The Secret About Love

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I have decided to drift back over to the Romantic Fiction side. I am too frustrated with fantasy right now.

Chapter 1: Meet-n-Greet

“I love you.”

He was walking up the steps to his new home with a brown box in hand. His dark blue jeans dropped effortlessly over his magical curves. I watched his arm muscles seep from his off-white shirt and I knew, one day, those hands would be wrapped around my slender waist.

He was seventeen and I was sixteen, but we were both juniors in high school. He moved from Washington, and I had lived in California all my life. The thought that a boy as beautiful as he would ever stroll down my block had never crossed my mind. And the fact that he lived across the street from me seemed completely insane.

Everything about him amazed me. His short brown hair with perfect matching eyebrows, his bright blue eyes that were as dark as the sky, lit up by shining stars and a crystal moon. His perfect V-shaped figure. The way his jeans ended at the perfect area so that the tongues of his shoes could see daylight. And most of all, how happy he was; even though he was new. Even though he had left his friends, moved into a small town hidden behind two large cities, he smiled, and laughed. Oh, every time he laughed my eyes would widen and the little blonde hairs on the back of my neck would pop up like daisies. And every time he peeked over in my direction, hoping for a smile or a friendly wave, all I could do was stare, so awestruck that he had made time to look at me.

“Katrina! Come inside, please. It’s getting cold outside.” She was right. I looked at my arms that were covered in soft tiny bumps. I took one last look at my love unloading the moving truck then walked inside my house.

“What were you doing out there?” My burly father looked up from the television for a mere second to patronize me before tilting his head back to Home Improvement.

“Have you seen our new neighbors?” I asked, sitting across from my father in our brown leather chair, peering up at our forty-two inch flat screen, barely listening to Tim Allen’s attempt at comedy.

“Yeah, I spoke to Christopher, the husband. You know,” he sat up in his seat and focused his attention on me, suddenly interested. “They have a son who is about you age.”

My heart screamed with joy, but I instructed my face to remain casual. “Define ‘about.’”

“Seventeen. But, he is your year in high school. Junior, was it?” My father smirked. I hated his cocky jokes. They always seemed more demeaning than funny.

“Yes. I am a junior in high school.” I rolled my eyes back to the television, hoping the conversation would end. But, of course, his attention remained on our new neighbors.

“And, Honey?” My mother poked her head out of the kitchen, a whole uncooked chicken in her hands. Her wide gray eyes gestured for him to continue. “We won’t be needing that
chicken. They invited us over for dinner.”


The stroll up to my loves house was the longest in my short life. The brick steps that led to his white mansion seemed to hint existence of the shadowy depths of Hell. The black railings seemed like bars keeping me from escaping back to the safety of my innocent home.

But, there was no turning back now. The lovely blonde wife Paige opened their white door, which seemed to represent my surrender, and welcomed us in to their empty home. The light-wood floors contained no sign of furniture, only boxes, and more boxes, lined the
hallways. Several pictures of their son through the years, and an occasional family photo were hung on the walls. We walked straight to the kitchen, which was well at work. I smelt stew brewing on the black stove, and bread heating in the oven.

A table was set for six, four large plates and two smaller ones next to each other. I gulped, imagining the dinner. My sloppy fingers dropping food over my green sweater, my mouth covered with stew, and my elbows landing in his plate, which was next to mine. Eating in front of boys my age was always such a large event. I hated it.

“Welcome to our home. I’m Paige, this is Christopher,” She pointed to her husband who was strolling into the kitchen from upstairs, his son following. “And this is James.” She wrapped manicured hands around her son’s tall shoulders. He was dressed in a blue collar shirt and the same dark jeans he had before. And, even though dressed casual, he seemed to shine more than anyone else in the room. I blushed, hoping no powers like mindreading existed.

“Hello, thank you for inviting us over. My name is Earl,” my father shook hands with Christopher. “This is my lovely wife Mells, short for Molly, and my daughter Katrina.”

“I like to be called Ina.” I smiled at our hosts.

“Not Kat?” James had his head tipped slightly to the left, his eyes were half closed- or half opened- and a little smile spread across the right side of his sculptured face.

“No, Ina. I don’t want my name to be associated with cats.”

“What’s wrong with cats?” His mother barked out in a desperate, manly voice.

“Eh, Ina is allergic.” My mother stepped in front of me and placed a hand on my arm.

“Well,” Paige trotted past us and up the stairs, informing us in a slightly louder
voice, “I’ll just put Mr. Whiskers in our room.”

I stared at her in amazement. No one has ever defended herself so rudely towards me. Every adult I grew up around treated me like an adult and respected my high-class upbringing and clean manners.

And then, I heard James laughing and felt him looking at me. A night I would never forget.




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i am confused and you know it. Otherwise, i like your metaphors. Very girly!! :roll:




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Woah I didn't even know this was you who wrote the story, until I saw tapatia's comment :B

Forreal I wouldn't mind some of James myself. Guh. Your description of him? Words fail. Also I love the little nick name for Katrina.

However, back to the description of James: as beautiful as you've described him, it's a bit much for the very beginning of the story --especially since we haven't technically met him yet. I would stick to blue eyes, short brown hair, and tall --just something basic, but just enough to tell us he's handsome. Some of the things you said were even a bit out of place, like how his jeans sit ontop of his sneakers. That's something we can draw from assumption, and don't add to your narrative.

BUT! I have some nice things to say too! I love the poetry in your prose, and the imagery, like:
the little blonde hairs on the back of my neck would pop up like daisies


I like all her little observations, and attention to detail, like what's playing on TV when she comes inside, and her annoyance at her dad's sense of humor.
It's very easy to step into Ina's head. The chapter read's very fluidly. Looking forward to the next chapter! (wait --is there one?)




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This was pretty good. I loved the describing of James (sounds like a real dream-boat)I love what you said about his eyes.
"I love you"
This made absoulutly no sense. I suggest getting rid of it and having those three magic words in it when James and Ina decide to be a serious couple.
Also, I didn't understand about his V-shaped body. Please explain that to me, I don't see how a boy/man can be shaped like a V. PM me or write in my guestbook please.
I could already feel the romance in it! Keep going!

- Rebz :)
Some Angels Are Destined To Fall.
Love Never Dies.




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Aww, thanks you guys.
PS. Tapatia and square, I love you :D




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Hey Classy! I'm here as you requested, so lets begin!

“I love you.”

It took me a while to figure out who was saying this, and also who it was directed towards. When you begin a story, you want the first line to really draw the reader in. The hook is a pretty important part. It should make your reader go "Oh wow...I want to keep reading!" and this...really doesn't do it for me.

He was seventeen and I was sixteen, but we were both juniors in high school. He moved from Washington, and I had lived in California all my life.
How does she know all this? She hasn't even met the guy...She doesn't even know his name yet, but she knows his age, what grade he's in, and where he lived before?

The thought that a boy as beautiful as he would ever stroll down my block had never crossed my mind. And the fact that he lived across the street from me seemed completely insane.
This line doesn't really make a whole lot of sense...I mean she's never thought about seeing a gorgeous guy even walk down her street? It seems really unlikely.


I took one last look at my love
*cough* Her love? She hasn't even been within 200 feet of this guy, yet she's calling him her love?? How does she know he's not a complete jerk, or really bland?


The brick steps that led to his white mansion seemed to hint existence of the shadowy depths of Hell.
Wait huh?? Why are you talking about hell? I thought she was madly in love with this boy...now she wants to run off and compares it to hell? What does that even have to do with anything?

The lovely blonde wife Paige opened their white door,
On this the phrasing is a little weird...

I stared at her in amazement. No one has ever defended herself so rudely towards me. Every adult I grew up around treated me like an adult and respected my high-class upbringing and clean manners.
High class upbringing? Clean manners? To me this screams BRAT! and make me dislike the character.

And then, I heard James laughing and felt him looking at me. A night I would never forget
Is this the end? It seems like there should be another part, because this is sort of an unfinished ending.

Overall I thought this was kind of boring. I really didn't like it all that much...it was very superficial. Rich girl "falls in love" with the hot guy across the street because of his looks. Your descriptions are great, a little oddly phrased in places, but good, and I think you could do better going in a different direction. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but definitely keep writing, but next time try digging a little deeper.

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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True to my strange nature, I'm going to disagree with everyone above me who mentioned the quote
captain.classy wrote:“I love you.”

I understood what it meant, and it made me smile because that is more or less the way I feel when I see my James.
Something you should change just because I say so: the name of the dad. I dont know if I'm the only person who watches "My name is Earl" but the fact that he quoted the slogan of that show kind of threw me out of the story. I'm weird about the names of people in stories, though. So you can ignore that advice.
As for your character, and that line where she is shocked when the mother acts out so rudely... I kind of sympathised with her. I know that mothers, especially other people's mothers can be prone to the strangest dispositions towards teenage girls. They either pound them with questions, feed them acidity wrapped in saccharine or challenge their worth by pitting their every trait against the strengths of everyone else in the family.
I agree that the ending was abrupt, I want to hear about the meal and the conversation, every eyelash that was batted towards James by Ina and what his response was... I actually found this rather interesting, it's a bit generic and stagnate but all in all, a well-written piece.
I always get a kick out of reading the comments above me. I understand what you meant about a v-shaped body, and that definitely seems like a teenage girl thing to say, so chops for being in line with the narrative voice, but you should just describe how his wide shoulders taper down into thin hips and fit legs, or whatever.

Besides that and the previous nitpicks mentioned by other people, I would say you're off to a pretty good start.
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
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It's good for a first chapter :)
I like the metaphors you used, they were very 'lovey dovey' haha :)
Bring on chapter 2!



I'll admit the two turtle doves are growing on me, but there are ten birds in this house already and we both know geese are feathered bioweapons of mass destruction.
— Silvern