what if?

this is something my friend wrote about me.....hope you enjoy!!

He sits on his bed dreaming and thinking about the first time a gazed upon her a he sits in his bed. He cant help but wonder if things would've been different if they had never met or he acted his age. If he wouldn't have given up so easly, then the girl he dreamed about when he went to sleep at night would be in his arms. He cant believe he had his perfect girl right in front of him and he let her slip away. He remembers how his heart skipped a beat when they hugged and how his tummy churned in a good way when she called him babe. He sits here thinking as he lays on his bed wishing she could be the one he was holding. Her Traces back to the times that when she walked it filled him with happiness and joy but at the same time depression now that he doesn't have her touch and her smell to keep him company. If only she hadn't met him or he acted his age.

This seems to be more wishful thinking than anything realistic. I doubt people think to themselves, "Ah, if only I had acted my age, this never would have happened!" More people think, "Ah, if only I had done such-and-such wrong!" See? Emphasis on actions rather than age.

Which brings me to the next point! Actions. Instead of having wishful thinking, tell us what actually happened between the two. It'll be much better that way, honest.

Your opening line is not understood as it brings out no meaning and the grammar is bad. "Her Traces back to times........." (not understood)

You're grammer had some mistakes, but I think those could be overlooked if your story had more meat to it. I have nothing against short stories, and I've written lots of them myself. But if you're going to write a short story, make sure you actually have a story to tell. I think that you have a good idea here, but no story.

Hope this helped,
youreit

This is pretty good. I like the description (whoever wrote this) of the feelings of the people. When (Insert name here) said "tummy", it killed the mood a little ._. But besides that, the story is great. If you are going to continue this, which it doesn't look as so, I will be reading. Once again, great job!