Then I jumped

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This is a story for the How Far Can You Reach Contest. I used the sixth picture, I decided to scrap my old story and come up with a whole new one. (I cut it close.) Please Review!!!

He came back, he found me.
I was in my afternoon walk with two of my ladies, when I saw a man peddling wares.
He carried a pack on his shoulders; a large brown hat shielded his face from the blazing sun. It was Mary that wished to by something, a wicker cage for her song birds, I believe. She called out to him, waving her hands over her head, as if he couldn’t see her in the blinding dresses she was known for. He pushed the hat from his head, its string letting it fall onto the back of his tanned neck.

When I saw his face, I thought I was imagining things, but I recognized it. It was Adian, my Adian. He looked at me at me in surprise, not saying anything. I saw the look in his eyes, the look when people find a favorite trinket that has been lost for a long time, and then it turns up in the oddest place. I stared at him in astonishment feeling myself swaying back and forth, my heart beating fast; my breathe left me, and everything went black.

My fainting was blamed on the heat, the man I was to marry, Prince Renold; was deeply concerned. I was not allowed outside for a week without five women to carry parasols, water, and other such things. Renold is not the kind of man I thought I would ever marry, he is kind, and generous; and I should be happy to marry such a man. But I did not love him. I had been content to marry him, until that morning, now I did not know what to do.

Adian and I, we grew up together, we were inseparable. I always thought of him as a brother, only when I was older, did I realize my feelings for him. We both loved each other dearly. He was going to ask for his father’s blessing for our marriage, the day he disappeared.

Seeing him again stirred up feelings I thought long gone; hidden within the depths of my soul. I needed to speak with him. I made many plans, having my most trusted ladies, Isobel; ask him to meet with me. On my morning ride I met him in the woods.

“Adian!” I whispered as I embraced him.

He held me, tight not wanting to let me go. When he did he looked at how much I had changed, he had changed too, he looked older, and had scars on his hands, face, and neck.

“I thought you were dead!” I said my eyes blurring with tears. “I was so worried, where have you been these three years? Why did you leave me!?”

I did not leave you by my own will, Elana.” He explained holding me to his heart. “It was by the hands of other’s that I was unable to return to you.”

He told me of how when he had been riding to his father, he had been attacked by a band of thieves. They pulled him from his horse, took everything he had with him, and beat him within an inch of his life. He was thrown to the side of the road, like a discarded apple core. An old man found him and nursed him slowly back to health. It took a year for him to heal. Adian asked him many times to write to me and his family, he thought we knew but the letters, as he discovered, were never written. The man who found him, as soon as Adian was stronger, sold him as a slave to a rich merchant. The merchant knew that Adian was no slave, and upon hearing his story; told him that if he worked hard enough, he could buy his freedom. But he could not write his father to ask for money. So he worked for two years and freed himself. He has for the last three weeks, been traveling home, hoping I had not yet married.

“I never stopped loving you. It was the thought of seeing your face again, that got me through the toughest times. Elana, what are you doing here anyway? I was on my way to see you, to…to do this.” He knelt down on one knee, taking my hand tightly in his.
“Elana Fox…will you marry me?” I paused breathing deeply “All you have to do is say yes. I love you, just please, say yes.”

I let a sob escape my mouth. “I’m so sorry, I can’t. I am to be married…to the prince.”
I looked into his eyes, flooded in pain. “It is my duty as a daughter.”

He turned his back on me, he couldn’t even look me in the eyes. I left soon after, feeling utterly sick all the rest of the day.

That night as I was preparing for bed, Isobel came rushing in a tizzy.

“Madam,” She said as she curtsied “There is a man on the balcony!”

I walked out, the cool night air hitting my skin. As soon as he saw me he grabbed me and kissed me.

“I could not bare to never see you again.” He whispered as our lips parted.

“I love you Adain, but I must marry Renold. You hold my heart, and he holds my honor. If he was to find out about you he could have you put to death for treason! And I don’t think I could live through that.”

“But I must see you again!”

“If you will I will meet you at the cedar tree on the bank of the pond, were we met today.”

“I will wait for you, and until then keep this with you.” He gave me one last kiss, then melted into the night.

I met him every day for a month and a half. We walked, we rowed in a beautiful little boat on the pond, we talked; we kissed, but never anything more. I thought no one knew of our meetings, save for Isobel. I was very wrong.

One evening I was called into the Prince’s chamber. I entered, bowing my head.

“Your majesty, you sent for me?”

He sighed, looking sadly at me.

“I followed you into the woods this morning.”

I felt my heart skip a beat.

“Your majesty I…”

“Please Elana, don’t. I saw you today, with him. I saw your eyes light up, like I have never seen before. I saw you kissing him, and…and I’ve been told that he came into your chamber one night.”

“My lord, nothing of the sort has ever happened between us, in my chambers, or not; I swear to you. If you will just spare his life, I will never see him again. Just please my lord do not kill him!”

“Elana, I will ask you one question, and I want you to answer it truthfully.”

I nodded my head, terrified of what he was going to ask.

“Do you love him?”

“Your majesty…”

“Answer the question, Elana!”

I took a shaky breath.

“Yes. Yes I love him.”

“It is decided then.” He replied gravely

“Your majesty, please!”

He looked at me, a sad smile on his face, filled with sorrow.

I dreaded what was to come.

“I wish you two all the happiness in the world.”

“WHAT?!?”

“I could never make you unhappy, so you are no longer bound to me.”

I stood dumbfounded for a moment, then I ran and embraced him.

“I wish I could give you all the love you deserve, Renold. You are a wonderful man and you deserve to find someone who loves you, as much as I love Adian.”

I put my hand on his cheek, making him look into my eyes.

“I thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

I gave him one last farewell kiss. He looked at me sadly, smiling still.

“I always knew you were no meant for me.” He said releasing me. “Goodbye Elana.”

“Goodbye Renold.”

Before I left he handed me a small chest, a foot wide, half a foot deep, and a foot tall.

“One last gift.” He said pushing me towards the door.

Having one last look at the man who gave me a second chance at love, I turned and walked out the door. I ran all the way to my chambers. Pulling all of the things I possessed before my engagement into a satchel. Dresses, books, everything they had let me bring. I did not change out of my royal dress, for I did not want to waste a second.

As I entered the woods I glanced back at the castle, taking in every detail. I walked on, never taking another look to the past.

I walked to our pond, where Adian and I had spent so many mornings, its almost clear waters shimmered and rippled. I set my things down on the bank, Opening the chest Renold had given me. Inside was a large bag of silver coins. He had given me the gift of being able to restart my life again.

“Thank you Renold.” I whispered.

I walked to where we always left our row boat, untying it, and pushing away from shore. I rowed until I was in the middle of the pond, I stopped, pulling the oars into the boat.
I let the train of my gown trail in the water, the velvet absorbed water quickly.

Good.

I loosened my dress, making it easy to get out of; and pushed the oars to the other side of the boat, to act as a counterbalance. Then I jumped.

The water was cooling on my skin, washing away all thoughts and feelings. My clothes grew heavy, dragging me down to the bottom. I pulled myself free of my prison of velvet, and silk, shedding what was left of, what seemed like a former life.

I stayed under the water until I could no longer bare it. I burst up gasping, the air feeling crisp, and clean. I swam to the bank, and stood there feeling reborn. I was as all new babes are, wet and naked. I dressed in old clothes, feeling like a new person. I walked toward the inn Adian was staying in, ready to tell him YES.
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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I don't nitpick so I guess I'll get right to it.

You need a lot of practice. The basic skeleton of this was passable, almost, but the dialogue was flat, as were the characters. Don't you want us to care about her, about all of them? Don't you want us to be worried when she's marched into the prince's rooms, shivering all over and all too sure of her lover's demise?

Well I wasn't. Because we don't know any of them! You haven't given us anything to like! Where are the people in this? I can't find them.

Okay, here's a pretty simple example of what I mean:

“Your majesty, you sent for me?”

He sighed, looking sadly at me.

“I followed you into the woods this morning.”

I felt my heart skip a beat.

“Your majesty I…”

“Please Elana, don’t. I saw you today, with him. I saw your eyes light up, like I have never seen before. I saw you kissing him, and…and I’ve been told that he came into your chamber one night.”

“My lord, nothing of the sort has ever happened between us, in my chambers, or not; I swear to you. If you will just spare his life, I will never see him again. Just please my lord do not kill him!”

“Elana, I will ask you one question, and I want you to answer it truthfully.”

I nodded my head, terrified of what he was going to ask.

“Do you love him?”

“Your majesty…”

“Answer the question, Elana!”

I took a shaky breath.

“Yes. Yes I love him.”

“It is decided then.” He replied gravely

“Your majesty, please!”

He looked at me, a sad smile on his face, filled with sorrow.

I dreaded what was to come.

“I wish you two all the happiness in the world.”

“WHAT?!?”


No. Nyet. Nope. Never. It's just not believable! For one, unless he was a really weird prince, he would have had them followed by someone else--not done it personally. Two, what kind of stupid, fairytale man says something like, I wish you all the happiness in the world?

Dude, if you really want to make him be like that -- however cliche and unrealistic it is -- then that's your thing. It's still your story and you can do what you want with it. But if you want people to really enjoy your story, you have to make it real for them. People like conflict, right? So don't make it so easy for the prince. Make him struggle, drag it out! If I were you, I'd have him try to make her give Adian up. Doesn't Renold love her? Isn't he jealous? Come on girl, give the guy some humanity! The only time a sane man would give his betroth up to another guy would be if he were gay, or she was plug-effing-ugly. You see what I'm saying? It's more exciting, more fun to make things real.

Think your characters over, make them human. That's all I'm really saying. Maybe turn this little snippet into a full-length story, at least a few more chapters long. Make her run away, make someone suffer! There's nothing these greedy YWSers love more than drama, and there isn't really enough of that in this.

One more thing before I go...we need history. Who is she? Who is Adian? Why did the prince decide to marry her? Will they rule someplace, or is he a younger son of the last king? Things like that. It brings more to the story, see?

Well, good luck. When you revise, let me know via PM, 'kay? =D

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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Hi BondGirl, :smt039
I really I liked you story, it had the quality of a fairy tale to it (kind of).
I'll try my best to review it, but I'm new at this sort of thing and so I'm not sure how much help I'll be.

Your character's could have used more depth, but you portrayed Adian's and Elana's love for each other very well. Prince Renold was a little shallow, and I have no idea what any of the characters look like.(It's not mandatory, just a personal preference.)

Your main problem was with the tenses. You kept changing them, making the story harder to read.

Here are some things for you to work on:

I was in my afternoon walk with two of my ladies, when I saw a man peddling wares.

'on' sounds better.

It was Mary that wished to by something,

'buy'

wicker cage for her song birds[s],[/s] I believe.

I would take out the comma.

in the blinding dresses she was known for.

You might want to rearrange this sentence because she's only wearing one dress right?

Renold is not the kind of man I thought I would ever marry, he is kind, and generous; and I should be happy to marry such a man. But I did not love him. I had been content to marry him, until that morning, now I did not know what to do.

In these sentences you change between tenses. You should stick to one tense it makes your story a lot easier to read.

Renold was not the kind of man I thought I'd ever marry. He was kind and generous and I should have been happy to marry such a man.

Adian and I, we grew up together,

Adian and I had grown up together,

. . .for our marriage, the day he'd disappeared.

I'd take out the comma.

feelings I'd thought long gone

I made many plans, having my most trusted lad[s]ies[/s]y, Isobel; ask him to meet with me. On my morning ride I met him in the woods.

I would combine the two sentences.

I made many plans, having my most trusted lady (you only have one lady) Isobel, ask him to meet me in the woods on my morning ride.

(Not sure if that's any better.)

He held me, tight not wanting to let me go.

I'd take out the comma.

When he did he looked at how much I had changed, he had changed too, he looked older, and had scars on his hands, face, and neck.

This sentence is a little long and it's really choppy. He's looking at how much she changed and in the same sentence it talks about him changing.

"I did not leave you by my own will, Elana.”

. . .of the road, like a discarded. . .

I'd take out the comma.

. . .old man had found him. . .

Adian asked him many times to write to me and his family, he thought we knew but the letters, as he discovered, were never written.

This sentence is kind of confusing, you might want to rewrite it.

The man who'd found him. . .

The merchant knew. . .

(had known)

But that he could not write. . .

It sounds better if you put 'that' in front of 'he'.

He has for the last. . .

'had'

“If you will I will meet. . .

'want' maybe?

man who gave me a second. . .

'who'd given'

Other than that your story was quite enjoyable!
~Zanna




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Hey BondGirl, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I was in my afternoon walk with two of my ladies,


on, not in.

my breathe left me, and everything went black.


breath, not breathe.

having my most trusted ladies, Isobel;


lady.

I did not leave you by my own will, Elana.” He explained holding me to his heart.


"Elana," he explained...

“It was by the hands of other’s that I was unable to return to you.”


others.

“Madam,” She said as she curtsied “There is a man on the balcony!”


that should be a small "s".

“I could not bare to never see you again.” He whispered as our lips parted.


Bear, also, dialogue rules :)

“I love you Adain,


Adian.

“Your majesty…”


I think all the Majestys should be capitalised.

“It is decided then.” He replied gravely


then," he replied gravely.

Okay...

II. DIALOGUE RULES

"I'm annoyed," said Ben.

You see that 'said Ben'? It's called a speech tag. It's like a continuation of your sentence, just outside of the quote marks. That means you can't put a full stop in, because it would break it into two sentences. Said Ben by itself isn't a sentence. So you don't put a full stop, you put a comma, and then you don't need a capital letter- not even after a question mark, exclamation mark or dot-dot-dot. There's some articles in the Knowledge Base about this, check them out...

III. CHARACTERS

I want to see more of them! What's Adian like, why does Elana love him, and vice versa? What weird quirks do they have? And faults- you need to flaw them a bit more, at the moment they're kind of perfect and it's not so good.

I'd like to see a bit more of Renold and Isobel as well, they play quite big parts but don't have much screen time. Just a little bit more development all round wouldn't go amiss...

IV. OVERALL

I thought that your plot could be good with more development, it's a lovely theme of somebody letting someone go. It's a bit thin in the middle part where they fall back in love, those meetings could use some more filling out, as well as the characters.

Other than that, it was my kind of story, polish it a bit and it'll be really good!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour