is a big school) . On top of that, it took me even longer to remember your name, or even care if you sat down with us at lunch. I know that one day it miraculously changed, I now know your name, I now know your face, I now know your voice, I now know you. The question is, do you know me? The answer, no. But would I like you to? More than anyting in the world.

I see you everyday, we share some of the same friends, it's inevitable. But I know you don't see me, who would?
Everyday, I feel my heart flip inside my chest, I hear my words come out in a stutter. I know it is crazy, I don't even know you, but I feel like I do. I feel like I should.

It's before school starts and as always, there is a large group of us standing in the hallway, constantly being asked to move, but who listens? No one. Out of the corner of my eye, I see you walking down the hallways, toward us, toward me. That's when I feel the elbow in my ribs and hear the snicker of my chums. "Look who it is," they tease. They know what I'm thinking, they can see my face light up. But no, you are not walking towards me, just us as a group. You stand over with your friends and make rude comments about the teacher no one likes, or the easy girl. You are just being teenage boys but I wish you were my teenage boy.

It is lunchtime, we are in the cafeteria, it's crowded, what else is new? You have entered the room, that's what. Side note: I really liked this line My heart is racing a million beats a second and I know my face is going red, but who cares? I am hoping you will sit over here, but when you don't, I hate it. I hate the sinking feeling that captures my heart when you don't fill up the empty chair a little to the left and across from me. My heart is wrenched, falling down to my stomach. Yet when you do sit over here, my heart soars to the sky, free as a bird, careless. I wish I could tell you it all, I wish you could know what I feel. I wish you could know the way you make my heart flutter, the way you make me smile, and the way you make me stutter. I wish you could know that you make me want to write a sappy love poem, that your beautiful, and that I love that your hair seems to have never seen a comb. Look what you've done, you've got me rhyming, I am writing a sappy love poem.

It's after school, classes are done, I race up to my locker on the third floor and back down to the first, where yours is located. I walk casually down the hallway, hoping to catch one last glimpse of you before I go home. Someting to tide me over until the next morning. As my eyes fall upon your signature jacket and your deep eyes, I am thankful for how many friends I have with lockers in this hallway, the perfect excuse. There is a small smile on my face, on my lips and in my eyes, but I know you don't see it. Why would you notice me now?

If there is anything I know, it's that you are always on my mind and forever on my heart. I know that I'm a fool, I'm lovesick, I'm crazy, that's it, that's all. Boy, you drove me to this crazy, you drive me crazy. You don't know me, but I know you, and I'm crazy in love.

I LOVE THIS! These are just a few nitpicks I saw and they're just my opinion. You don't have to use them if you don't want to. Overall, great job.

HWOW! I know a lot had already said this, but I'm going to say it all over again anyway. I.LOVE.THIS and I COULD RELATE TO THIS TOO, making me love it all the more.
So this style is fresh. I like it. It's so realistic. *likes*
Anyway, keep writing and tell us if you're posting another one, okay?

-KAT <3

No offense, but my opinion of this piece is different then the others. I didn't really like it.

You have excellent potential. I enjoyed the common thread through the storyline, the 'I know you' fraction which is a pretty big thing after all it is what you titled the story. It gives the impression of the story being complete. Though even then, you used it quite often, almost too often and kind of takes away the emotional part of it. Sometimes you threw it in there when it didn't make quite so much sense, and you liked to contradict yourself. For example; right in the beginning you had this line;

I know that one day it miraculously changed, I now know your name, I now know your face, I now know your voice, I now know you.

And shortly after you say this;

I know it is crazy, I don't even know you, but I feel like I do. I feel like I should.

A person above me picked this up, but I want to emphasize it a bit more.

This common thread in your story is a great way to put it together, but when the common thread is contradicted and doesnt make much sense. But yes, that can easily be changed. What I am trying to get at is because the second line I believe you were trying to get it accross that the character doesn't know them on an intimate level, but only knows them in the conventional level. For me, the line; 'I know you' is so passionate. How you used it in some parts of the story coincided with that impression. And for me, that passion and emotion is what can define a story and make romance tolerable. But the character doesn't actually 'know' them in that sense. The character has only spoken to them a couple of times or so it seems.

Your character seems to be lost in infatuation and not actually love and that makes this story a piece that is wasted. It can be so much more. If that was the point of the story, if that was the proof to show the difference between love and infatuation then you should make that clear. But other wise, it is not believeable for me. Call me heartless or call me a fool, but in all my experience, it appears that this character has fallen in love with the idea of being in love with him; and that is not the purpose of this story.

But alas, I don't expect many teenage girls actually realize the difference between such a thing. If this was merely a crush, the whole world wouldnt revolve around him, but it takes time to actually know who he is and then you can call that love. For me, your line through the whole story of 'I know you' was wasted on teenage trivalry. That is my opinion.

I also have to agree with LauRux when they said;

LauRux wrote:This idea isn't unique or original at all

It is true. You should make it special in one way or another. I got the impression from the writing though that you are going through this currently or have gone through it in the past and I am sorry if my above comment got you angry. I was giving my honest opinion on that matter. I believe that is why you wrote this piece in the first place, to capture your emotions and put them down onto paper, use your distress to make something new. I do it all the time. But you should try to make your stories unique even if it was just an out pouring of your soul. There are thousands of stories like this out there, and what defines yours from other peoples? What makes yours memorable and different?

You have great writing style, just adjust your commas as I believe someone above told you to do, and make sure you catch those small spelling errors like the 'be' which should be 'me'. I also think you repeat yourself and it gets quite redundant. I know I am guilty of the same thing, so its all good. Just work out those knots and you will be all set.

I would love to read more of your work though, and trust me, I am not usually this opinionated in my reviews. I just want you to see both sides of the spectrum. If you have any questions, PM me.

Much regards,
~Incognito