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xSafeHouse wrote:I don't know fate works, but I do know it likes to be funny. I know that we went through three months of school before I even knew who you were, andin my defense, it's a big school. On top of that, it took me even longer to remember your name, or deleted 'even'care if you sat down with us at lunch. I know that one day it miraculously changed,get rid of the comma and put a period. Also, in my humble opinion it would be better if you gave just a quick bit about the incident or moment that your MC first started to notice him. I now know your name, I now know your face, I now know your voice, I now know you I think that the 'now know' thing got a little repetitive. I would suggest taking out all the nows. That way, you still have the repetition, but it doesn't read so long.. The I'd suggest putting in 'big' questionnow: do you know me? The answerTry a colon instead of a comma. no. But would I like you to? More than anyting I think you mean 'anything'. in the world.
I see you everyday, we share some of the same friends,Take out one of the commas and put in a semicolon. it's inevitable. But I know you don't see me, Get rid of the comma and put in a start a new sentence for 'who would?'who would?
Everyday, I feel my heart flip inside my chest, Once again, try it with a new sentence.I hear my words come out in a stutter. I know it is crazy, I don't even know you, but I feel like I do. I feel like I should.
It's before school starts and as always, there is a large group of us standing in the hallway, constantly being asked to move, but who listens? That sentence seems to run on for quite a bit. Try breaking it up at some point.No one. Out of the corner of my eye, I see you walking down the hallways, toward us, I would suggest taking out the comma after 'us' and putting ellipses instead. (Ellipses are the '...' things. Just so you know)toward me. That's when I feel the elbow in my ribs and hear the snicker of my chums, Really? Chums? I don't know you characters like you know them, but I don't think that sounds like the kind of thing your character would say."Look who it is." they tease. They know what I'm thinking, they can see my face light up. But no, you are not walking towards me, just us as a group. You stand over with your friends and make rude comments about the teacher no one likes, or the easy girl. You are just being teenage boys but I wish you were my teenage boy.I think this sentence kind of interrupts the flow of things. I would try 'You are just being a teenage boy, but I wish you were my teenage boy.
It is lunchtime, Try putting a period after lunchtime and starting a new sentence with 'we'.we are in the cafeteria, Try making this next bit a new sentence too. it's crowded, what else is new? You have entered the room, that's what. My heart is racing a million beats a second and I know my face is going red, but who cares? I am hoping you will sit over here, but when you don't, I hate it. I hate the sinking feeling that captures my heart when you don't fill up the empty chair a little to the left and across from me. My heart is wrenched, falling down to my stomach. Yet when you do sit over here, my heart soars to the sky, free as a bird, careless. I really like the opposites that aren't obviously opposites. In the first comparison, you make your heart sound like a bird. In the next bit, you actually say bird.I wish I could tell you it all, I wish you could know what I feel. I wish you could know the way you make my heart flutter, the way you make me smile, and the way you make me stutter. I wish you could know that you make me want to write a sappy love poem, that your beautiful, and that I love that your hair seems to have never seen a comb. Look what you've done, you've got me rhyming, I am writing a sappy love poem. Really? A poem? Don't you think that's kind of cliche?
It's after school, classes are done, I race up to my locker on the third floor and back down to the first, where yours is located. I walk casually down the hallway, hoping to catch one last glimpse of you before I go home. Someting to tide me over until the next morning. As my eyes fall upon your signature jacket and your deep eyes, I am thankful for how many friends I have with lockers in this hallway, the perfect excuse. There is a small smile on my face, on my lips and in my eyes, but I know you don't see it. Why would you notice me now?
If there is anything I know, it's that you are always on my mind and forever on my heart. I know that I'm a fool, I'm lovesick, I'm crazy, that's it, that's all. Boy, you drove me to this crazy, you drive me crazy. You don't know be, but I know you, and I'm crazy in love.
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