The Dream

I wrote this when I was feeling down, I began crying after I had this dream.

I walk down my street, love songs pounding in my head through my earbuds. I kick an old Dr. Pepper can, following it and eventually picking it up and stuffing it into my bag to recycle later. A slow, steady rain falls, soon drenching my hair, but I don't care. My heart has been shattered, and it will always be, until he returns to me.

I stare down at my purple Converse, smiling at the memory of him commenting on how awesome they looked on me. But as I lift my head back to the road in front of me, confused feelings run through my veins.

There he is, walking towards me. His copper colored hair is drenched and turning it into a darker shade. But he smiles just the same, he smiles the smile that was like sunshine to me, like oxygen.

I feel my bright blue eyes widen at the sight of him, barely noticing how quickly he reaches me. I just stare in shock at him, and he stares back, his dark chocolate eyes locking with mine.

He slowly lifts his hand to my face, sending tingles up and down my spine. As he plucks out my earbuds I can hear the rain and my rapid heart beat beating in unison. My hand automatically covers my mouth, preventing me from looking dumb-struck, even though that is exactly the state I have entered into.

"Did you forget about me?" he asks, his warm, comforting hand tracing my cheek-bone, then removing my hand from my mouth.

"How could I?" I whisper, breathless. I close my eyes and feel a rush of passion and thrill run through my veins as he kisses me. His hands tangle in my sopping dirty blond hair and I feel tears roll down my face as he slowly pulls away.

"What's wrong?" he questions, wiping a tear from my cheek.

"Why did you wait so long?" I say, pursing my lips.

"I did it because," he pauses, "because I love you."

"What do you mean?"

"Emily, everything I ever did, anything I ever said, I did it because I was so in love with you, and I still am."

That's when I know this isn't a dream. I feel my heart mend, I feel the scars slowly dissapear, and am happy for the first time in a long time.

"I love you," the words echo in my mind as we kiss in the rain, and I know, I was never able to let go, and I never will be able to break his heart, nor would I ever want to.

Wow. This is really good. Seriously.

You show clarity of your emotions in this peice. When you told methis meant a lot to I can now tell that it's true. I like the fact you ut it present tense, it gives it a real 'oomph'. Well, I don'thave any nit picks so.

You keep classy Sandiago!

-Biff

I walk down my street, love songs pounding in my head through my earbuds. I kick an old Dr. Pepper can, following it and eventually picking it up and stuffing it into my bag to recycle later.

I stare down at my purple Converse, smiling at the memory of him commenting on how awesome they looked on me. But as I lift my head back to the road in front of me, confused feelings run through my veins.

I feel my bright blue eyes widen at the sight of him, barely noticing how quickly he reaches me. I just stare in shock at him, and he stares back, his dark chocolate eyes locking with mine.

I would like to point out these two quotes. Your use of "I" makes your piece sound repetitive and less sophisticated. I think it takes away from your somber mood.

Other than that this is really good. Your emotion and detail were absolutely astounding. Well done.

Aw! This was so sweet. I was bracing myself for another cliche break-up ending, but you gave me a happy one! That was great. I love happy endings. I don't really have any nitpicks, you did a nice job on everything. Wonderful work!Keep writing.

--Dreamy

Hey! First off, this was fabulous. Your descriptions of your emotions were beautiful and clear, and it was a very fun piece to read.

Nit-Picks

There he is, walking towards me. His copper colored hair is drenched and turning it into a darker shade.

You need to remove the "it." It sounds wacky, like his hair is the one turning his hair into a darker shade.

"Emily, everything I ever did, anything I ever said, I did it because I was so in love with you, and I still am."

Remove the "it" and the "so."

I feel my heart mend, I feel the scars slowly dissapear, and I am happy for the first time in a long time.

Add an "I" here, please.

"I love you," the words echo in my mind as we kiss in the rain, and I know, I was never able to let go, and I never will be able to break his heart, nor would I ever want to.

I would suggest taking out the comma after the "I love you" and replacing it with a period. Then start a new sentence.

Overall

This was amazing. It was short but sweet, and I don't think you have to add anything to it.

Keep up the good work!

~blu

Hey Forest Queen, my name is Izumi Ryuichi and I'm here for a quick review. First off, I extremely like your pathos style of writing. You showed every thought in its full form which I really liked. Second, the shortness of your story actually helped me to like it. If you added more detail, it wouldn't fit. So keep up the good work!
~Ryuichi

OMG! That was so sweet, i think a little tear just fell on my cheek. I loved it!

I like it But it made me think Of twilight new moon the scars on her face

Absolutely beautiful... I think that happened to me once I think i might cry

Oh my....I felt like crying....it was brilliant...