First Kiss

Hey yall. I wrote this but didn't review (I'm sorry! Writer's sin!) so tear the thing apart and edit like mad!

___


She stood in the doorway, hot air sticking to her scalp and humidity clinging to her body. The night was hot. Warm, pulsing, her blood surged in her veins as her mind searched for an escape from the heat.

The sun had just set and twilight lingered, staining the sky red and crimson against black space. Fireflies darted through the air, streaks of light straining her retinas to see where they flew.

She was sixteen, hair pulled up into a bun and dress stained with berries from making pie. She doesn't know the year, only the century. 1100's; later. The Catholic church an emerging prominent power.

And yet it is the Catholic church that will marry her tomorrow. The Catholic church binding her to a man twice her age. It was the Catholic church that kept her from the man she loved. The Catholic church that kept him away.

Sister stirs behind her in the cradle. She hears Mother get up to ease the infants troubles. Sixteen, never been kissed. Going to get married. Going to have children herself.

She took one step out into the night. Mother had warned her of going out alone. Demons still roamed the country side. Animals with teeth, tearing into skin and ripping out hearts.

But as she thought, she really didn't even care if her heart was torn away.

More steps, she hears Mother get up but then sit back down, letting her go. Night consumes her. Darkness, instead of twilight, paints the sky.

Soon, the light and fire of the sun is gone and dullness illuminates the landscape. She is engulfed in blackness, feels the darkness around her. She is no more herself; she is the landscape. Just like the demons who prowl here.

She keeps walking into the field. Whispers in the wheat behind her. She ignores the oncoming being.

Heart racing, pulse surging under her frail skin, steps keep dancing forward. She hears it's breathing; she hears the footsteps pounding towards her, behind her.

She feels a cold hand slide up her back.

"Why are you out, daughter?"

No reply. She feels the heat of the blood beneath her skin and her body raging for escape. Yet she stays.

"I've been watching you."

She'd known.

The demon walked around to face her and she saw glimmers of moonlight reflect off of his pale skin. His eyes were blood red, lips stained with the liquid of life. Back weakens, knees shake, she falls forward into the demon's arms.

He picks her up, no more than inches from the crimson fangs.

She can't tear her grip from the eyes.

He gently leans forward and touches his lips to hers.

The cold begins to numb her mouth.

Hands slide down, holding her up.

She feels daggers stab into her tongue, salt filling her mouth and spilling down her dress.

Twilight engulfs her vision, bright light from the heavens, and she sees and feels no more.

I like the whole dark atmosphere of this piece. One thing I kind of don't get, and it's probably because I've been brain dead the whole day, is...

"Why are you out, daughter?"

That part. Daughter? *braindead* It's probably just me though.

Wow. Amgnificent. I love the night and blackness and demon part of it. Lovely, in a dark way!

Hello, hello there!

I totally agree with what the abover posters said, but I have a few mistakes to point out.

War and pulsing, her blood surged in her veins as her mind searched for an escape from the heat.

I think it flows better this way.

Fireflies darted through the air, leaving streaks of light, straining her retinas to see where they flew.

Again, just a matter of flow-y-ness.

She doesn't know the year, only the century. 1100's; later.

Maybe take the "later" part out? That's what I would do. If she only knows the century, then she knows that it's the 1100's. She doesn't think "later." Perhaps, you mean the late 1100's? I'm not sure. But clear that up a little.

It was the Catholic church binding her to a man twice her age.

Perhaps it should be "It was the Catholic..." Or maybe you could make it

The Catholic church was binding her to a man twice her age.

Oh, and that brings me to the issue of ... tenses! Decide on a tense, and stick to it throughout the whole story. I keep getting mixed up.

She hears it's breathing;

She hears its breathing;

She can't tear her grip from the eyes.

This part was confusing. She isn't really gripping his eyes, is she?
Perhaps "She can't tear her eyes from its [insert any body part here except the eyes because you don't want to get repititive]

I liked the darkness and the mysteriousness of the story. And I loved how she was all sad and depressed and then surrendered to the demon. Ahh.. chills! Although it was a tad creepy, I loved it! Hey, was this for the "First Kiss" competition?

Marvellous job,
Carleeeee :D

yes. it was for the first kiss competition! wish me luck

Squishy wrote:She stood in the doorway, hot air sticking to her scalp and humidity clinging to her body. ((can humidity cling to your body?)) [s]The night was hot.[/s] ((not necessary, we already know it's warm because of the first description)) Warm[s],[/s] ((and)) pulsing, her blood surged in her veins as her mind searched for an escape from the heat.

Squishy wrote:The sun had just set and twilight lingered, staining the sky red and crimson against ((the)) black space. Fireflies darted through the air, streaks of light straining her retinas to see where they flew.

This is a really good description.

Squishy wrote:She was sixteen, hair pulled up into a bun and dress stained with berries from making pie. She doesn't know the year, only the century. 1100's; later. The Catholic church an emerging prominent power.

I don't think this paragraph is completely necessary. With the next paragraph, if you phrase it just slightly differently (which I'll show) will make the reader understand that this is clearly not modern times.

Squishy wrote:And yet it is the Catholic church that will marry her tomorrow. The Catholic church binding her to a man twice her age. It was the Catholic church that kept her from the man she loved. The Catholic church that kept him away.

If you phrase it something like this...it will do the job of making the reader know it's not a modern church for you.
"Tomorrow the Catholic church would be marring her off to a man twice her age. A man she did not love, for she loved someone the church was bound to keep away."
Something close to that would work really well, I think.

Squishy wrote:Sister stirs behind her in the cradle. She hears Mother get up to ease the infants troubles. Sixteen, never been kissed. Going to get married. Going to have children herself.

Good paragraph!
This really shows how real this is becoming for her.

Squishy wrote:Soon, the light and fire of the sun is gone and dullness illuminates the landscape. She is engulfed in blackness, feels the darkness around her. She is no more herself; she is the landscape. Just like the demons who prowl here.

This is written very well!

ooooh! I really liked that ending!
Nice job. Over all I thought this was written very well. You have good language skills and I didn't notice any major spelling or grammar errors.
Good luck with the contest!

-Carly

I really like this! Are you going to writer more?!?!?!? Please PM me!

I just thought I'd point out a small inconsistency. In the 1100's, the Catholic church was really the only Christian church in Europe. I believe most people just called it "the Church"--your protagonist would likely do the same.

-Colleen

First off, I really liked this.

But I noticed little things. They're not really important but I just thought I'd mention them.

And yet it is the Catholic church that will marry her tomorrow; the Catholic church binding her to a man twice her age. It was the Catholic church that kept her from the man she loved - kept him away.

I dunno... It just seemed a little clunky a repetetive to say 'The Catholic Church' that many times. I might be wrong.

But as she thought, she really didn't even care if her heart was torn away.

Again, the wording seems a little off to me. It makes sense, but it might flow better if it were just "She didn't care if her heart was torn away."

More steps. She hears Mother get up, then sit back down. Letting her go.

She is engulfed in blackness; feels the darkness around her. She is no longer herself, but the landscape. Just like the demons who prowl here.

Other than that, I adored it - it was had me intrigued.

Plus, I'm a sucker for those subtley dramatic endings.

:]

Overall, I liked this, but there were a few things that I noticed.

Soon, the light and fire of the sun is gone and dullness illuminates the landscape. She is engulfed in blackness, feels the darkness around her. She is no more herself; she is the landscape. Just like the demons who prowl here.

Dullness, darkness, blackness...they're a tad repetitive. Leave one and either alter or delete the rest.

"Why are you out, daughter?"

No reply. She feels the heat of the blood beneath her skin and her body raging for escape. Yet she stays.

"I've been watching you."

She'd known.

Who's talking? The demon? If so, why does he call her "daughter"? This part was confusing. Also, does she already know this demon? Has she done this before? This wasn't very clear in the piece and I want to know.

Overall, there was some good description and an interesting idea, just a few things that need cleaning up. Keep writing!

i Really liked your writing stuff and style..
Are you going to write more of same kind..?!?!?!?
its beautiful..
Keep Writing..

Squishy wrote:Hey yall. I wrote this but didn't review (I'm sorry! Writer's sin!) so tear the thing apart and edit like mad!

___


She stood in the doorway, hot air sticking to her scalp and humidity clinging to her body. The night was hot. Warm, pulsing, her blood surged in her veins as her mind searched for an escape from the heat.

The sun had just set and twilight lingered, staining the sky red and crimson against black space. Fireflies darted through the air, streaks of light straining her retinas to see where they flew.

She was sixteen, hair pulled up into a bun and dress stained with berries from making pie. She doesn't know the year, only the century. 1100's; later. The Catholic church an emerging prominent power.

And yet it is the Catholic church that will marry her tomorrow. The Catholic church binding her to a man twice her age. It was the Catholic church that kept her from the man she loved. The Catholic church that kept him away.

Sister stirs behind her in the cradle. She hears Mother get up to ease the infants troubles. Sixteen, never been kissed. Going to get married. Going to have children herself.

She took one step out into the night. Mother had warned her of going out alone. Demons still roamed the country side. Animals with teeth, tearing into skin and ripping out hearts.

But as she thought, she really didn't even care if her heart was torn away.

More steps, she hears Mother get up but then sit back down, letting her go. Night consumes her. Darkness, instead of twilight, paints the sky.

Soon, the light and fire of the sun is gone and dullness illuminates the landscape. She is engulfed in blackness, feels the darkness around her. She is no more herself; she is the landscape. Just like the demons who prowl here.

She keeps walking into the field. Whispers in the wheat behind her. She ignores the oncoming being.

Heart racing, pulse surging under her frail skin, steps keep dancing forward. She hears it's breathing; she hears the footsteps pounding towards her, behind her.

She feels a cold hand slide up her back.

"Why are you out, daughter?"

No reply. She feels the heat of the blood beneath her skin and her body raging for escape. Yet she stays.

"I've been watching you."

She'd known.

The demon walked around to face her and she saw glimmers of moonlight reflect off of his pale skin. His eyes were blood red, lips stained with the liquid of life. Back weakens, knees shake, she falls forward into the demon's arms.

He picks her up, no more than inches from the crimson fangs.

She can't tear her grip from the eyes.

He gently leans forward and touches his lips to hers.

The cold begins to numb her mouth.

Hands slide down, holding her up.

She feels daggers stab into her tongue, salt filling her mouth and spilling down her dress.

Twilight engulfs her vision, bright light from the heavens, and she sees and feels no more.

I really liked the beginning part about her eyes. I also liked how she cared so much about her true love and the dark world she lives in. I basically like everything about this. It kept me interested the whole way though. Great job![b]