Only Sixteen

Note: I'm not sure if I should develop a narrative out of this, but I knew I needed to write it out. I only use names once, and I also have fragments! They were on purpose, don't worry. Enjoy!

Only Sixteen

She was only sixteen, he knew that. Her youthful physique was almost painful for him to look at. The luminous glow on her face lingered in his mind for too long. He sat at the edge of his bed every night, hands gripped within his wirery hair, trying to pull out the shameful thoughts that ran through his mind. Then he would look over at the mess he already married, with the shriek of a restless child in the background.

She didn't know how old he was, or what he was all about. She did know, however, that he was too old for her and she shouldn't be looking at him in a romantic manor. Though the summer heat made it almost impossible to contain herself when he was near. "If only he knew," she thought to herself.

Society stamped these two unlikely people as freaks, leading them to create a barrier between each other. The generic workplace was what brought them together. She was a minimum wage cleaning associate, and he was an educated orderly. Both fulfilled their daily duties within a medical hospital.

It was a humid Friday night, though the hospital was chilled to satisfy its sickly customers. She was headed up to third floor to attend to bed sheets, and he was headed up to the sixth floor to assist a patient. Both ended up in the same elevator, though that particular elevator had a history of stalling. They entered the elevator, she pressed three, and he punched in six. Before the ancient elevator could hoist itself up to the second floor, it locked, leaving its passengers locked inside.

Both shuffled in annoyance as a raspy voice announced that help was on its way. He then looked at her as she stared at her chipping finger nail polish. He loved everything about her even though he didn't even know her name. The way she blinked and her eyelashes fluttered like weightless feathers. Her virgin skin was soft enough to sooth even the roughest of men. Temptation enraged him as he fought against himself to resist swallowing her up in and embrace, and indulging in her divine lips.

Her eyes met his. She flushed for she knew exactly what she wanted to do, but throwing herself on an older man was not something she wanted to risk. Intensity burned through her eyes and shinned on his. He wanted to hear her speak, and she wanted him to be closer. Close enough to feel the warmth emanate off his skin.

"What's your name?" She shattered the silence with her innocent voice.

"Joeseph." He replied shortly, stunned by her question. He wanted to hear it again, and again. For the rest of his life. "What's your name?" His voice almost broke for he had to clear his throat.

"Lacey," she replied softly,"How old are you?" She said without thought. She was stunned at her frankness and quickly apologised.

He laughed and replied,"I am twenty six." He suddenly felt nervous about his decision to reveal his real age. He then eased when her saw that she was still gazing at him with the same intensity. "Perhaps, age did not phase her." He thought to himself.

She indeed did not care about his age, though she knew she should. She was too intrigued by her fancy for him to care. "Oh, well I'm sixteen," she said averting her attention to the floor.

"I know," he said deeply. She shot a look of confusion at him. He quickly stepped backwards to try and escape the thick awkwardness in the air. "I mean uh, I saw it on your file," He began to perspire as he searched for a new statement. Meanwhile she was stepping towards him in a confrontational manor. "No, wait I mean someone told me. Yeah, someone told me," he sputtered.

"Oh really?" Her eyes were becoming more and more provocative. The elevator was small, but all of a sudden is altered into a large battle field of who could keep their composure the longest. He couldn't take it any longer.

He gripped her arm and pulled her close to him. She stared up at him in shock, but she showed no sign of complaint. She was now close enough to feel him, though she feared her heartbeat was too loud. He concentrated on her eyes. His thick masculine eyebrows almost made him look angry. She simply let him take control of her as she innocently remained limp in his clutch.

"I shouldn't be doing this," he stated. Before she could ask what he pressed his lips against hers, making the heat from both of their bodies twine together. He released her, almost throwing her to the other side of the elevator. He turned around in dismay against himself. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"Please, don't be." She approached him once more, but more cautiously. He only turned his head to find her small body behind him. He felt large and powerful, but he also felt as if he had abused his power over her. But it was too late to take anything back now. She had fallen madly in love with him, without a fight.

The elevator jolted back into working condition. She got off at the third floor, and he followed.

Hey I'm Alyson,
and I'm sorry I don't have that long to do a full review, but I can tell you right now that this is really really good. From what I read, I didn't see anythging wrong grammer wise. I liked the way you used "he" and "she" instead of names, I do that with alot of my short storyies. It creats a more dramatical effect. The whole story line was realistic and AMAZING ! =] I loved the part when they got stuck in the elevator and when it ended when they finally got out.
PM When you write the next part. I REALLY want to know what happens next =]

Keep writting,

Alyson =]

I REALLY liked it! Great job with making it seem realistic! The only thing is that I pictured the man to be a little older than 26, but that was really the only other thing! I dont think there were any grammer mistakes but a few spelling errors...Overall, excellent!

Hey, this is actually really good. I have a couple nitpicks.

VERB TENSE
Verb tense, in case you don't already know, basically tells the reader what relative time this piece takes place in. Yeah... I described that horribly, so it might not make sense. So there are three tenses: Present tense (She walks, he runs, I sing), Past tense (She walked, he ran, I sang) and future tense (she will walk, he will run, I will sing). Does this make sense, kind of? Anyway, your piece has a lot of verb tense issues. Normally you want to commit to a single tense. In this, you skip around between past and present tense. You need to get out of this habit. The good news is that this is highly fixable. NOTE: When I read this the first time, I thought I saw alot of this, but now that I'm reading through it, its not that bad. Just read through it yourself and keep an eye out for verb tense.
Okay, found one:

"Perhaps, age did not phase her." He thought to himself.

This actually has pretty much the opposite problem to that of which I just discussed. In an attempt to make your tenses correct, you changed all the tenses in this paragraph to be the same. This should read like this instead:
Perhaps age does not face her he thought to himself.
Also remember that when a character is thinking, you do not need to put it in quotes. You just need italics, and the "he" that comes afterwards does not need to be capitalized.

DIALOGUE
Okay, first off, you need to work on your punctuation surrounding your dialogue. For example:

"Lacey," she replied softly,"How old are you?"

Should read: "Lacy," she replied softly. "How old are you?"

"Joeseph." He replied shortly

Should read: "Joseph," he replied shortly" (I changed the spelling of the name Joeseph/Joseph because the traditional way is better.
Also, you use the word "stated" alot, as well as other words in replacement of said. I know that everyone's elementary school teacher posts that big wall of "words to use instead of 'said,'" but its really not necessary. Unless the person is really talking in a different sort of way (for example, your use of "sputtered" is good), then you should just used said, asked, or replied. And only use replied a couple of times. You can use "said" as much as you want, because the reader tends to not really notice repitition of that word. But some of the words you use make it sound somewhat clunky.
Lastly, some of the dialogue is not quite believable. Like here:

"I am twenty six."

Most people don't say that entire thing, they use contractions. So it should be more like: "I'm twenty-six."

OVERALL PLOT
I loved the idea of this, I could actually relate a bit. However, I'd make Joseph a bit older. Aren't most orderlies older than that? I'd even make him a doctor, it would add more shameful emotion to the whole thing. Also because most younger guys named Joseph usually go by Joe, aye?
I had some issues with the kissing scene, however. It seemed sudden and very clunky. I would draw out the part when they are mutually sort of seducing each other in the elevator. That would make it more believable. Because he really doesn't know if she likes him really, right? He doesn't wanna sacrifice his job by doing something funky like that.

There's one more sentence I would like to discuss. Here:

hands gripped within his wirery hair

I had to read this a few times because, at first glance, it seems as though the man is jacking off. I would take out the "wiry" (notice correct spelling) because the only hair on guys that is really wiry is between their crotch, unless they're black. I guess the hair on their head then would be nappy/wiry-ish.

TYPOS
There are numerous typos throughout this. For example, the "wirery" shown above. And the use of the word "manor" is incorrect. I'm assuming you mean "manner," as "manor" is a large house. And "shinned" instead of "shined." This is filled with bad spelling, so just run it through a spell-checker, please? And proofread it to avoid misspellings not caught by the spell-checker. Its not that hard.

Overall, nice work.
PM for questions/comments
Cheers,
Lena

EDIT: one more thing, I have to say that you should definitely NOT continue with this. Not because it is bad - its actually very good - but some stories are just meant to end. This one ends as they leave the elevator. It leaves the reader wondering if they continue this relationship or if it is just a momentary fling. And that's good. So please, don't continue, for me... I know that seems funky to ask.

Goodness.

I agree with Lena, you shouldn't continue this. Your plot, your characters, your setting, everything came together in a perfect manner, and there is no need to continue and ruin what you already have.

You seem to be a little iffy with your dialogue. Let me show you what I mean.

Sometimes when it comes to inserting dialogue, you're good at it. But, in some cases, what you write doesn't make sense. Up until I joined this site, I had no idea how to insert dialogue, but now I pay attention when I read books, and make sure what I write is just... right.

"Joeseph." He replied shortly, stunned by her question.

At first when I saw this, I was going to brush past it and not say anything, but when I saw you make the mistake again,

"Perhaps, age did not phase her." He thought to himself.

I knew I had to say something.

So, take the second sentences of both these quotes and say them separately. Does 'He replied shortly, stunned by her question,' or 'He thought to himself' sound correct at all by themselves? Of course they don't, that's your mistake.

When you write your dialogue like those two examples, you need to insert description like this:

"'Joeseph,' he replied shortly, stunned by her question.'

Do you see how that is all one sentence, and makes sense on its own?

Another thing I spotted:

"I mean uh, I saw it on your file," He began to perspire as he searched for a new statement.

This is about the opposite of the points I made above. Here, you should have no comma, and it should be a separate sentence. It is like this because the part after the comma, after the dialogue ends, is not a description of the dialogue, it is its own sentence, a brand new idea.

"'I mean uh, I saw it in your file.' He began to perspire as he searched for a new statement.'

And one last thing:

"I shouldn't be doing this," he stated.

This isn't too big of a problem, just an issue I have. Sometimes description of how a character says something is good, but sometimes it can be too much. Like here, we know he's stating it. We know how he's saying it. Most likely we have heard someone say this in real life, or in a movie, so there's no need for description. Let the readers come up with things on their own, and use their imagination, as well as yours, to create this story in their mind.

You can have too much description on anything, not just dialogue, so watch out. It's something I have a problem with. Like jumping right in and talking about how a character looks. That's how I like to do it, but it's not very different, or original.
You do a block of description at the beginning, but it's the right kind of description. This is such a short piece, there are some things that need to be explained right then and there.

And one more thing: You make the man sound like he's in his late thirties, when he is actually only 26? I mean, sure, the girl is only sixteen, but 26 isn't that old.

I hope I helped! PM me if you need any more help.

Classy

Edit: PS, my 'goodness' at the beginning is a good goodness. I really liked this.

I really liked it! make more please!! but you know, I agree on most senior writers about your grammars... don't worry I am like that too! but we can change for the better, right??

I mostly agree with Lena and Classy here, but I have to say I think twenty six is a good age. It's one of the reasons I particularly liked te story- because what a sem like a big deal to some may not to others, and I think it helps the reader figure out that these two people don't usually do things like that, and that such a small thing to us would be a major conflict with them. It helps them come off as conservative people, to me.
This was really incredible, and I have to ay one reason I picked it to read was your cerative username, and I'm glad I did.
I'm going to send it to another couple of people that will definitely be able to help on believability for this- But I have t say it's much better as a short story, and more would be overkill. But I do hope to read more of your writing again soon!
(PS I liked the unusual way you spelled the names, and don't let anyone tell you differently!)

Yes, I agree with them, twenty six and sixteen isn't THAT big of an age gap. ten years. The longest I know is fifteen years. I agree with the other writers on your tenses, verbs and dialogue. Don't worry, I do that a lot too. Hope you keep up the great work. I really loved it!

The thing is, that the ten year age gap between a 16 year old and a 26 year old is huge. It's between a minor and an adult, it's illegal.