That Awkward Moment

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Points 7042

Reviews 34

Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:09 am

leeanna13097 says... · Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:09 am

"Wanna go to a movie?" he had asked shyly.
"Sure," I had replied.
Had I just been asked to go out on a date? And not just with any guy, but the guy I've liked for three years?

There I was, thinking about the worst case scenario. What if he holds my hand? What if he tries to kiss me? Thoughts raced through my head a hundred miles an hour. I was scared. I couldn't bare to look him in the eyes, let alone look at him period.
One time I started to get up and walk away because I was so nervous, but then I decided that would be rude. And one part of me didn't want to leave; I wanted to stay by his side. I hoped he felt the same way, but I couldn't be sure. Every time I dared a look at his sweet, handsome face, I couldn't decipher any emotions. Maybe he was keeping it bottled up inside like me. Maybe he really liked me, and was scared to show it. I had no way of knowing, and that was what scared me the most. What if he's only being nice and taking me to a movie because he knows I want to see this particular movie? I thought. Or, even worse, what if someone dared him to ask me out?
My internal organs felt like they were flying around inside me. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat. I could even hear it. I wondered if he could hear it, too. I wondered if he knew how nervous I was. This was my first date, after all.
Suddenly, someone screamed in the movie, making me jump. I stared at the movie screen. What's happened during the movie? I queried inside my head. I wasn't focused on anything, other than not messing up my first date.
My mind finally snapped back into reality and realized something. He was holding my hand. How long has he been holding my hand? I wondered curiously, suddenly losing some of my fear. Once again, I didn't know, and didn't really care. He was holding my hand, and that's all that mattered. He looked at me and grinned. His hazel eyes stared straight at my chocolate colored eyes. I managed to grin back. He leaned over to my seat and softly whispered in my ear, "You're not the only one who's nervous."

Last edited by leeanna13097 on Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:49 am, edited 3 times in total.

Please forgive me if I over-edit anything of yours.

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wonderingkate

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Sat Dec 12, 2009 3:41 am

wonderingkate says... · Sat Dec 12, 2009 3:41 am

Hello, I'm Kate. This was nice. I want to know what happens! Just my opinion, but maybe you should end the date in the first chapter because this chapter was quite small. Any-who, on to the review!

leeanna13097 wrote:What if he held my hand? What if he tried to kiss me?

I would suggest that you italicize this. Your are writing questions that are going through her mind.

leeanna13097 wrote:I couldn't bare to look him in the eyes, let alone look at him, period.

The comma I put in bold doesn't need to be there.

leeanna13097 wrote:Once, I started to get up and walk away, but then decided that would be rude. And one part of me didn't want to leave; I wanted to stay by his side.

You're having some subject verb agreement issues. Read it out loud, and you will catch them. And may I add from experience, writing in first person is very hard.

leeanna13097 wrote:I had no way of know

As you can probably tell, now that I have pointed it out, this sentence doesn't make any sense.

leeanna13097 wrote:that's what scared me.

Again, with the tense issues.

leeanna13097 wrote:"You're not the only one who's nervous."

I love this sentence. He only had a few lines, yet you made me love him with this one sentence.

Overall, I think this has great potential and I can't wait for you to add more! I see that you are new, so I will tell you a good rule of thumb. Stories that are around 1000 words get more reviews and are long enough to have a ending point (Whether for just a chapter or for the whole story). Also, we have a 3:1 ration here. Meaning, you should review three stories before you post your own!

Well, I will stop rambling now. Great job!

Keep writing!

-Kate

"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson

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SmileLikeUMeanIt

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Points 1539

Reviews 16

Sat Dec 12, 2009 11:19 pm

SmileLikeUMeanIt says... · Sat Dec 12, 2009 11:19 pm

This is very good for a twelve-year-old! You are on your way to becoming a great writer.

You have a few grammatical errors, as WonderingKate pointed out, but they're easy enough to change. And as you get older, they will become less and less (though all writers have them fairly often). I really like this piece! The ending line was my favorite. Very cute and loosened the mood. I would like to read on and see how she reacted to his comment.

If you keep going with this story, it has the potential of being a very fun book to read!

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jayden

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Points 1463

Reviews 7

Sun Dec 13, 2009 6:28 pm

jayden says... · Sun Dec 13, 2009 6:28 pm

"You're not the only one who's nervous."

This one quote alone makes me want to read more. It is such a cliff hanger that is so incredibly good that I can't help but hate and love it at the exact same time! This is an amazing start so far!
The only thing that confused me in the slightest way was that the beginning almost gave me the notion that this was going to be a suspense/horror book. I think it's just because of how you said those words, "What had I been thinking?" The only thing you could change is maybe make it a little more clear that it's romantic, you know?
I loved this start and can't wait to read more! Keep at it!

I live. I love. I write.

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<3Morgan,Dreamer:)

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Points 3425

Reviews 23

Sat Mar 27, 2010 5:00 pm

<3Morgan,Dreamer:) says... · Sat Mar 27, 2010 5:00 pm

You ,once again, have blown my mind. This is a great story and I want more. Sure you made some grammar mistakes, but those can be easily fixed. Its amazing how you can write so many different story types. Also that cliff hanger was just intriguing and awesome. It made me say "aww" out loud.

You need to write more stories like this one.

You can take this story in so many directions. I have faith in you that you will take it on the right path, but I know no matter what road you take it on ,that this and all your other stories can go so far, as far to the moon!

I think ,like I always do,you could some more description and instead of saying

the movie

so many times maybe you could make up a title for it. Just be careful not to add to much, because I particularly like the feel and flow of it. Adding to much may make your light story heavy and ruin the flow. Good luck, keep writing and PM when your ready to post your next piece. (:
Much love,
Morgan <3

"A writer is someone who can make a riddle out of an answer."
-Karl Kraus

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ERANBEAR

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Points 990

Reviews 5

Wed May 19, 2010 10:36 pm

ERANBEAR says... · Wed May 19, 2010 10:36 pm

again i say perfect. ironic though that I never said perfect in the first place :smt003

ERANBEAR

peace out type on!!!

They say the world is your oyster; but what if you keep kosher?

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Dark Eyed Pixie

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Mon May 24, 2010 9:01 pm

Dark Eyed Pixie says... · Mon May 24, 2010 9:01 pm

that's so sweet. I think you captured the emotions of going on a first date with someone you like really well. Great job, well done!

Meet me here beneath the burning skies....

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KailaMarie

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Reviews 108

Tue May 25, 2010 11:07 pm

KailaMarie says... · Tue May 25, 2010 11:07 pm

Hi, I'm Kaila.

So, I'll start with what I like. I like how the emotion is really easily felt in this. I can feel the anxiety, and the nervousness of the first date. The fact that she's zoning out in the movie is really realistic. And the last line is perfect.

A few things I would suggest you change? Well if she was so nervous about being around this guy, she would be super aware of everything he was doing. Like maybe he shifted in his seat, and she might wonder if he was trying to shift away or if he was trying to make a move, or something. So it seems unrealistic that she wouldn't notice him hold her hand. It seems like that would be really electric, or something.

Overall, this is really cute, though. Good job. Any questions, just PM me.

...

...
[url]spottedturtle.tumblr.com[/url]

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Sionarama

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Reviews 102

Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:27 pm

Sionarama says... · Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:27 pm

Hai lee-anna!! Alright, lets get down to buidness!
My dislikes will be in green
My likes will be in purple
My corrections will be in red
My comments will be in pink
k?

leeanna13097 wrote:"Wanna go to a movie?" he had asked shyly.
"Sure," I had replied.
Had I just been asked to go out on a date? And not just with any guy, but the guy I've liked for three years?
Alright, so you've liked this guy for 3 years and he finally asks you out... really? Just.. "Sure". if that was me I'd be bouncing up and down the walls!! so, where's the emotion?

There I was, thinking about the worst case scenario. What if he holds my hand? What if he tries to kiss me? What!?! WORST CASE SENARIO!? Thoughts raced through my head a hundred miles an hour. I was scared. I couldn't bare to look him in the eyes, let alone look at him period.
One time I started to get up and walk away because I was so nervous, but then I decided that would be rude. And one part of me didn't want to leave; I wanted to stay by his side. I hoped he felt the same way, but I couldn't be sure. Every time I dared a look at his sweet, handsome face, I couldn't decipher any emotions. Maybe he was keeping it bottled up inside like me. Maybe he really liked me, and was scared to show it. I had no way of knowing, and that was what scared dont repeat the same words.. Ms. Pamela is watching... me the most. What if he's only being nice and taking me to a movie because he knows I want to see this particular movie? I thought. Or, even worse, what if someone dared him to ask me out?
My internal everyone knows organs are internal. No need to repeat. organs felt like they were flying around inside me. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat. I could even hear it. I wondered if he could hear it, too. I wondered if he knew how nervous I was. This was my first date, after all.
Suddenly, someone screamed in the movie, making me jump. I stared at the movie screen. What's happened during the movie? I queried inside my head. I wasn't focused on anything, other than not messing up my first date.
My mind finally snapped back into reality and realized something. He was holding my hand. How long has he been holding my hand? I wondered curiously, suddenly losing some of my fear. Once again, I didn't know, and didn't really care. He was holding my hand, and that's all that mattered. He looked at me and grinned. His hazel eyes stared straight at my chocolate colored eyes. I managed to grin back. He leaned over to my seat and softly whispered in my ear, "You're not the only one who's nervous."

Characters:
Nicely done! Very real life and sweet! (I love the boy.. can I meet him?)
Setting:
Good setting too! Though it was confusing when she was thinking... I didnt know where she was until the scream.. though you might have done it on purpose, i dont know.
Narrative:
Not the best I've seen of yours but the most realistic... I love the thought of organs flying around her stomach. More interesting than butterflies!
Overall:
BEAUTIFUL HANDIWORK!!!

"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A

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katchaerin

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Points 3741

Reviews 52

Sat Sep 04, 2010 5:59 am

katchaerin says... · Sat Sep 04, 2010 5:59 am

Hey there!

I won't go into the grammar nitpicking in this one.

I like it!
It's really realistic for me.

Cute.

The last line was the best.
I had to smile.

)

Anyway, you left me hanging! But it's okay.
It was well done, girl.

Keep writing!!!

-KAT <3

REVIEW!!!
'cause I review back. XD XD XD

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Button

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Points 719

Reviews 562

Sat Sep 04, 2010 11:44 am

Button says... · Sat Sep 04, 2010 11:44 am

Hi there..
so, after the last line, I actually said, "That's adorable." No "Aww"ing or anything, because that's just too much, but it was super adorable.

Nice job.

So- I didn't get the time lapse towards the end of the story, but that is easily fixed. Towards the beginning, you can take out "had". It makes the sentence passive, and just bulks up places where it shouldn't be bulked up. When your talking about him looking at you towards the end, I would say "into" instead of "at" and perhaps take out your eye color. And it's dark, so would you be able to see his? Little details like this are important.

Sorry. Nitpicky.
I also think that perhaps some description could be added in some parts, especially some emotional description towards the beginning.

Overall, nice write. Realistic, relate-able, and super cute.

-Coral-

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ASH1397

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Points 6553

Reviews 122

Tue Sep 14, 2010 10:07 pm

ASH1397 says... · Tue Sep 14, 2010 10:07 pm

Oh my goodness! "You're not the only one who's nervous." Cliff hanger, I love it! I am uberly-wondering what will happen between them. You could expand more in detail about what they look like so your audience has a better mental-visual picture.

Remember: suspense is your best key in quality writing....(along with a good plot.) You're doing really good at it so far, but as your story goes on, don't forget what you started writing about in the first place.

Proceed your writing! -- ASH

And just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.

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Kagi

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Points 7340

Reviews 205

Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:32 pm

Kagi says... · Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:32 pm

leeanna13097 wrote:"Wanna go to a movie?" he had asked shyly.
"Sure," I had replied.
Had I just been asked to go out on a date? And not just with any guy, but the guy I've liked for three years?

There I was, thinking about the worst case scenario. What if he holds my hand? What if he tries to kiss me? Thoughts raced through my head a hundred miles an hour. I was scared. I couldn't bare to look him in the eyes, let alone look at him period.
One time I started to get up and walk away because I was so nervous, but then I decided that would be rude. And one part of me didn't want to leave; I wanted to stay by his side. I hoped he felt the same way, but I couldn't be sure. Every time I dared a look at his sweet, handsome face, I couldn't decipher any emotions. Maybe he was keeping it bottled up inside like me. Maybe he really liked me, and was scared to show it. I had no way of knowing, and that was what scared me the most. What if he's only being nice and taking me to a movie because he knows I want to see this particular movie? I thought. Or, even worse, what if someone dared him to ask me out?
My internal organs felt like they were flying around inside me. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat. I could even hear it. I wondered if he could hear it, too. I wondered if he knew how nervous I was. This was my first date, after all.
Suddenly, someone screamed in the movie, making me jump. I stared at the movie screen. What's happened during the movie? I queried inside my head. I wasn't focused on anything, other than not messing up my first date.
My mind finally snapped back into reality and realized something. He was holding my hand. How long has he been holding my hand? I wondered curiously, suddenly losing some of my fear. Once again, I didn't know, and didn't really care. He was holding my hand, and that's all that mattered. He looked at me and grinned. His hazel eyes stared straight at my chocolate colored eyes. I managed to grin back. He leaned over to my seat and softly whispered in my ear, "You're not the only one who's nervous."

All The grammatical errors have been pointed out so Now for my opinion!! Don't worry if I'm harsh,I promise I'm not being a meanie!!

The whole story was very well planned. I enjoyed the very real side to the story. I mean isn't it like that for everyone?! The first date and all the wondering,the way you feel that your stomach is going to pop with the pressure of holding all the tension inside?! Its very easy to relate to because its what everyone relates to. So yeah you scored a brownie point there!! Haah

I enjoyed your sense of drama,very enjoyable.However (I know what you're thinking-Oh know here comes the bad!! haha)
I felt there could be just a bit more description. I know you have a lot in there but I felt that the tension didn't really seem to flow enough in the story. Describe how maybe she's shaking or how she's just sitting there looking blankly into the distance out of awkwardness. Secondly,I felt the title wasn't as PULLING as it should have been. Maybe -
The first Date Drama or something catchy yet quizzical? Get me? Ok maybe not.. Haha
Now.. One last thing
"Your not the only one who's nervous."
That was the most surprising amazing line I've read! And yes I've read a few! It was simple yet such a nice shock. I wasn't expecting such a nice,sincere guy. Most guys are too macho to admit these kind of things.
Very touching.
You've got talent worth showing!!
OH and you ended the story just at the right time. Short and sweet. Left the readers to figure out what happened next.
Yours Kaka
x
x

DID THIS HELP?! NOMINATE ME!!

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Georgiexx

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Points 1079

Reviews 33

Thu Sep 16, 2010 6:54 am

Georgiexx says... · Thu Sep 16, 2010 6:54 am

Okay, first up... i loved it. Others have said it was a cliff hanger and i agree, "You're not the onlt one thats nervous."- what a great ending, it leaves me wanting to read more. Anyway, obviously by now you are sick of people picking on your grammar and i totally understand, so im not even going to touch on that. All i wanted to say is that you are a great writer and your story was adorable and i loved the suspence at the end. Keep writing.
Love Georgie

Today im happier than a bird with a french fry

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Snoink

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Points 9692

Reviews 3900

Thu Sep 16, 2010 7:26 am

Snoink says... · Thu Sep 16, 2010 7:26 am

Teehee! This is kind of cute.

One thing that I think would make this really good is if you told us what kind of movie she is going to. For example, if a guy invited me to a movie, I would immediately look at what type of a movie it was to see what his real intentions are! Like, if it's an action movie, I would wonder if it's like-like and if it's romance I would wonder exactly what was going on. So, maybe you can have her look at the movie and notice what's going on and yet she still wonders what his true intentions are.

Just a couple of thoughts! Very cute.

Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic!

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