Drowning in a Pool of Kisses

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Wow, I really enjoyed this. So real. I mean, you caught your MC's emotions perfectly. I mean, it was immaculate, the way you did it.

So Bravo to you!

This was jotted down on holiday, feeling a bit morose. Would like to know how the present tense worked... was it awkward or did it suit the mood? Thanks.

I thought you did really well with the present tense. I actually prefer to write in present rather in past...but that's me. So I thought you did really well.

Um, I dont' have an negatives for you. Truly, everything was in order, flowed well, and just fit perfectly together.

I look forward to more of this! Sorry I can't be more of help...it's just it's that good!

PM me when you post more!

Hey lhighton!

Title: Euggh, ohhh, man. I hate it. Sorry. It just sounds much too Harlequin Romance-y, and I'm sure that's not what you're going for. Plus, the imagery of a pool of kisses is somewhat vile.

‘You can have to much of anything. Even happiness.

You need to end the quotation. You didn't close the quotations. Oh, and "too".

Is it so strange that I think he might not look after that everything; that everything I’ve curtained off all my life?

I don't understand that last part. I don't think you mean for the "that" to be there. In that case, without, change the semi-colon to a comma.

I say it’s about me; making me his; putting the final stamp on the package.

Semi-colons are not the same thing as commas. Replace those with commas.

It ends quite abruptly, so I'm assuming there's more. If there isn't, then you need to work on the end. It can't end at such a cut off, such an anti-climatic question.

I understand Anne's feelings, but I don't understand why she feels that way. What has happened in her life to make her fear love like this? What has influenced her? Where are these thoughts stemming from? She says she's been alone, but you mention her mother before.

Anyway, I hope this helped. PM me if you have any questions.

~ Clo

This was hands down, a fantastic story. I really enjoyed the change of pace, everyone always talks about how great love is (myself included) so it was nice to read this side of love.

Your writing was pristine. Everything from style, tense, and grammar was perfection for me.

I am sorry I can not help more, I just really loved it!

Please PM me with your future installments.

Thanks all for the critiques.

Ashleylee - That's really sweet of you. I'm not yet sure if there will be a follow-up, but if there is, I'll be sure to PM.

clograbby - Uh-huh, I see what you mean about the title. I didn't think it was too bad, but I'll bear what you say in mind.
With the everything quote, I was trying to show the 'everything' was a sort of object. I failed, huh?

I understand Anne's feelings, but I don't understand why she feels that way. What has happened in her life to make her fear love like this? What has influenced her? Where are these thoughts stemming from? She says she's been alone, but you mention her mother before.

I tried to make it clear that she had isolated herself from other people and never trusted anyone enough to let them get close.

omsvmars22 - Thanks! I will PM if there's a follow-up.