A Fairytale Beginning

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Notes: Yeah, I decided to experiment with making a first person narrative that was a bit more personal to the character, I probably didn't choose the right style of story to try it on, so I guess I'm gonna try it again at another point!!

But I haven't written anything for nearly a year I think? So here it is for your advice! :]

(and possibly contests)


A Fairytale Beginning by Plus-One


I didn’t mean to do it, I don’t know what possessed me to. I’d spent a long time dreaming about it, but those were just dreams, right? It’s not a reason to justify it!

A sheet of water crashed down on top of me as my body hit the firm bed of the stream, another shower of droplets drove into my face as I cursed loudly and gasped for air as the ice cold chill of the water tightened my chest.

I wiped my lips quickly and brushed my fringe out of my face, my heart was racing as I scoured the surface of the stream for him.

There was a splash behind me, sending me leaping back to my feet. I quickly, turned and fell back into the shallow water as my face reddened, I glanced away.

This was crazy, stuff of fairy tales. Everyone knew these things weren’t real! I wondered how many people this had happened to, how many girls had foolishly kissed a frog out of blind hope for a handsome, charming, chivalrous prince to come and sweep them of their feet, only to be disappointed, and disgusted as they realised it was in fact just another frog.

I caught him moving in the corner of my eye and instinctively turned to see what he was doing.

My eyes met his; they were warm and welcoming, a soft shade of azure that reminded me of a clear summer’s day. The illusion was matched with his flowing shoulder length golden hair, that perfectly reflected the sun, even when wet.

He couldn’t have been more than eighteen; his face, though elegantly carved, still adourned boyish features, and although broad shouldered and well toned, it was obvious that he wasn’t fully grown.

I noticed his bare chest and arms...

My trance was broken as he reached up to wring his hair.

I looked down at the water beneath my legs quickly as I realised he was naked.

I tried to occupy myself with the pebbles that lined the bed of the stream, as distorted reflections and the lapping of water alerted me that the boy was standing up. I withdrew my gaze further until it was fixed in my lap.

The boy paddled over towards him, stopping a metre or so away as he looking around him and inhaled deeply, he stretched his body and yawned as he looked across at me and assessed my state.

He stooped onto one knee and addressed me in a deep, yet smooth voice:
“With what name shall I address the fair maiden who has freed me from the confinements of an evil curse?” he asked, holding out a hand to help me up, “I’ve waited many years for this day, and vowed that I shall repay my debt to the one that broke the spell.”

I gingerly accepted his hand - still assuring my head was facing the other way. As soon as I was on my feet, I bounded to the shore and grabbed my long, knee length, jacket that I’d taken off before the incident.
I turned quickly and threw it towards him. It feebly flopped onto the surface in front of him, but he swiftly snatched it up.

“For me?” he questioned, holding up the jacket.

I nodded quickly, and he got the idea, pulling the jacket over his shoulders. The arms clung tightly to his biceps, making his movement look robotic. The coat barely fell down to his thighs, and I still found it hard to look directly at him, though it was better than nothing.

“You’re too kind,” he said softly, as he waded towards the shore, stepping out onto the grassy bank with me, “I want to repay you, any wish, any earthly desire, I would gladly fulfil to thank my rescuer.”

My cheeks were still burning red; I could feel it as he stepped closer again. I opened my mouth to try and say something, but my throat froze and no words came out.

He took my hand in his once more. I was struck by its warmth, and smoothness. He raised it to his mouth and gently touched his lips to it. I could feel the back of my hand tingling,

“Do you have a request?”

I retracted my hand, closed my eyes and gulped, took one final deep breath, before embracing him.

His arms instinctively wrapped around my body, enclosing me in a bubble of ecstasy as our lips met for the second time – though this time it was much more pleasant.

I lifted my arms and wrapped them around his neck as the kiss deepened.

How was I going to explain this when I got home?!?
Last edited by Plus-One on Mon Jun 15, 2009 8:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Nostalgia's just not what it used to be..."




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A sheet of water crashed down on top of me as my backside hit the firm bed of the stream, another shower of droplets drove into my face as I cursed loudly and gasped for air as the ice cold chill of the water tightened my chest.


This sentence struck me as a run on sentence. Change the comma after stream to a period and capitalize the a in another.

I quickly, turned and fell back into the shallow water as my face reddened, I glanced away.


Take away the comma after quickly.

I wondered how many people this had happened to, how many girls had foolishly kissed a frog out of blind hope for a handsome, charming, chivalrous prince to come and sweep them of their feet, only to be disappointed, and disgusted as they realised it was in fact just another frog.


You misspelled realize. It is spelled with a Z rather than a S.

I looked down at the water beneath my legs quickly as I realised he was naked.


Once again, you misspelled realize. It is spelled with a Z, not a S.

The boy paddled over towards him, stopping a metre or so away as he looking around him and inhaled deeply, he stretched his body and yawned as he looked across at me and assessed my state.


It should be meter, not metre. Also, this sentence really confused me. I also believe that 'looking' should be 'looked' or 'glanced'.

Overall, this was an okay story in my opinion. It didn't really catch my interest at all. It was to Disneyish for me. It was kind of fast paced and at times I found myself wondering what was happening in the story. But, that could just be me.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

-Venom




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In England it's metre xP

Yeah, thanks for the advice, I think I'm not very good at the whole romance thing, but I'm going to try and make it reasonable at least :p
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Ah, sorry. I'm used to the American way of spelling it, my mistake.
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Ooooo! I really like this! The plot is good and enticing and I want to read more! This is fantastic! I really like this! I already said that, whatever. Haha. Please PM when the next chapter is posted!
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Ha, I liked this. 8) At first I thought it was meant to be all serious, but now I know it's a funny take on the fairy tales. Um, it could have been a bit longer, had a bit more imagery, even if it is meant to be light and humorous.
Personally, I didn't like the opening paragraph. It was a bit too... I don't know, it sounded kind of cocky and had no subtlety. I think you should scrap it altogether and start with the second paragraph.

as my backside hit the firm bed of the stream

Hmm ^^ I don't like that word. Again, subtlety, subtlety!

how many girls had foolishly kissed a frog out of blind hope for a handsome, charming, chivalrous prince to come and sweep them of their feet,

I like this! It works well.

How was I going to explain this when I got home?!?

Nice. Wraps it up perfectly. Only one intsy qualm -- I think it should just be one question-mark and that's all. Leave the reader to figure out what's outrageous for himself.


Lauren x




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Quite keen on this myself...though for some reason, I didn't think i was going to be from the title....it kind of put me off but I couldn't tell you why...it might be because I expected it to be predictable and stereotypically written...it wasn't though, so well done for that...but perhaps bear in mind that this is what your title gives the impression of!
Olivia
xxx
If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...




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I really like it although I was slightly confused at the beginning. Why not tell us or show us what happened instead of just right into it? I didn't really understand what was happening. I had to re read two or three times beofer I understood what you were trying to say. The rest is BRILLIANT though! Actually the whole plot is brilliant. I would've never thought of a story based on the fairytale saying 'Kiss a frog get a prince!'
=]
I would seriously love to read more!



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