You're Not Perfect

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You're Not Perfect

Chapter One.

I've been told that, quite a lot, but I never thought I was perfect. Just because I was a model, doesn't mean anything. I've worked my butt off. And everyone just thinks I have a peachy crème life. I don't, I struggle every day. Between school, friends, home, and modeling I never get any free time to myself.

Are you wondering who I as. Well it's me. Me as in Charlie Rae Smith. I'm 15 and I'm a sophomore. I go to a private high school. Its called Pine Hills Academy. I have wonderful friends. But they think I need to focus on them 24/7. Which I hate. And if I don’t focus on them then I need to focus on boys. Of course boys are going to want me. I'm a natural blonde, with big blue eyes. And I'm a model. Being a model makes me more popular then the cheerleaders.

"Charlie, what are you doing!?!" screamed my best friend, Jill, with her eyes popping out. "You know that I was coming here to take you to meet my cousin. And you're sitting here in front of your computer with your pajamas on and you haven't taken a shower!!"

See, and this is exactly why I hate having friends who think they need me to date there cousins. Now Jill is pretty her self. With Light brown hair and big soft caramel eyes.

"I know, I know. You don’t have to scream at me. I'll go take a shower and get ready. I'll be ready in 15 minutes. Alright?" I asked her.

"I guess. Its just that we have a double date in an hour. So I wanted to make sure that you were getting ready. And I didn’t mean to yell at you. Its just that I am so stressed. My little sister is killing me." Jill explained to me.

I jumped in the shower, and took the fastest shower I have since I was a little girl. I got out and put on my mini jean skirt and an orange tank top with a white half sweater. I applied black eyeliner.

"Crap!!" I screamed. I smudged my eyeliner down the left side of my face.

Jill came running in, out of breath. "Why did you just scream?" she asked, panting. She looked at me laughing. "Why did you do that. We have to be there in 30 minutes. So c'mon."

I grabbed a paper towel and wet it with cold water. I tried scrubbing off the eyeliner that ran down my face. But you could kind of still see it. So I took my foundation and put it all over my face. You couldn't notice it unless you were looking for the line.

I applied some shiny, pink lip-gloss. Checked my outfit twice. Then applied some bronze eye shadow. I was already to go.

Since Jill is 18, we usually go to parties and stuff. She was a model with me in till the modeling company told her that there was no need for her to work anymore. She tried finding more modeling, but no one needs any more models. She was furious, but she got over it.

"Good your ready. Do I look good?" Jill asked me. She was wearing a tight really, really short, black dress. Of course it was strapless. And she wore little make up. And with hot pink converse sneakers. She looked really good.

"Ha-Ha, your funny. You look amazing! I wish I was as pretty as you are," I told her.

"Well. Your prettier then me. My modeling agency didn't even want me. She wanted you. Every on loves you. All I'm known for is my partying and wild reputation."

"No your not, "I told her, "Your known for your great pictures, too!!"

We got in the car. Her car was brand new. It was a red convertible. This was her 4Th car since she was 15. Jill lights up a cigarette.

"Want one?" Jill asks me.

"Umm. No thanks," I tell her.

We got to the Red Barn. And when they say red barn they literally mean a red barn. The floor was filled with peanuts and there where just like barn things. Which I don’t know how to explain.

"I thought we were going to a club?" I asked her.

"Oh we are. They just wanted to meet us here, so we can have dinner first."

"Alright, then I guess we find a table."

"Jill! Jill! We're over here," 2 boys were saying. One had brown skate boarding hair. And the other one had blonde surfer hair. The brown haired one had green eyes. And the blonde on had blue eyes. They were both wicked cute. I couldn’t wait to find out which one I was having a date with.

They walked over to us. The brown one hugged Jill and the blonde one kissed her. So I'm figuring I get the brown haired one.

"Hey Cuz, what's up? You ready to have a wonderful night?" the brown haired one said. Then he turned to me. "You must be Charlie? I'm Shane."

"Hey."

Jill turned to me. Holding the blonde haired one hand and said, "This is Lucas. I forgot to tell you. We used to date in freshmen year. And he's best friends with my cousin."

All of us walked over to the table. There were already two drinks there.

Lucas said," I didn’t know what kind of drink you guys liked, so we," pointing to him and Shane, "figured that you could order them when you girls got here."

The waitress came and we gave the waitress our order. Then all the attention got turned on me.

"You did a really great job on that modeling thing, were you had to advertise the shampoo. I can't believe I'm on a date with you!" Shane exclaimed.

"Thank you. But can we just forgot that I'm a model tonight. Pretty please." I asked him.

Shane seemed to understand.

"Stressed. Eh?"

The food came so I was very grateful. We ate in peace with just little small talk. Then we, well the boys did, paid for the food. Then we went to the club.

When we got to the club. They checked every ones I.D's except for me.

"Aren't you that model that is like super famous?" the bouncer asked me.

"Yeah. I'm Charlie Smith. How about you?" when I said this I winked.

"Well nice to meet you Miss Smith. I'm Harry Reynolds." the bouncer said.

"Back at ya. I'm just here to have a good time. And be with my friends."

He looked at us again and muttered, "I just carded another model."

We all knew who he was talking about Jill.

"Don’t worry about it. I'm used to be carding," Jill told us, "Ever since my model agencies didn’t want me. So don’t worry about it."

"I knew you were that girl on the commercial get Fun Light. The cable one. Oh… did I love that one!" the bouncer just kept on staring at us. I don’t know why. I think he liked Jill.

"Well are you going to keep two models who are waiting impatiently to go in the club any longer?" Jill asked, in a bad mood. Her face expression was sour.


The bouncer looked liked he just got hit by a Mac truck. He muttered a sorry and opened the door to let us in. The place was really loud. And as soon as I walked in every one stared at me. I was worried. What if someone took pictures and posted them.

Chapter two.

Then those mysterious dark eyes stared at me. I felt a chill go down my back. Who was this person? And why did he feel the need to stare at me. You could tell he knew me. Or at least saw me somewhere. Perhaps on my commercial. Jill and Lucas ran off to go talk and dance. I got left with Shane. And I lost sight of the boy with eyes that could hunt you down like you were a tiny mouse and they were a big, dark, hungry lion.
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[i]please tell me what you think. and give me hints please!




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Okay, I loved it! You have a million spelling mistakes, and at least two tenses mistakes, and you don't know when to put a comma or a period but I loved it. See, when a story is good, that stuff doesn't bother me. The introduction went beautifully, cliche yet not entirely. Original but familiar. Nice going. Liked where you were going with this. It was adorable, and cute, and a story I would keep reading if there was more ^ ^ I'm sure it's going to become more interesting now! Please, Pm me when the next chapter comes out. I think it was good. Not much pointers until I know the general plot line.
ofir
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow




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I totally loved it!!!!!! There were like a thousand mistakes but the story was wicked awesome. The descriptions,everything. The story was so good, that I want to read more about it.
Now some of the things I noticed

I've been told that, quite a lot, but I never thought I was perfect

get rid of the commas

I have wonderful friends. But they think I need to focus on them 24/7.
I think a comma could fit instead of a period


She was a model with me in till the modeling company told her that there was no need for her to work anymore

I don't get this sentence. I think it could look better like this: She was a model too until the modeling company told her that there was no need for her to work anymore.

Every on loves you

It's everyone

The place was really loud. And as soon as I walked in every one stared at me

comma instead of period and it's everyone.

I totally loved your story and I just pointed out a few things. They are jsut my point of view, you can take them or leave them. All I can tell you,is that your story was awesome. Please tell me if you're posting the next chapter because I'll totally read it.

pudin.juni
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine




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I hadn't read the entire thing, had too many errors and mistakes and it discouraged me to continue. Also, I didn't want to overwhelm myself with too many corrections to do.

I've been told that, quite a lot, but I never thought I was perfect.

Without the underlined word, I feel the sentence is better.

I've worked my butt off, and everyone just thinks I have a peachy crème life.

Make this into a single sentence, and elaborate on how she works. Modeling at the age of fifteen wouldn't be much because of child labor laws.

I don't. I struggle every day.

Make this into two seperate sentences, also elabote on this.

Are you wondering who I am?

I'm guessing you mean "Am," and there needs to be a question mark at the end.

Well, it's me.

Comma after "Well."

Me, as in Charlie Rae Smith.

Comma after "Me."

I have wonderful friends, but they think I need to focus on them twentyfour-seven, which I hate.

This should be one whole sentence. Spell out twentyfour-seven instead of using numbers, it's more formal.

Of course boys are going to want me. I'm a natural blonde, with big blue eyes. And I'm a model.

I'd like this better if it were "Of course boys are going to want me; I'm a natural blonde with blue eyes, and a model to top it off."

Being a model makes me more popular than the cheerleaders.

it should be "Than" the cheerleaders.

"Charlie, what are you doing!?!"

No need for the exlamation points.

And you're sitting here in front of your computer with your pajamas on and you haven't taken a shower!!

Again, the exclamation points are not needed, and there should be a question mark.

See? This is exactly why I hate having friends who think they need me to date their cousins.
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.




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I like the laid-back attitude with which you write, although there were some spelling and grammar mistakes. If you rechecked your comma use and made sure you used one consistent tense, this story would be absolutely amazing.




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This sounds like its going to be a great story and I can't wait to read more. Still, I have a few complaints.

First of all, there are tons of spelling and grammar issues, but they have been mentioned above several times so I won't say too much about them. The setting and characters aren't as realistic as they could be, either. Try adding more details, and make sure you scatter them throughout the story in places where they actually fit. Also work on transtitions between paragraphs and sentences. Mostly its fine, but a few of them are jumpy and really random. The start of chapter two, for example, doesn't seem to be very well connected to the previous section.

Other than that, it seems pretty good. It has an exciting plot and I'm looking forward to reading the next part. Keep writing!

-Meggy




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Umm. . . I'm really sorry about this but i don't like charlie. She's too much of a girlly girl. Which I hate. And if you could can you watch the keys when your typing because there were a lot of mis-spellings and some words weren't even finished. :(



Talent is something that comes from within; it has nothing to do with age.
— AURORA