Planes

This is something I randomly wrote the other evening. Reviews would be appreciated


She looked out of her window, observing the way the plane flew across the sky so effortlessly, leaving a slim cloud in its wake. He’s in there, she thought. He’s in there and he’s coming home. Her hands clenched the windowsill until they were white. Her eyes widened as her beam grew. The sound drained from the world, creating a silence so sweet that tears prickled her eyes.
Their special silence, all theirs.

The plane hovered, never quite leaving her sight. She could almost see him waving at her through the miniscule window, so far away, yet so very close. His chocolate eyes kissed hers, his enveloping shoulders ready to throw themselves at her. He waved.

And, before she could take a breath, the plane flew away. Left. Disappeared. Its trail evaporated, the moisture finding her eyes. Slowly, she looked down at her wrinkled hands. They were not the hands they used to be. A rush of anger took hold of her, as it always did. She slapped her left hand with her right, digging her nails into the tired flesh.
The hands, it was always the hands.
She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, before examining the damage. A scratch, a graze.
Not so bad.

She sighed, turning back inside, to the dark room. Bright flowers hid in the corners, squashed by the heavy atmosphere. The air weighed down on her, a dizziness rattling her head. She sat on the bed, closed her eyes.
It was torture. Torment. Poison.

It was the only clear memory she had left.

That day; the day he was supposed to come back, the brave soldier returning home.

Supposed to come back. Supposed to come back.

But never did, never did.

She opened her eyes, the dizziness stronger than ever.
“You left me,” she whimpered. “You left me all alone.”
But somewhere, somewhere in the far distance, a light flickered.
“I’m still here.”

Hi Lilicia, I'm peanut and I'm going to try to help out with this.

She looked out of her window, observing the way the plane flew across the sky so effortlessly, leaving a slim cloud in its wake. He’s in there, she thought.

This is an okay way to start off. It makes me wonder where this person is but I don't really care what she's looking at. It also didn't really make me ask any questions until the second sentence. Maybe you could start off with: He's in there, she thought. That would make me wonder who she's looking at and then you could say she was looking out at the planes. (just a suggestion)

I'm also a little confused about where this woman is. You never really tell us. At first I thought maybe she's at an airport watching for someone to return. Then as she came back to reality I thought maybe she was at her house, but she could also be in a nursing home or hospital. See my dilemma? Make sure you tell us exactly where your MC is, and you can use the description of where they are to lengthen your piece.

Overall this was a nice story. But I couldn't really get attached to your character, I couldn't feel her emotion because even though I knew she was sad there wasn't really a reason for me to have sympathy. You should make it longer, and elaborate on what is happening to this woman. Ask yourself questions about her life and incorporate them into the story so we will know more about her. Make us care about her. We don't even know who the person is who didn't come home.

I hope that helped. PM me if you have any questions and let me know if you write more.
~peanut~

when writing i find it best when you start the scene with a name that way people can better view the character. It is only helpful. I discovered this after I'd written many pieces and didn't like them because I hadn't put a name in the beginning. It drove me crazy. But other than that I really don't see anything wrong.

Hey there, Lilicia! This story, while very short, caught and held my attention really well. So good job on that. I also enjoyed how you fooled your audience in the beginning, making us think one thing, then correcting us. That was really good. I also loved this:

But somewhere, somewhere in the far distance, a light flickered.
“I’m still here.”

It was a great way to end the story.

Though I did have a couple problems:

I do agree with Peanut19 that I didn't feel very connected to your character. Maybe you could add something more to the background story, something that gets us deeper into her past with the soldier.

But never did, never did.

This sentence reads kind of awkwardly, so maybe you could reword it.

Overall, I really liked it. It sent a powerful, relateable message. Keep writing!

-Chrissie